A few minutes later, Auror Shacklebolt arrived. The headmaster quickly pulled him aside and with hushed tone informed the man of the bizarre happenings that were afflicting the schools brightest student.
"In her own bed!" he bellowed his face red with rage. "When I get hold of the perpetrator, I'm going to flay him alive. I'm going to swish and flick his nagger off and hang them from a pole, or better yet I shall give them to our Potions master to do with as he pleases."
"I understand, Headmaster," replied Shacklebolt. "I just can't explain how he got into her room. There are two guards posted nightly at her door and two more beneath her window. No one could get past."
"And yet, someone does appear to get past ... unless, of course, it is one of the guards!" Dumbledore hissed. "Have you noticed anything peculiar about their loins? Large lumps concealed by their robes – that sort of thing?"
"Forgive me, Headmaster. I am at loss at where you are going."
The headmaster described the culprit's package as described by Miss Granger earlier.
"Oh, it all becomes clear," Shacklebolt whispered. "Truthfully, that's not something I would ever dream of inspecting. Besides, don't her companions sleep with her? If a man entered her room surely they would raise the alarm."
"Perhaps they are unaware, perhaps he is using Dark magic, or perhaps there is some sort of secret passageway. The castle is forever changing, after all. That is why you must fetch Filch and meet me there."
The headmaster turned to face McGonagall and Hermione. "My dear, I want you to visit with Professors Vector and Sinistra for a few hours. Please do not discuss this matter with them. Minerva, I'd appreciate it if you would join me in Hermione's bedchamber to question her companions."
"Question my companions?"
"Do not worry, my dear. All shall be explained in due course. In the mean-time, please do as you are told."
The headmaster looked around Hermione's bedchamber, taking great care to investigate her companions' beds, which were placed so that they offered protection to her bed.
"Hmm," he pondered aloud. "He must crawl in beneath these two beds –"
Shacklebolt and Filch stared at the headmaster in disbelief.
"Sir, there is no passageway and the floor is solid stone," replied Shacklebolt.
"Then he must be coming in elsewhere," growled the headmaster. "Empty the room and check every crack, crevice and hole. Leave no stone unturned."
Meanwhile, McGonagall had completed questioning Miss Granger's companions. "They have seen nothing," she said. "They swear they have remained with Miss Granger all three nights and that no man has entered the room to their knowledge."
"Have they had any ... visitors ... poking around their beds?"
"No, but I'm not convinced that they are as chaste as we had hoped. They seem quite familiar with the ... object ... in question, although they have never heard or witnessed one so enormous. Frankly, neither have I, it seems almost mythical," McGonagall sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the headmaster hissed.
"Nothing. I only meant it was ... unusual ... by ordinary standards. Not that you are in any way ordinary Albus. Different things can be mythical in many different ways. After all, heroes are known for their deeds not the size of their... well, you know," McGonagall replied with a smile.
"Enough blathering, we need to concentrate on how in Merlin's name the villain is getting past four guards and two companions to assail Miss Granger. More importantly, how in the blue blazes are we going to stop the fiend?"
While the investigation continued in Hermione's bedchamber she arrived at the joint chambers of Professors Vector and Sinistra.
"Whatever is the matter, dear?" asked Sinistra the moment she opened the door to Hermione.
"It's nothing," whispered Hermione. "I've been forbidden to discuss it."
"Forbidden by whom?" asked Vector as she joined them.
"The headmaster – who else?"
"Poppycock!" said Sinistra. "What the old fool doesn't know won't hurt him. Now come tell us what has you so vexed and we shall see if we can't help."
Hermione smiled. Even though her professors seemed old they always seemed so modern compared to some of the other staff. She especially admired their bloody-minded independence.
The three women settled down on the big velvet sofa that occupied the space in front of the main rooms' fireplace.
"It all began with a lump in my rump," Hermione began. She continued to fill her professors in on what had happened over the previous three days.
"Oh, my dear girl," said Sinistra at the description of the mysterious object. "Has it hurt you?"
"I believe it's inside the mattress. How can it hurt me?"
"Oh, they have their ways," replied Vector, taking the younger woman's hand in her own. "Believe me, they have their ways."
"Who?" questioned Hermione.
"You said it was big. Exactly how big?" asked Sinistra, sidestepping the girls question.
"Well, I could easily place both my hands on it, one above the other, with room to spare above and below."
"Merlin's boxers! How thick was it?"
"Hmmm ... my fingers did not quite reach all the way around it."
"Prospero's prick!" muttered Vector. "Are you sure it wasn't just a clump of feathers!"
"I don't believe so. It grew when I touched it. In fact, the more I touched it, the bigger and harder it got."
"They do tend to do that," whispered Vector.
"What do?"
"And you are positive that you didn't dream it?" Sinistra sidestepped the question again.
"I don't think so."
"Now tell us, dear. You can trust us. You're not involved with someone, are you?"
"Of course not!" said Hermione. "Why? Does this have something to do with men?"
Her two professors exchanged a knowing look.
"You said you'd help me."
Sinistra offered an apologetic smile. "Believe me when I say we wish to help you, my dear. You have been kept in the dark too long, especially now that you are engaged. We've petitioned the headmaster many times to permit us to enlighten you, but this is a line he has forbidden us to cross. Given what has been happening, it is only right that we should seek his approval once more."
Hermione was desperate to press for more information. She hated not knowing something.
"In the meantime," said Vector. "Prince Draco will arrive in five days. Are you excited?"
"I suppose so," Hermione shrugged. "To be honest, I hate the idea of leaving Hogwarts. I'm a little nervous. What should I say when I meet him? How should I behave?"
"That is part of what we wish to discuss with you," replied Sinistra. "As for how to behave just be yourself, dear. Love will take care of the rest."
"Yes, but ... what if I don't like him let alone love him? What happens then?"
"Oh, that's perfectly normal," said Sinistra. "I didn't like my husband at first. He snored all night and had a terrible gas problem."
"Mine reminded me of a dog – he was covered head to toe in coarse hair."
"That sounds awful!" said Hermione.
"Oh, it was. We haven't even told you the worst part. But after a while, they grow on you."
"Ew, like a wart?"
"A wart you become accustomed to," Sinistra replied wistfully, "you miss it when it's gone."
"Over my dead body!" roared the headmaster. "Why do you think Prince Draco has chosen her to begin with? It's not just her intellect he seeks, he believes her to be as pure as fresh morning dew."
"We know, Headmaster," replied Professor Sinistra. "That was before a giant penis appeared in her bed. She should at least be made aware of what it is."
"I agree," said McGonagall.
"Me, too," said Vector.
"It hasn't simply appeared in her bed," replied the headmaster. "Some despot has crawled beneath her mattress and offended her from there. I have a solution. We'll put her in the dungeon."
"She's done nothing wrong!" replied the gathered women.
"It's to protect her, not punish her. There's no way a miscreant will dare to invade Professor Snape's realm. Don't worry, we'll make it comfortable. In the meantime, the Aurors are to check every loin in the castle. As soon as the culprit is caught we can quietly put this whole matter behind us."
Early the next morning, Auror Shacklebolt unlocked the door of the dungeon bedchamber to reveal the peaceful, well-rested, and happy face of Miss Hermione Granger.
"See," said the headmaster. "What did I tell you? She has been left undisturbed for the night and had a wonderful sleep."
"Actually," Hermione stated. "The reason I had a wonderful sleep is I found a good way to deal with this ... this intrusion that keeps appearing in my bed. Instead of sleeping on my back or side, where it prods my rump, I simply rolled over and put it betwixt my legs, where it fits perfectly and felt rather nice."
McGonagall almost fainted and was saved by the sturdy arms of Auror Shacklebolt. The headmaster turned a deathly pale shade of white.
"Whatever is the matter?" asked Hermione. "Don't you see? Whatever this thing is, it need not be a pain in my arse it can instead be a pleasure at my front."
The shocked silence bewildered the young woman. McGonagall was the first to rally and immediately yanked the headmaster to a secluded spot.
"I hope you're happy," she hissed. "Your unwillingness to enlighten the girl is now threatening to undo the very innocence you claim to protect. This is a fine pickle you've got us into."
"That's not the pickle I'm worried about," replied the headmaster.
"You have to let us tell her, so that she can defend herself."
"It's an omen," muttered the headmaster oblivious to what his deputy had just said. "An evil omen."
"The omen here is that our prized pupil is putting a giant, erect phallus between her legs and has no embarrassment about informing us that it feels good. Now, are you going to let me talk to her about this or not?"
"No!" replied the headmaster. "I want to consult with Sybil. She'll know how to deal with this ... this phantom phallus. In the meantime, tell her not to touch it again, or do anything with it, for that matter. Tell her it's evil and she's to stay away from it."