A/N: something that was supposed to be a one shot just turned into something more. Well part one of Sam's pov is done I hope you like it! Oh and btw there are excerpts from a few of Richard Siken's poems Scheherazade and The Problem.

Look at the light through the windowpane. That means it's noon, that means

we're inconsolable.

Sam's world is falling apart little by little shards fall away and cut him deep. But he's to tired to notice. Did you know that sleeping all the time is a sign of depression? Well he does he looked it up. Sleeping is all that he and Caroline do anymore. She will crawl up Bobby steps like moving is just too much and she will crash on the bed fully clothed. He joins her most days. Most days they will spend all day up in that tiny spare room curled up in a ball the windows blacked out to keep all the light out covers from an all too small bed pulled up over their heads. Cocooning themselves in the darkness and grief that rules.

Then one day he just snaps looses all control rages until he can't rage any more slamming things throwing things. Caroline is cowering on the steps like an abuse victim. When his anger fizzes out as it always does, she goes and picks up his mess quietly like she is afraid she will set him off. Instead of soothing him like he sure it's meant to it does the opposite and he leaves storms out of the house leaving Caroline behind silent tears streaming down all too pale face.

Did you know that not sleeping is also a sign of depression? Well he does because he looked that up to. His fingers fly across the key board his ever-present bottle next to him. He looks through all of Bobby's old tomes and goes to the local library and searches through theirs to. He keeps searching until his fingers bleed from the paper cuts and are numb from typing on the computer. His eyes are blurry from reading to much and there is so much damn information in his head he's afraid it will explode.

And he wont even talk about his own drinking he spends most of his time so drunk and angry that he actually got into a bar fight. Yeah that's right little Sammy Winchester picked a bar fight. When he comes home its Caroline that takes care of him. Her beautiful eyes that used to remind him of Dean. What with the gold flecks and the green fire that burned deep within. Now all they hold are pain. Their dulled by it.

She wipes away the blood from his mouth and from his knuckles as she did for Dean. That memory forever burned in his mind. The way she wiped his brother clean of blood and redressed him. She never says a word he doesn't even think she can talk anymore. She wraps his bruised and cut hands in gauze with gentle care her own hands move with gentle precision. Her fingers brushing against his and he's reminded of a better time. Of a time when Dean was alive. A time when she was done she would have offered him a perky smile that lit up those eyes of hers she would have kissed his cheek and told him to quit being stupid. But that was practically a lifetime ago.

He just can't take it anymore its killing him so he starts to pull away. Their pain is just too much for him. His brother who at times was more like a father was dead taken from him in the cruelest way known to man. He was forced to watch the life ebb from his eyes. That sparkle that never seemed to fade even in the worst circumstance fizzed out while he was pinned to a wall. His brother screams mingled with Caroline's still ring in his ears making him feel like he will go deaf.

To ease the pain he starts to go on hunts by himself searching for Lilith. If it's the last thing he does he'll bring that bitch's head back on a silver platter. Before long Ruby finds him. However, he's been betrayed by her and doesn't trust her that is until he does. It'll be the worst mistake he'll ever make and he knows that somewhere deep down he does know that but he doesn't care anymore. He's lost, he's broken, and his big brother isn't here to fix him anymore.

Caroline joins him before long and Ruby isn't happy about that but he tells her to suck it that where he goes she goes. It'll be another wrong move but like trusting Ruby, he won't know that until it's too late. Caroline keeps him grounded keeps him human even if she doesn't feel that way. They slash and burn through towns hunting things and saving people.

The Impala that was once filled with laughter and arguments the Impala that once seemed to cradle him like a mothers arms that has been as much as a part of his family as his dad, Dean, Caroline and Bobby is silent now and instead of making him feel safe it just intensifies the pain he feels. It should been Dean behind the wheel him in the passenger seat and Caroline stretched out like a cat in the back. It should be filled with a bit of happiness the only place to feel normal. Instead, it's filled with quiet pain and anger that boils just below the surface. And there's no such thing as normal now if there ever was any to begin with.

Why do anything at all? Not how, because hows

are easy, series or sequence, one foot after the other, but existentially why bother, what does it solve?

Caroline's dislike for Ruby is palpable green eyes that are still dull look on in distrust as they were directed to a job just outside of her hometown. He makes promises he knows he will never keep promises and he suspects she knows it to but she still goes. It'll be her undoing. The Impala is quiet devoid of music the only sound the roar of the engine. However, that's when the argument starts. She yells at him about Ruby and he has a moment where bitter thoughts cloud his mind. The only time she speaks anymore is to remind him of how much Dean would hate that he relies on Ruby so much. Doesn't she know he knows that? Doesn't she realize that he knows how much Dean would hate this how much Dean would yell, shout, and rage about how stupid this was?

He knows what Dean would say, "look at the last time, I died the last time we trusted her" he knows all that. So he yells back tells her to, "Shut the fuck up I get it already!" hurt shines bright in her eyes and it breaks off another little piece of him. She used to be his best friend the one person he could run and hide to the one person he could tell all his secrets to. He gets she's hurting to he gets that her pain is all consuming at the moment but so is his. There so lost in this never-ending argument he doesn't see the man standing in the road before it's to late.

He swerves misses the man just in time but he over corrects and sends the Impala spinning flipping it making it roll into the ditch. The last thing he sees just before the world goes blacker than the night sky is Caroline on the roof looking like a rag doll that was carelessly tossed away bleeding from a gash on her forehead.

His head is pounding his body aching and out of instinct he reaches for Caroline but all he finds is cold wet asphalt. His head spins as he gets to his knees eyes blurry form a concussion he knows he has and he searches for her. But he wont find her she's gone, gone like his brother gone like everyone else he loves somehow he's sure of that fact. He yells for her anyways.

"Caroline! Caroline!"

He calls for her until he's too hoarse to say another word and yet he still tries. Lying on the cold wet asphalt he calls for his friend the one person he was supposed to protect the one person Dean cared so much about and he had just let her slip away like a thief in the night. "Sam?" He hears someone calling his name and for a moment in time he thinks its Caroline that, she's not really gone that she wasn't taken but it's not her. A girl with long brown hair and endless brown eyes looks down on him. Elena. "Sam? Oh my God what happened?" she's frantic and he means to reassure her somehow but he just can't find the words and the darkness calls to him once more. The last thing he hears is Elena screaming, "Sam! Sam come on Sam! Stefan help me!"