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-

I was sitting up in bed. It was about 5 in the morning and was still dark. A dull glow from my bed side lamp was the only light in the room. I was feeling like shit. My eyes were red, my head aching, body heavy and lethargic. And all I wanted to do was sleep. But I couldn't. No matter how sleepy I was I just couldn't fall. And it was starting to aggravate me, a lot.

First I had tried to read a comic. An old one, one I wouldn't be able to remember ever reading in the first place. But my mind had other thoughts. I just couldn't push them aside and concentrate. My mind kept getting side tracked… I ended up throwing the comic across the room in frustration.

Secondly I thought that washing my face, and getting something to eat would do some good. That was until I tried to get up and found myself sapped of all energy. My mind was telling my arms to push me up but the connection somewhere between my brain and arms was severed. Like a paraplegic.

And so I just lay there, in bed. My frustration and aggravation sinuously building, growing, intensifying. Being fuelled from everything going on.

Especially Summer.

We had had somewhat of a conversation with one another. But it was restrained.

Comments were guarded, thoughts not.

We both knew this. Both itching to let it all out, but for some reason we were delaying the confrontation. Time wasn't right I guess. I could see she was waiting for me to initiate it. She wasn't running from it though, like she knew she had to go through with it. Like there was no choice. I don't know what's up with that, but if that's the case, then why can't she be intrepid enough to endure what she caused.

I guess you wouldn't turn yourself in to the police after you have committed a crime.

But for now, the time wasn't right. At yesterday's breakfast I was startled, and I was concentrating on getting out of there as soon as possible. And for the later half pseudo conversation, well mum was there, and I really didn't want to cause more trouble.

I clenched my jaw as I remembered the way Summer had spoken with mum. Their whole interaction. Their body language, the way they talked to each other, sharing a blanket and all….it was too natural for my liking. How could they act so…so… I found myself tightening my hands in the bed sheets and took the opportunity to hoist myself up before the peculiar jello arms resurfaced.

And so here I am, sitting in bed wide awake, mind going crazy with thoughts. But the most domineering of thoughts was of how drastically my life has changed. How just a few days ago I was in England studying at one of the most prestige's University's in the world on a once in a life time opportunity. And now being back in Newport, back at the place I have been yearning to leave and stay left from the day I got here.

I can't help to think back to how I achieved that great offer.

The choices that I made that lead me to all these changes. The conflicts and problems produced by all these choices, and just like that my mind circles and ends up back with Summer.

God this sucks. And at this moment I have to say I hate her.

Strong word, I know.

There were some strong feelings.

I sat up in bed leaning my head against the wall and came to a resolution. It may be 5am and I may have got about 2 hours sleep but fuck it. I need to get up and stop dwelling on stuff. It's only going to get me down. I need to get something to eat or do something. I'm probably going to be dopey and look like shit today but meh, I've got reason.

20 minutes later I'm back in room. Bored and not having a clue what to do. How the fuck did I survive this place before? Can't play playstation, cause Ryan still sleeping. Can't go out to shops and buy comics. Can't watch a movie, cause it will probably wake someone, and then we will have to talk. I'd rather not. I looked around the room trying to find anything that can spark some enthusiasm. And at the far right of my desk under a pile of paper's and other rubbish my eyes catch onto large black dusty old treasure.

My sketch book.

My eyes instinctively light up as I felt that sound exuberance flutter through my body. I picked it up dusting it off slightly.

"Ohh I've missed you."

I walked over to my bed, taking a seat on the side. I opened the pages and flicked through them, scanning each and every detail. It felt weird knowing that I had done these. I had produced these things. Each picture telling its own story. I had to laugh at the fond memory's. I can remember the whole reasoning to each picture. Why Summer was dressed one of her weird vintagedresses, yet her face being the most capturing part of the picture. Why Mum and Dad where sitting across a room yet sharing a knowing glance. Why me and Summer where in two different conversations involving two separate groups of people, standing about 1 and a half metres a part, yet she was still holding onto two of my fingers.

Flicking through the last few pictures, I scratched behind me ear, knowing what I was going to do for the next few hours. At least I knew what I had in store for those few.

After those few hours I found myself malting in the bath. It was sooo relaxing and I actually fell asleep. There were these scented candles and lavender bubble bath mixture which enveloped the bathroom making it feel like I was in the Caribbean or something equally as exotic.

As I promised I made breakfast for everyone. It was around 9 after I had contained myself to my room enthusiastically drawing. It was pretty cool actually. A throw back to old times, and well, you know how much I loved those times.

Everyone was asleep when I made breakfast, so I peacefully ate by myself. I left everything covered on the stove to keep it warm. They should be wake and have eaten it by now.

So here I was, reluctantly getting out of the bubble bath drying myself getting ready for a day that will be with me for the rest of my life. Out of the shower I walked, gazing around before voices caught my attention. I heard the familiar voices of Hailey and Ryan but then I heard another. One I hadn't heard in long time. I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head.

"Hmm…so your here."

I continued to my room quickly dressing, checking myself in the mirror constantly shifting my shirt, checking on the hem of my pants. Now I think I am starting to get a picture of how it is for girls. I sighed once again. I was really starting to dread this. My mood from the bubble bath was sailing in a clear descent. I didn't really care how I looked. As long as I didn't look totally scrubby I was fine. I checked my myself once more in the mirror. Yup, I am really starting to dread this, and it's growing exponentionally.

I went to the bathroom for one last check. I did my hair, it only takes a sec. Surprising yea? I then made my way down the stairs to the kitchen. I stopped at the bottom, letting the familiar welcoming voices float over me. Ryan was there, Hailey…and Summer…

She is everywhere.

I turned right from the bottom of the stairs and walked stealthily to the end of the walk way that leads to the family room. I stood there leaning against wall.

They were all thick in conversation, talking normally as if they weren't going to be wiping tears from their eyes in a few hours. As if they weren't going to be racked with grief and sorrow for the rest of the day, week.

Fuck today is going to be hard. But I'm going to do this. I can get through this. And I will.

The only thing I am concerned about is this. If everyone has someone. It's plain stupid to think you can deal by yourself. You need someone.

Just for the company.

You don't have to talk, you don't have to touch, you just need their presence.

I am fine by myself. I have learned how to deal solo. Whether I was successful, well, that's another story.

I bite on my bottom lip. Fuck. I really don't want to do this alone though…

"Hey Seth." A beaming young child stood directly in front of me.

I squinted for a moment trying to remember the boy's name. "Ohh, hey Joshua." I whispered back.

The boy regarded me for a second sensing something was up. "What are you doing?"

"Uh, I'm just hanging out. You know, gathering myself." How did he find me? What's up with my stealth lately?

"How do you gather yourself?"

"Ssshhh, we don't want to disturb anyone." He nodded back in understanding, moving over to my side to be more discreet. "Um, gathering myself. Well I breathe in and out, cycle through thoughts, and that's basically all.

"Ohh okay. Cool. So are you coming into the kitchen? Or are you going to continue to gather yourself?" The way he said it, so earnestly like it was so important, I couldn't stop the escape of a tiny laugh at how weird it sounded.

Huh I laughed…

"Well, I think I'm going to hang out here for a while."

"Okays."

I slid down the wall into a sitting position resting my arms on my knees as Josh started to make his way into the kitchen.

"Wait Joshua." He stopped instantly turning around. "Can you do me a favour please." He nodded obediently. "Can you not tell anyone that I am here, or that you saw me at all?"

He nodded again. He put his hand up to signal a high five. I happily complied.

I sat there for a few moments trying to gather my thoughts till it happened. Again. Just like on my first night back. My mind starts swirling, the emotions swimming vicariously throughout my body. I lean my head back.

I sigh deeply. Frustrated. Especially at how easy is it, how vulnerable I am. I know the cure but am so reluctant to use it.

And I come to a conclusion. This will be the second and last time I am resorting to this. I get up and start making my way back up stairs to my room.

I sigh once again while trudging my way back to my room. Look what you're doing to me Summer.

A couple minutes later and I am back down stairs walking in to the kitchen looking relaxed and unfazed.

"Hey people." I said comfortably stopping at the kitchen bench.

"Morning." Hailey said. I looked over seeing her seated at the eating table. Summer was seated next to her but I was careful to not make eye contact.

"Hey man." Ryan said taking a seat at the kitchen bench.

I acknowledged Ryan with a nod. "Where is mum?"

"Uh, I'm not sure."

An awkward silence then enveloped us. I just waited it out not want to be the centre of attention, as per usual.

The silence lingered for a while before Hailey had enough. "So..." She pursued her lips together trying to figure out something to say. She raised her eyebrows turning her head to face me once she thought of something. "Thanks for breakfast. It was really good."

I shrugged modestly. "Well I had to learn to cook when I was away. Hopefully that was accomplished."

"Well I think it was very much accomplished. In fact I think you should do this every morning."

I looked at her sceptically for a moment. "Thank you again, on that first part."

"Yeah thanks for breakkie again man." Ryan said calmly.

"Thank you Seth. It was very nice." Summer hastily got in. I looked over at her before thinking, but her head was dipped, I think reading something.

There was another awkward silence.

Damn, where is Joshua when you need him.

"So what about the second part." Hailey proclaimed once again annoyed from the silence.

It took me a moment to figure what she was talking about.

I looked at her blandly. "Just like you Hailey." I playfully let an over exaggerated breath free while shaking my head. "I do something nice and you just want to take advantage of it." I sighed menacingly.

"Yup. Just with the taking." Ryan jumped in, turning around to face her.

I looked at Ryan giving him a little nod. "That's right huh Ryan." Again with the exaggerated. "That's how she is." Adding a nod to complete it.

"We should just call that a Hailey from now on." Ryan added.

I looked at him trying to figure out what he was on about, but decided to just go with it. Ryan still wasn't too good with this stuff.

Hailey looked at us mildly bewildered but more unpleased. "What are you idiots talking about. Are guys are on drugs. Seth I thought you told me weren't on coke."

I pretended to not here the last part. "Yeah that would be right. She's lost too. Doesn't have a clue." I turned to Ryan feigning the gossiping guy. "She's a tad slow. All the drugs from Europe etc. She's been around the block, you know how it is. That's why she is asking us if were on drugs. Its cause she wants them." I dipped my head doing the disappointed head shake.

I glanced up after a moment to see her reaction. Yes!

She looked over at summer saying, "What's with people saying that today." Summer just smiled coyly, her head dipped.

Hailey sat up straight returning her glance back at me. "Well Seth, I would –

"La-la la-la laaaa." Came the voice of Joshua as he came trotting into the kitchen causing Hailey to immediately stop what she was going to say.

"Hey buddy." I leaned down to pick him up, placing him on the kitchen bench.

"Allo, Seth."

"What's up?"

"I didn't tell anyone." He proclaimed proudly.

"Ohh really? Cool. Thankyou very much. And remember you still can't tell anyone. Its our little secret." He nodded again obediently.

At that moment came Marissa strutting into the kitchen. "Hey everyone the cars are here." She said softly before noticing me.

I moved over taking her in a big hug. "I'm sorry Seth." She said in a sincere tone. I lean back from the hug looking her over. She looks the exact same.

"Its good to see you." It is. She has a welcoming and warm persona. She is easy to talk to always trying to make things comfortable. Once she got over her little troublesome phase, she and I became friends. Remember that time I went to her for help years ago when I came back from Portland and Summer was with Zach, how I met up with her at her house. That's the type of friendship we had. It's pretty cool. I'm glad she is back.

Mum now came walking into the kitchen, and yeah, not looking to good. But you could tell she was okay to some degree.

Seeing her like that, the impact it has on me, yeah … my mood plummeted.

"So uh guys, the two cars are here. They're waiting outside."

Seeing me, she came over to me and engulfed me in a wordless hug.

"So, is everyone ready to go?" She asked looking over at everyone.

Everyone answered back some form of "yeah."

"So what's the seating arrangements. Who goes in which car?" Hailey inquired.

"Well, I don't think it really matters." Kirsten replied.

"How about us guys go in one and you girls go in the other?" Ryan suggested.

"Uh, why? You guys worried we will bother you." She looked expectantly at Ryan. "Well we have a reason. You guys should be taking care of us, not isolating us, leaving us by our selves."

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "It just seemed logical to me. That's all."

"We're waffles." Silence. "We stick together."

Mum just looked at me mystified. Hailey let out a chuckle and I heard the distinct sound of a melody that hadn't graced my ears in years.

I looked over at Summer, watching her laugh. She wasn't returning my glance for which I was grateful for. My gaze lingered on her. After dreaming about that smile, that laugh, for so many years, I guess there are just some things you can't hate. They're just too beautiful.

My thoughts were interrupted as Mum told everyone to get going. Me, Joshua and Ryan trailed after the girls, locking up the house and getting into our car.

-

The ceremony was a blur. A whisper of haze in my memory. I don't know why, but I agree with how it went. Just something to surpass, get over. I will say good bye in my own way when I feel it necessary. But the event was not without wavering feelings and emotions displayed.

I took my seat wriggling to find a comfortable position, placing my hands on my lap. I look around gazing at the people, half of whom I don't even know. My glance lands on mum, Hailey then Summer. She had been looking at me, watching what I was doing before my glance fell on her. She gave me a small comforting smile before I let my eyes search other areas.

A person in some unusual clothing, robes, went up to the podium and started a speech. I drifted off….

I came too when Hailey went to the podium. Gathering herself, tucking hair behind her ear, she started with a speech. It was a nice speech. Very Hailey esque. Laid back, truthful and warm.

I liked it.

Sooner then I wanted, her speech finished, which meant it was time for me to give mine. I walked up in attempted composure, which was so forged I just dropped the whole act before I got to the podium. I took a breath pulling out the post it from my pocket.

I prefer speeches to be spontaneous and natural. It gives a much more heart felt nature to it. I only jotted down a few points in case I got stumped.

I cleared my voice, closing my eyes for a moment taking a deep breath. I stumbled, trying to think of a poignant way to start before arriving a setting off.

"My buddy."

"My friend."

"My hero."

"My dad…"

And the rest flowed on.

-

It was deathly silent when I finished. My eyes were glued to the back of the temple. I waited a sec, stealing the moment to encase in my memory. I didn't dare look at my mum. Moving from the podium I kept my eyes on the floor, slowly trudging back to my seat. The squeaking noise that arose from my foot steps on the wooden floor boards resonated throughout, encumber me even further.

The robed man took place at the podium once more, continuing proceedings.

-

And then it was time. The last time I would see my dad every again. The realisation of that thought hit me hard. I didn't even have time to process the thought before I found myself in the origins of a panic attack. I hadn't really thought about it that much. My mind had been else where. It had been for the last couple of years. As my memory tip-toed over images and incidents, both good and bad, reminiscing forgotten weight, my body started to ease from the panic attack. I didn't realise at the time, but it did.

Then everyone stood up and motions made way. I swallowed, finally making my way. My glance fell on him. And stuff started.

My throat constricted, my head felt light. I tried to swallow, but it felt like there was a plug lodged at the bottom of my throat. I sobbed out loudly. I was starting to breakdown. A single tear escaped, gliding down my cheek. I didn't even think about wiping it away. I was just starting to feel dizzy, thinking I might pass out when I felt a small soft warm hand slide into mine, grabbing on tightly. By nature I knew straight away whose hand it belonged too. I turned my head to see summer standing next to me facing my father. She looked sombre and her eyes were slightly wet.

I realised I was still holding her hand, so I wryly started to remove it from her grasp. I somehow managed a sob while doing so, and another tear escaped. My hand was almost free from her when another sob escaped.

She looked up at me. In a weird mixture of stern and sorrow, that only summer can pull off she said, "Cohen, stop being a hero."

She took hold of my hand again. I let her. My hand was limp, even though she was holding on safely.

I couldn't do this alone. After all that has happened to me in the last few years, I hadn't learned a thing. Still trying to do the exact same as before. Coming to terms with it wasn't my problem. Acting on them was.

It seemed like I could squander any self pain. It is a trained quality from youth. Growing up in Newport will do that to a kid.

But for now I knew I can't do this alone. I need her. But at least I could take solace in something. That I did not want her help. It was not my choice. I still had that. And that was one thing she could not steal from me.

But my mind turbulently falls from one direction to another knowing that satisfaction is never met on this account. And I come to a conclusion based on this – Needing her isn't any better…

So my conclusion? Fuck it, it's just for now. Just for this one thing now. Only now. I just need her for now.

Yeah… those sound like famous last words.

And so here I am clutching her hand tightly now, biting my bottom lip as tears flood my eyes. I say my final good bye, then turn around and start walking out the temple. I wipe away the stray tears with the back of my left hand, as my right grasps even tighter onto Summer's. I can feel the warmth of her body as she walks achingly close to me, and I relax. I take a breath.

Its over.

-

When we got home it was eerie. Everyone was mixed up in their thoughts. It was very quite, with Hailey and Ryan going to get Coffee, Summer went off to my parents bedroom, Josh trampled on to the family room taking a seat on the ground square in the middle, and mum went outside sitting lonesomely by the pool. I couldn't be stuffed moving so I sat on the closest sofa available from when I walked through the door.

We were just taking a break, a breather. The caterers would be here soon, and then we have play our parts…

And it's just past midday.

It's been a weighty morning with plenty travelling through my mind.

So these are my thoughts. Pretty messed up huh. Thoughts flying through, coming in one direction and leaving in tangents. Nothing going straight, nothing clear, everything questioned, and everything revolving around her.

Not much made sense?

Yeah for me either…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I walked through the Cohen living room, my nose catching a delicious scent that arose from the direction of the kitchen.

I walked in to discover breakfast made. All sorts for things were made, different types of pancakes, eggs, sausages etc. It was something bright in an otherwise certain gloomy day.

It was kinda random finding breakfast made for the house, but no one was even awake, well it seemed like no one was awake. It's like there was a breakfast fairy who made it, then disappeared.

I took a seat after getting a cup of coffee. I sat there picking at some random food thinking about the past week and the weeks to come.

So Seth and I had finally held a conversation. Yea it was really fun…

It was bad. Real bad. He didn't even look at me. I take a moment as an involuntary sigh escaped.

I know this may sound weird, but it looked like he had sorta sealed the box on me. Like he had come to some sort of conclusion that to him, I no longer exist. That I mean absolutely nothing, I was just a loose bit of string that needed to be cut off. I was weighing him down.

I know we ended things on a bad note, really bad note, but… - I don't know. Whatever happens happens. I guess I probably deserve it.

I shake my head cringing at how immaturely I acted, how childish and most of all how unfairly. God, it was so unfair to him what I did. And the whole time we knew it, we just didn't acknowledge it. Our communication eroded, finally ceasing.

And now we are going to have to talk. Have the talk.

And there is no way I am initiating it. Stuff that.

Would you turn yourself in to the police after you've robbed a jewellery store?

But ill wait, he can start it. I can practically picture it, with him giving me a sign, we would both know. The sign would be a small reserved gesture. No words needed. Then it would be on.

I was still snacking on some food when Hailey came in.

"Morning." Hailey blandly said.

"Mmm." I mumbled back.

"You ready for today?" She reached in the fridge taking out the orange juice filling a glass.

"Nopes."

"Yeah, me either." She placed the juice back in the fridge.

"How can you be ready for a day like this?"

"You can't. You just gotta wing it. Deal with it how it comes. Be there for the ones you love." She moved over taking a seat next to me at the table. "That's what I've learnt from my last two experiences."

"Wing it." I smiled sadly at her. "Really, some great advice." It was hollow and I'm not even sure why I said it.

Hailey raised an eyebrow, but her voice was still sympathetic. "Sweetie, don't shoot down what's free."

I raised an eyebrow in return. "There's a reason why it's free."

Hailey just shrugged. "Its advice. Don't as you want with it."

I leant back in my chair crossing my legs. "I know. I'm sorry. I asked for your advice and thank you for it." My eyes searched over the table cloth. "So today, it's going to be quite long."

Hailey picked at a few breakfast selections before taking a few, stacking them on her plate.

"Yup. Another chapter in our lives."

"This may sound insensitive, but I'm hoping to get this day over with, finish this chapter."

"Nah, it's okay. I get you." She took a bite from a pancake. "But I think this may take more then one chapter. It's looking kinda long. Can't fit everything in."

"Greeeeat."

Hailey looked over at me, her chewing slowing. "Something tells me this is more then just the preceding soon to come."

I looked at her blankly. "Whatever."

She let out a tiny chuckle. It was a little huff of breath that was whisked with arrogance.

I raised my eyebrow at her unpleased, knowing what she was going on about. But I was just too frustrated to snark at her. "Arghh." I looked back at the patronizing table clothe trying to find the right words. "You know when you're really frustrated, you just want to scream? Like climb onto a rooftop and - "

"Scream your heart out?"

I looked at her again, a slight smile on my lips. "Yea. That."

"Uh huh. I know what you mean." She said smoothly. "Been there done that."

I laughed. "Really? Where?" Doing something like that was always something you imagined, but never really attempted to do. You had the 2 minutes of escaping what you were doing and revelling in how it would feel. I always thought it was thinking how it would feel that would calm you down.

Who actually goes and tries it?

"I actually can't remember where exactly, but it was somewhere in Italy." Her face contorted in concentration. "We got stuck on the roof of this shop, and ended up sleeping the night there."

"We were very frustrated." Hailey added as an afterthought.

I laughed slightly at her random story. "Hail's. Drugs are bad."

Her unadorned glance made me smile menacingly at her.

Marissa came walking into the kitchen. "Hey peeps." She moved over taking a seat at the table, her eyes surveying the selection of food. "Wow what's all this?"

"It is something called breakfast." I said condescendingly, before shaking my head and laughing at how stupid I am.

"Thankyou Sum." Marissa replied, returning my condescending tone with a playful slap to the shoulder.

Hailey laughed. "She's being weird this morning." Pretending to whisper to Marissa as if I wouldn't be able to hear her.

"She's been weird these last couple of days." Marissa added.

I got huffy and waited a moment till I could see Hailey was going to say something so I could interject. "La La La La… I'm right here." Yes! Good timing.

But Hailey just waited a few secs before continuing with what she was going to say. "I thinks it's because of a certain some -"

"- La La La La." I interrupted again."

"Someone-." She shot in.

"Laaaa."

"Just-"

"Laa."

"Came."

"Laaa."

"Back."

"Laaaa Laaa. I hate you all."

"Peculiar one this one." Hailey stated.

"Whateva. I still hate you all." Upon hearing the unmistakeable sound of Joshua entering I said. "My little Josh is the only one I like. We are best friends and I don't need you guys."

Hailey shrugged amusedly while Marissa rolled her eyes in the same amused fashion.

"Isn't that right Josh." He came bouncing in, coming straight to me. I lifted him onto my lap, setting him down in a comfortable position.

He smiled gleefully. "I have a secret." He announced.

"Ohh cool. Tell me. Cause you know, since we are best buddies and all." I said smiling obnoxiously at both Hailey and Marissa.

But Josh simply replied back. "Nopes. Cant." Before leaping off me to run away, disappearing into the vast amounts of space this mansion contained.

"Cool best friend you got there." Marrisa said in fake Ernest.

I shrugged indifferently shoving a muffin in my mouth.

A nice calming silence arose, and I wished it lasted for the rest of the day.

"So….everyone all ready to leave soonish?" Ryan came quietly into the kitchen. None of us even realised he was there till he spoke up.

We all looked at him strangely, Hailey gave him a pffh to go with the look.

"What are you pffhing about." Ryan now returning our strange glance.

Hailey just blatantly said. "You're a weirdo."

Marissa continued after Hailey. "Who sneaks up on a group of girls like that at a time like this."

Ryan shrugged not caring a single bit at what was just said. "Where is Seth and Kirsten?"

"Haven't seen Seth this morning, but seeing as though there is a banquet on the table," waving a hand demonstratively at the food, "I think its safe to say that he is awake." Hailey reported.

"Kirsten was still getting ready when I saw her just before." Marissa said gently. "I'll go check on her." She walked out of the kitchen in the direction the room.

We fell into some harmless chitter chatter before Seth came strutting into the kitchen, looking a little too relaxed for my liking. I don't know why I thought that, but I just did. And it seemed effortless, like he was naturally relaxed, breathing normally.

I laid low out of the conversations, just not wanting attention. I payed attention to what was being said though, snickering when the boys made fun of Hailey. I should have backed her up, but then I would lose that path to use on Hailey. So I let it slide.

As conversation continued Marissa made her way back in to the kitchen. I watched her and Seth's interaction, and how they hugged. Like they were good friends. So comfortable with each other. Their communication, and body language.

I wished that I could hug and comfort Seth.

Shortly after Marissa came in Kirsten followed. Seth's composure vanished along with her arrival.

More conversation continued, discussing the protocol of people in funeral cars.

"So what's the seating arrangements. Who goes in which car?" Hailey inquired.

"Well, I don't think it really matters." Kirsten replied.

"How about us guys go in one and you girls go in the other?" Ryan suggested.

"Uh, why? You guys worried we will bother you." She looked expectantly at Ryan. "Well we have a reason. You guys should be taking care of us, not isolating us, leaving us by our selves."

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "It just seemed logical to me. That's all." He shrugged

And then of course Seth had to put in his two cents. "We're waffles." Silence. "We stick together."

I couldn't help but laugh. I never could. In any circumstance he could always do that.

I could feel the heat of his gaze. It slowly burned away at me, and I ached to return it. But I couldn't. Just out of fear, I couldn't. Fear of what they would say to me. What they would express. He's probably thinking how much better it would be without me here. Wishing I wasn't here. That I would leave and get the fuck away from his family.

My thoughts were interrupted as Kirsten told everyone to get going. Me, Hailey, Marissa and Kirsten left first, leaving the boys to lock up the house.

-

Funerals. I have never been a fan of them. No one ever is. Always loathed them. They are just too sad for me. People all crying, hearts breaking, and just and all round misery contaminated ambience.

And this funeral wasn't going to be any different.

I looked around the temple, checking out the people around. I barely knew half of them. I glanced moved around finally landing on (surprise..) Seth. I looked at him studying his face and I could tell a war was raging inside him. I sighed in gated frustration. I felt…. I felt… I don't know. I just wish things were different, and that I wasn't such a bitch way back when we went our separate ways.

I saw him look at Kirsten and Hailey. Realising that he was going to look at me next I kept my gaze stable, releasing a comforting smile when he did glance at me. He instantly looked away.

The ceremony commenced when a dude in robes went up and claimed the podium.

Time went past as things were read out and speeches exuded.

Hailey's speech was extremely endearing. She understood the way Sandy would have liked the speech's to be. It was on the same level of a speech as the one sandy read at Caleb's Funeral.

Then it was time for Seth's speech. He looked beyond nervous. And I'm sure the crispy tension in the air did not help.

But he has a way with words.

He's walk back to his seat would have been daunting beyond imagination. It's those fucking floor boards…

I didn't have a clue what was going on, but everyone got up and motions made way. I looked ahead to Cohen. He looked like he was about to faint. I could tell. He was starting to lose his balance, trying to swallow constantly, his skinned turned a slightly paler. Before I knew what I was doing I went up and slide my hand into his. I was just waiting for him to pull his hand away in disgust, but it never happened, instead, he grabbed on tightly, securely. I dared not to look at him. I kept my eyes firmly on Sandy. I closed my eyes for a moment saying my good by to him.

A second later I felt Seth's hand start to loosen from my grip. I still held on tightly though, in my usual stubborn way. He then started to use his other hand to peel off my fingers, one at a time. I felt the emotion starting to rise and get control of me but a sob from Seth doused the heat. I looked up at him, seeing a straggling tear on his cheek while he sobbed again. I couldn't help but empathise.

He was trying to do this alone.

What an idiot.

"Cohen, stop being a hero."

I took a hold of his hand, more securely this time, once again lacing my fingers with his. He didn't fight, and seemed as though he resigned to needing my help. At least it's a step.

I looked up at him for moment. He seemed to be lost in his mind. Probably some huge monologue battling the idea of me helping him.

Maybe it's not a step…

My eyes were still trying to read him when another tear slipped out. I took a deep breathe as so many emotions swarmed me.

This poor sweet boy.

He turned around, his hand grabbing mine even tighter, and we made our way down towards the exit of the temple.

-

When everyone got home it was eerie. Both cars arrived at the same time.

I wished they hadn't. The same people went in the same cars again.

As soon as everyone got into the house, we all dispersed in separate directions. I'm not sure where everyone ended up because I made my way to Kirsten's room. As soon as I got there I went to the bathroom inspecting myself in the mirror, looking on fiercely with criticizing eyes.

And I burst into tears. They just streamed out uncontrollably.

I moved over taking a seat on the toilet seat cover, my hands shaking. I didn't even try to wipe the tears away.

After a few moments I tried to gather myself. "Fuck Summer. Come on. Your Okay." I took a few large breaths. "Come on Girl. Your stronger then this."

It hard.

So fucking hard seeing the ones you love, in absolute misery. Their soul's torn, shredded. Hearts burning, stomachs churning, head feeling like its going to burst.

And to be there watching their every move, every feeling, and not being able to do anything. Rended helpless. You just want to do something, anything, but cant.

But what's killing me the most, is that around a year ago… I hurt Seth this badly.

-

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