- Chapter 7: Self-Control and the Lack Thereof -

When he was a boy, Felix was taught about the afterlife. People who did good things while they were alive were brought to a place of unsurpassed happiness and relaxation. People who did evil things while they were alive went to a place of bitter torment and suffering. Later in life, he began to wonder if there was a place for people who tried their best but tended to ruin the lives of everyone they got close to. And if there wasn't, then which of the two afterlifes did people like him go to?

Such thoughts didn't cross his mind often; Felix wasn't the sort to give much thought to the hereafter. But seeing as he was now dead(even if he were willing to lay odds on his surviving the ship crash and escaping the enormous beast that was after them, he knew he would have drowned in the freezing Proxian waters), his most immediate concern was whether he was in heaven or hell.

The case for the hell side was pretty good. Every inch of his body throbbed with pain and weariness. His teeth felt like someone had been trying to pull them out for the past several hours, and he could taste blood pooled all around his gums. Every breath tore at his chest from the inside, as though he had broken ribs. He could feel a foreign object lodged in his right leg, and his knuckles felt as though they'd been shredded up, probably from punching Agatio so hard. On top of all that, it was damn cold.

There was only one piece of evidence supporting his being in heaven, but it was a doozy. Karst lay on her side beside him, watching him with a lazy expression on her face. Her clothes and hair were lightly soaked, and her resulting appearance more than toed the line of decency. He found his eyes trailing first over her bosom, then her legs.

"Good to see that you're finally awake," she remarked. "But you might want to wipe off that drool."

He promptly looked away and wiped at his mouth. A crimson stain was left on his glove. He stared at it. "That's not drool; it's blood."

"It's an expression," she sighed. "Or are you still delirious?"

"Could be." He kept staring at his blood. "So you died too? Or are you just...?"

"A demon," she smirked. "Here to torment you." She seized his bloodstained hand and jerked him up to a sitting position. He screamed as the object in his leg shifted. Now that he was sitting up, he could see that it was a shard of timber... from the ship.

I'm alive.

"Shit!" He yanked his hand out of her grip. "Why the hell didn't you pull that out?"

"Do I look like a healer to you?" she snapped back. "I didn't want to hurt your leg worse than it already is."

"It's not fucking alchemy! Just pull it straight out!"

"You do it!"

"What, did you pull out your own splinters in your family!"

He took a breath, struggling to calm himself. Yelling wasn't the way to get something, not even from Karst, and she obviously just wanted to help. Forcing himself to look past his frustration, he said, "I can use psynergy to heal myself, but not until you pull that thing out. I swear I won't blame you if you hurt me. ...Please."

She looked at him - not in his eyes, but at his leg. For once, she looked... afraid.

Then with a deep breath, she took hold of the shard of wood - Felix clenched his eyes shut in anticipation - and yanked it out. Felix cursed again, and yanked the leg close to his chest. Calming himself once more, he concentrated on his injury, letting the power of psynergy flow into it.

"You might want to heal your face, too," Karst suggested. "Agatio's fist did a number on it. Wouldn't want you to go from ruggedly handsome to just rugged."

She was probably right, but the first thing on his mind was, "Where's Jenna?"

Karst shook her head. "I think I saw her swimming for the surface, but I couldn't keep an eye on her and drag your carcass out of there at the same time. She may have been able to use her psynergy to keep herself from freezing, but there's a good chance she's joined the Great Clan of Fallen Warriors."

"If she was strong enough not to black out when she hit the water, she's strong enough to have made it out alive."

"...Sure. I'll go with that."

Looking around, Felix saw that they were sitting on a stretch of hardened snow and ice. Not that far from them was a pool of water as wide as a house. Leaning over it, he could see from his reflection that his face was indeed a mess. The blood smeared all over was mostly from wounds elsewhere, but the lumps on his forehead and cheeks were definitely swelling.

While he concentrated his psynergy on fixing the problem, he remarked, "You don't sound the same when you're not involved in a fight. You talk almost like a whole 'nother person."

"So do you."

He flashed her a look. "How?"

"You've stopped boasting. You sound like you actually care about other people, not just proving yourself." She cocked her head. "Maybe the only reason you boast is because you figure the tougher your rep, the less likely people will try to hurt the people you care about."

"Nice theory. I wouldn't bet on it, though." The healing done, he splashed some freezing water on his face to wash the blood off. "Where are we, anyway?"

"A cavern," she shrugged. "I just kept swimming up, thinking I'd hit the surface. Which I guess I did, only it was that surface," she said, pointing to the pool Felix was washing himself in.

He frowned. "So... an above-ground cavern with an underwater entrance? What kind of animal hunts in the water but makes its home on dry snow?"

"Does it have to be an animal that made it? Couldn't it just be here naturally?"

"How? How could nature drill a hole in the underside of a chuck of ice, instead of just wearing it down evenly?"

She tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Use your head, Felix. Alchemy has probably been doing some strange things since you lit the lighthouses. We can't assume Mother Nature is her usual self anymore."

Felix got to his feet, rubbing his face to soften the biting chill left by the water. "I guess it doesn't matter, does it... Unless we find a way out of here, we'll starve if nothing else."

"You think I haven't been looking for a way? You just washed yourself in this cave's only way out. Sure, it's the same way we came in, but we had buoyancy on our side then." She paused, then let out a short laugh. "At least there's a silver lining. Whatever happens to us, two of my sister's killers are dead and gone."

"What are you talking about?" he said, a mix of dread, anger, and shame already churning in his heart at Karst's words. "You didn't see what happened to them... did you?"

"I don't need to have seen. I..." She stopped and laughed again. "That's right, you didn't see exactly what I did to Isaac, did you? My scythe went right through his heart. Agatio brained Garet with one of those crates."

A cold chill went through his heart. "You're lying," he said, stepping towards Karst. "They can't be dead."

"Neither of them would have stood a chance without proper care - certainly not Isaac," she went on, ignoring him completely. "Already on the brink of death, I doubt they even regained consciousness before they drowned. And no one to save them but Jenna, who had her hands full just saving herself. It's really a pity you stopped me from extracting my final justice from Isaac, but dead is dead. I'm sure Menardi would have -"

"You murdering bitch!" He punched her with a full strength right hook, knocking her to the icy, and fell upon her, hands grasping her throat. "They did nothing wrong, damn you! Nothing!" She struggled to get out from under him, to no avail. "I'll kill you! I'll..."

"Go ahead... and do it," Karst gasped out through her strangled windpipe. "Already have... everything I... wanted. Prox saved... Isaac dead. ...I lose... nothing..."

He glared at her, the rage within him demanding her death, but his hands unwilling to do the job. And as she spoke, he felt his breathing slowing, calming. The rage faded, not all at once, but swiftly enough. His fingers left her throat, and he stepped away from her, trembling.

He let out a shuddering breath. "...It's... it's hypocritical of me, isn't it? I mean, I forgave you for trying to kill Isaac... It was wrong, but I can understand why you would do that. I'd have done the same thing if Agatio killed Jenna. So why should I be so mad at you now just because you succeeded?" He laughed, but even to him it sounded hollow. Isaac, Garet, Piers, and Agatio... they're all gone. Dead. And I...

"You-" Karst coughed. "You blame yourself, don't you? As though it was your scythe that cut Isaac down, your attack which left the two of them for dead." She shook her head. "Don't kid yourself, Felix. It was all me. You're innocent."

"Innocent?" He looked away from Karst. Right now, he felt too ashamed to face anyone. "I let everyone down. My... my stupid optimism, thinking you'd changed your mind about Isaac, was what let you get at him and Garet. And then, when I confronted you... I lost control." The memory of what he'd done in the fight with Agatio was hitting him now, all of it falling together into a inescapable condemnation, an irrefutable proof of his guilt. "That voice I heard, calling my name over and over while I was beating Agatio... that was Jenna screaming at me to stop, wasn't it? In that fight I let loose a side of myself I swore I'd never let her or Sheba or my parents see. Gods... what must that have been like for her, seeing her own brother act like that? Then I followed that up by turning my feelings for you... into a betrayal to all of them."

After a moment of silence, Karst said, "Why tell me this? I'm not interested in your guilt."

"What you did is forgivable. You did it for love of your sister. What I did... I did out of lack of self-control."

"Self-control." She shook her head. "Just a word for being too weak and afraid to let people see who you really are. I never thought you would fall into that pitiful web of lies, Felix."

"It's not about being afraid. Jenna didn't deserve to have to see me that way."

He risked a glance back at Karst, and noticed blood running down her chin from a split lip. From when he'd punched her, he realized.

He stepped towards her. "What are you staring at?" she demanded.

"Here, let me take care of that..." He touched the cut briefly to indicate what he meant. She showed no negative reaction, so he concentrated his psynergy on healing the cut. "You... saved my life back there, didn't you? Why did you do that?"

She wiped her fingers over her lips, as though she didn't trust that he had actually healed her. "Honestly? I just grabbed the first person I saw who I didn't want to die. But I do have something I want to ask you. Did you help kill my sister?"

"Before you were sure I couldn't have done it. What changed your mind?" He figured he already knew the answer, but he was curious as to what she'd say.

"You've proved yourself by lighting Mars Lighthouse. You couldn't have defeated my sister all by yourself, but you could have helped."

"Didn't think you'd give an honest answer." Before she could attempt a retort, he answered, "I was there when Menardi was killed. I did nothing."

"You're not even going to make an excuse?"

He shrugged. "Saturos and Menardi wouldn't let Sheba go. Isaac and Garet wouldn't let us light the lighthouses. I wasn't sure which side I wanted to win. And even if I had the courage to step in and try to stop the fight, I know your sister would never listen."

"Why does that little blonde brat mean so much to you?"

"She didn't deserve to be dragged into it. That's all."

Karst folded her arms. "For that, you let my sister be killed?"

"I'm just explaining myself, not saying what I did was right. It wasn't a choice that I gave a lot of thought to; there wasn't time." He sighed. "If you're looking for another target for your vengeance, I'm a good pick. But we should focus on getting out of here and helping the others first."

An odd look darkened her face, as though his suggestion caused her some sort of disappointment. "I told you, there's no way out."

"We can at least try swimming."

She snorted. "Maybe you're in a hurry to get yourself drowned, but I'm not." She put a hand to his cheek and looked into his eyes. "You see, there's a second reason I saved your life."

Trapped in her captivating gaze, and bewildered at least as much by her peculiar manner as he was by her enigmatic words, Felix could only ask, "What?"

Karst leaned forward, and for the next few seconds he was only aware of the sensation of her warm lips locked onto his. While this had happened once before mere hours ago, in his delirious state that had seemed like a dream, and more importantly, Karst had not been the aggressor. Without conscious thought, he responded, clutching her to him and kissing back as he'd often fantasized of doing.

At some point he became aware that he was now on his back, with Karst on top of him, her hands pulling open his vest.

"H-hey!" He grabbed her arms and pushed her as far off as he could, though she remained seated on his waist. "What the hell is this?" he demanded.

A smirk played on her face. "Don't play innocent, Felix. I could see in your eyes when you woke up that you wanted this."

He blushed. "I'm more confused that you would want this."

"When we met again, in Madra, I thought I sensed a... raw animal fury burning inside you," she said, stroking his jaw with a finger. "It was just a feeling, and you seemed to prove me wrong at Jupiter Lighthouse. There, you were nothing more than a normal man. But today, when you fought Agatio..." She drew a breath. "...you were amazing. That was what I wanted. And since we don't have any reason to fight each other for the moment, this is as good a time as any to have you. Now, enough talk."

She resumed her assault, and with his only doubt answered, he saw no reason not to respond in kind. He helped her pull off his vest and then eagerly caressed her body, fingers occasionally pressing at the edges of her clothing as he worked up the courage to disrobe her.

Sweet Mars. Somehow I always believed I could make this happen, but I never would have thought it'd be this easy. No having to go through the awkward romance and courting... Just what comes naturally.

As wonderful and astounding as it was, it made sense in retrospect. He'd always suspected that Karst would hate a conventional courtship as much as he would, so it wasn't far-fetched that she would sense that he felt the same way and would accept her advance.

Not that the sense in it mattered to him. He was too busy busy enjoying the sensations and urges that threatened to overwhelm him. Soft skin and hard, smooth scales. Icy ground pleasantly stinging at his back. Crimson hair spilling onto the side of his face. The ferocity of her moves, as though they were fighting once again. The liberation of knowing that he didn't need to be gentle either.

It was all what he'd yearned for, if not more. But a thread of guilt kept pulling at him. He made an effort to ignore it, but the thread thickened into a cord, jerking at his heart. And imposed over Karst's lust-filled eyes appeared the images of Isaac and Garet. And Sheba's proud face, shaking her head in disapproval.

With a deep inward groan, he pushed Karst off of him again. "No." She looked baffled, and he added, "We can't do this."

Karst scowled. "What do you mean, we can't? We're fucking doing it now."

She started pulling off her shirt. Alarmed, he scooted out from under her and grabbed his vest. "Look, just... Think a moment, will you? This is fucking messed up. You just killed my friends, I just beat your friend to a pulp, and we're making love to each other? This is so fucked up, it..."

"So what?" she demanded. "You think it's going to save your friends' lives if we don't enjoy ourselves?"

"Not everything is about results! Four people are probably dead because of our anger and stupidity; the least we can do is have some respect!"

"Respect," she scoffed, tossing her disheveled hair back over her head. "Are you going to bring up self-control again, too? What a good little schoolboy you are, Felix. But in case you haven't noticed..." -she gestured around the barren chamber- "...'teacher' isn't here. It's just the two of us. There's no one here to disapprove or be scandalized or get hurt feelings or otherwise give a shit what you do with me. For once in our lives we have the opportunity to be ourselves and do what we want without anyone else getting hurt. You're really not going to take it?"

He looked at her, considering, even though he already felt that the answer was no, that it had to be no. This was everything he'd dreamed and longed for for himself, but that was exactly why he couldn't take it. He didn't deserve it, and the universe was apparently determined to see that justice was done so far as he was concerned.

Would have been nice if the universe had seen fit to save Isaac and Garet, but I guess divine retribution is more important than divine mercy.

"Karst," he said, "...apologize for what you did to Isaac and Garet."

She laughed. "Why should I? They killed my sister. Besides... I think you like me better for having killed your friends, the same as I like you better for letting Menardi die. Anger makes things between us... more interesting, doesn't it?"

"I... that's not..." Shit. Why am I even trying to deny it? The two of us are too alike. "Look, it doesn't matter what I want! This is about what's right! Isaac and Garet were good people! They were just misled about the lighthouses, and trying to save Jenna. Saturos and Menardi didn't give them a choice. They didn't want to kill anyone; they were just trying to do what they thought was right. They never would have hurt anyone again... and you killed them. And for what? Your sister's still gone. I understand why you did it, but can't you see that all you managed to do was kill innocent people, not to mention hurting the people who cared about them?"

Karst looked back at him, bit her lip for a moment, then snapped, "Alright, fine. I admit it: I'm sorry I killed Isaac and Garet. I thought it would satisfy me, but..." She turned away. "...but it just made me feel a bit emptier. I should have listened to you about why they did what they did. Satisfied?"

"Yeah." He took a breath. "And I'm sorry I let Menardi die. I should have done something. It's just... It's hard to stand up against someone you've known all your life in defense of someone you met just three years ago, especially after they broke their promise about Sheba."

"Fine. Apology accepted." She raised an eyebrow. "You realize that you've completely killed the mood, don't you, Felix?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, really I am, but we shouldn't have done it anyway. We..." He faltered a moment, but forced himself on. Maybe this wasn't the best time to tell her how he felt, but it might be the only chance he got. "...We haven't gotten to know each other that well yet. If we started off by having sex, we'd be defining our relationship by that. You're a very attractive woman, but you mean more to me than that."

Her reaction startled him. Her eyes lowered to the ground, as if she were embarrassed. But that's ridiculous... Nothing embarrasses Karst. Nothing could.

"What do you mean by that?" she ventured.

"I've always sensed you were different from Menardi," he pressed on. "For her and Saturos, the lighthouses were almost an excuse to bully people. She was interested in saving her home and her family, but that was it. But you... You didn't make it obvious from the start, but I always suspected that you really cared about the people of Prox. You would have done anything to save them, even if everything you had was already lost. Your family, your friend, your life. Even your pride, when you gave up the mission of lighting Mars Lighthouse to me."

"'Friend'? What are you talking about? I've never had any friends."

Not wanting to have his confession derailed, he ignored that. "Prox has become my home, because I feel such a strong connection to the fighting spirit of its people. But I've never met another Proxian who cares as strongly as you do. That's one of the main reasons that kept me fighting as hard as I could to light Mars Lighthouse. It's the reason I went back there looking for you. It's not just because of..." He fumbled for a non-vulgar way of saying what he was thinking. "...of how you make me want to give up my self-control that I had to see you again." He made a fist and lightly pressed the knuckle against Karst's chest. "It's because of what you've got beating right in here."

She stared down at his hand until he removed it, then looked him in the eyes. Her own eyes burned with harsh displeasure. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Now if you'll excuse me, your company is getting very dull."

With that, she turned and walked away.

"Karst?" No reply. "Karst, where are you going?"

"Leave me alone, Felix."

I have to stop her. It could be dangerous in this cave, and if we get separated...

He stopped, and laughed quietly at himself. That was such an obvious excuse to pursue her like the classic stubborn lover that it was pathetic. Even without her scythe, Karst could take care of herself. Better to let her have some time alone.

Feeling drained by Karst's rejection, Felix plopped down on the cold ground and rested his hands on his knees. I let love keep me from using my head again. At Mars Lighthouse, I felt something so strong between us, that we were kindred spirits, feeling the same things... I guess even though I told Sheba, even told myself, that Karst might reject me, deep down I thought she had to feel that bond between us too. I thought once I told her she'd understand right away, that it would be as clear to her as it was to me when I held her at Mars Lighthouse.

Only now... even to me, it's not so clear. She wasn't interested at all in the feelings I was telling her about; she just wanted to get laid with me.

He sighed, his heart heavy. Maybe this was all just a big mistake, a silly thought I got from staring too deep into Karst's eyes. Maybe we're not kindred spirits at all.