I've lost count of how often Sam and Toby's words have touched me. I remember from the first campaign thinking that the two of them would never work out, never mesh. I sat in a precinct office somewhere in either Iowa or New Hampshire watching Toby gripe over Sam's shoulder about punctuation and his predilection towards adverbs. I asked Sam later that night how he took Toby's criticism, his attitude and constant presence. He turned, looked up at me and smiled How do you take it from Leo? The challenging your viewpoints, not always seeing
your ideas, that's as personal to you as my writing is to me?', That's different' I replied Leo is the finest political mind I've ever known, it makes me better' Exactly' was his only reply.
So the President of the United States stood up and gave a eulogy to his friend of thirty years. Leo McGarry, Vice Presidential Candidate, Special Counsellor, White House Chief of Staff, decorated war veteran, shaped the face of every presidential election for the last quarter
century. Leo McGarry, father, grandfather, brother, uncle and friend his consul, candour, wit and wisdom shaped the lives he touched and through them the lives of those yet to come. Sam couldn't make it to D.C., Donna told me he called and couldn't get away from a deposition hearing but his name appeared as the by-line on Leo McGarry's obituary in the Washington Post. Danny Concanon credited him for both, reading and knowing full well the other wordsmith behind the lines – Danny's always been discrete.
We've been in D.C. four days, Donna stayed with me the night or should I say the two hours after we heard about Leo. She did exactly as my mom had done for my dad when my grandfather died. She took care of the practical, thinking of things before I did, I never had to ask her or tell her. Yet in all that she was there for me, a touch and a look here and there. When I came back to the hotel the campaign was still using to wind-up she was there. She seemed to know when I needed space and when she should just be there. She stayed in my hotel room until last night. The campaign officially wound up this morning. If I didn't know I loved Donna Moss, the last four days would have confirmed it.
I saw little of her today. She sat behind me in the cathedral with Charlie I think. I assumed she'd stay with me, to be honest I didn't think I even needed to offer. Every single time since I've known her she's turned up at my place when she's been between apartments. At
least once I came home to find her curled up on my couch, boxes of stuff filling the tiny space that passes for a hallway in my brownstone. She'd apparently forgot to tell me her building was being fumigated and she was staying with me for a week, she didn't think I'd mind. I didn't. Coming home any night after she'd left, especially after that summer, felt as lonely as coming home tonight had.
I open my door and throw my backpack down onto the hall table, kicking junk mail out of the way. I go to the kitchen and pour a glass of the only bottle of whiskey I have in the house. I flop onto the couch and flick on a news channel. They're playing clips of the funeral and
talking heads are reviewing the life of Leo McGarry in three minute bursts.
I must flick through channels in a daze for over an hour because as I look at the screen on my cell it's 2.00 a.m. I pick up a message from the President-elect I must have missed earlier confirming he's not supporting Fields. Did he listen to me? Just as I end the call to my
voicemail, the cell rings.
"Josh Lyman"
"Josh?"
"C.J.?"
"Josh, she told me not to, she told me it was fine but…"
"Donna?"
"Yeah, she woke up screaming…and…"
"I'm coming over"
"That's why I called"
I put my jacket back on, pull shoes from under the table and grab my keys. C.J. lives about three blocks away and it would take too long to find a cab at this time of the night, it doesn't even occur to me to drive. I arrive at C.J.'s door and her secret service detail stop me, do a quick body check and let me through. C.J. opens her door as I get to it and I walk straight past her to Donna sitting on an arm chair in the lounge.
"She called you"
"Yeah"
"You called him"
"Donna, I…"
"Why the hell shouldn't she have called me, why didn't you call me yourself?"
"Josh"
"C.J. just leave this to…"
"After the day you've had you didn't need me to be like…"
"That's exactly what I did need Donna"
"I'm sorry"
"Guys, I'm going to leave you two, I think you need… Josh, take my bed don't go home tonight"
"Thanks C.J."
"Thanks C.J."
"What started this Donna?"
"Josh?"
"Stupid question"
"No…well yeah"
"Tell me about it?"
"No!"
"Donna!"
"No!"
"Is it the same as before, you're back in the car?"
"Yeah"
"And?"
"and I feel it blow and I can see the face of a guy at the side of the road, I can see him flick something and as he does it, he stands up and fires a rifle"
"Do you still see Fitz"
"I feel so guilty about this, Fitz's face turns into yours and it's your eyes that get the blank, empty, dea…that look"
"I'm right here Donna, I'm going nowhere"
"I didn't want C.J. to call you"
"I glad she did and sorry you didn't"
"I wanted you to get some rest, you've had a hard day Josh"
"I didn't want to sleep without you there, I wanted you to come back with me, to be honest I didn't even think I needed to ask you to use my place…"
"I… didn't know… I thought you'd think I was pushing too hard and that you'd run a mile…"
"Does it look like I'm running anywhere?"
"Your shoes don't match"
"What?"
"Your shoes don't match, one's got a pattern on the toe, the other's plain"
"I kind of rushed out of the house"
"You must have been in a hurry"
"You were hurting"
"I was…"
"You know there's a couple of late night bars between here and mine"
"You think that we should go drinking?"
"No"
"Well then…?"
"They serve beer"
"Josh!"
"I'm just saying…"
"I'm glad you didn't stop"
"I would never stop… Donna what brought this on?"
"I've been thinking about what it would be like to lose you now"
"You're not going to lose me"
"I am"
"Donna you're not"
"I'm going to lose you to, to…"
"We'll talk about this another time, for now you need some sleep"
"O.K."
"O.K."
"Josh?"
"Yeah, I'm going to stay at C.J.'s for this week I mean, I need…"
"If that's what you want"
"I don't know I think…"
"Fine"
"Josh!"
"I said it's fine Donna now let's get some sleep"
"O.K."
I take Donna into C.J.'s guest room and lay her down on the bed climbing in behind her. I'm screwing this up and I don't know how I'm doing it. Donna's right I did and do need sleep tonight, I've got 1200 staff positions to fill in the next month, I'm not sure who I trust, Donna? Of course, but I can't seem to put a foot right there. I'm trying to tell her what this means to me and I'm messing it up. She fell back into work mode I want to win this thing', maybe that's
what she needs from me. I lie next to Donna, stoking her back as she falls off into sleep and I scan my head for who I want beside me to do this, one name fades in and out and I make a mental note to myself to get Otto to book me a flight to California.