Relapse

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You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love


I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

(Muse - Unintended)

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Maria cried as she sat in the parked car. She didn't notice the tears slipping down her face; she only felt her heart breaking all over again. It was stupid of her really, how could she assume that because she was unattached, he would be too? No, a small voice insisted, what about those looks they had shared, that kiss! Her eyes fluttered closed in remembrance of that kiss in the bedroom, the electricity, the passion; it couldn't have just been inside of her head! Another spasm of pain ripped through her as she imagined Michael with this girl, happy and in love, kissing this…this...Cara the way he had kissed her. Numb, she stared at her destination; it was lit and beckoning to her, whispering promises of comfort and absolution and she just wasn't strong enough to fight it. She grabbed her bag and ran in.

The clerk, silent and without judgement, rang up the till as she paid for her bottles. The whole family was back together, jack, gin and vodka. She took the bag and started to drive aimlessly, but after a while she noticed that she had ended up outside of Michael's old apartment. It was dark and undisturbed; he obviously hadn't come back here tonight. The bottles clanged together as she picked the bag up and quickly she slipped inside.

The apartment looked better after she and Michael had cleaned it up earlier that day, her chest throbbed at the memory, she had felt so hopeful for a new beginning, had felt like her old self had returned, as if cleaning the apartment had cleansed her of her past. But it was too late …so now she was going to dirty it back up again. She sat down on the sofa and swigged from the bottle of Jack Daniels, ahh her favourite poison, the delicious burning sensation at the back of her throat spread down to her middle, creating a warm soothing blanket of pain and misery.

She lay back on the sofa and stared up at the paint flaked ceiling, letting herself drown in the warm haze of old memories.

"Wow look at that, the dishes have magically cleaned themselves! Can't have been my boyfriend, he doesn't ' do' cleaning." Maria smirked as she sashayed barefoot into the kitchen of their new apartment, drinking in the view of a domestic alien. She lent over the counter and gave her spiky-haired boyfriend a deep and tender kiss. He smiled back and playfully flicked her with the dish cloth.

"Hey I jus' thought someone should do it. Aint havin' cockroaches hangin' bout da place." Rath grinned. "Dis one time thing tho, we all knows a woman does da cleanin. I'm a man, can't be doin' dis type of work." Maria gasped and hit him on the arm. Rath laughed as he fended off the small fists of fury. "I'm only messin', guess we're sharing the cleanin duties?"

"You guessed right buddy! So what are we doing today?" It was their first week at the apartment in Las Cruces; they had decided to move in together 6 months after meeting at the club. Maria knew he drove into Roswell often to meet up with the others, but he promised he wouldn't mention her to them, she may be a little more sober than the year before but she didn't want any of them back in her life.

Rath scrunched up his face as he deeply concentrated. "Erm…oh I dunno…how about…we just stay in bed!" He picked her up and carried her back into the bedroom as she writhed and giggled in his arms. He laid her carefully on top of the duvet and lent above her, staring deeply into her eyes. Maria's heart skipped beats as she looked into his hazel eyes, love, admiration and lust and fear swam in the depths. It was funny, people tend to find Rath intimidating with the piercings and the tattoos, but Maria believed you only had to look into his eyes to see that he was just a child, a child with a big heart, big insecurities and luckily, a big libido to match.

"I love you 'Ria." He murmured as he nuzzled his face into the nape of her neck.

"I love you too Rath." She sighed and wrapped her arms around him. A small tear leaked out of one eye, as she held him with a heavy heart and half a mind on where Michael may be now.

Michael pulled up outside of his former home, Maria's green Jetta was outside. He had finally found her. He had driven everywhere he could think of, her favourite places in the desert…her house…the park…he hadn't thought she would come to him. Quietly he turned off the car and walked into the flat. It was dark and it took him a moment to see the small lump on the sofa where Maria was huddled.

"Maria!" He rushed forward, kicking several empty bottles to the side. "Maria, speak to me!" She was breathing, but unconscious. Without thinking he picked her up and took her to the bathroom, quickly turning on the shower and carrying her in with him. "Maria, please…wake up!" He pleaded.

Her eyelids fluttered open as the cold water cascaded down their bodies. "Huhh? What?"

"Oh thank fuck." Michael breathed. His arms were still wrapped around her, his body cradling hers, as he stared into her mascara streaked emerald eyes. "You scared the hell out of me!"

"Michael?" Her voice was thick with alcohol, her throat hoarse. "Why are we wet?"

"You were passed out…I didn't know what to do."

"Oh." The silence stretched on as she struggled to form coherent words, her eyes avoiding his. Finally she simply said, "I'm cold."

"Well let's see what we can do about that." Michael picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Maria had changed the duvet earlier that day, just in case he was going to stay longer, he could have his old place back. Besides, she didn't want to think about the amount of men she'd brought back to that room when he was gone. In her mind, it had been the best way to hurt him.

There was a clean towel on the bed, Michael picked it up and started drying Maria's hair. "Stop it." Maria's eyes welled up as she remembered their roles reversed all those years ago. She sat on the bed and stared at the wall. "I don't need your pity. Just leave me alone."

"Maria…" Michael sat in front of her, forcing her to look at him and into his eyes. "I don't pity you, I…" He swallowed, searching those green eyes for a flicker of emotion, desperately trying to drag the courage from the depths of his soul to finally say it.

Maria gently patted him on the face, "You what? Michael. Love me?" She laughed coldly, and sat back, her callous smirk desperately trying to hide the tears that were building back up again. "You don't even know me. Not anymore. You don't know the things I've done, or that I went back for more. Just like I don't know you."

"Maria, I don't care what you've done, about that phone call…" Michael began.

Maria flinched. "It doesn't matter. We have to move on." She said brusquely, trying to avoid the subject of Cara for as long as possible. She couldn't bear for him to start talking about his girlfriend. "Why did you even come back here Michael? Sounds like you've made your life so wonderful away from all of us."

Michael looked down at his hands, "I missed you…I missed everyone. The longer I stayed away, the harder it was to come back. I wanted to see you again. I'm so sorry for hurting you." His hands clenched with impotent rage. "If I hadn't been so selfish…"

"It doesn't matter." Maria repeated. She took a deep breath and stared at his beautiful face. His lips so inviting, his eyes so deep she could drown in them. She needed to say goodbye. She needed to move on, as he obviously had. "What ever form you take Michael, all you ever do is hurt me. I can't do it anymore. I need you to go, to just leave me alone. Go back to your friends and your art and your…perfect life." Tears spilled over her cheeks as she sat there, broken once again. Her voice finished in a whisper "I'm done. Just done."

Michael's hands shook as he saw the pain etched on her face, marring her beautiful features as a permanent scar. He had done this. "I…I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have come back. I'll leave tonight. "

He stood up and walked towards the door. Before he walked out he paused, and spoke softly, just barely above a whisper. "I do love you Maria, I always have. No matter what." And then he was gone.

Maria's heart broke; she curled up into a ball on the bed, sobbing as his scent still lingered in the air.

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TBC