- Chapter 9: Pain and Guilt -

It would have been a relief to both body and mind to black out, but Jenna refused to give in. She ground her teeth against the searing cold of the sea water, defied the soreness of her body from being battered by the ship's crash, and fought towards the surface.

Dammit, I survived Felix dragging me halfway around the world and through every floor of all four lighthouses. I am NOT being done in by a stupid shipwreck!

The wound Karst had scored on her was worse by now, and she knew that if she didn't make it to dry land soon her strength would start draining fast. She already felt scarcely stronger than a kitten, but she forced her limbs to give out the strength that she knew they still had, swimming with vigorous thrusts. In just a few moments, she broke through to the surface.

Unfortunately, this was only half the job. Looking around, she saw she was still a decent swim from the nearest shore. With a heavy sigh, she forced herself to push on, stroking her numb arms through the freezing waters over and over.

It took her longer to reach shore than she expected, but through sheer stubbornness she kept from succumbing to the cold. Dragging her shivering body onto the icy shore, she breathed a prayer of thanks that she was a Mars adept. It would have been a lot better if she had something for fuel, but she could still maintain a flame in midair with some extra effort. Not wanting to waste energy, she held it just long enough to get a little feeling back in her legs.

With her own immediate danger passed, Jenna's thoughts went back to her companions. She felt like crying, but she held it in. You don't know they're dead... they could all be fine. They could.

Heart heavy, she began walking back towards Prox. There was shelter there, firewood, and Sheba too. Sheba could help her find the others.

Damn Felix. Damn him. Karst kicked a stray chuck of ice out of her way. What was all that nonsense about how he had to see me again supposed to mean, anyway? And why the blazes do I care?

She realized Felix had to have been talking about love, but that was an issue too messy and complicated for her to even think about. She believed in focusing on simpler things: anger, compassion, hunger, justice, lust.

That last one she wasn't used to feeling, but she did lust for Felix. Because of that fury with which he tore into Agatio, because of his handsomeness, and because of the allure of the exotic. So far as she knew, no Proxian had ever had intercourse with a southerner before; at any rate, the notion was easily intriguing enough to appeal to her. There weren't exactly dignified reasons for wanting a man, but Karst had as little respect for pride as she did for self-control. She had urges, and to deny them or the reasons behind them was to become delusional and frustrated. If she were the sort of person to hide from her own self, she'd never have been able to admit that she had been wrong to kill Isaac and Garet.

For all the good that does me, she thought, bitterly reflecting on how Felix had refused her. It frustrated her in a way she'd never been frustrated before. She'd actually had to get out of there before she lost control of herself and vented her frustration by trying to rip Felix's face off.

Damn it. Now I'm the one exercising self-control. And why should I care why Felix would refuse me? He's just like all men: weak.

The male's lack of backbone was not a new revelation to Karst. She'd begun to suspect it in the first years where she was left with only Menardi. Everyone in Prox knew her sister was unstable, sanity unhinged by the deaths of the rest of their family, and they despised her for it. It was not uncommon to lose family to the harsh conditions in Prox, and most of those who suffered such losses managed to shoulder the burden and carry on.

Madness was a weakness, and Karst shared everyone's disgust for Menardi's inability to face the same pain she herself had endured. But that did not excuse the way they ostracized and ridiculed Menardi behind her back, and there was certainly no cause for the same thing being done to her. They shunned her for Menardi's sins, and Karst realized it was because they feared her. The girls did as well as the boys, but with them it was different. Some of the girls at least had the courage to snicker where she could hear. The boys simply avoided her.

Then there was the incident with Saturos. The elder had chosen him to be Menardi's partner, presumably because he was as senselessly antagonistic as her. Karst had never liked him. Menardi at least had an excuse for lashing out; she could never figure out what was wrong with Saturos.

It happened when Menardi was out helping in a search for a boy who'd been lost. Saturos came to their house, looking for Menardi, or so he said. When Karst let him come inside and wait, however, it was less than five minutes before he grabbed her and pinned her to the rug. She fought back as he began tearing her clothes from her, but her strength was no match for his, and she was hit with the sickening realization that a part of her wanted this. Not just the sex, but being forced into it, having a strong male subdue her and take her regardless of whether she wanted it or not.

Though she instinctively tried screaming, she didn't expect anyone to hear; their house was isolated, and most of their closest neighbors had joined the search party with Menardi. So it surprised her when the door opened and Luren stepped in. She never found out exactly what he was doing there - needed someone to mend his shirt, maybe. But she would never forget the predatory look on Saturos's face when he turned towards him and said, "Get out of here, Luren."

"But..." he protested, staring at Karst. Save for her boots, every article of clothing had been torn from her. It was not desire which made him stare, of course; she was still a child, too young to have any of the womanly traits that might excite a man.

"Didn't you hear me, Luren? Just. Walk. Away."

Luren did not move, but Karst could see in his eyes that he was going to back off. He realized what Saturos was doing, but he was too weak to raise a hand to stop it.

Such cowardice did more than appall her; it infuriated her to action. With Saturos's attention momentarily diverted, she slipped one of her arms free, seized a wooden stool that lay just a few feet away, and slammed it against his head. His grip loosened, and she kicked him in the stomach as hard as she could. It was enough to allow her to break free. With that, she bolted out the door, slipping past Luren, and plunged into the bitter cold outside, still wearing nothing but her boots.

Once outside, she found a snowdrift and plunged into it to hide herself. Though the Fire Clan were said to be immune to the cold, after a few hours of that even she could feel something of a chill. She did not emerge from the snowdrift until she was confident that Menardi would have returned from the search. She returned home and told her sister what Saturos had done while she pulled on fresh clothes, her voice uncontrollably cracking through her narrative. Menardi called her a liar and gave her a good beating. It was a predictable response, but for some reason it came as a shock to Karst at the time. As unpleasant as the incident was, though, Luren's cowardice fully opened her eyes to the weakness of every male around her.

Then Felix came to Prox, and somehow she began to think he might be different. He was no warrior, but he was an outcast in Prox, like her, and he accepted and lived with that fact. He neither griped about how he was treated nor turned his face from his oppressors in shame.

But any illusion of Felix being different from other men was shattered when Menardi found out she'd been hanging out with him. Even as Menardi beat her, Karst could see Felix peeping in through a window. He saw, but he didn't stand up for her.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. After that, Felix never tried speaking to her again, not until Madra. Their relationship had gotten tough, so he'd backed off. Because he was weak.

If only I had learned my lesson then, and given up on him for good. But when I saw him in Madra, with a raging power that I'd never seen before burning within him, I... I didn't think. I thought of my sister, I thought of what I'd do to her murderer, I thought of how I would light the lighthouses, but not a single thought crossed my mind about how I was going to deal with Felix. Every glance I gave him, every word I spoke to him, every action I took or didn't take towards him, came on pure instinct.

It's obvious now what my attitude towards him was: I wanted him. I wanted him to pursue me, to prove himself to me, and finally give every ounce of his burning strength and passion to me.

Desires of a fool. All he's done is hurt me again, by making me face my guilt over what I did to Isaac and Garet. If it weren't for him, I could have just buried it all inside, told myself that they were evil and deserved everything I did to them.

"I should have just let him drown," she spat out.

But the words stung her even as she said them. Not because of any positive feelings she might still have towards Felix, but because like Isaac, he'd only tried to do the right thing. He had every right to kill her for what she'd done to Isaac and Garet. Sure, she'd saved his life, but at best that was just repayment for him saving hers back at Mars Lighthouse. Besides, his saving her life was no excuse for losing Menardi's life, so why should her saving Felix's life be an excuse for taking Isaac and Garet's lives? But he'd done what he thought was the right thing, and let her off with an apology. More important than that... he'd saved Prox.

So obviously saving Felix had been the right thing to do. He deserved to live, and the world would be a better place with him in it.

Nonetheless, every association she'd had with him had ended in pain for her. And this time, in rejection as well. Sure, he offered me love instead - that's what it sounded like, anyway - but how can something as complicated as love be worth it? Maybe it is to some people, but I'd just as soon not bother. My feelings for Felix are confusing enough as it is. There's just one thing I want from Felix, and he's not willing to give it.

That left her no reason to want to see him again, and now that she thought about it, no reason to even return to Prox. Menardi was dead and Felix was no more than an aggravation, so what was there left for her there but to go back to being regarded as crazy Menardi's lunatic little sister, to strained smiles that plainly said, "We'll be polite with you, but we really wish you'd just go away"?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of something stirring in a spot near the cavern's ceiling. Interest aroused, she approached the spot and peered closer.

It was a little horde of whitish insects. Karst smiled. So, there is food here. Strange that I didn't see these earlier. It must have been the wrong time of day for them to be out.

Insects seemed to reproduce quickly enough, so there would be no harm in taking a few of them. She reached up and knocked about ten of them off the wall and into her hand. She was contemplating how much psynergy she would need to kill the things without burning them to ashes, but to her surprise they writhed and fell lifeless without her doing anything. Apparently just the heat of her bare hand was more than they could stand.

She shrugged and headed back to Felix, though something about the little creatures dying at her very touch made her feel oddly sick at heart.

"Wait..." the Proxian man said, squinting at a distant spot on the shoreline. "I think I see someone."

"Where?" Sheba focused her eyes as hard as she could in that direction. "I don't see anything."

"Jarrabar has exceptional eyesight," the woman informed her. "If it's that hard for him to see it, then you have no chance of making it out."

"Oh, really?" Sheba said dryly. She hated it when people told her she couldn't do something before she'd even had the chance to try.

The two Proxians took off in the direction Jarrabar had been looking, giving no acknowledgment to Sheba's remark. With a mild grumble under her breath, she went after them. Inwardly, though, she was quite pleased to have a lead to follow, and resolved to immediately forgive Jarrabar all his trespasses if what he'd spotted proved to be Felix.

As they got close enough for Sheba to make out their target, her heart rose so high she almost felt as though she were floating. There was something there, and it indeed seemed to be Felix. She raced ahead, but the Proxians were easily able to keep up with her thanks to their longer legs.

But as they neared the person on the shore, he looked up at them, and it was not Felix. Unable to hold back a pang of disappointment, Sheba forced some enthusiasm into her voice as she called, "Jenna!"

"Sheba!" Jenna pounced forward and seized her by the shoulders. "You've gotta help... Felix and the others... they..."

Sheba's heart skipped. "What happened to them?"

"Felix!" Karst called. She had made up her mind. She would tell Felix that if he wanted to take his chances swimming back to Prox, he was welcome to go for it. He'd probably insist that she come with him, of course, but she would tell him that she didn't care for his bleeding heart sentiments and that she couldn't stand to be around the man who let her sister die.

Also the man who saved Prox. That means more to me than Menardi's death. I loved her, but she was a warrior and she died a warrior's death.

But what does the truth matter? There's no way I can ever fully explain the way I feel towards him, why I can't stand to see him anymore. Menardi's killer, Prox's savior, my betrayer.

"Karst." He'd been sitting against a wall of the cavern, out of view, but he stood now and faced her. His face was as it usually was: fierce and hard. "I've been thinking."

"Not much else to do in here." She held out three insects. "Here... Hungry?"

He looked uncertain for a moment, but then he took them. "Thanks." He bit off the edible parts of one and chewed. "I... I want you to apologize again for Isaac and Garet."

She stared at him. "What?"

"I was too eager to have that issue settled," he explained. "I believed you as soon as you said it, because it was easier. But -"

"You think I was lying when I said I was sorry?"

"You went to all that trouble to get rid of them, and then you apologized just like that," he pointed out. "You can see how I'd be a little dubious, don't you?"

Her fist clenched, wanting nothing more than to reach out and rip his chest open. "Screw you!" she screamed, and stalked away from Felix. Even she was startled by how angry she felt. "You think I apologized 'just like that'? You think that was easy for me! You have no idea what it is like to have innocent blood on your hands... No damn idea."

"Karst -"

"Get out of here, Felix. Go swim back to Prox and your friends. I've had enough of you."

"What, and leave you here?"

"I'm getting along just fine here. If need be, I can swim back by myself. I certainly don't need your help."

"That's true, but there's a chance you'll die trying to swim out of here. If I make it safe, you probably will too, but..."

"Stop blathering, Felix. If you're too scared to try it, then at least shut up and leave me alone."

He grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to face him. "Look, I can't stand not knowing whether you're alive or dead! Maybe I'm just a fool for feeling this way, but I'm worried about you."

"You consider me the unapologetic murderer of your friends," she retorted, "...and you're worried about me?"

"Like I said, I understand why you did it. I just... I had hoped you could see that it was wrong. Where it counts, you're a good person."

"You have no right to judge me, or anyone." She shoved him back from her. "You're a coward! You were good enough when it came to saving the world, but you just back down when it comes to your friends, don't you?"

"What are you talking about?" An angry look blackened his face. "I did everything I could to save Isaac and Garet."

"I'm not talking about saving lives. I'm talking about friendship. Or have you already forgotten?" She raised an eyebrow. "How you started avoiding me the moment it appeared as though my sister objected to our associating with each other?"

For a moment Felix looked completely blank. Then he scowled. "You have got to be kidding me. That was years ago! And if she had caught us together again, you'd have gotten another beating!"

"Oh, I see. So you decided for me that our friendship wasn't worth that risk?"

"Look, I was just trying to do the right thing!"

"That's exactly your problem!" Emphasizing her point by jabbing him in the chest with her forefinger, she said, "You need to stop wasting all our lives by trying to do the right thing and just take what you want!"

His eyes studied her face. She willed for him to make a move.

"Maybe I should," he admitted. "But what do you expect me to do here? I can't drag you out of here with me."

"Then make me want to go with you."

"Make you want to... Gods, Karst, I don't even know what the hell you want. I was arrogant enough to think you wanted me, but since you walked away from me when I told you how I felt, obviously that's not the case. All I can say is that if you come with me, you can show everyone that you're still alive, and maybe you'll get a chance to redeem yourself for killing Isaac and Garet. But I guess both those things are a little too much like 'doing the right thing' for you, aren't they?"

Karst folded her arms. He's challenging me. I like that. But I can't let myself be tempted by him again.

"Why don't you go on ahead and find your friends," she said. "...and let me decide what doing the right thing would be, hmm? If you don't hear from me, you can assume I decided to stay here."

"That's not -"

"Your friends need you, Felix. How much longer are you going to dally here with me?"

He scowled. "Look, I could use your help. You're the one who brought us here, so you can find the way out easier than I can."

"So that's what it comes down to, is it? You need me." Felix's scowl deepened. She had to admit, she was enjoying this. This was much better than talk of feelings. "How about we make a deal, Felix?" she said suggestively, running a finger down his chest. He grabbed her hand and pushed it away.

"No deals. Either you care about all the people in Prox who think you're dead, and you want to help me, or you don't."

She hadn't expected him to take the offer, but was interested in his response. The sigh she released wasn't entirely displeased. "Fine, then. I'll help. Just... give me a few minutes, alright?"

Felix didn't answer, just looked at her solidly. At moments like this, it was hard to think of him as weak.

She turned and headed back into the depths of the cavern. Maybe Felix was right; she couldn't spend the rest of her life happily in this place, not after what she'd done to Isaac and Garet. But she was at least going to bid the place a last farewell.

It had been a tempting idea, after all. This cavern was as cut off and isolated from the rest of humanity as, in a way, she was. Maybe Felix could fit in somewhere, but there was no chance of that for her. As much of an outcast as Felix was, he was a hero, whereas she was not, and never could be. She could still hear the one-eyed rock telling her that.

The place wasn't so bad in practical terms, either. It was spacious, beautifully laid out, with definite semblances of rooms connected by hallways. One could hardly be more comfortable within a massive block of ice. It was almost as though the cavern had been designed by human hands. The insects(and perhaps whatever they were feeding on) provided a meager but sufficient food supply, too. It wouldn't be hard to live in the cave.

Karst turned a corner, going for a cozy alcove she was fond of. A hand came out of the shadows, clapping over the cry of shock that instinctively tried to escape her mouth. Another hand fell upon the back of her neck, forming a vice grip that held her head securely in place.

A face more filled with violence than any she'd seen came close to hers. Proxian, but not familiar. "One move," it whispered, "...and I break your pretty neck. Understand?"

She doubted he could kill her before she could kick him hard enough to make him double over in pain, but wasn't willing to bet her life on it. Better to wait for him to slip up.

"So, it looks like the two of you are planning to stay." A prick at her neck made Karst gasp in surprise. "This is my home, little girl. And I'm more than ready to defend it."

From the place where she had been pricked spread a strange and alien coolness, and with it, a dull weakness. The feeling flowed to her limbs, and before long Karst felt herself slump into a conscious but perfectly limp state.

Powerless.

Author's Notes: Ah, back after a nice break. Thanks very much to IzzyTan, Have a Little Feith, and Strike for the reviews that came in the meantime! To be honest, I didn't manage to rebuild my lead on chapters during my break, so I may have to take another break before this fic is finished. Hopefully not, though, as I'm planning to have the story wrapped up before hitting chapter 16.

Just FYI, the creatures Karst encounters in this chapter are loosely based on a real order of insects, Grylloblattodea, more commonly known as "living fossils" or ice insects. Note that I say "loosely", so look them up if you want an accurate description.