A/N: Haha, so I loved 'Big Time Guru.' Logan and his swagger totally stole the show. Although Carlos believing in a fortune-telling parrot was a close second in my opinion. He's so gullible. Lol. I loved James saying, "I decided to make more eye contact with you guys." *stares at Logan creepily* Hehe. Oh, and did you notice how James spent most of the episode following Logan around? Plus, Logan supposedly "stole" James' swagger…I'm just saying that Jagan is really starting to explode ever since 'Big Time Sneakers," and this episode is no exception. Haha, if only there was a swagger app. I could use a few pointers myself seeing how I have no swagger. *awkward silence* *crickets chirp* Right, I'll be quiet now before I diss myself any further…

Disclaimer: Do I even need to say anything? I think you get the point by now. At least I'd hope so…

Til I Forget About You

Progress

"I'm so sorry about your son, Dr. White," I said sincerely.

"Thank you, Logan," she replied, giving me a small smile of gratitude.

"And I'm sorry that I've been a bit…rude. It's just I'm so…frustrated…by all of this."

It was strange. I knew this woman for less than an hour, yet I already felt at ease with her. Though I consciously knew it wasn't the case, it kind of felt like I had known her my whole life. I guess it was all a matter of finding that common ground with her; once I found that, once I was able to relate to her, she felt less like a stranger and more like someone I could let my walls down around.

"There's no need to apologize, Logan. It's perfectly understandable. It's weird; as a therapist, I'm supposed to remain objective, but I find that the more my patients get to know me, and the more I get to know them, the better I can help them," Dr. White said.

"I know. One of the reasons I was so set against this whole thing was because I didn't want a stranger prying into my personal life. I mean on the one hand, I am aware that a complete stranger has a better chance of helping me because a stranger doesn't know me and thus has no bias. However, on the other hand, before you told me something personal, I had no desire to tell you anything," I replied.

Something else that struck me as odd was that as soon as I said that, I fell silent. It was almost as though I was at a loss for words. Thinking that I was comfortable enough to talk to Dr. White about my problems and actually talking to her about my problems were two entirely different things.

"There's no pressure here, Logan. You can talk to me whenever you're ready. If you're not ready now, that's fine. If you are, then that's great too," she commented.

I sighed deeply. I was truly at a crossroad. I could do one of two things; either I could pull back and retreat, or I could face my problems head on in an attempt to help make things better.

"Honestly, I'm pretty sure that I'm clinically depressed," I admitted.

I couldn't believe I just admitted that out loud. I felt so ashamed. I mean I was never a happy-go-lucky person like Carlos, but depressed? I was a little uneasy. Exactly how depressed was I? Would I have to rely on antidepressants just so I could feel better? I really didn't like the idea of having to take "happy pills."

"What do you think led to your depression?" Dr. White questioned.

"Well, I guess it all started when I left L.A. for New York City," I answered.

"Why did you leave for New York City?"

"My girlfriend at the time…" I trailed off as a tear rolled down my cheek. "Camille landed an acting job in NYC, and wanted me to come with her."

Camille…I really didn't care for my referring to her as my ex-girlfriend, but that's what she was, wasn't she? I still wasn't quite sure how I felt about her yet. As easy as it was for me to blame Camille for all of this, I knew that this wasn't entirely her fault. It's just…I don't know. The way she feels about me is wishy-washy. Either she really cares about me, or she really…doesn't.

"I don't understand. Why did your moving to New York make you depressed? Was it because of the friends and family you left behind?" Dr. White inquired.

"Yes, and no. I mean I did leave friends and family behind. Well, Mrs. Knight and Katie aren't technically my family, but they practically are. Besides, Mrs. Knight is my guardian while I am living here in L.A. Anyways, I got into a huge fight with a couple of my friends before I left for New York," I explained.

More tears fell from my eyes. I remembered that day like it was yesterday even though I would very much like to forget that day entirely. Even though what I told my therapist was true, it was my fight with James that stood out to me the most. I was kind of surprised I even mentioned that I fought with a couple of my friends.

"What did you fight about?" Dr. White asked.

I stood up from the sofa suddenly. This was too much for me. I couldn't do this anymore. The emotional wounds were still so fresh. They were still so…raw. I couldn't talk bad about my friends; they were my friends. I didn't want Dr. White to blame them for the train wreck that I had become. If she wants someone to blame, then she should just blame me; I was the one who let myself get depressed. I was the one who tried to kill myself. I was the one who had to live with the repercussions of my actions.

"What did you fight about?" Dr. White repeated.

"It doesn't even matter! They're not the reasons why I got depressed! They're not the ones who drove me to attempt suicide! I am! They're the best! So leave them out of this!" I exclaimed.

"Logan, calm down. As great as it is to hear you take responsibility for your actions, there's more to this story, isn't there? There's something you're not telling me. You were fine a little bit ago, and now you're all upset. Was it something your friends said?"

"Are you listening to me? I said it wasn't their fault!"

What did she want me to say? That James said Big Time Rush would be fine without me? That Kendall, James, and Carlos would be fine without me? That James said I wasn't important to the band? That James said I wasn't important to them? That in so many words James said all I was good for was singing backup vocals and harmonies? Well, she can forget it.

How do I even still remember all of that? That was months ago! I thought I had moved past this. I thought this was all water under the bridge. If so, then why was this still upsetting me? Why did I remember every single word James said to me like he had just said it to me a few seconds ago?

"Logan, friends don't make friends depressed. They certainly don't drive friends to the point where they feel like killing themselves is the only way out."

I repeatedly shook my head. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! It's not their fault! You don't even know them! I told you! It was my fault! I was stupid! I was selfish! I was a coward!"

"Logan, your loyalty to your friends is admirable. I just have to wonder if your friends have always shown you the same loyalty. Here's what I think; I think that your friends weren't too pleased that you wanted to leave L.A. with your girlfriend. You got into a fight with them shortly before leaving, and they said some pretty hurtful things to you. After all, you even said that was probably when your depression first started."

I was stunned speechless for a fleeting moment as I was in complete awe of how spot on she was with her assessment. It was truly amazing how perceptive this lady really was. Despite my best efforts at trying to lead her in another direction.

"You're right," I said, my voice softening out of defeat. "But you're also wrong. My friends didn't say hurtful things to me; only one of them did. James commented on things I was already insecure about. That's just kind of how he is though. And I don't mean the part about him saying hurtful things. I mean that he is passionate about everything he does. So even when he is mad at someone, like me for example, he's well…passionate," I replied.

"Okay then. Well, what did James say?" Dr. White asked.

This lady just didn't give up, did she? The more I thought about it, the fact that she didn't give up easily probably was more of a credit to her line of work. She probably wouldn't be that successful of a therapist if she stopped asking questions when patients said that they didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I begrudgingly decided to appease her. At least it would get her off my back. "I feel like I should first tell you that I'm in a boy band. Or at least I used to be. Big Time Rush," I said.

"I thought you looked familiar," she commented.

"Come again?"

"BTR didn't really start to get mainstream until fairly recently, but locally, word had spread about you guys while you were still a member. My daughter is a huge fan. I even took her to see you guys in concert."

I didn't even know how to respond to that. I think I was leaning towards horrified. I could just picture her going home and telling her daughter how one of her patients used to be a member of Big Time Rush. Dr. White would probably then go on to tell her daughter how she thought I was suicidal and mentally unstable. Then, she'd probably stop being a fan of BTR.

"I'm sorry for interrupting you. What were you saying before?" Dr. White asked.

"Oh, right. James told me how I wasn't important to the band or our group of friends. He said about the only thing I was good for was singing backup vocals and harmonies. The thing is…he's right. Kendall is a hockey star and a born leader. He's good at this whole boy band thing and he doesn't even have to try. James is a ladies' man. This whole boy band thing is his dream, so of course he would be awesome at it. Carlos is a people person, and a really good dancer," I said.

"What about you? Where do you fit in?"

"That's the thing; I don't. Not really. Sometimes I ask myself how I even ended up being friends with Kendall, James, and Carlos in the first place. I have next to nothing in common with them. I'm smart. That's seriously about the only thing I have going for me. The other three are…well…they have troublemaking tendencies. I'm usually the one telling them their plan is a bad idea. I'm usually the one pointing out all the things that could go wrong. They say that I'm pessimistic and scared of everything. I'm sure they think I'm a huge buzz kill. As far as this whole boy band thing is concerned, James is right; all I'm good for is backup vocals and harmonies. I mean I guess I don't completely suck at singing and dancing, but compared to the others…well, there is no comparison really."

Hearing me say all that out loud, made me think that perhaps I really was pessimistic. Or maybe it was just my depression talking. I couldn't quite make up my mind on that one. All I knew is that I felt really sad all of a sudden. I sensed impending waterworks.

"Frankly, I think the reason I always go along with the others, the reason I'm still friends with them is that without them, I'd have no friends. I mean I guess I'm popular at The Palm Woods…by association. Or at least I was before this whole rehab business. Look at my school in New York. I didn't have a single friend. The only person I considered a friend, Courtney, she had no desire to be my friend," I stated.

"I think you are being entirely too hard on yourself. I think you just lack self-confidence," Dr. White replied.

Funny. I thought she said she wasn't going to judge me. What do you call what she just said then? Anyhow, it wasn't like she was telling me anything I didn't know. I already knew that I didn't have a whole lot of self-confidence. As for her thinking I was being too hard on myself, that was just one person's opinion.

"I think we're done for the day," I said, before leaving the room.

"Logan, wait. Come back," Dr. White called out to me, but her call went unanswered.

To Be Continued…

A/N: So, I have a rough draft for the first chapter of my possible next story; the Logan torture one. It's called 'Doppelganger.' I also came up with a name for the Katie/Logan story. It's called 'A Different Kind of Kogan.' Also, my birthday is coming up. It's January 22nd. I'm pretty sure I'll be older than any of my readers or reviewers. Please don't make me tell you my age. I'm in the 21-30 range. That's all I'm saying.