Chapter 10

He's not in there!

For fucks sake, which room is he in?

Aaron retreated from the room quickly, but he had to stop.

He had no choice but to back himself against the wall, they were coming, just a few steps away from him now.

"Calm down lad" One of the security guards said as they approached him, they can see it in his eyes how desperate he is, his heart thumping through his chest, he is breathless, he couldn't control his breathing, panic was written all over his face, he can't leave, he can't leave without seeing him, without bringing him home!

Aaron didn't like this, he didn't like being crowded, he never has, he needs his space. When his back's against the wall, it's in his DNA, to show no fear at all. To fight with everything he has, it's all he's done, all his life, fight his corner. It's not like anyone else has.

Well, Paddy did.

And one other person.

This person never gave up on him, even though he has given up on himself.

They all told him to give up on him to, his mum, Cain, even Paddy!

No one even bothered to ask him what he wanted.

Well, he's about to go and get it, or die trying, because he's not going down without a fight.

Aaron leant away from the wall, taking his hands from around his back and clenched them into fists.

He was ready, he was just about to catch one of them off guard, when he heard him calling his name, with so much concern lacing his tone.

"Aaron?"

Aaron searched for him immediately, but the distraction allowed security to take advantage and restrain him powerfully.

"No, no I need to see him, let me go, I need to see him! Jackson!

Please...Jay please" he pleaded, too far gone, too lost in his mission to make him listen to care about the crowd of people now watching him, watching him being thrown off the premises.

"Wait" Jackson shouted just as he witnessed Aaron being dragged around the corner.

Security hesitantly trudged back a few steps, to see if they had heard their resident correctly.

Jackson looked at him, really looked at him, he could see this whole situation had taken it's toll on the younger man. His eyes black from tiredness, his brow creased in confusion, hurt sadness. Aaron recently, looked old, much older than his years. All because of him.

Was this even more justification that him staying away from Aaron was the right thing to do?

He didn't know, he honestly is struggling to make sense and understand all of this!

But looking at him now, he couldn't send him away, not like this.

"I want to hear what he has to say" Jackson said, instantly seeing Aarons eyes light up with, hope maybe, he didn't know. But it sure as hell felt good to see the younger man smiling.

...

20 minutes and various false starts later, they were alone in his room together. It took Jackson a while to convince his carers that although he said he never wanted Aaron within a 50 yard radius of him... he needed to see him, hear him, just one last time.

Aaron was staring out of the window, sat down in a cold hard chair watching the setting sun, he could only hope that this does not set the scene of things to come. He couldn't look at him, not now, not now he had no idea what was about to be said, he was too scared.

But here he goes, here goes nothing, nothing but words, it's all he has. He just wished he was articulate, because nothing he says ever comes out right.

But he's just got to let it all out...

"Of all your wicked schemes to get me away from you, each one you've done going from bad to worse and taking it to new extremes, making us say evil things to each other, things we don't even mean, taking me by surprise each and every single time, but looking back I don't know why...this has got to be the worst"

Jackson was watching him, staring at his back, what could he say? Was it too late to make this alright? All these questions going around in his head, he couldn't even answer his own questions. God knows how he will be able answer Aaron's and explain himself to him this time.

It's all just one big mess that seems to be never ending, it can't end. Happy endings only happen in the movies.

"So, what's this place like then?" Aaron asked distantly, turning in his chair to face him.

"It's ok" Jackson lied "It's a nice room as you can see, everybody's nice and friendly, they've all made me feel really welcome" the crap just rolled off his tongue so easily, it surprised him how comfortable he was at doing it, these past few months have made him an expert!

But it scared him, it really, really scared him. He hated lies, hated them and yet it's all he did these days, lying to the people he loved, himself even! He was just one great fucking lie, and from what he could tell...it was just making things worse.

"Liar" Aaron stated coldly, he was getting tired of this.

"What?" Jackson asked as innocently as possible, it was as if the younger man had read his mind. Was it really worth it? Because he could tell Aaron was far from convinced.

Aaron rested his back into the chair, crossing his arms in the process, trying to get as comfortable as he possibly could "You forget Jackson, I practically walk on your wave length, you said it yourself, we're polar opposites...but we get each other, we just connect.

And I always know when you're lying" he stated as calmly as his teenage pent up frustration would allow "It's something you've been doing a lot lately" Aaron added as an afterthought.

"Well I can't tell you the truth" Jackson said instinctively, although he instantly regretted it, it was like there was something out there that was pushing him into saying out loud how he really feels, what he really wants. It's just he is fighting with all his might to stop it from getting out!

Aaron was on his feet before he could even know what to say, making his way over to him.

"Jackson I..."

"No, no get back, get back over to the window, don't crowd me!" Jackson shouted quickly, he hated the hurt look in his eyes, he hated even more his retreating steps back to the chair. But he needs to think, having Aaron in his face, his broken blue eyes staring into his would not help his already shallow breathing.

Jackson closed his eyes, wanting more than anything for this whole thing to pass him by, to ignore every warning sign possible telling him that what he was doing was plain wrong. No, the thing he really wanted more than anything was to be free of this chair, everything he needed was sitting across the room. But he couldn't have either.

"Why don't you just tell me the truth, what's going on in your head?" Aaron asked gently, hoping to encourage him to open up.

Everyone thought it was Aaron who was the unreasonable one, the stubborn one. Well, he was proving them all wrong now, he was showing everyone how imperfect he truly is.

"You wanna know?" Jackson asked angrily, not waiting for Aaron to respond "Well here it is...you tell me you can't lie to me, so answer me this, why love someone forever...when you can love them for a few hours then move onto the next one? You came so close – Literally, to having it off with someone else, what makes you think you won't actually go all the way next time?"

Jackson watched Aaron cast his eyes down, unable to maintain eye contact.

Aaron began to think erratically, thinking of something, anything to convince him he wouldn't. How could he answer him?

But Jackson knew, Aaron can't.

He really was showing him how cruel he could be.

Except he wasn't, he wasn't cruel. He was desperate. The world has got him all wrong, because he is desperate to keep the hurt to himself, he doesn't want to, he can't allow himself to spread it!

The silence broke Jackson's heart. It was like a blade into his temple, hurting his head, the only place the pain can come.

Jackson was looking at him, it was too late to keep the hurt to himself, it had already spread! It had spread to the place where he never wanted it to go. The pain was in Aaron too.

"What do you see when you look at me?" Jackson whispered.

This question pulled Aaron out of his daze, he looked up immediately, only it was Jackson's turn to look down.

"I see you, I see the man you've always been, the man you were all along.

But you're sad, you're so sad and unhappy now"

Jackson let the tear slip down his cheek, he was too worn down to try and control it.

"I want to make you smile, ano I can do it, ano I can make you happy.

But only if you let me, only if you let me in" Aaron whispered, his tone laced with such meaning, pleading with him to listen.

"I can't do anything, we can't do anything, my arms and legs don't work anymore. We can't ever stroll on the beach like we did on holiday, we can never sleep together...I can never hold your hand.

You don't get it, you can't ever get it...I'm lonely, I'm lonely and I'm so tired, I'm so tired it's unreal, my head just won't shut up" Jackson sobbed.

Aaron wanted desperately to crouch in front of him, to look in his eyes and offer all the comfort he needs. But he couldn't, he knew Jackson would just tell him to stay away.

"Tell me what you want and I'll do it, I'll do anything Jay" the breath catching in the back of his throat, the breath containing all his fears, all the things that haunt him. He can feel him, slipping through his fingers.

Jackson decided the truth was all he had left to try, he had tried lying, and it just made him and everyone around him miserable.

His quivering lips from his sheer emotional breakdown spoke the honesty that has lay dormant in him for such a long time, letting out all the thoughts he has been saving...

"I want you to heal me, I want to feel your healing hands, I want your touch to bring me round and make me feel again"

Aaron let slip a gasp of pain from the depths of his heart. The tears now streaming down his face as his hands rub pointlessly over his head.

"I can't mate" He whispered, too low for Jackson to hear him, it was just for himself.

Aaron didn't care now if Jackson told him to stay back, he wasn't going to anymore, he had to do this, for himself and for the man crying out for comfort. He got up from his chair and made his way over to crouch in front of him. To his surprise, Jackson didn't send him away, he allowed Aaron to wipe the tears from his eyes so he can see.

Aaron stared into his eyes, before leaning forward and brushing his lips longingly to his forehead, eliciting the most delicate sigh of contentment from Jackson's mouth.

No words were needed, because words are just words, they can't make anything go away, they can't get them out this mess!

So Aaron stood up silently and went to stand behind him, softly, hesitantly placing his hands into his short, dark golden curls...and his fingers began working their magic, slowly massaging his head.

Both men couldn't stop the tears now flowing as they realised, this was as close as they could get to one another now, this was all there was and it had to be enough, it just had to be.

Jackson closed his eyes. letting Aaron take him and give him this bittersweet moment life has thrown at them, offering what small comfort he could. His fingertips helping to draw them to an unofficial unity.

But there was still a lot to talk about.