Scarlet Teardrops
Authors note: to my readers of my other stories please bare with me I have been working a new job and my husband almost died from sepsis this past month January has been a rough year I tell ya. But kind of blocked right now so gonna try this out. May end up a one shot or more depending on feedback and interest. Lmk rr please.
Tw: contains depression, self harm,bullying and self loathing.
If God could create the killer whale with the seal then why not Vampire with human
It has been months since he left me alone in those woods. Left me like nothing. I was nothing. I realized that now. How could anyone love someone as pathetic and vulnerable as I? Charlie had threatened once again to send me to Renée, in which I adamantly refused. I understood that nobody would love me and it was made very clear nobody wanted me here especially my father, my previous friends, nobody even dared to look at me anymore and when they did all I saw was pity and possibly disgust.
The girl everybody once wanted for themselves merely a year ago, had become nothing, a burden. I wasn't even sure myself why I still burdened everybody with my presence. Hell even Jacob had left me after our friendly date to the movies. If only I hadn't been too cowardly to just end it all. Why am I even here still? My reverie was ended by Charlie yelling for me down the stairs. slowly and hesitantly
I made my way down to him. "I'm going fishing with Billy" he stated, eyeing me wearily. "ok" I answered Nonchalant. "Are you sure you're gonna be OK, Bella? Here by yourself." I suppressed a groan. Why did he care? "Yeah, Dad, I'll be fine." I stated. "Go, have fun. Catch a big one" I added with a vague smile. I had to think. I needed to be alone With my thoughts. He smiled wryly at me. Before making his way back down the stairs. Leaving me to walk to the bathroom shutting and locking the door while turning the tap scalding, seeing the steam wafting up filled me with a weird sense of pleasure. Letting my clothes drop I looked into the mirror, Disgusting a voice said in my head. It was right, even if Edward decided to come back he most definitely wouldn't want me now. Gone were the subtle curves and toned stomach, now I was all skin hugging the too large bones of my body like a sheet. "Disgusting" I copied the voice. I reached into the medicine cabinet for my razor, I needed to shave. My hand slipped causing the razor to crash to the floor breaking. God for once could I Do something right. I reached down, picking up the razor. Realizing that the Blades had broke free. Looking them over, twisting them in my hand. "Ouch" I nicked myself. The small bead of blood formed from the small nick in my palm.
I stood up in a hurried motion as the small bead of blood formed to a small stream slowly trickling down the palm of my hand. "fuck," I let out in an instant as I got the closest thing to wipe away the blood. Lifting the toilet paper I looked at the art my blood had created seeping into the fibers creating something beautiful, something wanted. It brought me a feeling of adrenaline, peace. The edges of the hole in my heart tingling but not in a bad way, I enjoyed the feeling. The razor lay still in my other palm as I reached for it. picking it up I slowly ran it across my lower arm, paying close attention not to nick a vain, after all I didn't want to kill myself. Did I? (I just needed to try something, as I realized that the blood that would have normally smelled of rust and made me faint, didn't cause that affect this time.) Another glimpse of Edward appeared next to me hand reached out towards me. Self consciously I grabbed the towel from the towel rack covering my body with it. Halting I dropped the towel noticing the stinging in my arm. The pain made the hole quiver violently "WHY DOES IT MATTER!" I said with venom towards my hallucination "You didn't want me, you left! You broke your promise" I swiped his image away with my hand and he didn't come back. I continued to run the blade across my arm slowly increasing pressure. The stinging causing me to close my eyes as the tingling in my chest began quivering and growing slowly covering the hole in my chest with a numbing sheet of warmth and euphoria, After a few moments I felt the blood starting to drip down my arm in a slow steady stream. Opening my eyes I dropped the razor as I watched the blood stream end at the tip of my middle finger creating a puddle at the end. I watched in fascination. Smiling for the first time in months. Charlies cruiser starting and pulling out of the drive made me jump. Jumping in the scalding bath I sat down watching the blood from my arm no longer stream as the water burned everywhere the blood came up to the waters surface like a strange new kind of flower. It was beautiful. Laying my head against the back of the tub I started to lose consciousness drifting in and out. I smiled to myself again enjoying the stinging sensation and letting the exhaustion of the past months finally take hold and pull me into a dreamless sleep.
(hours later), I awake to the sound of a knock at the door. Taking a grip at the thing we call reality and looking at the door then my arm seeing only a clean slit wanting to bleed but is stopped by the water against it. The water around me was a light pink from the blood that whirled. I stood up and my arm started to bleed but not as much as before. "Shit," I said totally forgetting that someone was waiting outside the door. I looked around and a small dry blood stain laid under my feet as for the toilet paper that laid in the trash with the beautiful piece of art that was soaked into it. "Is everything alright in there bella," the words of my father just floated around for a minute or two as I awoke fully. A hand twisted the locked door rattling it. I realized I still hadn't answered "Ya dad!" I shouted back jumping up and standing out of the freezing water. Covering my body with a towel. "Sorry I fell asleep." I added not lieing and not wanting to scare him as he asked why I had been in the bathroom for so long.
"Alright bells just letting you know I'm home early, not feeling to well." He said gruffly before I heard him shuffling across the hall to his bedroom and shutting the door. I sighed. For once truly content. After fully drying my body I opened the medicine cabinet grabbing the first aid kit and covering the 3 inch cut on My arm before pulling my Long black hoodie on. I reveled in the pain as I looked in the mirror My baggy sweats and hoodie covering my emaciated body. But something was different about me. For the first time in months the bags under my eyes looked a little less prominent. A small glimmer of life was once back in my dull brown eyes. Grabbing My wounded arm with my other hand I squeezed slightly causing the stinging pain to travel up my arm. I smiled, my eyes lighting up a bit more. There was life there and I had created it in myself by letting the pain out with every drop of blood that had seeped from my skin. I had found an escape.
"Fuck you Edward!" I said to the mirror smiling when all I felt was the stinging sensation in my arm instead of the constant debilitating hole in my chest. Making sure I cleaned all of the bloody mess I made, and wrapping the blades in toilet paper I hid them in my room for later use. Then I walked down the stairs to make some homemade chicken noodles for my sick father.
The next day at school was better I sat with my friends listening to the casual laughs among them. And of course the glares and looks of disgust from Lauren and Jessica, then I sat in biology looking at the seat which once belonged to the man I loved or thought I loved. I didn't know anymore. school seemed to drag along like a sloth trying to climb a tree. The window outside showing the wet parking lot where I set my eyes to his spot that laid untouched for months. The hole began to quiver with electric pain the veil that covered it yesterday was vanishing again. Raising my hand, "Yes Miss Swan?" I noticed the entire class turn to me as I clutched my chest with one arm the other still raised. Slowly I lowered it along with my eyes afraid someone would see or notice what I did. "Restroom" I replied quietly. Mr molina nodded.
Getting up quickly but carefully I grabbed my bag and headed towards the restroom. With a sigh I realized it was empty and I grabbed the scalpel I had just stolen from science class, out of my backpack before grabbing paper towel and locking myself in a stall. Dropping my bag to the floor I shut the toilet lid sitting criss cross and removing my hoodie. On one arm I could see the faint line of blood that had managed to seep through the bandage. Sighing I turned the scalpel to the other arm. I couldn't do like yesterday because I didn't want caught so I placed the paper towel in my lap laying my untouched arm across it and made 3 quick but small (about an inch each) lines across my lower arm but keeping away from the main vein I saw clearly in my wrist. The blood started painting the white skin of my arm as it rolled down the side and onto the paper towel. Taking a deep breath I let it all out with the stinging pain I closed my eyes daring to think of them. "Bella stop this love!" my Edward illusion broke through my concentration. I looked up into his tragically heartbroken face and smiled at him. "You did this to me!" I said deciding to emphasize it with yet another cut but this time dramatically digging the scalpel in deep but not dragging it far. The pain was like fire in my arm causing the nerves to twitch in my hand. Edward placed his hand over the blade as if wanting to desperately destroy the piece of plastic and metal. "please bella stop this!" he begged. Shaking my head I lifted the blade splattering a little blood causing me to freak out as it landed on the stall and the floor. "Just go away!" I demanded.
Edward vanished as I heard footsteps and giggling great! It was Lauren and Jessica. I quickly wrapped the paper towel around my arm noticing how badly it hurt especially where I had dug the scalpel in, I could feel blood still pooling soaking the paper towel. Shit! Cleaning up quickly and putting my hoodie on over the paper towel I grabbed everything and flushed the evidence before stepping out of the stall and into the brightly lit girls room. Lauren and Jessica quickly stopped ogling themselves in the mirror to look over at me. I stopped like a deer frozen in the headlights. "Oh look it's bella" Jess my once good friend said with malice. "What's with the baggy black hoodie belly boo?" Lauren sneered. "Trying to look as emo as that blond cullen kid?" I just looked blankly at them their words couldn't hurt me. Not now. "She probably put out to Edward and he realized how pathetic she was" Jess laughed at Lauren's burn. The hole in my chest tingled. But more so with anger I was tired of them. I knew I wasn't enough for him, but it still hurt hearing that everyone else saw it too. "If only he had gotten with me, guarantee I could have kept him" Jess said with a mean smile. "Besides," she went on looking at me with disgust. "Bella perfers old bikers now, isn't that right?" she sneered referring to our trip to the movies and me being an 'Adrenaline junkie'
"Who were you talking to?" jess asked meanly as if I was crazy. Who knows. Maybe I am now. "Probably herself since nobody else will be her friend" Lauren giggled. I wasn't going to listen to it I just pushed past them and walked out deciding to just skip the rest of the day and headed to my car. I couldn't do this today. Although I felt better after cutting, I could feel the soaked paper towel and realized the blood was seeping through my hoodie sleeve thank God I had chosen black today.
Revving my truck to life I let the monster growl as I peeled out of the school parking lot deciding to head to the one place I never thought I would return to. The Cullen mansion. If I was going to end it all then might as well go out with a bang in the one place It all should have ended.
Sooooo what do yall think? My 15 year old and I wrote this together. May just leave it here or I can continue and add more to it? Let me know in the comments and favorite please if you really like it.
Much love from mama Trinity and my amazing talented daughter Lexi