Chapter 11

It was making him feel better, he couldn't deny that. Sort of soothing in a way, his fingers playing softly in his hair. He always loved it during their passion sessions when Aaron would glide his grip into his short curls, tugging lightly, all the while gazing into him, holding his eyes...not likely to happen now, but the fond memory will always stay with him.

Aaron kissed the back of his head, his lips locking for a long drawn out breath as his hands untangled from his hair, signifying the end of their moment of happiness, contentment, before sitting back down near the window. He could have kept doing it forever! But he knew him and Jackson still had things to discuss, his mission is still incomplete. He can't keep running from the lies, the old Aaron could have, he could have done it for as long as possible. But not this Aaron, not this Aaron who knew what he wanted. Running just makes you tired, you never get anywhere, just around in circles. It doesn't solve your problems it just makes it harder for when you eventually have to face up to the facts that things are not perfect.

And things are not perfect and they will never be. He knew that, they both did. But in Aaron's mind, he could see how perfect they could be, it can't ever be as perfect as it would have been if Jackson never decided to play on the train tracks, but it could still be pretty great, cause they would be together.

No one has ever got Aaron like Jackson, he just...got him.

Aaron didn't know why he did, but he did.

I mean, he knew how he got him, like giving him his space when he's off on one, the way he can talk him down when he wants to do something stupid, or when he understands that when Aaron says something truly nasty and hurtful, Aaron himself will most likely be hurting more.

But he just didn't know why Jackson stuck around, and loved him. Jackson himself probably can't even work it out!

And he supposes he will never know, it will be one of life's great mysteries.

But he does have a burning question to ask him, a question that he has wanted to know the answer to for such a long time, since around the time of the accident.

But he is scared to say it, to say it out loud. Because It will make it real.

But today was about the truth, telling each other what's going on in their head's. He knew Jackson had opened up more than he ever wanted Aaron to know today, so he too was going to share his weaknesses, his fears...it's got to be done to heal to the distance between them, beginning at the start.

"Do you wish you never met me?" Aaron said, his voice barely above a whisper, but he knew he had heard him.

Jackson looked at him, his eyes taking in all the familiar lines on his face, like a map he had memorised time and time again, he knew him, all of him like the back of his lifeless hands.

"To be honest...not even on my dark days" Jackson spoke defiantly, revelling in seeing the younger man just showing a hint of a smile.

"I thought the last guy I was with before you, Marc, was love...

But then I met you, and now I realise that what I felt for him wasn't even close to love. You showed me, you showed me what it's like. And although there's a part of you that still thinks that it's impossible for someone to love you...you did let me, you let me love you, and for that I will never ever regret our first encounter, of me checking you out and building up the courage all night to ask you for a game of pool, even if you did run off" Jackson grinned teasingly, lovingly, his eyes lighting up his whole face, moments like these were few and far between, so Aaron took it all in, relishing it while it lasted.

Although what Jackson failed to mention was that it troubles him how much the doubt always creeps into the younger man's mind. Always discrediting everyone's love for him, and there is a lot of people who love the teen, Paddy, Adam, his mum, Cain...it was always in his nature to defend himself when he thinks he's under attack, but he always blurred the lines between someone controlling his life and them caring.

Jackson just wished he could have helped Aaron see that... guess he failed...

Aaron smiled as Jackson's words echoed in his head, he had always rejected any kind words Jackson had said to him in the beginning, and to be honest, he still does sometimes, not just with him, he struggles to accept it when his dad Paddy say's he loves him.

It's because he can't help feeling responsible for all that happens, well, just the bad things that do. He can't help feeling that danger follows him everywhere he goes. But he knows it is irrational and because all of the bad luck that he has had.

He made a conscious decision to put it down to life and stop being so hard on himself. Because he just couldn't think about himself anymore, he had to be the man Jackson needs him to be, he himself wants so desperately to be...he just hopes he can be.

That thought caught him, it caught his breath, caught at the back of his throat. Hiding his face behind his hands, he uncontrollably let go when the sobs came and wracked his body.

Jackson could only wait, he couldn't get to him, he would never be able to wrap himself around him and make it alright. Nor would he be able to stand in his arms, without falling at his feet!

"Aaron, talk to me?" Jackson urged him gently, feeling the stinging in his eyes as the tears filled them.

Aaron couldn't answer him, he was too consumed by the hurt, the hurt that was blurring the truth, he wanted someone to blame, because someone had took Jackson's life, they took him away!

Well, he wasn't going to let them, he was going to get as much of him as he possibly could back! And when he does, he will never let them take his world away from him ever again.

"Aaron please, talk to me?"

"You wanna know the truth, do ya?" frustration now coming to the surface "I wish you were a stranger, so I could disengage from you and please everyone, you, me mam, Paddy. Then it would make it easier for me to play the field, something you all think I'm missing out on.

You all think you know what's best for me, but you've not even taken into consideration or bothered to ask me what I want, how this all makes me feel!"

They descended into an uncomfortable silence, their minds racing, not even allowing them to think clearly. It's like it's just one obstacle after another with no in between, just washing through them and they don't have any time to react, to prepare for their next challenge. With every passing day it's gets harder and harder for them to rebuild even just a fraction of what they had.

"I miss you Jay, I miss us" Aaron soften

"All the times you kissed me for no other reason than you felt like it, the way you put your arms around me on cold nights, and I miss being, being in bed with you, touching you...I miss it so much.

And I'm scared, I'm scared that I won't be who you need me to be. I'm being pushed and pulled by so many people, My mum and Paddy say that we should just be mates, saying I'm too young to be with you, to handle all this, but before the accident they were telling me you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, nothing, nothing has changed, you still are the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Cain keeps telling me to stay with you, but just see other people behind your back!

But Adam, Adam just keeps telling me to think things through, to take my time and not rush into it, and do what feels right inside.

There are times when I feel I can't do it, that it's all too much and I just wanna stay in bed and not step foot outside the covers. Morning's are the worst, because when I wake up I sometimes forget what's happened and put my hand behind me, to search for you, then it hits me, it's like someone just takes my breath away when it all comes flooding back to me. And I close my eyes and vow never to leave this bed!

But then I see your face, I see you and suddenly, the haze is gone, I see who you really are, the person you have always been and I find the strength to leave my bed. Because despite what everyone wants me to do, what everyone keeps telling me to do... ano their wrong, your wrong.

I've tried moving on, remember Flynn?

It didn't feel right, it was wrong because he wasn't you" Aaron got up from the chair and walked across the room, crouching beside him, taking hold of his broken hand.

Aaron was about to speak when Jackson cut across him.

"You know...I've become what I despise, a casualty. There's nothing worse than being stared at, felt sorry for.

It's like I'm not a person, I'm a disease" Jackson forced out sadly.

"Don't say that, don't ever say that" Aaron said, disgusted at how little Jackson thinks of himself now, how insignificant he feels.

"You've lost your fight...you haven't lost your life, your still here. You can still live, we can still be happy...you've just got to let go and allow yourself, you need to try, no one else can do it for you" Aaron urged gently through teary eyes.

Jackson let out a slow, shaky breath, thinking things through in his head for a moment, before trying, actually trying for one last time, to give him the chance to run.

"I just feel I would be denying you love, denying someone the chance to love you properly, like you deserve and..."

"You love me, Jay that's it, that's all I need!

I know you would, put your arms around me, if you could, and, hold my hand whenever you wanted, ano you would.

But I'll always know you love me without you showing me, I'll always know" Aaron stated firmly, softly.

Was this it, was Jackson going to come up with every excuse under the sun for them not to be together forever?

Jackson was tired. The words in his head, every fibre in his body telling him this was wrong, it was plain wrong. But his heart said something else entirely.

The confusion, the forces and battles within him are taking their toll, the tears now sliding down his cheeks, it's all he does when he's alone, cry, now he gets to see, he gets to see how broken he truly is...and he's still here.

As the fighting within him comes to an end, the only thing that's left to feel is hollow.

And the thing is...he has been feeling hollow for way too long...

"It seems I can talk the walk, but I can't walk the talk, if you pardon the pun" Jackson joked feebly "I can never say no to you, you always have and always will have some sort of hold over me" Jackson closed his eyes, buying himself more thinking time, but it was no use because Aaron was right in front of him, all things logical can never be thought when he is this close. Leaving Aaron on the edge, he really needs to hear the rest of what Jackson was so close to saying...

Jackson couldn't hold on any longer, his resolve of what he thinks is the right thing is loosening, until...

It was gone, he's finally let it go.

The wall has shattered into a million pieces, there's nothing in their way now.

"Can" Jackson struggled to get the words out, the tears were now falling into his mouth "Can you take what's left of me...will it be enough?"

Aaron let go of his hand, and put both of his delicately onto the sides of Jackson's face.

"You'll always be enough" their eyes never leaving each others, as Aaron's lips moved closer, to touch his soft, swollen lips gently.

And Jackson let him, he let him kiss him and deepen the unity, allowing his tongue to roam his mouth.

But Jackson will never love, the way he loved Aaron.

Because everything that Emily said is under his skin, the truth is within him. Jackson knows this, he isn't stupid as he listened to her words echoing inside his head...

...'He will probably go.

You will never know when, and you will never know how, you may never even know why but you will let him go, and cherish all the time you spent together'.

Jackson has decided to be selfish for the moment, and selfless for when the inevitable time comes.

But will Aaron one day leave him? That is the million dollar question, one of which will be answered.

Jackson pulled away from the kiss, breathlessly panting for more, but he has been longing to say this...

"Take me home Aaron"

TBC in the story 'Closer to what you want?'