Felicity: An American Girl ROMANCE: Pt3, Ch26: Bed Talk
"Ben, stop. We shouldn't-Mmmm," Felicity ended up moaning as Ben kissed her again, fully, her body arching instinctively up against his as his ever-wandering hand moved down her hip and thigh, down to her knee, where her shift hem was bunched up. Quite smoothly, that hand of his slipped under the fabric and over her knee, which she brought up without even realizing it, a motion that helped push her shift further on up her thigh, where he was slowly caressing. If they didn't stop now, they wouldn't be able to stop at all!
"I want you," he murmured hypnotically against her lips, his brown eyes lazy with desire. "Let me show you how much I love you, Lissie. Let me take you right here and now. I want so very much to-"
"Ben, no," she told him, trying to sound firm despite the quiver in her voice betraying her own intentions. "We can't-I can't."
And then he drew back, mouth open, eyes staring. "Oh my God. I'm pushing you, aren't I? Good Christ, I'm no better than they are! Damn!" He sat up to the side quickly, swearing under his breath and rubbing his hands over his face as if he'd just come to some sort of horrible conclusion. In his mind he had. "Dear Lord, Lissie, I'm so sorry.."
Felicity sat up, too, reaching for him, grabbing his shoulders as he was trying to move away from her. "Ben, listen to me!"
"I've made things worse, haven't I?" he went on self-deprecatingly. "I swore I was not going to push you! I told myself not to push you! I'm no better than Forsythe or his cousin!"
"Will you hush and listen to me? I do not consider you to be anything like the Forsythes!"
He looked at her with doubtful eyes. "I'm no different than they are, Felicity. If you knew the kinds of things I was thinking just now, you'd hate me even more than you already do. You'd never want to see me again."
"I don't hate you, Ben," Felicity sighed tolerantly, surprising him and herself with her own words. No, she truly didnt hate him, not now that he was here. She loved him too much to hate him now. But even forgiven him as she had, there remained the forgetting and the re-building of trust to overcome, if it was to happen at all. But yet she was momentarily distracted by what he had just said. "First of all, I would like to know what it was you were thinking."
"No, Like I said, you'd-"
"Yes, yes, I know what you said. But you don't seem to know me at all, Benjamin Davidson! I wonder now if you ever did! You believed that I thought so little of our love that I would go bed my best friend's fiance, and now you think that I will demonize you for what you were thinking just now. How are we supposed to get past all of this hate and misery if we cannot even communicate?"
Ben looked at her sorrowfully. After a moment of tense silence, he said, "I don't want to lose you."
"You are not going to lose me, I'm right here! Now tell me what you were thinking, or I'll be the one to sleep in a chair tonight!"
He sighed relentingly, but he did not look happy. "You really want to know? Fine. But I warned you, just remember. I was thinking that you were mine, that you belonged to me, that you are my possession, to love and touch for always. I was thinking that you were always meant to be mine, and that I wish I could take you away to someplace private, somewhere no one could ever find us, so that I could declare us married before God, and then I could make love to you for days and days on end. Just have you all to myself for as long as I wanted, without anyone interfering or interrupting. I was thinking that if I didn't have right then and there that I was going to die." He studied her face for reactions. "So now what do you think? Why are you smiling?"
"Because nothing that you've said surprises me." Indeed, Felicity was smiling, a flicker of amusement in her still-dulled green eyes.
"And so that makes me no different than those Forsythe bastards. I think the same things they do. I am just like them."
"And I say you are not. You are a man, so you do think the thoughts of men. But you are different from the Forsythes in that I love you and I despise them with an unholy passion."
"You still love me, Lissie?" It was almost sad the way he asked it.
"Yes, Ben." Her eyes and voice softened considerably, emotion rising in her throat. "Even when I hated you for awhile I still loved you. I would not have been so badly hurt if I didn't. I have forgiven you, but the pain you caused still lingers. It still hurts, Ben. Very much. If you had hauled out your cavalry pistol and shot me there behind Father's store it would not have hurt nearly as much."
Tears filled his eyes. He swallowed hard and said in a tremorous voice, "I damn that day, Felicity. I damn myself. After that morning I made a promise to God that if He would just help me get you back, I would not object to any puishment He saw fit to smite me with."
"That is a little extreme, don't you think?" she sniffed, adding a tired smile.
"No, I do not." He picked up her nearest hand and pulled the fingerless glove off, reached for the other one and did the same. "When you have wronged the very person you love more than anything else in the world, then should you not be punished for it?' He held both her hands in his. "I do not deserve you, Lissie. But I cannot live without you. I will not."
She studied his face, the pain etched into it, and noticed for the first time how illl he seemd to look, too. Shadowy under the eyes, facial hair stubble, exhaustion and paleness. She came to the conclusion that he had made a victim of himself as well. Idly, she reached up to stroke his brown hair away from his face. "I need time, Ben."
"I know."
"I need to think about how to cope with all that has happened to me. This situation could have been a whole lot worse than it is, you know. But since it is not, I think I can find a way to heal. Maybe. I just need to know that what happened between us will never happen again. I need to trust you. Someone I love dearly once told me that nothing is for certain when trust is gone."
"I hate the jackass that said that," he muttered darkly.
"Well, I don't. He had a very excellent point." Then she half-smiled again. "So... all you were thinking about as we were about to make love was all of that possessive emotion."
"Aye."
"I have no problem with that as long as it is you."
"May I ask you something, Lissie?"
"Yes."
He looked at her worriedly. "Do you have feelings for the duke?"
Ah ha! He noticed my flirtations! She smile a little more. "Actually...no." She watched relief flood Ben's face, and a touch of color come back to his cheeks. "He is a friend who came along when I really needed a friend. I owe him my life. But I do not think of him as anything more than a friend."
"Good. I was...afraid."
"Now may I ask you something?"
Ben straightened attentively, giving her hands a warm squeeze. "Ask it!"
"Ben, what manner of man goes to so much trouble just for a woman he is not related to? I mean, men have needs. I am not blind to society's awareness that if a man cannot have his needs met one way, he will meet them another. Why, Ben? Are you not tempted to satisfy your needs with another woman, even if only temporarily?"
He sighed softly. "First of all, pretty Lissie, a man in love will go to the farthest extreme to find his love, no matter what it takes, or where it takes him. A mad man went to a tremedous amount of trouble to get you here. I am mad, too, but because I love you so much. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to get you back, and I shall tell you that as many times as it takes for you to see it. As for my needs, I only need you! Sure I feel tempted sometimes, Lissie, I'm only human. But the thought of being intimate with some woman who is not you is just unbearable. Your father and I talked about marriage and intimacy one afternoon- the very afternoon I proposed to you. We talked about things that fathers and sons only talk about, and the advice he gave me is something I shall never forget. Something I hope to pass on to my son someday."
"Like what?" Felicity wanted to know, fascinated, drawing her knees up to her chest as she got comfortable beside him. Ben draped an arm around her knees and hugged them close.
"That marriage and intimacy are two very important things to not be taken lightly. I know, a lot of men do take such matters lightly, and they usually end up regretting it. I never did aim to be one of those men, Felicity. I value our love and our friendship far too much to risk losing either. Now I know what you're thinking: that if I truly did take both of them seriously, then why did I not believe you that wretched morning when you needed me to? Because I could only think of myself, that is why. A mistake I shall pay for for the rest of my life, I assure you." His voice was soft and serious. "Anyway, your father told me that women were much stronger, smarter, and intuitive than men give them credit for, and I knew him to be correct just from what I've seen of you and your mother.
"He said a man cannot spill his seed so carelessly without dire consequences, and I believed him. I knew men in my own regiment that sought out women to bed as if it were sport. As if bedding a woman of loose morals was a form of recreation, and in so doing they violated their own marriage vows before God. I knew men who brought along their wives and mistresses, and the only ones who thought it disgraceful were other women. I'm not like that, Felicity. I mean to honor our marriage vows for all time. I want to bed only you. A man who values his soul and his wife will not throw them to the wind just for carnal satisfaction."
Felicity was mesmerized. Ben and her father had spoken of things like that? It moved her, to say the least. She stroked his hair thoughtfully. "I believe you, Ben. But as far as I am concerned, I want to know what you expect of me. Whether people want to admit to it or not, we all have expectations of one another. Even if we do not mean to put expectations on each other, we do so without thinking. Tell me, Ben, what you want of me?"
He replied without having to stop and think. "I want you to let me love you. I want you to marry me. I want you to see that I love you and that I am so sorry for the pain I've caused you-that I caused us. I want you to spend eternity with me."
She inhaled deeply and looked at him as though she was indeed trying to believe him. "I want those things too, Ben, I really do. It is just that as of right now I don't have much faith in that happening."
"You need time. I understand that." His face showed understanding, but he had been unable to keep the disappointment out of his voice. "But please, I must know...what are your expectations of me?"
"I want to believe that you already know what I expect of you. To love me. To believe in me and be there when I need you. Now, I have learned that I do not need a man in my life to be happy-" Ben's mouth opened to express surprise and protest, but Felicity brought her fingers to his lips. "-but it would be nice to share my life with someone special. I am not saying that I do not want to be a wife and eventually a mother, so do not misunderstand me upon that. What I am saying is that I could be perfectly fine with never marrying at all." She sighed heavily, and her feelings poured out in words: "Ben, if you want a gentlewoman who speaks only of nice things, puts everyone else first and foremost and dedicates her life to cooking, sewing and giving birth, then I am not what you want. I have had the time to think long and hard about what I want from myself, my expectations of myself, and I have decided that no matter how difficult this world is for a woman, I will not bend to any man's will. Never. I want- nay, I expect to be something more than just a wife and mother. Can you understand?' Her voice was not harsh or demanding, but soft as his was and calm.
Ben was staring at the bedsheets as she had spoken, and nodded silently. He gave her a respectful look. "I do know you, Lissie. I have always loved your independent spirit. Always. Granted, when I first came to live with your family I had never met anyone, especially a girl so young, with such spirit and willfulness. I didn't know whether to be impressed or frightened! I ended up being impressed. You won me Felicity, even before I was aware of it. I know you well. I would not love you half as much if you were a proper gentlewoman."
"Those are kind words, Ben," she told him agreeably. "But do you really mean them? Are you going to look at me one day and decide that you made the wrong decision? Just because we loved each other as children doesnt mean we would make a good pairing as adults."
He turned to her, fear clouding his beautiful brown eyes, and slipped his arms about her waist. "Felicity Merriman, I loved you as a child, and I love you so much now that I would die for you! Say what you will, tell me you wish for your life to be more than just wife and mother, but do not ever say that we were not meant to be! My heart can't take it. If I cannot love you and be your husband, then there is no life for me to live! I cannot bear, nor will I bear life without you or-"
She grinned then, and silenced him with her fingers again. "Hush, Ben Davidson. I understand you, all right? I love you, too, so very much. So please, if you love me like you say you do, then let me decide what course my future is going to take."
He nodded quickly. "Tell me I will be a part of your future, Lissie, please."
She hated to hear him beg so, even though she had wanted him to be afraid he had lost her. His fear and pleading was getting to be too pitiful. Yet she couldn't say yes to him still. Time, she reminded herself affirmatively, Take time. He hurt you badly. You must be sure he will not do that again. She nodded, too. "I want you to be, Ben. But there has to be trust. Show me you mean what you say, and the future just might be as we had planned."
He seemed to be relieved with that. He licked his lips, gazing temptingly at hers and said, "Do you really think that I would settle for someone who didn't make my heart race by just thinking about her? That I would really take to wife someone who's idea of excitement is sewing with new thread? We're different, Lissie, we do not come from the same mold as everyone else! Why on earth would you and I, of all people, choose to remain the same in a world that is changing? That is not our way."
She took his handsome face into her hands, tears filling her eyes even as she gave him a genuine, loving smile. "Blast it all, Ben, you say the most perfect things sometimes! Just when I have set my mind at being mad at you, you go and say something so wonderful like that and nearly undo every bit of resistance I have!"
"And that is why we are so good together, my beauty. I made a horrible mistake, Lissie, and I am suffering for it. I am learning from it. If God can forgive me, can you not as well?"
"And I have told you that I have forgiven you," she reminded him patiently. "That was the easy part. 'Tis getting past the hurt. Maybe I can. Just let me try."
Ben nodded, and lowered his head onto her shoulder. Felicity was just taking comfort in the feeling of his warm breath at her neck when he said, "You feel like heaven."
"Still trying to seduce me, Ben?" she grinned slightly.
"Aye. Can't help it. I am a man and you are the only object of my desires. The only one."
"Do you ever feel that you cannot wait for us to be married? I mean, should your need for a woman become so great that you feel you absolutely must satisfy that need at once, would you go to a woman who meant nothing to you?"
"Absolutely not. I told you, Felicity, about the talk your father and I had. Good God, you are worth waiting forever for, girl! 'Tis you or a life of celibacy, like the monks have."
Felicity snorted her doubt, albeit with amusement. "Oh really, Ben. No man could withstand a life of celibacy. A woman, aye, but a man? That is just absurd."
He lifted his head and gazed at her through lazy, passionate eyes. "Oh is it, pretty Lissie? I would not swear to that. A man can be so in love that the thought of bedding another woman is just not acceptible. I am such a man."
"Ah yes, aren't you," Felicity oozed sensuously, her mood turning teasing. As she laid back against the lush periwinkle pillows she pulled Ben down with her (not that he was offering any resistance), and he snuggled into the bend of her neck, his arms moving about her wonderfully tight, his sigh that of a man indeed aroused but content to merely lay with his heart's desire hugged close to his body. Felicity, too, revelled in the physical closeness, how well the curve of her body fit into the curve of his.
"Are you afraid of going back to Forsythe Manor, Lissie?" Ben asked softly, with worry that he could not hide.
"No," she whispered back, sounding more tired than anything else. "And yes. I swore to myself that I would never be taken back to that place as long as I drew breath. But now I am. But I can cope with it because I have friends to go with me. And the hope of finding Lettie makes any fear I feel seem mundane, because she has endured there longer than I have and been put through far worse than I."
"I cannot wait to meet this Lettie. She will be as special to me as she is to you."
Felicity was quiet, thinking his words to be noble and heartfelt, but wondering if he would still think so after Lettie was found. After all, she was determined to take the dark girl home with her no matter what anyone had to say about it. And if Lettie could not go, Felicity would not go. She decided to change the subject back to what she originally wanted to tell him. "Look Ben, about just moments ago, I wanted us to stop because I didn't want to be pregnant on a sea voyage. I'd be sick every minute."
"Oh." He sounded relieved. "I had not thought of that." He raised up on an elbow and stroked hair back away from her face. "i just want you so much, Lissie."
"I know."
"Do you believe me, then?"
"About wanting me, yes. 'Tis the trusting part I am not sure about." She turned her head to look up at him honestly. "It frightens me how much I still love you and want to be intimate with you. I was determined to hate you. Just don't...rush me, Ben."
"I know, I know, I promise, I won't." His face was back into her neck. "This is not the exact place I had envisioned making love to you for the first time in. We should be home in Williamsburg, in the house we will share as man and wife...in the bed we should be sleeping together in now. 'Tis my own damn fault that we are not where we should be tonight."
"There is enough blame to go around, Ben." Then she smiled a little. "Where did you imagine taking my innocence for the first time, anyway?"
"Oh, goodness!" Ben grinned, feeling the joy jump to life in his heart again. "Everywhere! That is, everywhere but Bristol. England. Oh let me see...on Yorktown's beaches, the woods in the rain, my loft in your barn, your bedchamber, your dining table, the storage room at the store..."
"The storage room?" Felicity laughed smartly, nearly sounding like her old self. "That is very risky!"
His lips murmured against her sensitive flesh. "Aye. That's the kind of fire you make in me." He kissed her a hard one there upon the pulse in her neck, his voice almost dreamy. "I have imagined us one hundred different ways in one hundred different places, but none of them seemed to be as appealing as making love in our own bed."
Felicity sighed, half-satisfied by the raw honesty in his answer, half-careful in thinking how much he would mean it when the time for marriage came, if at all. "I hope you mean that."
"I do. You will see."
She said nothing after that, already allowing tired sleep wash over her. The warm solidity of his body comforted her as much as the glow of the bedchamber's fire. She had a new nagging feeling that tomorrow was not going ot turn out as planned. Her heart was telling her that Lettie would not be there. After all, the duke's lawyer had confirmed that Forsythe Manor was still missing a Negro woman slave- Felicity actually hoped Lettie would not be there. If she wasn't, then that meant Lettie had escaped and was alive somewhere else.
But how could she be found then?
Ben snuggled against her as if he was scared to death she was going to slip away from him. Sleep was quick to come to him, too. Their reunion was still an overwhelming, heart-wrenching one, but the longer they were in each other's presence, the less shocking the sight of each other was becoming. The memory of that terrible day behind her father's store was not as clear as it was even a month ago. The fact that neither Tristan nor Reginald had come after her made her uneasy. Odd that she felt more nervous of them not having shown up than if they had. But there would be the authorities with her tomorrow. No Forsythe would be able to harm her with as much protection as she would have.
But yet she was still uncertain.