Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. This story is merely my way of saluting her. I do not own any of these characters; I just manipulate their thoughts.

-x-

Oooh boy, I can just see you guys squirming in your seats. I bet you're thinking, 'Remus Lupin, what the fuck?' You'd think that's what I'd be thinking too… But, at that moment, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Astrid Bloom, you little bitch.'

Why?

Fade to scene.

So maybe Step 3 worked a little too well. Okay, so it worked a lot too well. Because that night, Sirius was walking out of detention when he was grabbed from behind and thrown against the wall. Before he could reach for his wand, another pressed against his chest. He tried to make out the face in the dark hallway.

"Um, Astrid?" he squeaked in a very effeminate tone. He cleared his throat. "What are you doing?" he asked, his voice much gruffer now.

"What are you doing?" she asked, cocking her head to the side and smirking at Sirius.

"Er…"

"You are trying to get with me…"

Astrid, you perceptive little bitch.

Sirius was stunned into silence. He just gaped at her. She took that as a yes.

"Why?"

Sirius gaped.

"Do you like me that much?"

He just gaped.

"Because all this time, I could see that you were jealous…" she said in a slightly singsong voice.

Uh oh, we all know what happens when a girl starts using her singsong voice. Nothing good. Well, sometimes you get laid if she uses her singsong voice on you…

"Are you?"

"Um…"

"Tell me."

5. Run like hell from your wolf's crazy girlfriend.

"I – I'm just gonna – Um… I'm gonna go now, okay?"

"Oh, are you? Because for the past two weeks, it seemed like you were interested," she said, dropping her wand. Before Sirius could let out a sigh of relief, her palm pressed against his chest where her wand had been. He flattened against the wall. He usually knew what to do in typical situations. Let her get her way. But this wasn't one of those typical situations. Because he wasn't after the girl. He was after her boy.

"N – no. I – Remus…"

"Oh, I can handle the two of you."

Yes, my jaw dropped just like yours. And just like Sirius'.

"Wh – what?"

"I said," Astrid whispered, stepping closer, "I can handle the two of you."

"Fu –" But the rest of the profanity was lost under Astrid's lips. Now both her hands were pressing Sirius against the wall, assaulting him with a torrent of kisses and nips. Her hands inched up towards Sirius' hair, one pressing urgently against his cheek while the other coiled around his black locks.

Run like hell.

Sirius shoved Astrid away, sprinting out of the corridor.

Yeah, you heard me right. Sirius ran away from a girl.

He rounded the corner jerkily, not bothering to hang back and listen to Astrid's questioning comment. He needed to get out of there as fast as he could. And he needed to talk to Remus before Astrid had a chance to.

6. Fuck, there is no 6. This is too messed up! Seducing your wolf's girlfriend? A fucking bad idea!

Once in the Gryffindor common room, Sirius finally stopped for some air. Because even he needs oxygen once in a while.

"You look like you're about to pass out," Peter mumbled from over his homework.

"I am," Sirius wheeze, dropping on all fours while gulping in the air.

"Running a marathon?" Peter asked.

Sirius groaned, flopping on his back as he regained the use of his lungs. "Fuck!" he shouted, beating on the floor with his fists and feet.

"You're a tad bit too old to be throwing a tantrum," Frank said as he looked at Sirius nonchalantly.

"Hey, mate, you alright?" Remus asked, loping down from his dorm room and kneeling beside Sirius.

"No," Sirius whined, pouting.

James was barking with laughter when he saw the scene in front of him as he walked into his common room. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"The usual," Peter mumbled. "And keep it down."

Lily and Alice stepped in through the porthole, stumbling to a halt at Sirius' prone figure. They shrugged and stepped over him, continuing their conversation on the Potions essay.

"What's wrong?" James asked again, his eyes following Lily as he crouched down beside Sirius.

"Everything," Sirius moaned dramatically.

Vera walked in, carrying her load of books. She narrowed her eyes at her ex-boyfriend, making sure to tread over his fingers as she stepped over him to get to the study tables.

"Fuck, Vera!" Sirius swore, clutching his throbbing hand.

She flicked her hair at him, joining Frank at the table.

"My life is turning to shit."

Remus and James had to dig their nails into their fists and bite their cheeks to keep from rolling on the floor with laughter. Sirius and his tantrums always took precedence over the world's problems. Hell, when Sirius threw a tantrum, Lord Voldemort was just a faint memory in everyone's minds.

"Aw, did poor wittle Paddy get wejected?" James asked, comfortingly patting Sirius' shoulder. The neutral touch.

Far from the truth. He got what he asked for. And more.

"Hey, have you guys – oh, hey!" Astrid said cheerfully, stepping into the common room.

Yes, everyone seemed eager to stall Sirius' tantrum.

That was all the prompt Sirius needed to shoot up at dizzying speeds. "You – you know the password?" he stammered.

James and Remus flicked their eyes from Sirius to Astrid, questioning frowns on their faces.

"Well, yeah…" Astrid said slowly. She knelt down next to Remus, planting a soft kiss on his lips. "My boyfriend's in Gryffindor, after all," she grinned.

"I'm gonna hang out with Astrid for a bit. And calm the fuck down, Sirius," Remus said, getting up.

"No!" Sirius said loudly.

Remus blinked. "Okay… Don't calm down…" he said, as Astrid grabbed his hand and pulled him to the door.

"Not that!" Sirius muttered fiercely, grabbing Remus' other hand and pulling him away from the door. "I need to talk to you," he hissed.

"I need to talk to him, first," Astrid said.

"I'm his best friend, I get first dibs."

"I'm his girlfriend, I get first everything."

And there was poor Remus, caught in between the tug of war. James folded his arms in front of his chest, pouting. "Hey, I thought I was your best friend," he said in mock dejection.

"Semantics," Remus quipped, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. From the tight squeezes Astrid was giving him, he knew it had something to do with what Sirius was so damn eager to talk about. "Um, so I'm gonna go with her, okay?" he said, knowing Sirius was about to blow up in his face.

"What?"

Remus took the opportunity to pull his hand out of Sirius' hand and run out of the room with Astrid trailing behind him.

"Shit!"

Sirius ran after them, tripping out of the common room and looking both ways. They were gone.

"Fuck!"

"Language, Mr. Black!" the Fat Lady chided, covering her dainty ears.

"Fucking bitch, I'm going to kill her. Shit!"

The Fat Lady fainted.

Poor lady…

Fade to scene.

"What did you do?" Remus asked, panting as they slipped into a small hollow behind the snoring knight.

"I kissed him!" Astrid said, her eyes wide with mischief and her grin splitting her face.

"What?"

"I kissed him. And he freaked out!"

"He – wh – he frea – why?"

Astrid rolled her eyes. "Do I have to spell every single thing out to you?"

"Yes! I'm so confused. He ran into the common room and started throwing a huge fit. That was about you? I told you not to mess with him! He was going mental!"

"Yeah! I know, right? It was freaking awesome!"

"What, the kiss?"

"The kiss was crap."

Remus scowled. "He's a great kisser."

"How would you know?"

"Um…"

"You kissed him?"

"No! Sheesh…" Remus blurted, blushing. "Er – he kissed me…"

"WHAT?"

"It was a joke!"

"A JOKE?"

"Shut up! You'll wake everyone!"

"You are so dense! The kiss was crap because he didn't want to kiss me," Astrid exclaimed.

"But you said he was flirting with you."

"And he didn't want to kiss me."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Let's piece it together, you duffer. He's flirting with me, but he doesn't want to kiss me. He's jealous, but he doesn't want to kiss me. I threw myself at him, but he doesn't want to kiss me."

Remus banged the back of his head against the wall. "Get to the point."

"He wants me to break up with you!"

"By not kissing you… That's just great."

"He wants me to break up with you because he wants to kiss you!"

Crickets…

"Remus?"

Only quiet… Maybe one raindrop…

Bonus cool points for anyone who knows where that's from! Ahem, anyways, back to clueless Remus.

"Still with me?"

"It – worked?" he squeaked.

"Yeah! It worked!"

Remus ran his fingers through his hair in distress. "Oh my fucking Merlin! What do I do? Do I say something to him? Fuck, he must hate me – no, he's going to kill me! I didn't even think it would work. Goddamn it! I can't believe you kissed him! I can't believe he wants to kiss me! How did this –"

"Calm the heck down. I have a plan."

"I don't like your plans. Your plan got me into this mess. He thinks I'm straight!"

"So? He's straight too…"

"Uh…"

"Anyways, here's how it works."

And here I am, running tight circles in my brain, trying to keep tabs on who wants to snog whom, who wants to kill whom, and who wants to fuck whom. Gave me a serious headache.

Fade to scene.

Step 4: Unwittingly fall for your Wolf's Made-up-Girlfriend's Plan

Remus stormed into his dorm room, fuming as he paced in front of his bed. Sirius had seen him running up the stairs and feared the worst. So he stood by the door, biting his lip as he watched Remus kick at trunks and punch pillows. He ventured into the room.

"Um… Moony?" he asked in trepidation.

"Shut up."

Sirius shut up.

"I can't believe you went behind my back, you lying, cheating son of a bitch!"

Sirius stifled his groan.

"You tried to steal my girlfriend?"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut.

"You kissed her?"

Sirius bit his lip.

"We broke up. Happy?"

"Look, I – she – I never –"

"Shut up."

Sirius shut up.

"And you know what else?" Remus said suddenly, turning around and planting his hands on his hips. "She said you were an awful kisser."

Oh man, did that ever sting…

"I'm not," Sirius huffed, mirroring Remus' stance.

"Whatever, you egotistical bastard."

"In fact, I'm an amazing kisser."

"Oh my gosh, do you ever just shut up?"

I was jumping up and down with excitement! This was the earth-shattering kiss I was waiting for! About fucking time! GAH!

"Besides, I didn't kiss her. She kissed me."

Remus blinked at Sirius. He was waiting for more. According to Astrid's instructions. From the look in his eyes, all he really wanted to do was snog the lips off of Sirius. Sirius was, of course, oblivious to the look. He continued, "So, no, it's not all my fault. I wasn't trying to steal you stupid excuse for a girlfriend."

"So what exactly were you doing?"

Damn you! Where's that kiss?

Step 5: Get Everything Under Control

"I – er… I – um…"

"Spit it out."

"She wasn't right for you," Sirius blurted out.

Remus bit his tongue to keep from smiling. "And you would know? She broke up with me because she liked you more. Does that mean she's right for you?"

"She's not right for me, either," Sirius said rapidly, keeping his eyes on his shoes.

"What the fuck are you playing at?"

"Nothing!"

"So you kiss – oh, sorry, she kisses you because you flirted with her and now you're telling me she's not right for you?"

"Look, it's all a misunderstanding."

Step 5 was becoming an utter failure!

"Well, I hope you are satisfied now. I'm miserable, she's miserable, and you're miserable. Great fucking job, Sirius. And all you got from it was a ruddy, miserable kiss."

Step 6: Fuck it all, just do it!

Sirius strode up to Remus…

Yes, yes…

He pushed him against the bedpost…

Of fuck yes!

"It was not a miserable kiss," Sirius snarled, wrapping his arm around Remus' waist…

Oh my dear Merlin, I love you SO much!

Sirius pushed hard lips against Remus, demanding compliance. His fingers bruised Remus' narrow hips as he pulled them towards him. He bit down on Remus' bottom lip, eliciting a gasp. That was all the opportunity Sirius needed to push his tongue into Remus. He pressed into Remus forcefully, moving one arm up and tangling his fingers into Remus' hair. He wrapped his tongue around Remus', tugging it. Remus held onto the bedpost for dear life.

"What the fuck?"

NO! JAMES POTTER, I am going to murder you in your sleep!

Sirius untangled himself from Remus, staggering back. James was pale as a ghost, grabbing the door to keep himself upright. Remus stumbled backwards, sitting heavily on the bed with glazed eyes.

"Y – you just – and he – but wh – how di – I – I – I'm gonna throw up," James stammered, sprinting out of the dorm room, leaving Remus and Sirius.

"Why did you do that?" Remus asked distantly, touching his sore lips.

Sirius was blushing furiously, gulping down his nerves. He couldn't speak because he was too mortified.

"You – just – you kissed me?" Remus exclaimed, blinking his eyes back into focus. "You just bloody kissed me?"

"I – um – you said – I was just – I'm not a miserable kisser…"

Remus stared at Sirius' downturned face, an incredulous laughter building up in him. Astrid was right. Sirius wanted to kiss him.

"You arse!" Remus laughed, lunging at Sirius and toppling him onto the bed.

"What?" Sirius breathed, staring at Remus' face.

"I know you aren't a miserable kisser," Remus said, fluttering his lips against Sirius' mouth.

Please, for Merlin's sake and for the sake of my sanity, lock the door…

The door slammed shut as Remus wandlessly flicked his hand at it. "No more interruptions."

"What?" Sirius asked again as he breathed in Remus' sweet scent.

"No more James…" Remus smiled, parting Sirius' lips and dropping his tongue into his mouth for a tender taste. He groaned helplessly as he tugged at Sirius' hair and ran his other hand down his chest. "Wow," he sighed.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked.

Oh, for – just shut up and kiss him.

"Just shut up and kiss me."

"Okay…"

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, crushing him. Their tongues danced against each other, softly kneading and tasting. Sirius moved his hand, accidentally touching Remus' skin. Remus gasped, pulling away from Sirius' mouth and moving down to his neck. Sirius' hand traveled under Remus' shirt, running up his scarred back. Remus made his way from one side of Sirius' neck to the other, lacing red marks as he moved.

"This can't be real," Sirius murmured.

"Believe me, it's about as real as it gets…"

"But – you – and Astrid?"

"I thought I told you to shut the fuck up, Paddy!"

"I'm so confused. Why are you kissing me?"

"Because you want me to."

"Oh…"

"And because I want to."

"You do?"

"And because Astrid wants me to."

"She does?"

"Why were you flirting with her? Honestly?"

"So she'd break up with you…"

"It worked."

"Imagine that."

"What was the next part of your plan?"

"Not this…"

"What was it?"

"To seduce you."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Remus pulled away, his hands pressing down on Sirius' shoulders, pushing him into the mattress. A not-so-neutral touch in his case since he was straddling Sirius' hips. "Seduce me."

"What?" Sirius asked, his lustful eyes clearing into confusion.

"Seduce me," Remus said, slipping off of Sirius.

"Why?" Sirius asked, propping himself up on his elbows to find Remus straightening his shirt.

"Because that's the next part of your plan."

"But you just – I don't need to…" Sirius said, frowning in puzzlement.

"It'll be – fun!"

"Fun?"

"Yeah."

"You're mental."

"So are you."

"Does this mean you're my boyfriend?"

Remus winked. "Not yet…"

Step 7: Seduce your Wolf