Chapter 4

He's not stupid, yeah he makes mistakes, but he is capable of doing the right thing sometimes! After all, he has been doing the right thing for months. Jackson is just like everyone else in his life, they think he doesn't know what he wants, what is best for himself. They tell him what to do, like his mum constantly nagging him to leave Jackson, saying it will be better now than in the long run, like she knows what will happen in the future, nothing is inevitable! Or when Jackson himself makes decisions for him, ordering him out of the house to have fun, what was fucking fun? He'd never really known the meaning of the word, it had been months, if not ever since he had had a good time. He was tired of being treated like he was useless, he has feeling's too you know? He's real with arms and legs, so he can walk away, or stay with Jackson forever and some more, he knows the difference between right and wrong!

But, the truth is...everyone else is right, they always are.

Was he naive to think him and Jackson could have had it all?

He loves Jackson, he really, really loves him. It overwhelms him sometimes, the lengths he would go to, to make him whole again. All he wants to do is make him happy, that's all he wants.

But he's not. Jackson is not happy, and neither is he. And he knows, he has been feeling hollow for way too long.

Because what they have, is not enough. Aaron loves Jackson with all his heart, but it's not enough to keep away the cold he constantly feels. This problem is weighing him down, he doesn't know how to get out of this, he loses whichever way he turns...

Aaron stormed from Bar West disoriented, he imagined what it would have been like to sleep with Liam, and he knew just how perfect it would have been! His pain would have been numbed for a while, hours and hours if he had his wicked way. So why didn't he go through with it? People already know he's scum, it's not possible for

them to hate him anymore than they already do! Hell, Aaron couldn't despise himself more if he tried, he had nothing to lose, he was defeated a long time ago.

But there was a voice inside his head, a voice he hates. A voice that sends alarm bells through his entire body and makes him want to punch something!

But the voice is desperate, pleading with him, begging him to listen, to understand. And as much as he tries not to hear, the voice in his head is talking so loud, so clear.

"Just hold on Aaron, just hold on, it could be any day now, you'll see, Jackson will start smiling again.

Please Aaron, please, just hold on".

The voice belonged to Hazel. She still drove him around the bend more often than not, but they shared something, they shared their grief for Jackson, who seemed to be dying inside more and more with each passing day, and neither could do a thing to stop it. It was like witnessing a car accident and not being able to do anything to save the passengers.

Every time Aaron wants to do something reckless, any time he wants to walk away or, like tonight, do something he knows he will regret, Hazel's voice rings clear.

And although Aaron does feel guilt and an 'honourable obligation' to stay with Jackson, he can't hurt him, he can't hurt Jackson the way Jackson is crucifying him by pushing him away. Deep down he knows he wants to hold on, for the man who brought him to life, the man who helped him to understand that what he feels for other men is nothing to be ashamed of.

The problem is, the man he is holding on for isn't real anymore, he no longer exists.

Aaron is in love with a stranger.

And he's been feeling sick for what feels like forever because of it.

Aaron rests his body against the bus shelter, tears are streaming down his face. Every thought inside his head is torn, because everything he does for Jackson just comes undone, his life is torn apart and there is nothing he can do to change it, and that's the hardest part. It's time to face the truth, his life is a lie, the real Jackson is gone and he is never coming back. It's time to let him go...he needs to end this relationship which is not and never will be real.

...

The bus stopped at Emmerdale, Aaron hesitated upon getting off, a feeling of dread washing over him. This wasn't what he wanted, but it's what he needed, he accepted that Jackson no longer existed, well, the Jackson he once knew, and he had to break free to do what he wanted, to do as he pleased, without him. He just hadn't figured out exactly what he would do once he was untied from Jackson's side.

Walking slowly towards Dale Head now, he reached for the door handle, until he decided to have a quick smoke first, fooling himself into believing it would calm his nerves, an unlimited amount of inhaling nicotine would never stop his legs from shaking, his heart from hurting.

He had to try, he had to give himself a chance, his selfless actions of putting Jackson first had fallen on deaths door. He can't fix what is already broken, he had to face facts...Jackson is beyond repair.

Stubbing out his cigarette, he took one last breathe, knowing this breathe will be held for a long time, before opening the door.

What he was met with shocked him completely, it pretty much knocked him off his feet!

Jackson was sitting up in his bed, and when he saw the door open and realised it was Aaron...he smiled. He was actually smiling at him.

Aaron couldn't believe it, he is being greeted with a smile, which is finally reaching Jackson's eyes. It isn't forced, or contrived, it's real, Jackson looks real! Aaron couldn't help but smile back, he feels as if he has waited his whole life for Jackson to do this.

But Aaron had one huge dilemma, what does he do now?