Chapter 7: No control

A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic.

- BPOV -

I couldn't think about the damage I had wrought on the house in my fit of rage.

I couldn't think about the epic mistakes I had made that had led me to this place.

All I could think about was the fact that Edward was gone. Worse than that - my entire family was gone.

I had nothing and no-one.

I sat tearing the earth apart as I sobbed into the ground for longer than I cared to admit, but finally I pulled myself from the ground. I wasn't sure where I could go. I only knew where I wanted to be - back in Edward's arms. I knew it was impossible though... because he was gone. I trailed back into the house, completely unaware of the fact I was adding a trail of dirt to the wounds I had already inflicted on the place that had once been my sanctuary. The place where I had been happy.

I picked up the phone - testing to see if the line was still active - worrying all the while about what I could do next. I couldn't go on without him. I knew that was an impossibility. Our lives were too tightly entwined in each other to simply extract him from myself. I had too many memories burning inside my mind – every one of the memories I had taken from my family lived alongside my own and the agony of what I had lost was a constant painful reminder. Especially because they were gone.

It took me too long to realise there was a dial-tone and I had to hang up the phone before I could call anyone. But who to call? I dialled Jacob's number. I recognised his voice the instant he picked up.

"They're gone," I whispered.

"What? Bella? Is that you?"

I couldn't answer any of his questions more than just repeating myself a little louder. "They're gone."

"Bella, what's happening? Have you put things right?"

I shook my head, moving the headset along with me. "They're gone," I repeated for the third time.

"Bella, you are starting to scare me. Is there anyone else there?"

"No," I whispered. "They're..."

Jacob cut me off. "They're gone. I get it. Do you mean they left when you arrived? Did they say anything to you? Bells, you have to tell me what's happening."

I broke down again. "They were gone. When I got here - they were gone. They've been gone a while... I don't know when they left." As I spoke my voice dropped lower and lower until it was unnaturally quite. If it had been a human on the telephone they wouldn't have heard me utter the most devastating words of all. "I don't know where they are."

"What do you need? Are you coming back here?"

"No!" I snapped suddenly. "I can't leave! What if he comes back, Jake? What if I'm not here when he comes back?"

"I'll come to you then. But I need you to stay calm."

I was stressed. Jacob could obviously hear it down the line. I panicked. Was my discomfort so obvious? Could the whole world see and feel who much pain I was in? I knew tell that despite my recent hunting trip I had depleted all my energy. I would have to hunt again - and soon. I would need to stick to the forest because I couldn't risk encountering humans in my weakened emotional state; I didn't know if I would have the resolve to avoid temptation. I listened to Jake on the other end of the phone but ignored the words he spoke. Instead, I concentrated on the consistent sounds he was making - his regular breathing and the steady thudding of his heart. I closed my eyes and tuned into those sounds, trying to use them to block out my thoughts all of which were focused on Edward. On my memories of Edward. All of my memories, even the ones from when he was human.

I vaguely heard Jacob's next words. "Bella, I've just booked my flight. It leaves in two hours. I'll be there as soon as I can."

I nodded, but didn't say anything. I gazed blindly out a window, realising that trying to notice anything else was useless because Edward's face filled my vision. I longed to see his features again, to run my finger down his cheek and whisper to him how he made me feel. I felt the phone slipping from my hand as my mind shifted into the past.

I was in a bedroom. I recognised the plain but tasteful decorations immediately. I knew the exact placement of the matching bed, chest of drawers and dresser. Each piece was veneered with sections of different woods forming neat, geometric patterns. I instantly felt at ease, knowing precisely where I was. Edward's room. The room he had lived in for seventeen years before passing away in 1918. I breathed deeply of the almost familiar scent - acknowledging but disregarding the aching burn that it caused in my throat. I had been here once before; so many years ago. I looked around and saw a past version of myself. She was now a permanent part of the events; because Edward had spoken to me. He had known I was there and I had changed history. I watched myself curiously. My eyes were cherry-red and burned brightly in terror. I knew why I was afraid and wanted to tell her it was okay. The last time I had visited this place was just after I had stolen Alice's human memories. At the time I had been so afraid of doing the same thing to Edward. I wanted to scream a warning at myself to not be so stupid.

I heard the door open and shut. I knew my other self wouldn't turn around, but I couldn't resist. I needed to see him again - even if it wasn't quite him.

"I know that you are here," Edward's human voice had nothing on the crystal clarity of his melodic vampire tones, but it made me ache for him just the same. "I just want to know who you are."

I remembered how I felt the first time I experienced this memory. Back when it belonged only to Edward; before I had intruded and made it a shared memory. A spark of hope ran through me. This was not a memory that held my name or any recognition of me. I realised that meant it was not a memory I had stolen from him. Instead it was something Edward and I shared. Something he held locked away even now - even if he didn't realise it. The thought comforted me and hurt me in equal measures.

My mind was drawn back to the Edward I had in front of me. The human version of the vampire I loved so deeply. He walked over and sat on the bed. He sighed before muttering, "Maybe they're right. Maybe I am crazy."

He bent his head into his hands and pulled his hands through his hair in a gesture familiar to my Edward. He looked so sad and broken. I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. I circled around behind him and stood next to him. I raised my hand and extended my fingers until they were almost touching his face - or would have been, if I could touch him.

I saw the confusion and pain cross the features of my past self. I desperately wanted to tell her that it would be all right. But she couldn't see me here. I wasn't part of these events. I was merely a bystander, watching as history repeated.

Edward raised his head before cocking it to the side. "See - that is what I mean. You are confused." He stood and walked around the room. "There is someone here. Who are you?"

He only stopped when he was practically on top of my past self. I could see the bloodlust raging behind her darkened irises. I knew that sensation well. In the years since this memory I had heard the term 'singer' used by nomad vampires who came to see us as a curiosity when they encountered our scents. Once it had been explained to me, I knew that without a doubt that Edward was my singer, just as I was his. I wondered, not for the first time, whether the situation would have been different if our roles had been reversed. If I had been born in first and had encountered Edward after ninety years of abstinence. Would I have been able to control my thirst? I shuddered at the thought.

I watched the back of Edward's head as he walked over to my past self. The two of them had a moment in which it was almost possible to see the electricity crack the air between them. Suddenly I was jealous. I knew that this memory would end soon and when it did she would be going back to Edward... and I would be going back to nothing.

She raised her hand until it was inches from his cheek but then let it drop. I knew it was because she was terrified of hurting him like she thought she had hurt Alice. I wanted to laugh at her stupidity. She had saved Alice from facing forever with memories that were painful and unwanted.

"What are you scared of? Who are you?" he asked. "If you'll allow me to help you, we might be able to find a way for you to cross over."

I knew this was where the memory should end so I clung tightly to the past; trying to wrap it around myself like a blanket even as my past self disappeared. I tried to manipulate it so I could steal precious seconds with Edward. I closed my eyes tightly, willing myself to stay in the past. Willing myself to stay with him. I opened one eye and then the other. I was face to face with piercing green eyes. He looked straight through me, but continued to be aware of my presence. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Edward..." I breathed. He was so close I could almost reach out and touch him.

"It's almost as if I can hear you, my angel. Speak again."

"I'm sorry. For everything I've done..." I whispered, my voice broken.

"So much regret. But why?" I knew he wasn't responding to me, only to the vague concepts he could perceive in my thoughts. My Edward had explained it to me once. After I had re-awoken his memory - or perhaps I had created it, I could never be sure - he'd told me how he'd felt when I was with him. He said it was like I was speaking to him from a dream.

Despite knowing I wasn't really talking to him, it was easy to close my eyes and push that reality away. It was easy to make myself believe that we were both really here and that I was able to apologise to him and have it mean something."Because I hurt you. Because I hurt us. We were so perfect together, but to save us I had to break us apart. And now you don't even know who I am. You don't even know what we were."

"My angel, such sorrow," his voice sounded sad for me. "Won't you tell me who you are? I just want to help."

I was tempted to raise my hands and show him everything of our life together. To show him what he meant to me so when I took his vampire memories something of me remained. I closed my eyes, preparing a series of memories. I stacked them up alongside one another, all of our life together, just like I had shown Elizabeth so she would convince Carlisle to save Edward. I raised my hand to the side of his face, the memory of that event playing in my mind. If I showed him now, he wouldn't be surprised by them on his deathbed. I would change something. I shook my head and took a step away. I couldn't risk changing that. What if I made it worse, what if Edward decided he didn't want the life I showed him now and told Carlisle not to change him. I knew my adoptive father well enough to know he would never bring anyone into this life who had specifically asked not to be.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I can feel you slipping away. Don't be afraid. You will know what to do when the time is right."

I only had enough time to say one more thing. "I love you."

I was still standing in my former home. The telephone handset stared up at me from the floor; a loud beeping indicated that Jacob had cut off the call from his end. I wasn't sure how long ago he'd done that. I tried to concentrate on the conversation we'd had before my trip to the past but I couldn't recall a single word of it. Not while Edward's human face was burned into my mind. I missed him so badly it was a physical need. A wound without a scar.

A vague recollection of the discussion with Jacob crossed my mind. He was coming here. He was coming to help me out. The only problem was I couldn't bear to be in this house of memories a moment longer than I needed to. Despite my insistence that I couldn't leave when I was on the phone earlier, I knew there was no point in staying. Edward wasn't coming back here - that much was evident by the preparations they had made to leave. I'd lived as a Cullen long enough to know the process involved with moving - and the great length they went to in order to avoid returning to familiar areas. Which made me wonder where they would go. Where they could go. I sighed, because I already knew the answer - anywhere. I knew they generally preferred to stay in the states, but there were times we when had lived overseas, and it wasn't out of the question that they would move there. My family could have moved anywhere on Earth and I would never be able to find them. I wasn't gifted like Alice. My gift was useless when it came to the future - I was relegated to living in the past.

I fell into another memory, the day we had moved into this house.

Edward covered my eyes and led me up the staircase. We were going to be in the highest room again. I learned fairly quickly that the top bedroom was always reserved for Edward - except where the view was better than any other room in the house. Then Alice got first dibs.

I felt like giggling. We moved every few years and each time Edward would go through this same routine - doing the 'big reveal' of what our bedroom looked like. There were always some common elements. There was always a bed now because, unlike when Edward was single, we had a use for it. There was always Esme's impeccable taste stamped on the room. And there was always the photo of the meadow. The one Edward had given me for my last real birthday.

I pulled back to the present. My heart, such as it was, was trying to climb out of me through my throat. The photo. I knew the damage in our bedroom was severe. I had taken out my frustration there. But I couldn't remember whether the photo had been on the wall or if it had been removed. I ran up the stairs quickly. I sighed in relief when I saw no evidence of a destroyed frame in the mess. But what a mess it was.

I began to pluck through the debris, trying to make some headway to fix the disarray in the room. A stray ray of sunlight came through the window. It glinted off my skin, which was nothing new, but it also hit my engagement ring - Edward's mother's ring - causing me to pause and stare at my hand. My insides twisted as I looked at the ring. I couldn't look at the reminder of the love Edward once had for me knowing that it was gone now and I was the reason. I slid the ring from my finger - removing it for the first time in over twenty years.

I was going to place the ring in my pocket but I noticed Edward's jewellery box at the top of the cupboard. It was always the last thing he came back for. The last thing moved - because he didn't trust putting them into storage. I flipped open the lid, wondering why he had left it now. Had everything lost value to him? Had I unwittingly stripped his faithfulness? Or had he misplaced this box and I dislodged it in my rampage? I quickly assessed the rest of the rooms and there was definitely nothing else left behind that they would usually take. I couldn't figure out why he had left it this time and debated whether to take it with me. In the end, I decided to replace it back into its hiding spot. I rifled through the box first, finding a chain for my ring before returning it. I hung the chain around my neck so that my ring would be close to my heart. I decided it would remain there until Edward was able to give it to me again - to tell me that he still loved me and forgave me for what I had done. I hoped he would understand I had done what was necessary to ensure our survival.

I took one last look around the room. It was unsalvageable. Like me. And like me, once I found everyone else we would be able to fix it. For now my time was better spent looking for Edward. I had no idea where to start but knew I had to leave anyway. I ran from the house and into the forest. My first priority was to hunt and from there I would see where the winds of fate would blow me. They had been kind enough to unite me with Edward twice before - I didn't think it was too much to hope that we would be united again. In my haste I forgot about so many things. I left the Volvo where it was, didn't look back at the house and didn't spare a second thought for Jacob.

For three months I was a nomad; wandering with no aim or purpose as I searched throughout the northern states for stories of my family - anything about a new doctor in town with his adoptive children. I drifted aimlessly from place to place becoming just another transient passing through. I never knew where I would go next. I never planned my next steps. I had thought about trying to visit Tanya's family to see if they were willing to help, but Carlisle - with a little assistance from Alice - was the one who kept track of their movements. And I wasn't sure I wanted Tanya to know that Edward was alone at the moment. She'd been nothing but nice to me on the few occasions we'd met, but Alice had told me about her prior attempts to seduce him.

Eventually, I was shattered. Emotionally and physically I was unable to search any more. Every second apart from Edward felt like a lifetime. I wondered how he had been able to stay away from me during our first separation. I knew it was only because he had thought I had moved on and was happy - but if I knew where Edward was right now there would be nothing that would stop me from rushing back into his arms. Even hiding my talent from the Volturi was not worth the agony of being away from him for a minute more. Every day that passed I hated myself and my decision a little more.

When I reached the point where I could search no further I found a remote cave in a mountain and retreated into myself. I found a place where I could find some semblance of joy - the past. I shifted back to the very beginning - to the first time I saw Edward - and watched as our life together ran on reply through my mind. When I was in the past, I could almost forget what was happening in the present. Days there felt shorter than minutes in the real world - so it was easy for weeks or months to slip by unnoticed while watching voyeuristically at my past self as she did what she did best - loved Edward. I would always come back to the present with an ache in my throat that could not be quenched. I spent day after day in the past, always surrounded by humans; I found animal blood satisfied me less and less the longer I went between feeds. Worse, my weakened state meant I began to lose control of my talent and ended up being thrown from one memory to another with no ability to select which one I would see next. I was reminded of my transition into this life - back then I had no idea how to control my ability. Now, I knew how - I just... couldn't.

I watched again and again as Edward saved me and as he fell in love with me. I watched as he left me and as he walked back into the classroom after seven years apart. I allowed the pattern to continue for too long, far too long, six months of constantly declining self-control before I finally made a decision. My first one in over nine months. I would return to Forks. I would live in my father's house and start my search again from there. I would need to get new ID's and had no idea where I would get money from, but at least I had a sense of purpose as I ran back towards the place where it had all began.