DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.
A WELL RESPECTED MAN:
Remus could taste the blood in his mouth, on his lips, as he opened his eyes nervously; he knew the scene that would befall them. But his eyes did not take in the bloodied bodies of his three friends, merely the red glow of his curtains.
He wondered briefly why his friends still cared enough to have taken him back to the dorm – the place they knew he preferred to wake as opposed to the heavily perfumed hospital wing – after the way he had acted the previous night?
Remus knew it would do little for him to dwell on that question. He breathed in heavily and pushed his aching body into a half-way sitting position. His elbows protested weakly to the weight on the exhausted joints but he ignored them.
It hadn't happened, yet. His nightmares were still only that, nothing more, or less. And he thanked any deity he could recall for it.
Remus knew he ought to get up. He knew if he didn't they would start to wonder. Wonder why he had been so wired this moon, compared to the past.
He knew he had, he remembered how he had felt as he changed, and that always indicated his behaviour in the moonlight.
Perhaps they hadn't noticed. Perhaps he was in the clear. Or perhaps he was being foolish to believe anything could be that easy for him. He couldn't get away with anything, and certainly not murder. Not even in his mind.
What was really centred in his mind was the why. Why? Why had he wanted to kill his best friends? Why had he nearly lost himself to the wolf?
What was wrong with him?
He had become the monster society had always deemed him. He was worthless.
He grabbed at his white bed sheets in desperation, trying to squeeze the thoughts out of his fingertips. He ground his teeth together, and then began gnashing like a savage. Savage. Yes, that was the new Remus.
He continued crashing his teeth together for a full minute, as they began to hurt to the point of tears. And the pain was what relaxed his tense shoulders.
Odd, was his thoughts, that he should find comfort in causing himself harm. But then, was that not what he did every month anyway? Perhaps it was simply that he had gotten used to it to the point that it was a comfort. Perhaps he was going mad.
Having had enough of his own depressing thoughts, however validated he felt in them, Remus did get up.
As he opened the red curtains he saw that he had once again slept passed his friends waking up. And they had known to leave him.
None of them remained in the dorm, and with this knowledge comforting him, Remus took himself off to the showers to once again scrub himself clean, and put on his 'happy face'.
It was putting immense strain on his sanity to keep this smile going. Sirius had just cracked another one of his 'McGoogles' jokes, which were supposed to be hilariously funny, and everyone else was rolling around on the floor with tears of laughter streaming down their rosy cheeks.
The sight made Remus want to retch, but his face remained in its impassive state, with an awkward smile just not quite convincingly placed on his pink lips.
No one had noticed yet, noticed the falsity of his cheery mood. No one had mentioned last night. No one had said anything at all, in fact. Not anything worth reporting, in any case.
But Remus knew he had to keep it up. Keep up the new Remus, the fun Remus, the carefree Remus that wouldn't hurt a fly, lest alone his three best friends.
That way no one would realise the transition he had taken to becoming the real new Remus, the killer, the monster.
James sat up straighter in his seat at the Gryffindor table. The voice of the headmaster thundered across the Great Hall.
"Ladies and Gentleman, and Sirius," Professor Dumbledore nodded in the direction of a very loud and all too uncensored Sirius Black. He continued once Sirius had quietened with a charming grin to the headmaster. James rolled his eyes.
"As you are all aware by now, there has been an incident involving the Willow tree in the grounds. May I remind everyone, as indeed we can see by Mr Gudgeon's plight; this tree is out of bounds for a reason. I cannot stress enough the dangers surrounding the Great Willow but to those who do not wish to heed my warning, at least remind yourselves that a boy is recovering in the Hospital Wing after nearly losing an eye this morning.
"Mr Gudgeon decided he would involve himself in a game where the goal was to get as close to the Willow as possible. We all know and understand the meaning behind the tree's pet name. Shall we have another incident like that of Mr Gudgeon or can I trust that you will use your intelligence next time not to take up an offer of such a foolhardy game?
"Right, with the nasties out of the way we can all enjoy our lunch in peace. Everybody, tuck in."
"Will they never learn?" James shook his head in mock admonishment as dinner appeared in its mountains in front of them.
"If only people knew why the tree was so dangerous," Sirius whispered mischievously. James saw Remus look up from his dinner at this statement.
"Could you imagine Snivvely's face?" Peter's chubby face lit up at the thought. Remus appeared to look at Peter, and then Sirius, in horror. James was taken aback by the look of fear in his eyes; surely Remus knew his secret was safe with them?
"Mate, you know they're only kidding," James laughed, but he stopped when he saw Remus' darkening expression. James looked to Sirius and Peter for support.
"The sod would certainly deserve it after today," Sirius' eyes flashed. Remus appeared to wince.
"And he bloody accused me of cheating on that test!" Peter cried indignantly, "it's not my flipping fault I understood something in Potions for once."
Sirius grinned and James snorted. Remus simply stared at Peter as if he had grown a third head.
He had been unusually perky since his late arrival to their second lesson this afternoon. But now, as James looked at Remus' terrified face, he seemed to be shrinking away again. James certainly couldn't have that.
"Sirius, Peter, please refrain from using such language at this table. You are hurting poor Moony's delicate ears," James attempted to make light of the situation.
Apparently his attempts were not up to standard as he watched Remus stand up from the table and move determinedly for the doors of the Great Hall.
"What's eating him?" Peter questioned with only slight curiosity.
"D'you reckon it had something to do with last night?" Sirius' own question was directed solely at James, who looked at him and shrugged. Who knew what was going on in Remus' head these days?
It wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. He knew that. He knew it wasn't possible, and yet, as he stood panting by the edge of the Forest, his heart believed it. His heart believed that they knew.
All he could do now was pretend. Pretend it never happened. Pretend he had never been used. Pretend he wasn't weak. Yes, he would be absolutely fine, and they would realise that, too, in time.
He just needed to forget his own worthlessness, and failure. He needed to forget so that he could exist.
'Now, how to get this nightmare out of my head?' Remus pondered. A nice stroll through the woods, or be it the Forbidden Forest, was his answer.
Life repeating dreams was normal, wasn't it?
"He is definitely taking this break-up harder than we thought," James shook his head sadly. Sirius, sat on the bed across from him, nodded.
"I suppose she was his first – you know – his first proper girlfriend."
"That we knew nothing about," Sirius remarked sourly. He wrinkled up his nose as if to express the sheer revulsion he felt at being kept in the dark about his friend's love life.
"Sirius, it is up to Remus who he confides his love life in; probably Lily," James' eyes glazed over as he mentioned his own love quest, "I had hoped he would talk once he knew we knew, though." Sirius nodded his head vigorously in response.
"He sure tried to deny his furry little problem when we found out. It isn't that much of a surprise."
"And where is our furry friend, anyway?" James asked, ignoring Sirius' pouting.
"Dunno, off making other secret romances, no doubt," Sirius said.
"Or slitting his wrists over the last one," James added uncharacteristically. Being that he was not usually one to speak of anything so dark, the comment certainly made Sirius look up from his self-pity.
"Excuse me, Mr. Sunshine? Care to repeat that?"
"You saw his face at dinner, he looked ready to jump off the Astronomy Tower," James said. "I'm worried about him, Sirius."
"I know mate, I know," Sirius sighed, shaking his head.
The door to the dormitory opened and a tired looking Remus walked in. Upon seeing the two of them sat in a rather despondent discussion, his face lit up and he seemed to be attempting a smile.
That was what James thought, though it didn't look all that much like a smile; more of a grimace, in his opinion.
"Well hello there, you," Sirius said brightly, trying his best not to look as though the two of them had been speaking about him.
"Hi," Remus responded, equally brightly. This didn't suit him, especially with the all too prominent dark circles around his eyes.
"So," James said, for conversation's sake, "recovered from last night, Moons?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Remus bit back defensively. Sirius frowned and James started. Where had that come from?
Remus, realising his mistake, smiled that awkward smile again and nodded silently. He walked slowly and purposely over to his bed from the position he had taken by the door. James and Sirius watched his every move. Remus noticed their behaviour and raised his eyebrows at them.
"What, have I suddenly gotten devastatingly attractive, or can you just not keep your eyes off of me?" He asked with a light chuckle. James and Sirius both diverted their eyes. The silence resumed.
"Did we get any homework in Charms this morning?" Remus asked when he had removed his school tie. Their day was finished with, all having a free period on Thursday afternoons except Peter who had foolishly taken Muggle Studies in a hope that he might be reasonably good at it, being muggleborn and all.
Sirius took a while in answering Remus, the reason being he was quite taken aback at Remus' normalcy. Had he not just been very moody at lunch?
"Nah, you know Flitwick always forgets. He's getting on in life, his memory is escaping him," Sirius shook his head whilst grinning. Remus nodded in reply, pulling out a textbook that Sirius couldn't read the cover of. He suspected it might be his Ancient Runes textbook.
Sirius watched Remus study the book for a while, until Remus became agitated and stared at him suspiciously.
"I know I'm gorgeous, Sirius, but really, you're putting me off," Remus raised his eyebrows as Sirius continued watching him.
"That was the plan," Sirius responded automatically. Remus sighed and dropped his head again, turning his attention back to his studies.
Sirius looked at James, who had been rifling through his trunk in an apparent search for something. The something was held in his left hand at present, and he was looking rather pleased with himself. Sirius quirked an eyebrow at him, at which James replied to with a goofy grin. Then he mimed something at Sirius, who was too slow to pick up on it.
James frowned and repeated his mime, displaying more of his white teeth this time. Sirius understood him, and grinned also.
"So, Mr. Moony, are we too busy to exact a little revenge on a certain greasy-haired, long-nosed, Dark Arts obsessed Slytherin?" Sirius asked as he walked over to the frail boy. He then proceeded to lift his textbook off Remus' lap and throw it across the dormitory. Remus grumbled in a mildly angry tone.
"Thought not," Sirius said.
Remus sighed with a knowing resignation and allowed himself to be dragged out of the dormitory by both James and Sirius, who were each grinning madly.