DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.
WONDERBOY:
Faggot. The word was so true. He was a dirty queer. Well, he must be. After all, he hadn't stopped him. He had still become hard from his touch. Remus must have wanted it. And he must have known that. That was why he chose him, wasn't it?
So Lucius knew what he was before even he did?
Lucius knew what Remus was.
How? How did he find out? Did that mean other people knew? Was he about to be expelled because everyone had found out? Were his nightmares turning into inevitable truths?
Remus slowed his breathing, quieting himself from the ears of his other roommates, his friends.
Friend.
That word was foreign to him now. Were they his friends? They didn't help him, stop it from happening. Friends helped each other out of messes, didn't they? Maybe it was him. Maybe he wasn't being a friend to them. He was being selfish, expecting them to come along and sort everything out for him. They were already risking Azkaban or disfigurement for him. Was that not enough for this selfish, unworthy werewolf?
Remus knew he wouldn't sleep. Actually, it was more he knew he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't allow himself to succumb to a state of semi-consciousness. He needed to be in control. If not, he knew where his mind would end up.
And so he continued questioning every inch of his worthless life, but not concluding anything.
How had he allowed this to happen? To that question he knew the answer; Remus Lupin is weak.
It was no surprise to him that he was still awake when the sun came up, and it was certainly no surprise that he felt like death. All night he had wondered about what he had done to deserve this sham of a life. What he had done to deserve that from him. He must have been asking for it, allowing his friends to become animagi for him, prancing around the school like he deserved his place in it. It was his entire fault. He knew that, just like it was his fault that all his muscles ached in preparation for tonight. That his head swam dangerously as he sat up in his lumpy bed. And his shoulders were tense and hunched.
Remus opened the red curtains and peered out into the silent dormitory. He could hear James muttering something incoherent in his sleep, but apart from that there wasn't much evidence for other life in the room. Remus knew he needed to get up, although his body protested enormously, otherwise the others would be up soon. He couldn't take their questioning stares. They were already suspicious. He had to sort himself out, he needed time before he faced them to get his act together and pull his face back into its usual state of emptiness, void of all emotion. But this was so much harder now. He didn't have the energy for it.
He certainly hadn't eaten in days, and strangely his stomach still felt full, as if it needed nothing to replenish it. It was the only part of him that felt full, everything else was empty. He wasn't worthy of feeling.
He rubbed his face vigorously with his hands and swung a foot out of his bed.
As quietly as was possible, Remus slipped off the bed and moved passed James' bed towards the bathroom. James grunted as he turned the knob of the bathroom door, and Remus froze, tense. James shuffled in his bed and a loud snore assured that he was still asleep. Remus let out the breath he'd been holding and moved silently into the bathroom.
In the shower, with the water running as hot as he could stand it, Remus felt his muscles relax comfortably. This was not the intention. So Remus turned the hot water off and left the cold water to run painfully over his shoulders and back. He was so exhausted that the icy water didn't even lighten his eyelids. After scrubbing himself all over twice, a ritual he had upheld since he was six, and then once more for reassurance, Remus stepped out of the shower and grabbed his towel immediately. He wanted to cover his scarred and maimed body from his own sight quickly.
Since he had been bitten, Remus always tried to scrub off the unsightly scars from his flesh, but it only resulted in his skin flaring up in an angry red and his scars becoming more pronounced. This never stopped him from doing it again, though. He saw it almost as a punishment for having incurred the scars in the first place. No one knew how much he hated his body, but it was his enemy. It was the thing that made him different from everybody else. And now it was being used as a faggot's toy, quite appropriate, really.
He dressed in the privacy of his curtains, as he always did, and made his way out of the dormitory having disturbed none of his friends' peaceful slumbers. He didn't even hesitate to stay in the common room; he wasn't trying to be found, he wanted to be alone.
By the edge of the Forest, Remus knelt down on his haunches, using his fingertips to balance himself. He looked into the dim woods and grunted. That was where he ought to be, where he belonged. Like the Dark beast everyone knew he really was. He thought of Lily, then. Lily knew, just like the Marauders. She knew what he was and she hadn't abandoned him.
But what did Lily know. Lily was one girl, a muggle-born. She hadn't grown up knowing how dangerous werewolves were. She had grown up believing they didn't exist. She'd grown up believing in fairytales, lucky thing.
Thinking about Lily made him want to tell her what had happened. If there were anyone he trusted not to judge him, it was Lily Evans.
Yes, there was Sirius and James, but he couldn't tell them. In his state of self-hatred, he believed that they would think he was gay. That he had asked for it. Hadn't he?
No matter what they would think, or Lily, he knew he wouldn't tell anyone. He just couldn't. Because then he really would have to face it. And that certainly didn't sound very appealing.
Remus fell forwards onto his knees and then began to crawl along the damp Forest floor. He stopped not too far in, and lay down on his stomach. He closed his eyes and breathed in the heavy scent of wet grass and leaves. It smelt so good. He wished he could just lie like this forever, with the cool dampness of the Forest bed gently soothing his sore chest and stomach. He let his head drop gently to rest on the dirt. He could sleep here, just for a little bit. There was still ages before first lesson.
Remus couldn't even remember what first lesson was. Maybe he should go to the common room and meet James and Sirius, and Peter, there. Or maybe he should just lie here, in the cool morning dew, with his eyes closed and his breathing relaxed. And his back exposed.
Remus jerked his head up suddenly, causing a muscle to snap in his neck. He pulled himself quickly off the dirty ground and swung around sharply. Nothing was there, of course, but still Remus was breathing hard. How could he be so stupid? If he kept this up then he definitely would be asking for trouble. He needed to stay awake, and he needed to stay aware.
He cursed at himself loudly then marched himself out of the Forest and back along the grounds, fiddling with his bruised knuckles. The dried blood had been washed away from the shower, but there was still evidence of his attack on the fourth floor East wall.
He needed to compose himself. He took a large breath and let it out slowly as he allowed every muscle in his face to relax into a look of calm serenity. A false look, but one his friends would surely be fooled enough to believe.
He kicked at each step as he ascended the stairs leading to the seventh floor, but when he reached the portrait he was able to politely state the password for the Fat Lady. She looked questioningly at him, clearly still wondering about the other night, but he ignored her again.
As he had hoped, James, Sirius and Peter were sat in the common room, looking expectantly at him. They had been waiting for him. He felt his stomach muscles clench painfully but walked over to them confidently.
"Morning all," he smiled at the three of them, who stared back at him, stunned.
"Ah, morning Moony," Sirius smiled hesitantly.
"Where were you at breakfast?" James quizzed him.
"Just took a walk, needed to clear my head," Remus replied nonchalantly.
"Right, well, we have Transfiguration first, you coming Moony?" Sirius asked.
"Of course, why wouldn't I?" Remus questioned with a good-natured half-smile.
"Well, you were missing in action yesterday," Sirius half mumbled, a little unsure of himself against Remus' new, cheerful façade.
"Yes, I felt ill, though it was probably just about tonight. I was in the Hospital Wing all day," Remus supplied. Then he motioned towards the portrait hole and grinned as he prompted, "Coming?"
His plan was working so far.
James and Sirius exchanged a look behind the retreating Remus: the Hospital Wing was the first place they had checked yesterday, and Remus certainly hadn't been there. James sighed with resignation and followed Peter and Remus out of the portrait hole, Sirius close behind him.
"You know Moony, he never likes to make a fuss. He hates to let us see him upset. Maybe he has just got himself over it," James suggested half-heartedly.
"Over what?" Sirius said.
"The break up, obviously," James gave him a look.
"James, I really don't think that's it." Now it was James' turn to be surprised by the use of his real name. He sighed.
"I know, Pads, I know."
James and Sirius were sat in their Friday afternoon Divination lesson, while Remus had Ancient Runes and Peter had a free lesson. They were whispering to each other whilst trying to avoid the Eye of their Divination professor, who was wandering around aimlessly, occasionally muttering a half-arsed attempt at a prediction.
Their attention was not on the state of their tarot cards, which were sitting still inside their pack, unused, and instead the two were musing on Remus' sudden upbeat turn around.
"He's still hiding something," Sirius said, fiddling with the card for The Hanged Man.
"Yes, something he clearly doesn't want us to know," James agreed.
"And clearly something that is upsetting him," Sirius added. James nodded, feeling lost as to how to help his friend. "Maybe we should talk to him."
James looked at Sirius, studying his face. Then he nodded again.
"I think, Mr. Padfoot, you may be right."
"But how are we going to get him to talk to us?" Sirius questioned rhetorically. James shrugged, and then ran a frustrated hand through his messy black locks. Sirius watched him for a while, not sure what to add and trying to think of something to say to Remus. James was now nodding his head gently and repeatedly, which was a good sign that he was thinking, too.
"We have to make it seem like we aren't talking about him, as he hates talking about himself," James finally spoke up. Sirius was about to respond when he saw Professor Elderberry walking idly towards them.
He quickly arranged the stack of tarot cards into some kind of order and began telling James about the unfortunate fact that he had a deformed big toe, as according to the Cards. Professor Elderberry nodded vaguely at him before continuing on her path around the musty classroom.
"Yeah, Moony is awkward like that," Sirius agreed, "how about we make out we are talking about, oh, I don't know, Peter?"
"Peter?" James repeated dumbly.
"Yeah, and how he took his break up with that girl from Hufflepuff really badly and –"
"How do we know he even broke up with a girl in the first place?" James interrupted.
"You said yourself he smelt of sex when he came in that night, and this all started from then," Sirius told him, frowning.
"Yeah, I guess," James sounded unconvinced, "and how exactly is Remus going to believe we are talking about Peter? Hello, he is Peter's friend, too!"
"Well he did break up with that Sappy Sara moron," Sirius started.
"Yes, and from what I can remember he wasn't all too bothered about it. Bounced back quickly enough. And anyway, that was ages ago!" James sighed with exasperation.
"Well, have you got any better ideas, Mr. Intelligent?" Sirius retorted, annoyed with his suggestion being so quickly shot down.
"No," James said quietly. "You know," he said after a while, "I think we ought to simply talk to him about it properly, like the mature men we are. It seems too serious to be playing games around it."
"Why does it have to be so hard?" Sirius sighed.
"I don't know, Pads, I don't know."
Not wanting to leave it too late, James and Sirius decided they would bring it up before the full moon rose that night, and quietly hoping Remus wouldn't get too worked up before his transformation. As lessons ended and everyone headed back to their respective Common Rooms, James and Sirius met up with him on his way to the library.
"Thought you'd be headed here, Moons," Sirius said loudly from behind Remus, causing him to jump. Remus prepared himself before turning around to greet his friends with the best lukewarm smile he could muster.
"I thought I'd get an early start on my Runes essay," Remus said.
"Yeah, that must be pretty gruelling," James nodded at him in an encouraging fashion. Come to think about it, Sirius was also acting oddly. The three of them were standing in the corridor leading to the library rather awkwardly. Remus frowned. They were up to something. He stated his suspicions, and then fiddled with his knuckle in wait for a reply.
"Oh no, not really, we were just – we wanted to –" James was floundering so Sirius took over.
"Listen, Moony, we know," Remus' head shot up so fast Sirius was surprised he didn't get whiplash.
"Know what?" Remus asked in a barely audible whisper.
"About the girl," Remus stared at Sirius blankly, but Sirius also noticed his shoulders relax, "you know, the Slytherin?"
"The what?" Remus looked very surprised, shocked even.
"Mate, we know you might not want to talk about it, but maybe it helps to get it off your chest. We're worried about you, Moons," James smiled encouragingly, placing a hand on Remus' shoulder, who immediately shrugged it off. If Sirius didn't know better, he'd have thought Remus had flinched at the contact.
"Am I supposed to know what you are rambling on about?" Remus asked softly.
"Look, we understand, being dumped isn't fun, but you're acting weird, Moony. You're not yourself and I don't even remember the last time I saw you eat a square meal," James told him. Sirius nodded, as if what James had said made complete sense.
"Prongs, have you been taking those little white squares that muggles use, because honestly they mess with your head," Remus told him in a mock-concerned tone. Sirius and James were a little surprised. Although Remus was skilled at hiding his emotions he really did seem to have no idea what they were talking about, at all. They exchanged quick looks before Sirius ploughed on. After all, they were used to Remus behaving like this, as if he didn't have any problems.
"You don't have to talk about it now, but mate, we are here for you. We always will be, Moons. Don't forget it," Sirius tugged on Remus' shoulder gently as he spoke to him. That Remus flinched again at such contact confirmed for Sirius that he hadn't been mistaken the first time, but he removed his hand quickly.
The two maintained eye contact until Remus' eyes slipped down to rest on his chin. Sirius sighed, seeing they were getting nowhere.
"Just know we love you, Moons; me, James, and Peter," Sirius said, restraining himself from hugging his stubbornly quiet friend. He'd have settled for patting him on the back, but gathered that Remus probably wouldn't appreciate that, either.
"James, Peter and I," Remus corrected, smiling slightly. Sirius grinned back at him warmly, conveying as much friendliness and love with his eyes as he could. Remus nodded and turned to head in the direction of the library, his scowling face hidden from their view.
James looked at Sirius, who shrugged, and they made their way to Gryffindor Tower slowly, the disappointment fresh in their walk.
Why? Why did they have to go and do that now? As if he hadn't enough to fucking deal with, they go and put more on his shoulders. Well, fuck them, Remus thought. He backtracked quickly, however, as remorse for his selfish thoughts overtook him.
It wasn't their fault; Sirius and James were just looking out for him. Like friends should. Friends he didn't deserve. He scowled again, this time at his own unworthiness and stormed into the library.
He hadn't planned on doing any work, as it happened. He just needed to be alone. He felt drained from the approaching full moon, without the added effort of pretending everything was absolutely fine. And apparently that had gone as swimmingly as he had initially thought it might. He cursed quietly into a bookshelf before throwing himself onto the floor in despair.
Back against the bookshelf, and knees bent to his chest, Remus was a pathetic sight to behold.
How was he supposed to keep this up? He knew he couldn't tell them; he was a burden enough on everybody, but in a way, a sick way, it would certainly make it slightly easier on him. Maybe these feelings of guilt, shame, hatred would lighten if he told someone. Or maybe they would turn on him once they found out he was a dirty queer. With a fierce resignation, Remus pulled himself up to stand and realised where he should go.
It had been a long time since Poppy Pomfrey had accompanied him to the Shack, so Remus could go at any time. Even five hours early.
Though he had never found himself fancying any of the girls his friends had taken an interest in, Remus had never thought he was gay, and it wasn't – certainly wasn't – as if he had enjoyed that night. But still, he had become hard so didn't that mean he was a queer? That must have said he was asking for it, didn't it?
His mind wandered dangerously close to remembering that night and his stomach lurched uncomfortably. He fell off the dirty, old bed and onto the dusty floor, on all fours. He felt ill. So ill. His stomach rotated inside itself, or that's how it felt. He could feel the bile rising and before he knew it, he'd thrown up what little he'd eaten in the last three days all over the wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack.
He had been used. He had been violated. As Lucius stated, he wasn't a virgin anymore. He was worthless scum. He shuddered violently and pulled back, away from the mess, dragging himself slowly onto the bed again. And then he cried. Heavy sobs racked his thin frame as he cursed and howled and gasped for air.
His drained body slowly slipped into a state of semi-consciousness as his sobbing became feebler. He was losing himself to sleep, and hadn't the energy to fight it. There were mere hours before the moon would rise, but Remus was lost to that fact as he slipped further into a dark, fitful slumber.
The frail body of Remus Lupin slumped delicately over the edge of the bed in the Shrieking Shack, his hand falling gracefully to the floor and landing in something unpleasant and sticky. Wet.