So, I've found that I like to start too much stuff and then not want to continue it.

I was wondering if you'd all hate me too much if I was to drop The Topping Files. It's just that I'm not really into LxLight right now, for some reason I'm stuck on MattxMello and can't seem to think much of anything else.

I'm sorry if you all are reading Bits and Bites cause I said there'd be LxL but it seems my brain won't let me write for them...

I promise there will still be the odd fic with them, because I know all too well how ideas can sorta pop up out of no where, but I think it will mostly be MattxMello now because they are the ones overflowing from my brain.

Sorry if this is any inconvenience to people, I just wanted to let you know where I stand right now.

Now, onto the good part. Along with bad news, I have to give some good news, which is that I wrote you another fic :P

Written around a quote by Neil Gaiman (the italicized lines)

Genre: Romance/Angst/Tragedy

Characters: Matt POV, Mello

I lay silently against the cold metal, trying to hold onto the memory of Mello. His strong back, his golden halo of hair, his intense gray-blue stare, the tense sinewy muscles of his arms, the sexy leather outfit he wore...

Have you ever been in love?

My fingers ache to touch him, but I can't. Can't see him, can't touch him, can't even move.

Horrible isn't it?

Every word, every action, everything that Mello does, affects me; whether I like it or not. He's Mello, and I'm Mello's Matt, it's how it's always been, and how it always will be.

It makes you so vulnerable.

My feelings for him have changed who I thought I was, who I thought I'd become. My actions are not solely my own anymore, they are based on what Mello wants, what he needs.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

Back when I first arrived at Whammy's I was my own person; I was solitary, but content. Then Mello entered the scene...

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

I was watching from my bedroom window when the limo pulled up and the blonde got out. From that moment I knew I wanted to be his friend. The aura around him just pulled me to him, I couldn't resist.

You give them a piece of you.

I went to Roger as fast as possible, and asked for Mello to be my roommate; even though it went against every other time I had begged not to have one.

They didn't ask for it.

I waited in my room quietly for the moment of truth, and the second he walked into the room and saw me, he showed me his soon-to-be-signature smirk, and I knew things would change.

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

When we had gotten older I understood more about myself, and I knew that no matter what happened, I would follow Mello to the ends of the Earth. I loved him too much to be away from him; I was a captive of my own feelings.

Love takes hostages.

I realized I was too far gone, the night he left. 'You'll always be my friend', he had said, making it so painfully obvious that I wasn't allowed to come with. I wasn't needed enough to bring along for the adventure. I couldn't stop the tears that flowed from my eyes; forcing me to remove the goggles that I so desperately wanted to hide behind.

It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

Despite all the pain I was in because of his leaving, I still loved him. And because of that, years later, when he called me to come back to him, I did. I dropped everything and rushed to his side, back to the same painful longing that just wouldn't go away.

It hurts.

Every scenario that I could have dreamed of, never came true. Not once did my fantasies come alive. Not once was I swept off my feet like I wished I would be.

Not just in the imagination.

My thoughts don't dwell on me anymore; they are all about him. Every thought from every second of every day; it's all Mello. My mind doesn't belong to me, it's just an extension of his brain; the sober second thought.

Not just in the mind.

A constant throbbing ache resides in my chest; threatening to rip apart the very threads of my humanity. Wanting something with your entire being, but not being able to have it – it's unbearable. Almost like having withdrawal from a serious addiction, but never having been addicted to it in the first place – it's maddening.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

It's not my fault that I'm here right now, on the brink of nothingness. My love for Mello forced me into a situation that I knew I may not survive. I can't hate Mello – no, I can never hate him. But I can hate my feelings; I can hate the cause of all of this.

Love.

Now, as my life blood flows out of my veins from numerous bullet holes, I feel as though the pain is slowly seeping away.

And so am I.

I hate love.

R&R What did you think?