Chapter 28

The thing about Flynn Rider was that he could get anybody to do anything. He could talk or charm or cheat his way out of any situation.

At least that's how Eugene remembers Flynn Rider, but the details are starting to get hazy. Flynn Rider's crushing defeat at the hands of the one girl on Earth who could not be charmed has elevated the way he thinks about his old self to the stature of a legend. He tells himself that things used to be a certain way before Rapunzel, but at this point Eugene has taken over to such an extent that he's starting to doubt if any of it was true. Was he really that great after all or was he just constantly deluding himself? If he was as awesome as he tells himself he was, then why can't he tap into that and get Blondie to quit being crazy?

He doesn't know. What he does know is that Eugene is an unhelpful sap who's going to dig them into a deeper pit before he can man up and act.

So he makes a conscious decision. He is going to be Flynn Rider for the rest of the day and that way they are going to survive this.

The problem is that there's no convincing her to change her mind. He's known this for a while now, and she's not going to change that part of her personality today just because he wants her to. I'm going to see the floating lights no matter what! I'm going to go on a crazy tour that's giving me multiple panic attacks! I'm going to be sultry and obnoxious until you agree to marry me!

He hadn't gotten out of the first one. He wasn't going to get out of the second. And the third… Good grief. If he has any room left in his brain to be mad at her he would be, but right now he's busy coming up with a plan. Maybe later he can get upset with her.

Oh good. Something to look forward to.

Since he can't get them out of this by changing Rapunzel's mind, the only thing to do is to change everyone else's. Yes. Ok. That's doable.

She shivers in his arms and he absently pulls her cloak tighter around her shoulders and his arm tighter around her waist. She sneaks her hand over his to give it a squeeze, but her eyes remain focused on a spot somewhere between Maximus' ears.

Then he slaps himself, because that's a Eugene thing to do. It's a nice thing to do, but it's still… oh crap, this already isn't working.

He bends his head to murmur in her ear so only she can hear him. Well, Max can probably hear too, but he doesn't count.

"I have a plan," he says, sure to keep his voice calm and pitched in a way that won't startle her, sure not to nuzzle her ear or her neck. "Go along with it, alright?"

"I'm not running away."

"So I've heard. But this isn't running away. We're just changing the rules a bit."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember that meeting where we talked about distribution, and it went on forever, and everyone was arguing, and Lord Steven had spinach in his teeth."

"It's hard to forget."

"You remember how everyone was in an uproar about the security in the poor house?"

"The work house," she corrects.

"Follow my lead and this might be a less stressful trip than the others."

She turns her head to give him a skeptical look, but by then they've arrived and he helps her down, noting that she is still acting a bit dizzy.

He makes sure that she's stable, before he puts on his determined face and marches straight up to the head accountant. If you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you might as well use it. And if you act confident enough you can get away with anything.

"Master Perkins, I wish to speak with you on behalf of the princess."

The accountant pauses looking through his stack of documents to raise a pencil thin eyebrow. He is one of the people who would prefer for Eugene to be as far away from him and his loved ones as humanly possible. "Oh really?" His voice creaks skeptically. Ok, maybe confidence isn't all he needs.

"Yes." By now Rapunzel has joined him at his elbow, looking as though she might have another panic attack, and expecting Eugene to stab her in the back by announcing that she wants to go home. "The princess is deeply concerned about the security measures in this institution. She requests to personally inspects the accommodations."

The accountant looks aghast that he hasn't been informed of this change ahead of time. He also looks a bit hurt that someone is questioning his judgment. But thankfully, he directs all this blame at Eugene rather than the princess. Who does Eugene think he is anyway?

He turns to the princess for confirmation and she nods her head slowly, still not entirely sure how Eugene's plan is going to help.

But it's enough. The accountant sighs deeply, agrees to her demands, and shows them inside, leading them straight to an office in the back without stopping to speak or even look at the few dirty children and thin, frail women who peek their heads out for a look at royalty. Rapunzel has her head held high and her eyes locked on the back of the accountant's head, and this leaves Eugene to grin at the children and wink at their mothers, who blush and pull their children back. In a few minutes they won't remember that the new princess didn't give them the time of day. They'll remember that they saw her and she was beautiful and her escort was charming.

The accountant begrudgingly introduces them to the work house director and Rapunzel is so used to introductions by now that she handles herself with poise. Only Eugene can see that her smile does not reach her eyes.

He makes himself taller, clears his throat in a commanding way, and gives the director a fierce glare that nearly makes the man shit himself. "Concerns have been raised about your security. Show us what measures you've taken to alleviate those fears."

It should also be noted that Flynn has pulled this act before. "I'm here to inspect your security. Show me where your safe is and tell me the combination. Oh, no, no, no, this won't do at all. Give it to me and I'll fix it up for you to make it better. Wouldn't want vandals to come and steal your life savings, would we?"

But now he's standing next to the princess and he's wearing nice clothes, and he's in the party of government servants, so this is going to be about a million times easier. Especially since the goal is just to waste an hour of time, rather than steal a whole bunch of money. Phil would be proud that he doesn't pull at the collar of his jacket, even though it's getting painfully annoying again.

The director rises, looking frightened and explains that they keep the money here in his office and only he has the key.

Eugene gives him a long, intense look that makes him gulp, then turns to inspect the lock. Maybe those bureaucrats had a point other than "poor people are sketchy and will steal anything." Security here was a joke. If he ever did have a desire to rob the place, it would be too easy. It wouldn't even be fun.

"This is your lock?" he asks with contempt. He sighs theatrically. "Anyone could pick this. It's so easy I bet..." he looks around, as if trying to find a volunteer, "Ah! I bet the princess could do it."

"What? This is nonsense! That door is entirely secure."

Rapunzel's eyes enlarge, and he bows before asking in a whisper that carries, "Do you have two hairpins, your highness?"

She nods slowly, and he grins at the director, guides her outside the office, and waits for the lock to click shut behind them.

"I think this is going well," he murmurs.

"What are you doing?" she hisses. "This is insane!"

"I am going to keep you doing simple and easy tasks until everyone gets done moving money around and then we can move along."

"And having me pick locks is making it easier for me? People are going to think I'm crazy."

"No. They're going to think I'm crazy. They're going to think you're very sweet for putting up with me. Now show 'em what you got."

She narrows her eyes at him, plucks out two hair pins, and sets to work on the lock. Thirty seconds later it pops open with a click, but during that time he watches her as she finds a focus and puts aside her other troubles, even if it's just for those short moments. She straightens up to give him a blank look.

"That's my girl. If we weren't in the middle of something I'd kiss you."

"Too bad we're in the middle of something." With that she opens the door and strides in, much to the director's dismay.

"Yeah, buddy. You're really going to need a better lock on that."

The man swells, puffing out his cheeks indignantly. "You helped her!"

Eugene turns to Rapunzel. "Did I help you?"

"No."

"There you go."

The director splutters, his face growing redder, reminding Rapunzel a bit of Pascal. She misses Pascal right now, and reminds herself that he needs to come with her if they ever do something like this again.

"That's not the only security measure we have!"

"Really? What else you got?"

"We keep the money in a safe."

"And which safe is that?"

"This one!" The man points at a black, metal box in the corner, and for a moment victory gleams in his eyes before he realizes that telling someone where you keep your money is probably not the best safety procedure. His grin fades a bit.

"That safe?" Eugene asks.

The director attempts to hold on to some measure of pride, and laces his voice with defiance. "Yes."

"Huh. I thought you were going to tell me that's a toy."

The man huffs.

"So where do you hide it?"

"What?"

"Well, it's out today because you were expecting us and don't want to show us your hiding place, but where do you keep it the rest of the time?"

"Uh…"

"…You don't just leave it there, do you?"

"So what if I do?"

Eugene sighs and trades a look with Rapunzel. His look says, Some people, am I right? Her says, Please don't hurt this man's feelings.

He strolls up to the safe, taps it a few times here and there with his finger tips, listening for the subtle changes in pitch, then he takes the butt of his hand and hits it, causing the safe to spring open immediately.

He crosses his arms over his chest as he gives the director a pitying look. "Now do you want to talk about your security problems?"

This does the trick, and Eugene is amazingly proud of himself as he keeps Rapunzel and the director busy for the next hour trying to find a place to hide a safe in an office. Rapunzel looks at this like a kind of game and within a few minutes she's smiling again.

Eugene then gives detailed instructions for what new kind of lock to get and some simple security measures that will make it more difficult for people like Flynn Rider to rob him blind. It'll make it difficult, but not impossible because Flynn Rider could steal anything if he put his mind to it. Rapunzel likes this part too, because she thinks hearing about anything in obsessive detail is interesting. She also likes hearing Eugene's stories about being a dashing rouge, even if they're taken slightly out of context like this.

Her face is relaxed again as they leave, but her shoulders tense as they make their way through the streets again. It's late afternoon and the streets are growing more crowded. A group of kids are trying to fly a kite, which veers dangerously close to her head. A group of women are screaming at a vendor. A dog runs up and snaps at Maximus' feet, causing him to prance sideways and snarl. They can hear a band playing a dance number, but it's impossible to tell which building it's coming from. The street alternates between smelling like bread, and smelling like fish, and smelling like mud, and smelling like paint so rapidly that it makes her head spin.

Their next stop is the asylum, and given the speed that her eyes are darting between every last little thing and that her breathing hasn't felt right in hours, Eugene makes the decision that he is going to do whatever's necessary to keep her from even going inside. He may have to fake some sort of sudden illness or maybe a broken leg or something. It would freak her out, but then they'd go home where she could calm down.

As luck would have it, the director of the asylum meets them out on the front steps and Eugene puts on his "I'm your new best friend" grin and starts saying ridiculous things about the building's architecture.

"Look at that roofing, Blondie. Have you ever seen tiles that shade of red before? That's amazing."

She looks at him like he's crazy, and his craziness is about to make her cry, but then the director hurries forward looking beside himself with glee. "Yes! They are quite spectacular, aren't they. You have a good eye, sir."

"I do, don't I?"

They both laugh. The director laughs because he's finally found someone to talk to about the joy of roof repair. Eugene laughs because he's shocked that this is actually working.

"We imported them from [someplace Eugene's never heard of.]"

"You don't say!"

"Have you ever been there?"

"Who hasn't?"

"Haha! I went there on holiday [at some time for some duration] with my good friend [whose dropped name means nothing to Eugene.]"

"[That guy's name only appropriately shortened]! You don't say. What's he been up to?"

"Retired."

"Good for him. He deserves it after so many years of [random guess at a hobby]."

"He certainly does. That old so-and-so"

"Now tell me more about this roof."

The conversation then moves to the angle of the slope of the roof. Eugene suspects that it would be difficult to climb, especially in winter. The director says that they actually found a way to put a third floor inside the roof and it works great except that the walls are all slanted, which confuses their patients and makes the nurses whack their heads. Rapunzel chimes in in a delicate little voice to say that the angle is actually purposeful so that from afar it holds a ratio that [some Greek guy] thought was the most beautiful thing ever. The director thinks that's the greatest thing he's ever heard.

Then they talk about what the most beautiful thing ever is. Rapunzel says that it's flowers and she recently saw the most wonderful painting of flowers called [something to do with Spring] by [some guy that did a lot of paintings.] And now she's back on a topic she knows, talking to just one new person who seems interested, and her posture eases visibly. Eugene says some crap about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, and the director readily agrees with him in a way that makes Eugene suspect that the director is trying to hit on him.

Huh. Well… he can work with that.

They move on to some other philosophical disagreements, where Eugene understands absolutely nothing and nods a lot and says things like, "I'd never thought of it that way," and "Surely you must be joking," and "I couldn't agree more, my friend." It doesn't really matter, because as long as he stands a certain way, with his head cocked to the side and his arms crossed casually over his chest, the director doesn't seem to hear a word he says anyway. Every now and then he'll grin and toss his hair just for good measure. Goldie probably thinks he has a tick, but she's too involved in explaining some odd minor concept from a philosopher who's been dead for hundreds of years to call him on it.

He's starting to believe that his plan is perfect. He is a genius. And everyone should be in awe of how cunningly he has saved his princess. One more stop and they'd be home and she will admit that he saved the day and she needs him and ought to listen to him more, and then he'll pull her close and-

"I think they're ready to move on," she says.

"Huh? Oh. Right."

It's going well, but with the realization that their next stop is the orphanage, his fantastical Flynn-ness starts to fall away in chunks and a knot forms in his stomach that's so tight it's hard to breathe. He's never been Flynn there. He's only been Eugene, who was scared and needy and wished for nothing more than a family. He used to hide and he used to cry, and he has no desire to return, no desire to have his Flynn persona who could handle such things ripped away, no desire to crumple in front of Rapunzel and maybe bring her down too with his weakness.

He doesn't want her to see where he grew up, because it's sad and she doesn't need any more of that in her life.

"Eugene?" she whispers, pushing back against his chest to bring her voice closer to his ear. "Are you alright?"

"I'm great. Why?"

She searches his face for a moment and he realizes that at this point she may be able to sense his moods as well as he can sense hers. She shakes her head and turns forward again, which is probably a good call. But then he realizes that she's not ignoring him completely, because she's started to soak up his stress and the heartbeat in the hand against his starts to pick up.

His anxiety makes her anxious and her anxiety makes him more anxious, so by the time they get there they're a big ball of frayed nerves. Great!

He reaches up to pull at his collar, but then thinks better of it and drops his hand again with a growl.

The headmaster is standing in the doorway to greet them when they arrive. Actually, greet seems like far too friendly a term. The man is probably there to berate them, hit them with a ruler, then act emotionally distant for the next few days.

A small hand slips into his, and he looks down to see Rapunzel following his gaze. She has that look, that hardness to her eyes and that set of her jaw that means she's terrified, but she's going to be brave. Usually in these situations her version of bravery comes pretty close to stupidity, and so the sight of her fills him with equal parts encouragement and dread.

"You once told me to go big or go home," she says, just soft enough that her words are lost under the bustle of all the guards.

"We could go home." He throws in an eyebrow wiggle just for good measure, just to show the somewhere deep inside Flynn's still kicking.

She looks up at him and puts on a very fake looking smile. It doesn't suit her. "Don't be scared."

She rubs her thumb over his knuckles and pulls him forward, toward the drab little building growing darker shades of grey in the retreating light.