It was 6:00 pm when Italy got home from work, same as always. He pulled out his keys, same as always. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, same as always.

"Germany, I'm ho-" The scene he walked in on wasn't the same. Germany and Russia were asleep on the floor, Russia sideways and Germany's head on Russia's stomach. "Germany!" The loud, shrill voice made both men jump to their feet.

"I-Italy! I'm just… We're not… T-this isn't what it looks like!"

"Y-yeah! After you left, we were bored so we started watching TV! We must've dozed off!" Technically, Russia and Germany weren't lying. They did indeed start watching T.V. after Italy left. They just didn't mention what else had happened.

"Both of you, shut up! I don't want to hear it! Russia, out!"

"b-but-" Russia stuttered. He didn't want Germany to have to fend for himself. Italy had that freaky super strength thing when he was mad. And he looked very mad.

"NO BUTS, GET OUT NOW!"

"Yipe…ok…I'm leaving…" Russia slowly walked to the front door, keeping his eyes on Italy.

"No, Russia, wait!" It was too late. Russia opened the door and slipped quickly outside, slamming the door behind him. Germany sighed. "And then there was one…"

"Yeah, and that one is about to be six feet under if he doesn't explain what the hell that was all about!" Germany gulped.

"N-nothing! We just fell asleep!" Italy narrowed his eyes and grabbed the collar of the blonde man's shirt.

"You know you can't lie to me."

"And I'm not! Believe me, please, you have to!"

"You're lying! I can tell you're lying! I know something happened between you two!" They stood there, staring into each other's eyes, and time seemed to slow down. Hours seemed to fly by, when in reality it had only been a minute. Germany looked away and finally accepted his fate.

"Ok, fine, I admit it. Me and Russia had sex. But you have to understand, it was completely accidental!"

"ACCIDENTAL? HOW THE HELL CAN SEX BE ACCIDENTAL? YOU BOTH HAVE TO AGREE TO DO IT!" Italy took a deep breath to keep his blood pressure down. "Or did he rape you?"

"Yes…well, no…please Feliciano, just try and listen!" Italy winced at the use of his real name. He had loved hearing his name when Germany said it before. But now…it sounded wrong. Germany had made himself impure. Italy never wanted to hear Germany say his name again. Germany sat on the sofa and motioned for Italy to follow. Reluctantly, Italy followed. "Remember when Romano and America were chasing me and Russia?"

"Yes."

"Ok, now remember when you called me after the chase finally ended hours later?"

"Uh huh."

"Remember when Russia took the phone and said he was taking me to the bar?"

"Yes, now does this have a point or can I continue ripping your limbs off?" Germany gulped.

"I thought you wanted to hear what happened!"

"So that's a no then? Good, c'mere!" Italy stood up and walked towards Germany, who automatically covered his face with his arms and twisted his torso so his back was facing Italy as much as possible.

"Gyah! Italy wait!" Italy growled, but backed up anyway.

"Now what?" Germany opened one eye and peered at Italy to make sure he wasn't holding any blunt objects before shifting and sitting correctly on the sofa again.

"At least hear the whole story. If you still want to kill me after that then go ahead but at the very least get your facts straight first."

"…Hmph, fine." Italy sat down on the opposite side of the couch and twined his fingers over his swollen stomach. Germany sent a silent prayer to whatever had just helped save his skin.

"Well Russia invited me to a bar. You already know that. Everything started simple. Drinks and stuff. But then we started talking and after an hour or so the conversation shifted to relationships. So we start talking about you and Canada and we wonder which of you was better. Y'know, in bed. And from there we got onto which of us was better."

"And that's when it happened?"

"No, it happened after we were back home."

"Well then skip to that part."

"…Fine. Impatient pregnant jerk…"

"What was that?" Germany shivered.

"N-Nothing. Let me finish. We were both wasted so France drove us ho-"

"Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, wait. Where'd France come in?"

"He was the bartender at the bar Russia took us to."

"France bartends?"

"I know!" Germany smirked. "back on topic, he drove us home and Russia passed out on the way here. France was gonna drop me off and then drop Russia off but he was concerned that Russia would be there by himself. He was thinking about taking Russia to his house."

"Why didn't you let him?"

"You kidding me? It's FRANCE."

"…yeah good point."

"So I told France I'd watch Russia, carried him inside, and laid him on the couch. He woke up a little later and asked where he was. I told him and he went back to sleep." Germany felt he should leave out the stuff about Russia's personal feelings.

"And then I found him the next morning, right?" Germany nodded.

"Yeah. You flipped and then left for work. After that Russia woke up and apologized and tried to leave but I didn't let him."

"Well why not?"

"Because Canada wasn't home yet now hush. He started arguing with me and I could only think of one way to shut him up." Germany blushed and rubbed the back of his head. "I kissed him." Italy's eyes went wide and then narrowed as the words sank in.

"And then it happened?"

"Um…yeah, basically. He ran upstairs and I followed him and saw that the kiss aroused him…and it happened a little after that." Italy was silent for a moment. Then his forehead scrunched up in anger.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS! WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR YEARS NOW! AND NOW YOU GO AND DO THIS! WHAT IN HELL WOULD POSSESS YOU TO DO THI-" Italy gasped and fell to his knees.