Chapter 7
He's decided he is never gonna leave this bed!
But to be honest, it's not like he can walk anywhere. He doesn't even have the strength to turn his head away from the door. There never going to walk through it, Aaron will never come here, no one knows where he is for starters!
But it won't be hard to find him, he's in the nearest care home to Emmerdale...
Well, he got the window view he wanted, overlooking the garden. It was a nice little room. Plasma TV on the wall, minimal decoration, a vase of flowers on the side table next to his bed, what more could he want? What more could he need now? Because after all, he's never gonna leave this bed, it's the only thing that's his, he's got to take what he can get now.
As Jackson looked out of the window, at the heat, mist, sleet, snow or whatever the hell was out there, he felt a prang of satisfaction, in a weird, twisted way. He had taken everything he had, everything he had left and gave it all away, freeing them from the shackles of his life and leaving them in bits.
But unlike him, they can rebuild their lives, time will heal their scars. He can't even feel his wounds!
Just as he was about to try and begin to settle within his new surroundings, a woman came to drag him away from his window.
"Hey Jackson, it's dinner time, come and meet some of the other residents" carer Katie chirped, pushing his chair in the direction of the dining room.
She was pushing him away, without his consent, he supposed he would have to get used to that. He didn't have the strength to resist or control it, he couldn't. So he let her take him.
The sight in the dining room knocked him for six, if he was real with legs, he would have fallen down, crippled in pain. But no, he was just crippled, only hurting in his head.
The large table, occupied by other less able bodies. Some being fed, some having their faces cleaned, others not knowing what time of day it was. This was him now, this was his life.
He desperately clung on to the tears trying to form in the back of his skull. Why does he deserve this? Has he done something wrong to justify this?
Has god done this? Because someone's to blame! Someone has taken away everything he had and he would do anything, to get it all back.
"Ok Jackson, let's get you settled, there you go. Right, I'll just go and get your dinner" Katie politely spoke.
Jackson waited, crumbling under the gaze of the empty, vacant faces staring at him from around the table. His confidence and self assurance long gone, they left him a long time ago.
But in those stare's, he could see, he could see the understanding, the mirroring reflection of his own. They were aliens, like him, unable to let the outside world in because they couldn't understand the wall keeping them apart, the outside world couldn't see it. Not being able to reach out and touch the one's you love, it's so lonely... and it's for life.
'It looks like my Bar West days are over' Jackson thought jokingly, bitterly, just before Katie came back with his food in her hand.
"I hope you're hungry Jackson" Katie smiled.
"Starving" he lied.
He ate his food in silence, letting the stranger feed him.
...
He sat by his bedroom window, looking at the hail, rain, thunder, fog or whatever the hell was out there. Trying his best to block out the voice, shouting so loud, hurting his head, until he could take no more.
"It's what he wants, there's nothing I can do now, if he wants to spend his life there then I can't do anything" Aaron snapped, he just wants to be left on his own!
"He doesn't know what he wants, he's confused, he thinks this is what's best for us. it's not, he belongs with us, Aaron please, don't give up on him now, please don't let him do this, you're the only one he will listen to" Hazel pleaded shamelessly.
"HE DOESNT LISTEN TO ME, I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO THIS, AND OH LOOK, HE'S GONE AND FUCKING DONE IT!
I CAN'T HELP HIM NOW" Aaron shouted angrily, wanting desperately to chuck her out of his room.
"If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was you who was stuck in a wheelchair he would never give up on you, he would find where you are and not leave until you came home with him!" Hazel shot back.
"Oh yeah, saint Jackson, saint Jackson who never puts a foot wrong, says and does the right thing all the time. I was always shit compared to him"
"Yeah, you was, you are, you're nothing compared to Jackson" Hazel spat, seething with rage.
"Oh I know, you don't need to tell me, Jackson is incredible, forgiving me after everything I've done, standing him up on what was supposed to be our first date, hitting him in the middle of a crowded pub, humiliating him by never holding his hand in public, always putting up with my foul moods, and best of all, he doesn't even blame me for ending his life, I'm the reason he's trapped in that chair!" Aaron said violently.
"I DONT KNOW WHAT HE SEES IN YOU, ALL I SEE IS A DAMAGED BOY WHO WILL NEVER ACCEPT THE TRUTH...NOBODY WANTS YOU, YOUR MUM NEVER DID, YOUR DAD HATES YOUR GUTS, BUT NO ONE DESPISES YOU MORE THAN I DO RIGHT NOW.
JACKSON PROBABLY JUST FEELS SORRY FOR YOU, AND HE'S CONFUSING IT WITH LOVE. JACKSON IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU, HE'S TOO PERFECT FOR YOU" Hazel now shaking with sheer resentment at the man in front of her.
"WELL HE'S NOT PERFECT ANYMORE IS HE?" Aaron screamed at the top of his lungs.
The sound of Hazel's hand slapping against Aaron's face reverberated around his room.
Bringing them both back down into reality. What had they just said? What had Hazel just done?
Aaron couldn't stop the tears coursing down his cheeks.
"Aaron I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my god, what have I done? Please forgive me, please...this wasn't meant to happen, Jackson will kill me, oh my god Aaron" Hazel sobbed uncontrollably.
Hazel wrapped Aaron in an unbreakable embrace, but Aaron just stood still, letting the encounter wash over him.
He was too busy lost in his thoughts, thinking about all the words he had just said.
He didn't mean them. He loved him, he loved every part of him, no matter what everyone else thinks. He was just lashing out, as yet again Jackson was making decision for him! But he knew Jackson was just trying to put him first.
Was Jackson ever going to let him in and allow him to be there? Jackson just kept pushing him, and Aaron doesn't know if he has the strength anymore to resist him. He feels too tired to be fighting, it's all he's done all his life, fighting with other people, fighting with himself...he needs time to think things through.
...
It was 22:00, and Hazel had left him alone in his room, finally, about 4 hours ago. And all Aaron has done is think.
And the conclusion he has come to is...
He never wants to leave this bed.
He feels safe with his eyes closed, no one can hurt him here. But he supposes that it's a little too late for that, he's hurting so bad.
But he has to move... because he has got to find him, he's got to get him back.
The truth is, the only thing he is certain of anymore is that he would give everything he has away, to get him home... and to make him happy.