Disclaimer: Nickelodeon didn't sell me the rights to Big Time Rush for my birthday! Darn it!

Til I Forget About You

Promises

My legs gave out on me as I sank to my knees. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. It all seemed so surreal. A seemingly never-ending supply of tears fell from my eyes. I was so overcome with grief that my entire body shook from head to toe. Kendall's last words echoed in my ears as though they were on repeat.

"Kendall hates me!" I sobbed.

James knelt down beside me, and gathered me in his arms. He rubbed small circles in my back. I buried my face in his chest, and cried. I was comforted to some extent by James, but on the whole, I was still very much inconsolable. I started hyperventilating.

"Just try to relax buddy, okay? Breathe. That's it. In and out. In and out. There. You're doing great!" James said, encouraging me.

"Carlos?" I called out, my head perking up. "Where's Carlos?"

Carlos was instantly at my side. He placed a hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I immediately felt relieved that he hadn't turned his back on me as well. It was bad enough that I had already lost one of my best friends today. I couldn't stand the thought of losing another.

"I'm right here, Logie," Carlos replied.

"You guys hate me too, don't you?" I asked, sniffling.

"Of course not!" the two of them answered in unison.

I wanted to believe them; really, I did. However, my pessimism was clouding my judgment. I had convinced myself that they were only saying what I wanted them to say in order to appease me. I was damaged goods. Nobody wanted damaged goods.

"Kendall doesn't hate you either," James commented.

"Yeah. Just give him time. He'll come around," Carlos added.

"What if…" I sobbed. "What if he doesn't?"

"He will," James replied.

"You don't know that!" I exclaimed.

"You're right," Carlos said, before James elbowed him in the ribs.

In spite of everything, that brought a small smile to my face. I watched with amusement as Carlos narrowed his eyes at James, and rubbed his sore ribcage.

"Ouch! What was that for?" Carlos whined.

"You're not supposed to tell Logan that Kendall might not come around!" James retorted.

"I wasn't finished! If someone hadn't interrupted me, I would have told Logan that he doesn't know that Kendall won't come around either!"

Even I had to admit that Carlos had a point; I didn't know that Kendall wouldn't come around. All four of us didn't exactly have the best track record when it comes to holding grudges. Then again, I'm not sure that's something that people are boastful about even if they do have a good track record when it comes to holding grudges.

Still though, a part of me wondered how long this would last. For now, it was just the three of us-me, Carlos, and James. That was only because Kendall had a problem with me; he wanted to have nothing to do with me anymore since he was "done" with me. The fact of the matter was that Kendall didn't have a problem with James or Carlos.

Kendall was the unofficial leader of our group. It's not like we had some sort of established pecking order. Frankly, James, Carlos, and I weren't exactly leader material. I braced myself for the inevitable; James and Carlos would eventually rally behind their leader, leaving me completely friendless.

I hated the predicament I was putting James and Carlos in. Essentially, they had to choose between me and Kendall. I knew what a difficult decision that must be for them, and I didn't want them to have to make it. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't making them choose. It's just that the more time they spend with me, the more they will jeopardize their friendship with Kendall. It was a lose-lose situation. No matter what, we wouldn't be a foursome anymore; we would only be a trio.

"Logan, what's wrong? Are you okay, buddy?" Carlos asked, waving his hand in front of my face.

"You guys should go after Kendall," I blurted out.

James and Carlos wore similar shocked expressions on their faces. They traded confused looks with one another.

"What?" James asked.

I looked at the clock on the wall; anything so that I wouldn't have to look James or Carlos in the eye. I didn't want to see the pain I was causing them. I pulled back from James' embrace as well.

"I'm late for my therapy session," I said, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"Are you kidding? It's the first day you're allowed to have visitors. I'm sure your therapist will understand," James responded.

I usually didn't have trouble voicing my opinion, but for some reason, I was having difficulty finding the right words to say. I wanted to choose my words carefully because I didn't want to hurt them unnecessarily. However, I did want them to get the message loud and clear.

"You shouldn't have to choose between me and Kendall," I said.

"Logan…" Carlos started to say before I interrupted him.

"Which is why I'm choosing for you. Go be with Kendall," I told them.

James firmly grabbed me by both of my shoulders and shook me. I had reduced him to tears. They streamed down his face.

"Stop it, Logan! Don't talk like that! You're not making any sense! We're not going to just abandon you, so you can forget it!" James remarked.

"You've done it before. Why should now be any different?" I asked.

James let go of me as though my words had literally burned him. I could tell that my words alone were like daggers through his heart. I didn't want to have to bring that up again, but I was left with little options. I saw words trying to form on his lips, but nothing was vocalized.

"It's just like you said: you guys will be fine without me," I commented.

"No we won't! We promised each other that we would always stick together ever since we were in peewee hockey together!" Carlos commented.

Carlos was crying fervently. I didn't feel good about making two of my best friends cry, but I needed to get them to let me go.

"Kendall already broke that promise!" I remarked.

"So you're just going to go and break the promise too?" Carlos replied.

"Why can't you see that I only want the three of you to stick together? Face it, Carlos; it's not the four of us anymore."

"How can you give up so easily?"

I couldn't keep my emotions in check any longer. My vision was quickly blurred by a haze of tears. Why couldn't they understand that I wasn't giving up? Why couldn't they understand that this wasn't easy for me? I needed my friends, but I wanted the three of them to stay friends, so what I wanted trumped what I needed.

"Well, I promised that I would visit you everyday, and I'm not breaking that promise!" Carlos said emphatically.

"So you're willing to throw your friendship with Kendall away? Just like that?" I asked.

"What are you talking about, Logan? I don't see why I can't be your friend and Kendall's friend."

"Continuing to be my friend will ruin your friendship with Kendall. As much as I want your friendship, I want you and Kendall to stay friends even more. Besides, you seem to forget that you, James, and Kendall were friends before you even met me. We all met in peewee hockey, but before it was the four of us, it was just the three of you."

It was true though. The three of them became fast friends. It took a little more time with me. I was one of those slow-to-warm-up types. There was an ache in my chest when I thought about the irony of it all. The first one to accept me into the group had been Kendall. Now, he wanted nothing to do with me.

"Yeah, but it's been the four of us much longer than it's been the three of us," James commented, finally able to speak again.

"And I want it to be the four of us again, but that just isn't possible right now. That's not to say that it won't be possible again someday though," I replied.

"So James and I are getting punished because of what Kendall said and did? How is that fair?" Carlos commented.

"Please don't see it like that, Carlos. It's not my intent to punish anyone. I've changed. I'm not the person I once was. I don't want you guys to see me like this. I don't want you guys to see me until I'm the Logan you remember."

How could anyone accept me if I didn't first accept myself? That's the thing; I haven't always liked who I was. Sometimes, I downright hated myself. All of us are flawed, but it always seemed to me that I was more flawed than most people, ergo my hatred of myself. Even though I found three great guys in Carlos, James, and Kendall, I always felt like I didn't completely fit in. I kind of felt like the ugly duckling. The three of them were very much like each other; they were very much in sync. Most of the time, it was like I was on an entirely different wavelength.

"There's all this talk about what people want. What you want. What Kendall wants, or rather doesn't want. Well, what about me and Carlos? What about what we want?" James asked.

"Okay then. Well, what do you want?" I replied, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

"I want the four of us to be friends. That's the way it's supposed to be," James answered.

"Same here," Carlos added.

I sighed. That was precisely what I thought they would say. The more I tried to stop sniffling, the more I sniffled. Eventually, I gave up trying to stop at all. Then, and only then did it seem like I was sniffling less.

"You should talk to Kendall then. He's the one who disowned me," I muttered under my breath.

Carlos wasn't sure what to say, so he let his actions speak for him. He pulled me in for a hug. I could hear his soft cries. I felt so awful. He was crying because of me. Carlos shouldn't cry, period. He especially shouldn't cry because of me. I returned his embrace, and when I did, he flinched when I barely even touched his back. My eyes filled with tears. I was once again reminded of yet another way I had hurt Carlos.

"It's not that bad," Carlos said to me.

"Carlos, are you okay? What are you talking about? What happened?" James asked.

I hung my head in shame, and Carlos tightened his hold on me.

"It's nothing!" Carlos lied.

I didn't like that Carlos was lying to protect me. I really hoped James wasn't too suspicious. Well, at least not suspicious enough to get to the bottom of this. I feared what would happen if he discovered I had hurt Carlos. I had a feeling that James would disown me much like Kendall did.

"Is this a bad time?" Camille asked.

I looked up and saw her standing in the doorway of my room. I was discombobulated. I was happy to see her. I was excited to see her. However, at the same time, I didn't know if I was ready to see her. I wasn't sure that I wanted to see her.

To Be Continued…

A/N: This chapter was really hard to write. Believe it or not, I have yet another idea for a possible future story. What I decided to do was something intricate but simple; I'm going to make a new poll with all now seven ideas for future stories. Vote for which one you want to see me turn into an actual story. Every week, the option that has the fewest votes will be removed from the poll. This will continue until there is only one story idea left standing. In the event of a tie, I will either extend the voting time until the tie is broken or eliminate all the tied options. This will be decided at my discretion. To help you decide, here is the story title and story synopsis for all seven options:

"Doppelganger" Logan multi-chapter Angst/Hurt/Comfort: A cold case involving a paranoid schizophrenic person suspected of murdering his father and being involved in the disappearance of his kid brother gets a new lead after ten years when he mistakes Logan for his missing brother.

"No Way Out" Logan/Camille multi-chapter Angst/Romance: A routine trip to the bank turns into a nightmare when three armed men rob the bank Camille and Logan went to and take everyone there hostage.

"Sink or Swim" All four BTR guys one-shot Friendship/Humor: Big Time Rush is having their first ever convention. Too bad Gustavo and Kelly failed to mention how crazed some fans can really get.

"Hold On" Carlos/Logan multi-chapter Angst/Friendship: Carlos is a thrill-seeker. Logan is not. When Carlos convinces Logan to do some spur-of-the-moment rock climbing, he never thought there would be an accident.

"A Different Kind of Kogan" Katie/Logan one-shot Angst/Friendship: James was right after all; Katie does have a crush on one of Kendall's best friends. Only it's not James. One-sided Katie/Logan.

"Just Drive" All four BTR guys multi-chapter Angst/Friendship: The four guys go out for a ride to celebrate Logan getting his driver's license. Their joy ride takes a turn for the worse when they are the victims of a carjacker.

"Forget Me Not" Logan multi-chapter Angst/Hurt/Comfort: Logan and his grandma have always been close. Even though she has Alzheimer's, she always seems to remember Logan. When Logan receives a call that his grandma is quite possibly on her deathbed, will she remember him then? More importantly, will she even survive?