Chapter 5

Jackson was alone in the dark, Hazel went to bed hours ago, having been worn out listening to Pearl going on about how painful her piles are again!

So he just lay there, not as if he could do much else. Passing the time by listening out for cars, counting how many go past, and comparing them to how many he heard the previous night. God, this was killing him, and he couldn't even feel it.

What had he become? Going off at everyone who loves him, but he can't help it, he simply can't, he's powerless to stop it. He can't allow them to rot with him, they don't have to do this, they have a way out, why won't they walk away and leave him to die in his sleep? It's what he wants, It's the only way.

When Aaron comes back, which he knows he will, Jackson will put the final nail into the coffin. He needs to bury what pieces are holding together their lifeless relationship for good.

Jackson's finished now, he's done. There's nothing left of him, nothing that's useful anyway, he hates what he's become. And he planned on distancing himself from everyone, from it all. He'd thought long and hard about this, and after realising ending his life would never happen and knowing he would never accept the man he is now. He decided he would end the misery he was unnecessarily spreading to the people he loved.

He was going to spend the rest of his days in a nursing home, being cared for by strangers and surrounded by other broken people. He would sit all day looking out of the window, thinking of the life that should have been.

Because the life that was so cruelly taken away, was meant for him.

Jackson felt the tears sting his eyes, but he couldn't hide his amusement when he looked down and caught sight of what his mum had dressed him in.

He was wearing his favourite red checked shirt, Aaron's favourite too. A watery smile broke out onto his face, that mother of his, what was she playing at? He thought teasingly.

Before he knew it, Jackson lost himself in memories of meeting Aaron for the first time, wearing this very shirt. Thinking about all the broken things that threatened to destroy what they had, but never did. It only made them stronger, made them love each other even more. Everyone around them said they wouldn't, couldn't last! But they paid no attention, because what they had was fucking real, no matter what people thought and said. Being together was like, the stuff that dreams are made of, laughing and giving harmless banter to one another, was what made them work, they thrived upon it.

They proved them all wrong, because people never knew the way they were feeling, ok yeah, they had their ups and more often than not they had their downs, but it was real...it was them.

Jackson heard the door open, and saw him walking through it, he couldn't help it, for the first time in months, he was letting go, giving in to his heart, which was still beating for his teenage boyfriend, he was smiling, and it was real.

"Hi" Jackson spoke tentatively, still remembering they parted on an argument.

"Alright?"

Aaron's smile grew wider when he realised the shirt Jackson was wearing, it held so many happy memories for both of them.

"You're smiling" Aaron said, it wasn't a question, it was a fact, a fact he was still trying to get his head around.

"Yeah, how about that, who knew?" Jackson joked, his eyes lighting up in the process.

'Why are you smiling you div' Jackson thought, kicking himself 'this is not how I planned to end things with him!'

"Where did you get to?" Jackson asked, trying to calm his moment of madness.

"I erm, went for a drink" Aaron answered honestly, trying to figure out if it best to tell him about Liam.

"Where?" He knew Aaron like the back of his dead hand.

"Bar West"

"What was his name?" Jackson asked casually.

"What?" Aaron asked, unable to believe how easy he is to read, and feeling a little apprehensive about telling him the truth. But he decided keeping secrets is overrated, they never brought him any closer to happiness in the past, and besides, he can never lie to Jackson.

"Liam...don't know his second name. My age, tall, short black hair, blue eyes, clean shaven, deep Yorkshire accent. But couldn't tell you anything about him, wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying".

"I'm not surprised, bet you were too busy gorping at him by the way you remembered everything about how he looked" Jackson joked feebly, Aaron could see the hurt shoot across his eyes a mile off.

"Nothing happened...I wanted it to, I wanted it to so badly" Aaron whispered regretfully.

Jackson gulped slowly, praying to god that Aaron doesn't hear his erratic heartbeat, trying to escape through his chest, before asking the question as neutral as he possibly could...

"Why didn't you?"

Aaron looked towards the floor before answering, breathing in and out deeply, before leaving himself open and vulnerable.

"Because...because I realised, the only man I want to touch me, the only man I want to touch and feel amazing with, is you" he whispered gently, his own words, echoing in his head, over and over.

He saw the relief momentarily fleet across Jackson's face, a hint of a smile playing on his triumphant lips.

Jackson was killing inside, Aaron was too precious to give away, but he was too valuable to keep. He couldn't hold onto him, could he?

Jackson was too helpless to stroke his face, to touch him, like Aaron so desperately wants him to. All he could do was to opt for humour, to try to make Aaron, his whole world feel just a little bit better.

"You big saddo, I knew you always loved me more than Steven Gerrard"

Aaron couldn't help but laugh, he watched as Jackson chuckled lightly too, smiling his head off, who was this man and what has he done with Jackson Walsh!

Suddenly Aaron realised, this was Jackson, his Jackson. The man he thought was gone, the man he thought he had lost him forever, but he has been here this whole time, he never left, he was just lost under all the hurt and sadness.

Things haven't been perfect for a long time, but now he is here again, he is here with him, the real him.

Looking into his eyes now, the warmth returning to them, making them shine for all they are worth. He can't go. Not now, there a team, they always were.

Gazing at him, makes him realise he has found everything, he thought he had lost forever. He can make this work, he can and he will!

Before Jackson knew it, Aaron stepped closer to him, they were now just a breath away from the other. Jackson can't think, all he can do is wait patiently until he feels Aaron's lips on his. He would never be able to feel Aaron's touches on his body again, but he would always feel him, on the inside.

He finally felt him, his soft, gentle lips on his. Moving so slow, so tentatively, It felt incredible. It felt as though the sensation was heightened, due to him not being able to feel from the neck down.

But with all the strength that was left in him, he pulled away. He had to do this, he had to save the people he loved, they can't go under with him.

Aaron looked at him confused "What are you doing?"

Jackson forced the threatening tears back into his skull "The kiss was goodbye.

I'm leaving Aaron, I'm going to a care home...

I'm setting you free"