Depression was a part of the healing process.
So, why did she experience it so much? Why did she always have this cloud like it seemed, hanging over her all the time?
Clare sat on the corner of her bed, the sheets around her as she stared at the floor dejectedly. The news had come on, telling the story of the lost life of the little girl in the car wreck she was in. Surely God will give her another life to live in, right? It wasn't fair, she thought silently to herself.
Maybe it was the recent loss of her knee that made her depressed or the actual story of the car crash that made her depressed, she didn't know which. Maybe she had gone so happy for long that it was finally time for the depression to really hit her.
Eli might have been able to understand, what with Julia's death and all, but did he see her head lying there in the middle of the street? Did he see her crying face one second before the collision? Sure, he had believed it was his fault, and in reality, it was really Clare's fault. If she hadn't been arguing with her mother about which radio station to choose, maybe they wouldn't have drove so quickly into that patch of ice.
Maybe one little girl would still have her life today.
Yes, she had seen the little girl's mother, and it had broken her soul. Her mother wailed and sobbed instead of crying, and Clare knew that she took away the most precious thing in this mother's life. Even when the husband tried to comfort her, she pushed him away roughly and stood by herself.
Clare also didn't feel as if it were a fair trade- a leg for a life.
She got pity wherever she went, and it bothered her greatly. Don't I deserve this? She would ask herself sometimes.
It sure as hell felt like it.
Sometimes she wished that she had gone into a comatose state when she arrived at the hospital, so as to avoid the feelings and thoughts and natural emotions that came along with the outcome of the car accident.
She also wondered what it would feel like to be in a coma. In fact, sometimes she wished she never would have survived the car accident. What's the use? A leg and a half and complete fault over a young girl's death- a girl who had hopes, fantasies, and dreams. A young girl who loved to color pictures, who loved to play dollies, who loved to sing. A young girl with a future that was abruptly taken away from her, without her even getting to say goodbye or do something meaningful.
And yet here Clare was, a bright future ahead of her, a loving boyfriend, and an amazing family for the most part.
But then again, that girl could have it too, right?
Even walking to the bathroom was a struggle, and she felt worthless. She was the girl that everyone wrote off now and never got to know. The one who people automatically thought they knew everything about. Damn that ice.
She didn't even do thing's the same way again. The poppy, peppy music she used to listen to had never been heard since she got back from the hospital. The bright, floral clothes that she used to wear lay unused in her closet, probably not going to come out in a long time.
She found herself limping with her crutches to the bathroom. The floor creaked every time the hard rubber on her crutches hit it, almost like a beat that wouldn't stop until she commanded it to. She flicked on the light and adjusted her eyes to the sudden brightness. It wasn't like her to take a bath this late at night, but her mother and father were out and she just felt like cleaning herself. She turned the dial in the bathtub and waited for the water to fill up.
Sparingly, she washed her hands in the sink. The water felt nice and cool on her fingers, and she was glad that she was able to wash her hands. At least she didn't need to walk for it. She flipped the warm switch on the sink and felt the water slowly warm up until it became a sting on her hands and she decided it was time to stop. She dried her hands gingerly on the towel, and looked into the mirror.
And, oh god.
There she was.
There were stitches across her neck where it looked like someone had sewn it back on.
Her eyes were emotionless and white, staring straight into her eyes.
Clare turned around immediately, her heart pounding furiously to see that the little girl wasn't there.
It was the little girl she had been thinking about nonstop for the past few days. The one she was sure could see her from heaven, the one she was sure saw her before her head was sliced off by the seatbelt that was restraining her. The little girl that haunted her in her dreams every night, the one who had her screaming in the middle of the night sometimes, the one who had her crying and shaking uncontrollably after a particularly bad dream.
When she saw that she wasn't there, she almost felt her pulse drop to a lower rate immediately.
Leaning over the sink, she cried to herself loudly.
….
She was up late again.
She had stayed up a lot the past weeks, more as in lack of desire to sleep, rather than for fun.
But tonight it was horrible. She kept on remembering the day in the bathroom, and it scared her enough not to go to sleep tonight.
Slowly, she settled herself into bed and couldn't help but feel a nagging suspicion that someone was watching her.
…..
Oh wow. I haven't updated in forever, but I wanted to tell you I'm really gonna start taking a turn with this story, and I think Eli will be in the next chapter. I just want to tell you to review, and I would love some criticism and comments!