I've lost count of how often I've woken up with Donna. It used to be normal for me to catch a nap on campaign buses and wake up sleeping on her shoulder, 'crushing' – I'm quoting – her against the window. I remember lying in a hospital bed, barely hearing her voice and knowing I had to wake up because she was telling me to, telling me I wasn't allowed to leave her. I remember feeling her fingers on my forehead through a fog of pain. I've woken up with other people and still somewhere in my head wanting Donna's to be the first voice I heard…
I've dreamt about waking up with Donna. When she stayed with me that summer I dreamt about waking up with her and the mornings it actually happened, when we'd fallen asleep watching a movie or she heard me in the night and stayed, somewhere in my head I recognised that that was wanted I wanted my future to be.
I've dreamt about what would happen before the waking up too. I've dreamt about the feel of her skin, the feel of her touch, being able to touch her and not have it just be a gesture I had to force myself to pull away from. What happened last night bettered every dream I'd had in that area. From the second she walked into my arms it felt right. Sam and Lisa had been friends since college and I remember asking him once if when he finally 'made the move' had it seemed weird or wrong. His reply was 'at first but you get there' with Donna it wasn't like that I thought it just felt right from the start.
When I woke from a contented satisfied slumber, I felt her head on my chest, fingers laying lightly along faded scar line, her right leg entwined in mine. I kissed her forehead and moved my fingers along the pale underside of her breast.
"Don't wake me up"
"How're you feeling?"
"Amazing"
"I need to check Edie's report from Bram"
"That's not very romantic"
I think she's asleep again by the time I get to the bathroom door. I checked Reuters, then A.P. and replied to Edie, Ronna, Annabeth and Lester, my thumbs dancing quickly over the Blackberry key pad.
When I walked back into the bedroom the picture had changed. Donna, with the sheet curled tightly around her, had moved to the edge of the bed, leaving the space she had occupied bare and empty. Her breathing was forced slow and even giving away fake sleep. I walked around the bed lifting the sheet and lay down. I reached out for her and then stopped myself or something in her body language stopped me. I did that a few times before she got up an hour later, dressed 'for warmth' and ran out to get coffee. I'd asked her how she was feeling expecting, hoping to jog the memory of the 'amazing' I'd heard in my arms – No – just an 'I want to win this thing' and away.
I didn't want to make it awkward and I don't know what I did to make it awkward. I answered my cell to Lou and Ronna after Donna went out and five minutes later my room was full of insomniac campaign staff. The early morning hours passed and we moved from my room to the war room. I met Donna in the hallway; autopilot switched on and came out with a comment about the 'walk of shame'. I vaguely remember giving a speech. I have no idea what I did to make it awkward and I needed to get away from the 'walk of shame' comment, I gave her space until my cell went with her telling me exit polls had arrived.
I'd teased her weeks ago about accepting her next invitation for a walk and lying next to her, feeling content again and maybe slightly smug. We are us and lying here it feels like the 'us' I thought we'd be – give us half an hour and I may not be sure again. Donna giggled while I checked what Edie meant my 'having her', I took my shorts from her toe and seeing her grinning this seems easy. I came back in the room, crawled over the bed and kissed the grin from her face, grabbing her waist pulling her on to me and tickling her sides.
"You're laughing at me"
"You're tickling me"
"You were laughing at me before"
"Do I 'have' her?"
"Masterful use of the English language I thought"
"Have you 'had' me then?"
"Well the noises you were making would indicate…"
"I don't make noise"
"Oh but you do"
"I.. "
"Never made noise before… is that it.. I really am…?"
"You are 'da' man… You want to have this conversation?"
"No"
"I could give you a run…"
"I prefer to think you had a platonic relationship with every gomer in D.C."
"It wasn't every gomer…I didn't have that kind of time…"
"I know"
"Yeah you know…"
"That was one of my better plans…"
"I knew what you were trying to do…"
"I know"
"Just as long as you know I only went along because I wanted to"
"I had you wrapped around my little finger"
"If delusion gets you through the day Joshua"
"Making good use of a hotel room while we have it might make it go quicker"
"We'll have to see what we can do about that… I need to go… you know… work"
With that she walked out of the room, I finished dressing and followed with Minnesota numbers in my hand. 'You think they're out?" asks Lou. "I think the new pollster law is influencing them" I reply dropping the papers onto the desk.
"Hey Kid"
"Hey"
"Walk with me"
"When did you get in?"
We head out of the crowded room and down they corridor towards the main lobby.
"About half an hour ago… I'm gonna take an hour and I'll see you when the congressman gets here"
"You alright?"
"Yeah just something I ate last night, been on hotel food too long"
"You live in a hotel Leo"
"Yeah but I don't eat there"
"Right"
"How you holding up?"
"I'm fine"
"Your head's not going to explode"
"No, I'm dealing with it"
"So I heard"
"Sorry…what? You heard? What room are you in? We weren't loud! Well maybe she was a bit…"
"Josh… I don't and I don't want to know where that statement came from"
"You heard?"
"I heard you were dealing with it"
"'Kay"
"How is Donna?"
"She's…great…yeah…fine…good…perfect…ah… on…spinning on some news channel"
"Oh pull yourself together would you please"
"I'm trying"
"Yeah, you know Josh I'm not tempting anything here so don't spit or curse or whatever it is you do… Matt Santos is a good man and he'll be a good president but I've known Jed Barlet thirty years…"
"And he's your guy..."
"He's my guy… You'll put men in the white house after Matt Santos and I helped put men in the white house before Jed Bartlet"
"Best thing I ever did Leo, get on the train to New Hampshire, you let me in on your guy"
"Yeah… I've known him 30 years and daily he fights the demons with the better angels in his head"
"Toby said that"
"Yeah"
"He also said that for the first time in a long time we were in with a chance of the better angels winning"
"Yeah"
"You know what it is about him that gives the better angels their chance?"
"What?"
"He's got Abbey"
"Yeah"
"He's a good man Josh and Abbey makes him better, he's the president he is because she makes him the man he is"
"Leo?"
"She's your Abbey"
"You telling me to run for President Leo?"
"Situation Room will never be ready for that…Not in this decade…"
"'Kay"
"You got her back, do this right"
"I'm trying"
"Yeah… Don't screw this up"
"Leo!"
"I'm serious…don't… says the divorced guy"
"That make the advice better or worse?"
"Look after that girl Josh, she's been there a…"
"If I'd done anything about it…you'd have transferred me to the Yukon…"
"Na…"
"Really?"
"U.S. Ambassador to Siberia, Outer Mongolia maybe"
"We don't have an embassy in Outer Mongolia, the guy flies in from…"
"Why do I even talk to you?"
"Beats me"
"See ya later Kid… Omnes una…"
"…manet nox… See you later Leo"
I walk back to the war room and suddenly occurrs to me that I don't know where to take this thing with Donna 'Don't screw it up' yeah… and how do I do that… or not do that. I know where it's going in my head but I don't know how to get there? What if that isn't what Donna wants? She pulled back, closed down last night – what do I do with that? This thing's swinging from right to not right like a pendulum on a grandfather clock. I didn't expect to be thinking about this today. What with that train of thought and the numbers not adding up, my head may actually explode. What is it with exit polls; surely pollsters know to vary who they approach? I sit and read exit data, I answer my cell when it rings every second minute, I hear pollsters spinning on CNN, talking heads calling raw data and close races. I'm here what must be a good hour and none of this is adding up, none of it.
I feel the pressure building in the back of my head and I hear Ronna and Annabeth talk blogs. I can see Donna watching me out of the corner of her eye and I try to push the feeling back, get control when it blows. Temper releases like a geyser, 'Old Faithful' blowing in time to Beethoven's fifth. I don't know what I said, I don't know to whom I said it. I walk out into the cold evening air and I hear the door behind me again. I know it's Donna and I slowly make my way over to the railing.
"What are you doing out here?"
"I've been appointed"
"To what?"
"To make sure your head's not actually going to explode,"
I can feel her voice calm me as she tells me that the numbers never add up and that today's finally here.
"There's nothing left to do, Josh"
"Yeah"
"So?"
"So?"
"We could go to the movies or something?"
"Yeah… my catch a ball game"
"How does it compare?"
"To a ball game?"
"You do that on purpose Josh"
"To other election days?"
"Yeah"
"Well I've done something today I wanted to do on the last two"
"Really?"
"Really"
"And what might that be"
"You know… run the thing"
I'm grinning at her and she knows I kidding.
"Funny man"
"I'm sorry I screwed it up this morning… shame has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's so much going on, I don't know what I'm thinking but I not thinking 'shame'…."
"'Kay"
"Thank you for coming out, for being appointed"
"I appointed myself"
"'Kay"
"I find it gets me to where I want to be with you at any given time"
"Yeah well… you valuably just talked me down from a nutty'
"Always said I could be valuable"
"You are"
"Thanks… We should go in"
"Yeah – I still think it should be warm – it's Texas…"
"It's November"