Felicity: An American Girl ROMANCE, Pt3, Ch 23: The Storm Continues
Disclaimer doo-dad: I do not own any lyrics nor do I own American Girl characters. I do not even own a cell phone.
darling, stop confusing me with your wishful thinking,
hopeful embraces,
don't you understand?
I have to go through this
I belong to here where no one cares and no one loves
no light no air to live in
a place called hate, the city of fear
I play dead
It stops the hurting
I play dead
Its sometimes just like sleeping
curling up inside my private tortures
I nestle into pain, hug suffering
caress every ache
I play dead
it stops the hurting
lyrics from 'I Play Dead' by Bjork
"There was a slave-girl named Lettie." A lump of sadness arose in her throat at the thought of the dark girl being dead...or worse. "She and I were to escape Forsythe Manor together. Just when we thought our plans were ready, Reginald's cousin arrived with the rest of his rotten family. His cousin's name is Tristan, and he is the worst sort of animal of all."
"Forsythe has a cousin?" Ben asked, sensing that this was not good, but then anything concerning a Forsythe never was. Ever.
"He has several, actually, but this Tristan is the worst of them. He is young and full of himself, and he abuses women terribly. He abused my friend Lettie. Twice." Just speaking of the swine made her nauseous.
"Did this bastard cousin hurt you, too, Lissie? Tell me if he did and I'll flay the damned snake alive!"
It took her a moment to reply. Speaking of Tristan Forsythe was not a very wholesome thing for one's stomach. "No, but 'twas not for lack of trying."
Ben saw the look of hatred and digust in her eyes and silently vowed death to Reginald and his ass cousin. "Tell me."
"The moment he arrived and saw me he figured that I must be like all of his other conquests, and he wouldn't leave me alone. He and Reginald despise each other, because Tristan knows Reginald pushed his former governess down the stairs when she was trying to leave to get married to a man in London. Tristan and his father are trying to take over the family business, which is slavery, by the way. Lord Covington found out that Tristan and his father succeeded in taking both, so God only knows what state of mind Reginald is in now- not that I care. But Tristan backed me into a corner one evening and all but forced me to make a deal with him."
"What kind of deal?" Ben wanted to know, wincing, for his anger at the Forsythes was reaching a boiling point once more.
Again Felicity hesitated, which told Ben it was going to be even worse. "He...He said that he would send both me and Lettie back to Williamsburg if I would..." She closed her eyes and clenched her teeth in disgust. "...sleep with him."
"Oh Felicity, no!" Ben looked stricken more so than she had seen him yet. "Did he force you?"
"No. I did...agree, at first- " (Here Ben's mouth came open in horror, but she quickly held up her hand for silence) "- because I figured that I had nothing else to lose. My life was already ruined anyway. But then I changed my mind. I just couldn't go through with it. I kept thinking of you, of us, and I just couldn't. Even though you didn't care for me anymore, I still couldn't go through with it."
"Lissie, I love you! It kills me to know you've had to spend all of this time believeing that no longer loved you!" There was a waver in his voice from emotion.
"So you do not think I deserved to have Tristan force me?" She eyed him suspiciously.
"Dear God, no!" His face was crinkled with effort to not breakdown. "I hate myself for what I did to you! I hate this Tristan for what he tried to do to you! I want them all to suffer! I will make them all suffer!" He bit his lower lip fearfully, then said "He must have been awfully angry when you refused him, Lissie."
"Oh lord was he ever!" She laughed, but it wasn't the least bit humorous. It was a hysterical, bitter laugh that sent chills down Ben's spine. "Why, he hit me so hard I thought my head had spun completely around my neck the way an owl's head does!"
"Oh Lissie..."
"He tried to force me right there in the barn where had arranged to meet. I had even briught a knife out there with me, because I intended to kill him, but he knocked it out of my hand. And if Lettie had not come out...he would have succeeded in...well, you know."
He hugged her hanrd again, as if he just couldn't get her close enough to him. Hard and thoroughly, as if she was his alone, and he did consider her to be. More than ever. "God bless this Lettie! What became of her?"
"I don't know," Felicity sniffed quietly. "She set fire to the barn with every intention of burning Tristan up in it, but the fire spread so fast, and there were horses that wanted to be let out desperately. Some wood on fire fell from the rafters, separating us, and she made me leave without her. I don't know what happened to her after that. Lord Eric says he found out that there were no deaths reported, and Tristan was badly burned on one half of his face."
"That will be the least of his worries when I get ahold of him!" Ben growled wrathfully. "I'm gonna castrate that whoreson!"
A proper gentlewoman would never have stood for such language and violence, even if it was for the defence of her own honor, but Felicity was no blushing flower. She agreed completely, wanting vengeance herself. "No one seems to know where Lettie is, or even if she is alive or not. I would rather her have escaped and be somewhere unfound than to be dead or forced back into that house! She suffered far worse than I did."
"We will find her, Lissie, and we will take her home with us," Ben vowed, holding her close and tight. "Anyone who has saved the life of my love has saved me life as well. I am endebted to Lettie."
It pleased her to hear him say such loving things, but she wasn't past the pain he had caused her. He had her trust to win back now, and she was not feeling too generous right now. She still loved him tremendously, whcich made the pain in her heart all the more raw. She had to take a deep breath when she heard him say, "Go on, Lissie. Tell me everything, how you got hurt."
"I did as Lettie told me to do, although I was willing not to go without her. I ran, and I did not look back. I escaped the very same way she and I had planned: by climbing a tree in the garden and dropping down on the other side of the fence by one of its braches that went out over the fence. Then I ran and ran until I thought I was going to die from running! I crawled under the limbs of a pine and curled up to sleep. It was so cold."
"My sweet, sweet Lissie!" Ben nearly cried in shock. " 'Tis a wonder you didn't freeze to death!"
She shrugged indifferently. "I had on a heavy woolen dress and a cloak. I managed. But the worst was that my body had become used to having Reginald's powders! I had even consumed less of them in my meals by not eating much. I was...addicted, you could say. Suddenly I was completely without them and my insides were in revolt. I was so sick that I fell over a sheep the following morning."
"A sheep?" Ben looked worried. "Is that when this duke found you?"
"Aye. But at the time I did not know he was a duke. I thought he was one of Forsythe's men, coming to take me back.: She inhaled again, deeply, dreading the forthcoming confession. "I would rather be dead than to go back to that living tomb he calls a manor, Ben. My head hurt so bad I thought it was going to burst! I just...wanted it all to be over, I couldn't take it anymore. So I cut my own wrists open."
Ben's mouth dropped open in horror.
She didn't like being stared at, so she did not look him in the face. She turned away from him moodily. Surely he couldn't be condescending to her when she ahd suffered so much! He had better not, she thought angrily. She folded her arms protectively over her chest and continued, "Lord Eric bound my wrists up in the linen of hsi shirt and took me himself to the Babcock's cottage, where that nice family took care of me and helped me get over my need for the powders. 'Tis a need that has not completely gone away, but it gets easier every day. I think."
This would be Ben's first test, she decided. Would he criticize her for attempting to take her own life? Suicide was a sin, a sure-fire way to hell if ever there was one. But if one was not in one's proper mind, then one could not truly be held accountable, could they? If Ben truly loved her as much as he yapped about, then he would not be cross with her, not that he had any real right to be. She held herself stiffly and waited.
He came to her, gathered her hands into his own and kissed the back of each one. "Let me see, Lissie. Show me where you cut yourself."
What did it matter? He had no idea of what she had been through. Why should she be ashamed of something she only vaguely recalled doing? Silently she removed the grey fingerless gloves, tossed them to the little sofa, and held the insides of her wrists out for him to see. She no longer needed the cuts to be wrapped in linens, and the gloves had been to hide the ugly gashes. There was a raised red slash over each one, the scarred flesh still trying to heal with the stitches having only been removed a few days ago by herself. everlasting proof of her temporary madness.
She scrutinized Ben's heartsick expression as he examined each wrist with tear-filled eyes.
"He did this to you," he murmured darkly. "His poison made you do this. This is not your fault." To her surprise he brought each scarred wrist up to his lips for a firm kiss. "Don't you see, Lissie? We were meant to be together! The Lord has kept us both alive so that we can be together! We were meant to be!" He held her forearms to his chest as she regarded him somberly. "I have hurt you and I will pay. But I'll be damned if I allow you to be hurt by anyone in any way ever, ever again!"
Surprising her even further, he moved quickly to scoop her up in his arms again and took her to the sofa near the fire. He sat her down so that her legs were across his lap, her back against a sofa-arm, and his body turned toward her so that he could hold her rather snugly- and so that she could not get up and away from him again. He couldn't bear that. He'd been apart from her too long, so long that he needed to feel her physically to comprehend that shw was indeed for real. Although she didn't resist him, she did not look like she believed he was here for the right reasons.
"Tell me about my family, Ben," she told him sadly. "How is my father? How is every one?"
Ben looked fatigued. "I cannot say that they are well, Felicity, because no one smiles, no one can find any peace with you gone. No one has been the same. Your father has recovered from his wounds, but he would heal a lot faster and a lot better with you home. Just another thing to hate Forsythe for! I know your parents are disappointed in me- I am, too! But no one is angrier at me than Nan. She utterly despises me, and I can't blame her, but even when we return, she will not be pleased to hear that we will still be married."
Felicity's gaze fell, noting that Ben had looked apprehensive when he'd made that last statement, as though he was scared to death that she was going to contradict him, to tell him no; there would be no wedding, ever. But she said nothing, wanting Ben to worry that she would not marry him. Boy, did it show all over his handsome face! And Nan, dear sweet, loyal Nan! She hoped her younger sister bawled Ben out good. From the looks of Ben's expression, she had.
"I had been up north looking for you, since Lady Templeton found a letter from her worthless nephew telling her that he had gone to New York. But yet he had been spotted by one of her servants in town that very morning. We all believed he was taking you to New York to board a ship to England." He frowned self-loathingly. "And all that time I spent north, you were being taken to England from Yorktown. Both Walter Wheaton and Mr. Haverty had gone with me, and they nearly had to drag me back to Williamsburg because your father wanted me to go on the ship he had found me passage on. I was ready to jump on the first ship I came across! He wanted to come with me, but he was still so weak it would not have gone well for him."
Felicity nodded, contemplating the truth in that. Ben wondered if she was going to inquire as to whether anyone came with him or not. That was something else he worried deeply about, because he had just found her; he didn't want to share her with Elizabeth and Arthur or anyone else just yet. If she did ask, he would tell her the truth, of course, but he sisn't want her to ask. So he said quickly:
"Your mother is being very strong for all of us. William and Polly are so worried for you that they are behaving incredibly well. But nothing is the same without you, Lissie. Every day is like you said, an eternity. We cannot do anything without you there. There is just no real living without you."
She was still quiet.
"I have some surprises for you, Lissie," he said, trying to sound a little more cheerful, with a gentle smile. "They are good surprises, too. At least I hope you think they will be. Before I left williamsburg I wrote to my father, and I shall only say that he is helping me."
"Ben," she sighed, not feeling up to any more surprises, even good ones right now, "please don't tell me things like that so soon. I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me repeatedly. I need time to recover." Let him be fearful that I will not marry him! Let him worry that he has ruined any chance of reconciliation between us! At this moment I do not feel very forgiving. God, I love him, but he has broken my heart so much I don't know if I can get past it. I need time.
His soulful brown eyes beheld such a look of pain that it made her cringe inside. "You really thought no one would come for you?"
"I didn't think anyone would know where I was, and I didn't think Father would be well enough to try, which I was right about after all." She sighed tensely. "I ceertainly did not expect to see you ever again."
"I am so sorry, love." Ben placed a hand over hers. His touch was warm and caring, making it very hard for Felicity to be angry. But she wanted to be angry. Just for a little while longer, maybe. Ben had to know that he had hurt her immensely, that winning her back was not going to be an wasy thing to do. He must have been sensing her thoughts, for he said, "I know telling you I'm sorry isn't enough. Bit I mean to prove it, Felicity, no matter how long it takes."
"If you say so." Lord she was tired! The warmth of the fire and Ben's very presence were a lethal combination where comfort was concerned. Amazing how she could be so furious with him and yet so happy to see him! In her life she'd never felt so many opposites all at once! It was a blow to the gut, all right. "I want so much to believe you, Ben..."
"You will, Lissie. You don't have to believe me now. A person's actions mean more than their words. You'll see."
She sighed again and said nothing. Evening was coming on and she felt absolutely spent. Ben laced the fingers of one of his hands through the fingers of one of hers. He met her eyes with a serious look despite a warm smile. "I will help you find your way back to yourself, Lissie. I promise!"
"We'll see," she said softly and yawned. Ben grinned.
"I missed you so damn much! Your voice, your eyes, your smile, even your yawn. I missed everything about you! We have so much wasted time to make up for." She nooded, her silence making him worry again. He leaned twoard her and whispered as meaningfully as he could, "I've got you back, Lissie. I will never give up on us. Mark me, I won't! Never!"
She had to bite her bottom lip to keep the tears back. She could barely manage a nod in reply. Then Ben, overcome with emotion and exhaustion himself, removed his cloak and coat, laid them aside, then surprised her yet again by rearranging their physical situation to where they were bot on their left sides with him was laying behind her, his arms about her tightly, enfolding her snugly. His face was at the bend of her neck, where he kissed her firmly, gave her a squeeze and said, "I was beginning to think I would never jhold you like this again. I'm so terribly afraid that you are going to vanish like a ghost! Please do not vanish without me."
"I shall try not," she replied, wanting to smile but feeling it better not to. Her anger had to be allowed to run its course. If he truly meant what he said about no matter how long it took, then she was going to give him ample opportunity to prove it.
So Ben and Felicity fell asleep there on the little sofa by the fire, silently revelling in the closeness that seemed so familiar and yet so new. Both of them were aware that were having to get to know each other all over again. There was a joy in that, and a sadness in knowing that it didn't have to be this way. Guilt was eating Ben Davidson alive. Anger consumed Felicity Merriman. Neither of them were used to such tortures, but they were once more in each others' presence, and that presented an unspoken promise of the beginning of healing. Felicity rested her arms upon his and let sleep come upon her, not caring what was to happen next. After experiencing every known emotion in such a short time, 'twas a wonder she hadn't passed out by now. Ben seemed to be the same way.
He lovingly kissed her temple, removed the mobccap from her head and loosened the ribbon holding her hair back and rubbed his face in it. He hugged her hard. Then he reached for his cloak and covered the both of them with it. Finally, before allowing sleep to wash over him, he whispered, "I love you so much, Felicity Davidson."
Her deep inhale was her reply. Her mind answered, I love you too, Ben. But I cannot believe you. Not yet, not now. I DO want to be felicity Davidson some day. But I have to know that you will never hurt me like that again." Then sleep came.
Of course the duke was concerned about the young man and his guest having been gone upstairs for so long. So he sent maggie up to see about them. Maggie was apprehensive about not hearing anything from within the room that Felicity stayed in. It seemed that they all had heard yelling not too long ago, then nothing. She had become quite protective of the girl in the weeks she had been here. Maggie knocked softly on the door and waited. "Miss?" she inquired discreetly. "Are ye comin' down to dinner, you and the young man?"
Not recieving an answer, she cracked open the unlocked door and peeped inside. No one was on or in the bed. She looked to the fireplace and then saw the two of them lying together on the sofa. Plumb worn out. Sleeping, nothing more. Maggie ventured on in, curious, hoping not to wake them since they looked so peaceful and in deep sleep. So romantic! thought she, with a cocked head and warm smile. She considered waking them for dinner, but knowing Felicity did not sleep well at night she thought better of it and let them be. She went back down to the duke and reported what she'd seen.
"No. 'Tis best that they remain undisturbed. They will either wake in the morning, or when their stomachs growl," said the duke with a grin. "Let's you and I eat and let the squire take his girls home to their supper. This has been quite a day!"
He had instructed Squire Babcock to keep the Gooch tied up in the barn until Constable Poon was available. Rollie Newton had been sent back to Bristol, to the Stag's Head Inn to relate all that had happened to 'Mr. and Mrs. Pratt' and Mr. Weddington. Eric considered going down to the Babcock barn to question this dispicable Gooch himself. Prosecuting the lout would mean bringing the Forsythes into the picture, and Felicity would not like that, but justice had to be done. Young Mr. Davidson would agree. The Forsythes had gotten away with too much. To let them get off free would be like letting them know they were allowed to get away with anything. Felicity no longer had a say in the matter now. Eric had learned 'twas not violence she feared, but merely having to deal with anyone named Forsythe again. But as duke, it was his responsiblity to see that the laws were upheld. Yes, the Forsythes would have to be brought to justice.
When Felicity finally woke, she had the heavy sensation of having been asleep for hours, like the effects of a drug, only the sort of drug that wasn't harmful. She woke up to the sensations of fingers stroking her hair, her cheek. Warm fingers. Ben was still beside her, still holding her close with one arm, obviously already awake.
She groaned and frowned, trying to get her eyes to open. "Ben...?" she mumbled groggily.
"Aye, love," came his soft reply so near to her ear. "I'm right here. I always will be." He kissed her temple.
She inhaled deeply, attempting to get some sense of time about herself. "Are we..did we sleep all evening?"
Ben's smiling lips were on her cheek. "Yes to that, too. We not only slept all evening, but all night and into the morning."
Her eyes snapped open wide. "You mean it is morning now? We missed dinner...and slept?"
"Are you all right, Lissie?" Concern was all over his sleepy face, though he didn't look half as groggy as she was feeling.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Quite a while. I just wanted to watch you sleep. It's been so long since I've held you, too damn long since I've studied your face. How could I ever have been so foolish..." He wanted to hear her say that it was all right, that she forgave him, that she loved him, too. But the sleepy smile he got in response was all he had a right to expect. It would be enough.
"Ben, please, let us not wake up to that. You're here, and we are going home soon. Let us...just enjoy that for now."
"Anything you say, pretty Lissie."
As he hugged her tightly and breathed in the scent of her, delighted beyond words at the feel of her, so warm and real, Felicity found a temporary comfort in his warmth as well. It did indeed feel so good to be back in the arms of the man she had loved forever, but there was still sadness and anger. Two terrible things to have to wake up to. But Ben was here, in England- here, at the home of the Duke of Bel Hastings, a place she never thought to see anyone from home. Today would be a step closer to reconciliation. Nothing would happen quickly, but a start was something she thought would never happen. What other miracles would the day bring?
The moment she began to sit up, Ben was scrambling out from behind her, over her, so that he could get his cloak and coat out of the way and help her stand. He steadied her on her feet as she looked about for where she had kicked her shoes off, then stepped into them as Ben held her arms. "Ben, I'm fine," she insisted, smiling on the inside but looking sleepy and grumpy on the outside.
"Well, I'm not," he told her nervously. "I'm still afraid you're going to disappear right before my eyes! I must stay in contact with you, 'Tis the only way I can be sure you're real!"
"I'm as real as you are, Ben," she assured him with a yawn. "And I am really hungry."
He was right with her as she crossed to the lovely, feminine vanity set before the window to splash cold water onto her face from the mini-basin. "So what does one eat here in a duke's palace?"
When she reached for a towel, he was there holding it. "The very same things we common folks eat. Kippers, biscuits, bacon, eggs, ham and the like. He just has it served on the shiniest silver you've ever seen. And this is not a palace. Eric calls it just a mansion."
'Eric'? Ben mentally inquired as he watched Felicity pat her pixie face dry. Not 'His Grace'? Aloud, he said, "Well compared to the Governor's Palace, this is far more fancier! This is what a palace should look like!"
Felicity shrugged indifferently. She stepped past Ben to the vanity mirror, where she looked at herself warily. She didn't look as wretched as before, but she didn't look exactly over her bout with the powders, either. She grabbed a silver-plated boar's hair bristle brush and began de-tangling her mussy red mane. Ben watched her as though he was thoroughly entranced. When he spoke he sounded spell-bound.
"I missed watching you do things. I love the way you move, the sound of your breathing. You may be angry with me, Lissie, and I understand. But please don't make me be far from you. I cannot bear it. I've been away from you too long."
"So you say." She met his steady gaze suspiciously in the standing oval mirror. "I want to believe you, Ben, but I can't. Just...not yet. All right? I need time to recover from all of this. Like I told you, I never thought I'd see you again, and I find it to be a joyous and sad thing at the same time. Please, if you really do love me like you keep saying, let me re-adjust to you. Do not burden me with expectations. Can you do that for me?"
Slowly, gently, he turned her around and gripped her shoulders with resolved assurance. "I will do anything you ask, Felicity, so long as it does not require putting space between us. I am insane for hugs."
She smiled at him crookedly. "We have a bargain, then."
He sighed heavily with relief, smiled sentimentally, pulled her to him in a fierce embrace that restricted her breathing for a moment. "Dear God, you feel like Heaven! My Heaven..."
"Where's my cap? We must make ourselves presentable for breakfast. Assuming the duke is still having breakfast, that is." She watched Ben stride over to the little sofa and snatch her mobcap up off the floor, plump it back up for her, then give it to her carefully with an enthusiastic smile. Damned if he wasn't tugging at her soul! Those puppy-dog eyes, his very presence, so warm and attentive, were going to kill her yet.
"Thank you." she said as emotionlessly as she could manage, and adjusted the cap on her head. "Put your coat on, Ben, and we'll go down."
He did as she told him, boy. Eager to please, eager to keep himself as close to her side as possible without running her over, he took her arm companionably as they walked out of the room. Felicity wondered how on earth she was going to stay mad at him for awhile when he was being so damn sweet.
But then something occured to her...
AUTHOR BLAB: All right, where are my reviewers? Where'd y'all get to?