A/N: So, let me just tell you that this feels really weird going from writing a humor story ('My Best Friend Is a Vampire') to an angst story ('Til I Forget About You') and back again and again. I honestly am perplexed as to how I'm able to pull it off in the first place if I even am pulling it off…
Disclaimer: I own just as much of BTR as you do. Yay! Wait…what?
Til I Forget About You
Altercation
I had just finished tricking a nurse into believing that I had taken my meds again. Just like before, once she left, I discreetly closed the door. I walked over to my suitcase, and unzipped the front pocket. I retrieved my Ziploc of pills. I undid the seal, and removed the pill from underneath my tongue. I dropped the medicine in the bag, and just as I was resealing the Ziploc, I heard the door open, and realized quickly that I was not alone. I hastily finished sealing the bag before stuffing it in the front pocket, and zipping it back up.
"What are you doing with those?" Carlos asked.
I chuckled uneasily. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. I could see it written all over his face. One thing I had learned about Carlos and his emotions was that they were very pure. When he was sad, he wasn't just kind of sad, he was completely sad. When he was disappointed, he wasn't just sort of disappointed, he was wholly disappointed.
"What am I doing with what?" I replied.
"Are those your meds? Why aren't you taking them?" he inquired.
I laughed nervously. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there really wasn't a good way to answer this question. The bottom line was that I wasn't taking them even though I should be.
"You're making way too big of a deal out of this, Carlos! It's just four pills!" I exclaimed.
"They can help you get better though! Don't you want to get better?" Carlos asked.
"Get better? Why do I need to get better? What's wrong with me?"
"You seriously can't be asking me that! You tried to kill yourself! From the pills your hiding, it looks like you're going to try to kill yourself again!"
"How come no one seems to be listening to me? I'm not suicidal!"
I was shaking with rage. I was getting sick and tired of everyone thinking that I wanted to kill myself. No matter how much I told them otherwise, it just seemed to fall upon deaf ears. Quite frankly, I felt betrayed by Carlos. Of all people, I thought I could count on him. I thought he would never turn his back on me. I thought he would always believe me. I thought wrong. Just like everyone else, he thinks I'm a liar.
"Okay, then you wouldn't mind if I took your stash of pills and showed your therapist what you've been doing," Carlos said.
I stood in front of my suitcase spread eagle. I couldn't allow Carlos to do that. I didn't understand why he was behaving like this. My heart was pounding in my chest. I didn't like this one bit. I hated confrontations. Carlos knew that. So then why did he insist of making a confrontation out of this?
"Logan, get out of the way. Why can't you see that I'm only trying to help you?" he questioned.
"Help me?" I replied incredulously. "You're not trying to help me! You're trying to rat me out!"
The two of us fought over the zipper on the front pocket of my suitcase. He was trying to force it open, while I was struggling to keep it shut. I fought valiantly, but I knew that ultimately, it would be a losing battle. Carlos had always been stronger than me.
"Carlos, stop it!" I screamed.
He managed to get the front pocket open just enough to stick his free hand in there, and pull out the Ziploc of pills. He made a mad dash for the door, but this was where I had a slight advantage. I had always been faster than him. He opened the door ever so slightly, but I slammed it shut, and put my body in between Carlos and the door.
"I can't let you do that," I said.
He held the bag of pills high above his head, but this is where again, I had a slight advantage. I was slightly taller, and therefore had a slightly longer reach. I jumped up and grabbed hold of the Ziploc. Now, we both had a hold of it, and neither one of us wanted to let go.
As we were both pulling, we were both also kind of turning. He was trying to get to the door while I was trying to get back to my suitcase. Now, we had swapped positions; he was standing by the door and I was where he was standing not too long ago.
I startled him when I conceded the bag to him. He was a bit off balance. I placed the palms of both my hands on his chest and shoved him backwards with all my might. Carlos' body crashed into the door like he was checked into the boards at a hockey rink.
"Ow!" Carlos cried out as the doorknob made contact with the small of his back.
His hand instantly reached for his injury. His face was contorted in pain. With his back pressed against the door, he slid down until he was sitting on the floor. I saw that tears threatened to spill from his eyes. I gasped in horror at the realization that I had caused this; I hurt Carlos.
I stood there frozen in my tracks for I don't even know how long. I wanted to go make sure Carlos was okay. However, what I wanted and what actually happened were two entirely different things.
My gaze found the Ziploc of pills. It lay there abandoned on the floor. Carlos must have dropped it when he…when I…after the…incident. I felt like the worst person in the world for wanting to go and grab the bag of meds while I still had a chance. Don't get me wrong. Another part of me felt like I should go check on Carlos. It's just that the part of me that wanted to snatch the meds nearly made me sick to my stomach. That part of me obviously didn't have his priorities straight.
I don't know how, but the next thing I knew, I was kneeling beside Carlos. My feet weren't working before, so I had no idea how or why they were working now, but I wasn't complaining because they took me exactly where I wanted to go.
"I'm so sorry, Carlos," I apologized, reaching my hand out to place on his shoulder.
"Don't touch me!" he yelled back, shrinking back before I even had a chance to touch him.
I was startled by his reaction. Honestly, I think he was startled by his reaction too. This was highly uncharacteristic behavior from Carlos. Then again, I'm one to talk. Nowadays, it seems like all my behavior is uncharacteristic behavior. My hand remained suspended in mid-air.
"I just want to…" I started to say before I was interrupted.
"Don't!" Carlos retorted.
"If you would just let me.."
"I said don't!"
My bottom lip quivered. All I had wanted to do was check his injury just to see how bad it was, but he wouldn't even let me do that. Of course he wouldn't let me do that. Not after what I just did to him. Not when I was the reason he got injured in the first place.
"You hate me, don't you?" I asked, my voice cracking. "I wouldn't blame you if you did. Heck, I hate myself. I don't even know why I'm acting like this! I don't want to act like this, but I can't help it. I'm really sorry I hurt you, Carlos. You can hurt me too if you want; that way we'll be even."
I was crying hysterically now. Carlos reached over and gently cupped my chin with his hand. He tilted my head so that I was looking him in the eye. He looked to be on the verge of tears himself. He was making soft shushing noises.
"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm okay, Logie, really. It doesn't even hurt that much anymore. If you don't believe me, you can see for yourself," Carlos said.
He turned his back to me so I could get a better look. With a shaking hand, I grabbed the soft cotton material that covered his back. When I went to lift his shirt up, he hissed in pain as the article of clothing brushed over his injury. A fresh wave of tears streamed from my eyes.
I inhaled sharply when I saw the condition his back was in. There was the beginnings of a welt forming just to the right of where his left kidney was located. The area around where the doorknob left an impression was black, blue, and purple. I scooted back in terror. I was crying so hard now that I couldn't see straight.
"Logie, it's okay. I'm okay," Carlos insisted.
I vigorously and repeatedly shook my head. I was so disgusted by what I had done to Carlos that I could practically feel bile start to climb up my esophagus. Suddenly, my head felt really heavy; so heavy that I couldn't hold it up any longer.
My head fell into Carlos' lap. His legs were fully outstretched. My head now rested on Carlos' thigh. I buried my face deeper in Carlos' jeans as he ran his hand through my hair repeatedly.
The seconds and minutes started to blur together. I wasn't sure how long we sat like that, but I could feel my body start to relax. I gradually got less and less tense. My sobs were slowly starting to subside.
"I won't tell anyone about the pills. That will just be our little secret. But you have to do something for me; you have to start taking your meds. Do you think you can do that for me, buddy?" Carlos asked.
I didn't trust my voice, so I merely nodded my head. I was starting to scare myself. Who I am hates who I have been. I hurt him physically and emotionally, yet he was the one holding me. He was the one trying to make me feel better.
The two of us fell into a comfortable silence for quite some time. Even though no words were spoken, we were both enjoying the other's company. Something was bugging me though. I was trying not to make a big deal out of it, but I had a feeling it would keep nagging me until I got some answers.
"Where are Kendall and James?" I asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper.
"They're outside waiting in the car. None of us were really sure if you would want to see them or not. So we kind of all decided that I would go in first and kind of test the waters. If you're up to it, I can go ahead and call them or text them to come in," Carlos said.
I didn't answer right away. I honestly was a little confused. Why wouldn't I want to see Kendall and James? Or was that just Carlos' nice way of saying that they didn't want to see me? I mean yeah, things were a little rocky before I left, but I'd like to think that they had my back. I'd like to think that was all water under the bridge.
"Will you?" I asked timidly.
I needed my friends; all of my friends. I needed to see their faces. I needed to hear their voices. I had gone without them for 72 hours. In my opinion, that was 72 hours too long. I guess you could say that I was in the fifth stage of grief: acceptance. I accepted the fact that I was a mess. I accepted the fact that for the first time in my life, I was completely and utterly dependent on my friends. I couldn't do this alone. The past three days were proof of that.
"I'm texting them now," Carlos informed me, whipping out his cell phone.
XXXXX
As soon as I saw Kendall and James enter my room, my face lit up. I immediately ran over to them, and gave each of them a great big hug. I think I startled them with my enthusiasm, but they didn't complain.
"It's so good to see you guys! You have no idea!" I remarked.
"We missed you too, Logan," Kendall said.
"Are you…crying?" James asked, the concern evident in his tone of voice.
I bashfully attempted to get rid of the evidence by wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I even laughed a little bit.
"Yes, but these aren't sad tears. These are happy tears," I replied.
As Kendall and James walked further in my room, Kendall stepped on something. It made a sort of crunching sound. My breath caught in my throat as I realized what it was he had stepped on. He bent down and picked up the Ziploc of newly crushed pills.
"What is this?" Kendall asked.
"It's nothing!" I answered perhaps a little too quickly.
I looked over at Carlos. He made a 'my lips our sealed' gesture much to my relief. However, that did absolutely nothing when it came to the gravity of the situation I currently found myself in.
"Oh, Logan," James said with the same disappointment that Carlos had in his voice earlier when he first discovered my stash.
"Are these your…pills?" Kendall inquired.
"Kendall, you're overreacting. It's only four pills! I can hardly overdose on four pills!" I replied.
"Is that what you were trying to do? Save up your pills until you had enough to overdose? Why would you do that? Do you think this is fun for us? You're supposed to be here to get better!" Kendall yelled at me.
Naturally, I started crying my eyes out once again. Really, this didn't even surprise me anymore. I was normally an emotional person as it was, but being in this place for three days without being able to see any of my friends or loved ones made me an even more emotional person. It made me an extremely moody person.
"Kendall, stop it. You're upsetting him!" Carlos said.
Kendall rounded on Carlos, narrowing his eyes at him. Carlos gulped nervously, backing up a few steps. I stood there like a blubbering idiot doing nothing but cry.
"Wait a second. Did you know about this?" Kendall asked of Carlos.
"Well, yeah, but I…" Carlos started to respond.
"And what were you going to do about it?"
"Nothing. Logan promised me…"
"Nothing? Nothing! You were going to do nothing! I don't care what Logan promised you! You shouldn't have believed him! Open your eyes, Carlos! He had a secret stash of pills! He was going to use them to attempt suicide again!"
James got in between Carlos and Kendall, shielding Carlos from a very enraged Kendall. He always had anger management issues, and I knew that I was the one who set him off this time around. Just like I was the one who hurt Carlos earlier. I couldn't do anything right, could I?
"Take it easy, Kendall," James said.
"Take it easy? Take it easy! Am I the only one who sees what's going on here?" Kendall commented.
I couldn't just stand by and watch as Kendall took his anger out on James or Carlos. I was the one he was angry at. If he was to take his anger out on anybody, it should be me. I walked over to him, and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Kendall," I said sincerely.
He roughly swatted my hand away; maybe a little too roughly. I hissed in pain as I grabbed my wrist. I could see the fury and disappointment in his green eyes that suddenly looked cold.
"You're sorry? That means absolutely nothing to me, Logan!" he remarked. He even said my name with such disdain. "For someone so smart, how can you be so stupid? How can you be so selfish? Did you even once think about how your actions would affect the rest of us? Did you?" Kendall screamed at me.
"Okay Kendall, that's enough!" James said, grabbing Kendall from behind, holding his arms behind his back.
"James, let me go!" Kendall demanded.
"Not until you calm down!" James replied.
I was so scared that Kendall might hurt James. I was scared of Kendall, period. I had never seen him like this before. I've seen him angry before, but he was never this angry. I couldn't stop my tears from falling even if I wanted to. I just kept thinking about what a huge disappointment I was to Kendall. I kept thinking about what a failure I was as a friend.
"Okay, I'll calm down," Kendall said. "You know what? I can't do this anymore, Logan! Take your pills or don't take your pills. Kill yourself or don't kill yourself. I don't care! Because as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with you!" Kendall remarked, before shaking himself free from James' grasp and leaving my room.
I stood there shocked. Did that really just happen? Today was supposed to be such a happy day too. Now, I was pretty sure that I just lost one of my best friends for good.
To Be Continued…