Rachel sat across from Kurt at the dinner table. For the past three days Kurt hadn't left her, she was thankful for that. She couldn't be alone in this house, it was too big for her, but she couldn't leave. Having to stay in an unfamiliar place was the last thing she wanted. People rang and sent flowers. Rachel told Kurt she didn't want to see or speak to anyone. Kurt understood. He understood what it was like to lose a parent and he understood what it was like to be lonely. He felt he was the lucky one. When his mom died he had his dad there for him. Rachel had no one left. Not even Finn. Not anymore. "Are you ready for tomorrow?" Kurt asked her about the funeral of her fathers.
"I'm scared." Rachel said quietly, "Right now, I know they're gone. But it still feels like they're just...I don't know...on holidays or something. The funeral will make it...real."
"I'll be there for you."
"Thank you." Rachel ate a few spoonfuls of her dinner "I just wish you didn't have to miss out on your break."
"I don't have to. I'm here because I want to be. You're my friend and I want to be here for you. There's no obligation. Don't worry about me." Kurt said. He wasn't lying. He held her hair when she threw up from all the shock and pain, he made her breakfast, lunch and dinner, answered the phone and door, held her when she cried and let her be alone when she needed to be. And he, in all honesty, didn't mind. He knew she needed him like he had needed his dad when his mom died.
Rachel dreaded getting out of bed that morning. It was the day she had dreaded. She felt sick as she sat up, she quickly got up and rushed to the toilet. Kurt heard her and followed her in, holding her hair out of her face and rubbing her back. "Are you sure you'll be alright today?" Kurt asked. He was concerned.
"Yeah. I'll be fine...It's just...I was hoping today would never come."
She sat in the passenger seat of Kurt's car as he drove. She stared at one of the pictures of her dads in her hands, it was her favorite photo of them, taken at a family friend's 45th birthday party. They looked so happy, how she wanted people to remember them. She also had a single one of both of them, all in matching frames that Kurt had gone out and bought for her. They were the first ones to arrive. Rachel placed the photos on top of the two closed coffins at the front. Rachel didn't want people to see them dead and still, neither did she. Kurt held her hand and they sat in the front. Rachel breathed deeply to try and calm herself down. She didn't want to draw more attention than she knew she was going to. The room slowly filled up but Rachel didn't turn around to see who was there. She just stared at the front and clutched Kurt's hand. Eventually the service started, the usual funeral things were said, a prayer, a brief outline of their lives, then Rachel was called on to speak. She slowly pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket and made her way to the podium, looking back at Kurt quickly as she did, he gave her a reassuring look. As she stood behind the podium she was shocked at the amount of people that were there. There was people she didn't even recognize, people she did, her dads' colleagues, family friends and distance relatives, Mr. Schuester and Mrs. Pillsbury-Howell, Finn's mom and Kurt's dad, Mercedes, Tina, Quinn, Sam, Brittany, Artie, Mike, Puck, Finn and even Santana, all dressed in black. She took a deep breath, wiped the tears from her eyes and looked down at the paper in her hands.
"My dads were the best things in my life." She bursted into tears, she hated the fact that she was crying in front of all these people. "They always believed in me and they never let me down. They were the constant good in my life, and if it wasn't for them I think I would've gone off the deep end a long time ago, or at least very recently." She couldn't help looking over at Finn who was sitting near the back, he hung his head. "And I'd be lying if I said they didn't spoil me." Rachel paused "I've never really been good with words. Whenever I would ask them what they wanted for their birthdays or fathers days they'd always just ask me to sing for them...so that's what I'm going to do for them now. One last time." Rachel looked over at the celebrant who pressed play on the CD player.
"Those you've known
And lost, still walk behind you.
All alone,
They linger till they find you.
Without them
The world grows dark around you
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you."
Rachel sung beautifully, as she always had. Though the song was written for three people, Rachel had altered it to suit one voice.
"Those you've pained
May carry that still with them.
All the same
They whisper: 'All forgiven.'
Still your heart says
The shadows bring the starlight
And everything you've ever been is still there in the dark night"
Rachel looked over the crowd as she sung, trying to hold back the tears and stop her voice from cracking, she used to always sing when she was upset, so it wasn't like she hadn't had any practice.
"When the northern wind blows,
The sorrows your heart holds.
There are those who still know –
They're still home.
We're still home."
Her mind wondered, she thought about what she was going to do when school started, Kurt would go back to Dalton and she'd have no one...again.
"Those you've known
And lost, still walk behind you.
All alone
Their song still seems to find you.
They call you
As if you knew their longing –
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling.
All alone
But still I hear their yearning.
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning.
The stars too,
They tell of spring returning –
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known.
Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won't let them stray from my heart,
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light,
I will read all their dreams to the stars.
I'll walk now with them.
I'll call on their names.
I'll see their thoughts are known.
Not gone.
They walk with my heart –
And I'll never let them go.
I'll never let them go.
I'll never let them go.
You watch me.
Just watch me.
I'm calling.
I'm calling –
And one day all will know."
Rachel sat back down and Kurt put his arm around her, she leant on his shoulder for the rest of the ceremony. When the ceremony ended people were invited back to Rachel's house for the reception, where Carole Hudson had kindly offered to provide the food and drinks. As everyone got up and filed out, Rachel stayed seated.
As Finn left, he looked over at Rachel who was still leaning on Kurt, that should've been him. He should have been the one Rachel leant on, but they weren't together anymore. Finn couldn't be that guy anymore.
Rachel got up and took the three frames as she left. Kurt held her hand as they quietly left and headed back to Rachel's house in Kurt's car.
"You sang beautifully." Kurt told her as he started the car.
"Thank you." Rachel said quietly.
"Are you sure you want to go back to your place? I'm sure Carole won't mind taking care of everything...If you don't feel up to it..."
"No. It's okay." Rachel sniffled. "I can't hide forever."
"I'll be by your side as long as you want me to."
"I'd like that. I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me. I really do appreciate it, Kurt."
"I know you do. You don't have to thank me." Kurt said as he started the car and drove back to Rachel's house.
Song: Those You've Known from Spring Awakening
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