4. Aileas Keeng & Farren Lumhat[1]
I do wish it would have worked out between Aileas Keeng and Farren Lumhat. Not because I am regretful—cats are not troubled by regrets—but because if it had worked between them, I would not have eventually had to lift a paw in saving this world. Heroism does not suit cats the way sunshine and cream do, so I believe I would have preferred it that way. That is Not the way it happened, however.
The pair of them seemingly had it all in hand. If I would have played at cards—which I did not, due to the Card Soldiers being under her control—I would have bet on Aileas and Farren's hand.
From the moment she stepped through her mercuried looking-glass into Underland, it seemed that all would be well. They were not so different: she of Ulster stock and he of Lowlands stock originally, as it was told by the Lumhat clan.[2] They got along like a pair of blissfully boring toves raised around the same sundial even though she was from Above and he Below, even though fifteen years separated them in age, and even though neither of them cared for cheese.[3]
I imagine she would have eaten fistfuls of it when she first arrived, however. Half starved to death, raving mad with hunger Aileas was, which suited the rest of us just fine. Not that we were happy to see her bent over with hunger, but because, you see, by that Time, we were all Mad. Even the Royal Hatter; although not as mad as some hatters, I must point out. Misery may love company, but so do the Mad.
She was seven, which might not sound like a Promising age for a human girl child, but it was. She was just curious enough, mad enough, daring enough that she not only made for a very good companion for Farren, but also a very good future Champion. No one else except for me seemed to be thinking it at the Time, but then, none of them had lived through all the Alices. I had, you see, become something of an Expert in them.
There was none of the messy lovesickness that some of the Alices and hatters had experienced. Farren was truly a brother to Aileas and she a rather bossy and opinionated little sister to Farren. I thought it best. Things had fallen apart before due to Love. Adalheidis' mourning of Alvis had doomed all but myself to die. Faramund's insistence that he be the Champion in his love, Alaïs', stead had likewise ended in darkness and death. Alix and Terrell had left Underland together, hand in hand with no thought to the coming destruction that would rain down like fire upon the heads of all the Underlandians they left behind.
Just to be sure, I teased and prodded as Aileas grew into a rather pert, little, ginger haired, grey eyed young woman right underneath Farren's nose. I teased them about the time they spent alone together in his workroom. I teased Aileas about Farren's tall, straight back and his carefully tended mustache, which must have tickled her lips. I teased Farren about Aileas' soft places and her off key singing, when she tended the garden. I joked about the manner in which feathers intended for tricorns could be used for more decadent purposes. I joked about a house full of Lumhat children. Neither of them budged, neither blushed, neither could work up any display of emotion other than a droll eye roll.
It was positively, mind-numbingly uninteresting. But surely for the best. Brother and sister, truly, absolutely. I misted a breath of relief. This Alice and This Hatter were not such Idiots after all.
Love is a useless emotion. I was sure of it. I was sure that siblings were the sort who might save Underland once and for all. Certainty is something that I cherish, but as I have been gifted with a great deal more than nine lives, I suppose it does no great harm to my reputation to admit that in this one instance I was wrong.
Well, partially wrong: Love is still useless to me, but apparently vital to Underland.
Aileas slayed Cirein-cròin.[4] She killed him dead with the Vorpal sword forged centuries earlier by Alvis. She succeeded where so many not quite Alice enough Alices had failed.
I thought that was to be the end of it. But it was not.
Farren was in awe. He had known her to be a useful sort of girl. Aileas could reap and sow. She made bannock, hotch-potch, black bun, colcannon, and forfar birdies almost as well as his Mam.[5] She was not just useful, but praiseworthy. She was sharp witted and sharply curious. She was fiercely loyal and fiercely independent. She had learned what she cared to about haberdashery and then moved on to things that uniquely interested her as well, namely trade. Farren saw her less as began to travel to the far corners of our world, but he was always glad to see her return to their shared hearth.
When Aileas became a slayer, when Aileas became the Champion, she became something altogether different in Farren's eyes. He had not stood in the way of Aileas, when it came time to fight Cirein-cròin, because he was a man who respected Fate. The Oraculum showed his Aileas facing down the beast and he would not raise a hand or a voice to stop her. Kitted out in his clan's walking kilt, he had trembled beside her on the battlefield at the thought of losing her, but he put his faith in the hands of Underland.
Now she stood before him victorious, and it was as if he was seeing her for the first time. As Aileas strode about the battlefield, dragging the bloodied Vorpal sword and receiving congratulations from their friends, Farren stood apart. He could no longer approach her as the Royal Hatter, her friend.
Floating in the sunshine, pleased that nothing had spoilt my fur and I had been made to do nothing to achieve this outcome, I watched him through one eye. Farren's hands were shaking. Well, I thought, let the poor man lust after her, Underland has already been saved.
And did he ever! He made a secondary occupation of devoting himself to the contemplation of all things Aileas. I had teased them about their imaginary Love, and now it was finally blossoming, but only in Farren's heart's cottage garden, not in Aileas'.
Unrequited Love has a certain appeal that only outside observers can fully appreciate, and I was quite the observer of Farren's maudlin moping. A fact which made me less and less welcome in their home, but it is nearly impossible to keep me out of the places I wish to be. Indeed, months later, as I curled around a tricorn, awaiting Aileas' return from travel abroad for trade purposes, Farren kept giving me—the unwanted visitor—dark looks, but that was all he could do.
"Canna ye find ocht tae divert yersel, Cattie?"[6]
"Your face might freeze that way, Farren," I observed, remarking on the ugliness of his frowning face. "Although it would be no great loss to the ladies if it did."
"Ah canna wark wi ye hairs on ma hats," he grumbled.
"I shall disappear them." I stretched, pawing the air as I rolled onto my back. "It is rather selfish of you to want to be here alone when Aileas returns."
"Ah niver said that," Farren complained.
"You didn't have to. It is written on your face with Indian ink. A rough tongue scrubbing might do you some good."
Farren startled, as if he believed my taunt, but a scrubbing was delayed by Aileas' return. Farren went completely silent as she burst into the room.
"Chessur," she greeted me, coming over to briefly rub my offered belly.
Not just anyone can touch my belly, but this was an Alice of some considerable worth.
"Guid morn," she continued, walking over to Farren and leaning down to press a kiss to his temple.
I kneaded a bolt of fabric, watching with some amusement as he went stiff at the touch of her lips to his skin. Aileas was conventionally considered to be a pretty sort of girl, but she looked like an oddly rounded boy ever since she had taken to dressing as one. Nevertheless, Farren was visibly affected by her in her linen knee breeches, muddied, square-toed, buckled shoes, and wispy hair pulling free of its queue.
"Wis ah misst?" she teased, picking up a long, wide, white feather to drag through her hand.
"Aye, verra much…ower much, lass."
Aileas rolled her eyes, as she hopped atop the worktable, sitting upon its edge and kicking her feet. "Wis thare naebody tae mend yer sark?"[7]
"His heart," I corrected.
Aileas turned her grey eyed gaze on me. "Hert?"
"No one to mend his heart: lovesick," I explained with a grin.
"Haud yer wheesht!" Farren exclaimed, his face beginning to flush.[8]
This is what I lived for. Humans are so predictable, but can be terribly amusing, when they do not intend to be so.
"He anely bathers us, Farren," Aileas said with a dismissive shake of her head.[9] "Pey him nae heed. As ye peyed the gairden nae heed whiles Ah wis awa: the flouers are hauf drochtit an' seelenced for want o' watter," she cheerfully chastised.[10]
Farren had apparently had enough of merely thinking on Aileas, for he made a heated admission, knocking aside the tricorn upon which he had been working as he did, "Na! Aileas, he speaks whit he sudna, bit he speaks the trowth."[11]
Aileas frowned, because she did not understand—did not want to understand—her Farren's confession, thinking on him as a brother, as she did. "Farren," she said softly, sadly, wishing intensely that he did not mean what he said, for Aileas was wise and Farren was a fool in love.
It was not the response he was hoping for, and so Farren waited. He waited for Aileas to understand and respond in kind, but he waited for naught. Aileas did not feel the regard for Farren that he felt for her. She never would.
Aileas moved from Farren's hearth, for it was no longer proper for her to live there with a man who wanted what she could not give him.
What should I care? Why should anyone care accept the hatter and the Alice, whose little lives were affected by this petty domestic drama? I shall tell you: one would have been advised to care, because Underland was not happy. And when Underland is not happy, its residents suffer. Underland can be a harsh mistress.
Cirein-cròin was dead and the rightful king sat atop the Diamond throne, but darkness came to Underland nonetheless. The Diamond King grew greedy, overcome by a thirst for power. He conquered the King of Spades. He brought down the kingdoms of the Blue and Green. His armies marched on the kingdom of Clubs. The Champion deserted the king's cause, fearing the darkness that lurked in the corners of the King's eyes, and she died for her treason. Farren took his own life, not willing to live in a world without Aileas.
When the monarchs of the Red, White, and Hearts brought down the Diamond King, half of Underland had been destroyed, the balance of power had been unseated, and evil haunted the land, waiting to be unleashed once more.
Evil in the form of the Reign of the Red. Evil in the form of the Jabberwocky.
[1] Aileas is the Scottish version of Alice and Keeng is Scottish for King. Farren is Old English and Gaelic and means thunder. Lum Hat is Scottish for top hat.
[2] In the year 1700, many Lowland Scots migrated to Ulster, Ireland due to famine in Scotland. Culturally and linguistically, there was initially no difference between the two groups separated by the North Channel.
[3] Toves are like badgers, according to Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking Glass, but they are also like lizards and corkscrews. They rotate and bore. Toves live beneath sundials and live off cheese.
[4] Cirein-cròin was a Scottish, legendary, massive, sea serpent. It was said that he fed on seven whales and troubled not only the water, but also the land.
[5] Bannock is a barley and oat-flour biscuit baked on a griddle. Hotch-potch is a thick stew with meat and vegetables. Black Bun is a very rich fruit cake, made with raisins, currants, finely-chopped peel, chopped almonds and brown sugar with cinnamon and ginger; and it takes its name from its dark color. Colcannon is made from boiled cabbage, carrots, turnip and potatoes, which is drained and stewed in a pan with some butter, salt, and pepper. Forfar birdies are an oval meat pastry made of minced meat and onion. These are all traditional Scottish dishes.
Mam – mother (Sc)
[6] Ocht – anything (Sc)
[7] Sark – a man's shirt (Sc)
[8] Haud yer wheesht – be quiet (Sc)
[9] Bathers – teases (Sc)
[10] Drochtit – parched (Sc)
[11] Sudna – should not (Sc)