Disclaimer: Not mine. CBS - Thank you
Spoilers: None
Rating: CSI 3/T
Other character: Lori Campbell
Summary: The past, present and future all come together as the biggest secret of Catherine Willows life is revealed to the world, to herself and to the only one she always thought would never find out.
Feedback is very helpful. Thank you.
Chapter three: "Breathe in life"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&0&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Carson Street Cafe
129 Fremont St
Las Vegas
April 10, 2007
Two women entered the Carson Street Café and sat down at a booth in the back. The older a beautiful redhead with a slight sway in her walk. The younger a blond longhaired with a lot of make up and high stiletto heals that hit the floor with a high clicks as they walked to the booth.
Catherine motioned for Lori to sit down. She signaled to the waitress and sat down opposite Lori.
"You hungry?" she asked the young woman. Catherine had caught her eyeing the food on every table they had passed on their short walk to their booth. Lori shrugged her shoulders but then nodded slightly when she saw the piercing look Catherine gave her.
"Listen if we are going to work together we need to be honest with each other" Catherine said before she could stop herself. Honesty was not her strongest side but when she saw the small smile in Lori's eyes she knew she had said just the right thing.
The waitress came down to them to take their order.
"I'll have the tropical fruit salad served with date nut bread lathered with cream cheese and a cup of coffee, thank you" Catherine said.
"I'll have the same" Lori said before she had a chance to check out the prices.
"Oh no... I'm sorry I need to change that, I'll just have a coffee" she corrected herself. Feeling embarrassed, she was going on her last c-note and April still had a lot of meals left. She felt her cheeks go red and looked down.
Catherine immediately sensed what the younger woman was struggling with.
"Bring her what she ordered" she said to the waitress and then added:
"And please bring us a big strawberry-banana smoothie first, thank you".
The waitress left and Lori looked at Catherine, who just shock her head a little.
"Don't worry about it, it's on me. I know what it's like to be on your last c-note. I've been there believe me." She saw how the younger woman relaxed a little and smiled at her. There was something about her smile that reminded her about Lindsey. Catherine knew she had to finish up here and spend some time with Lindsey tomorrow morning. It was her bad conscience catching up on her. The more she thought of Lindsey the more she saw her in everything and everyone.
"Catherine can I ask you something" Lori suddenly asked, after having observed the woman across from her completely zoom out for a minute. Catherine nodded at her.
"Is Lindsey an only child?" Catherine was taken aback. Why was Lori asking her that?
"Yes" she answered hesitantly. She hated lying but she had become pretty darn good at it over the last 19 years.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&0&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Catherine Willows' home
March 11, 2007
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
"Hi mom, work good?" Catherine was greeted by her daughter. She dropped the car keys and purse on the kitchen table and sat down at the kitchen table watching her daughter getting ready to go to school.
"Yes, it was" There it was again. Lying. But she couldn't help herself. And by the way it was no use involving Lindsey anyway.
"Mom remember I have ballet class this afternoon, will you be able to pick me up or should I just ask grandma?" Lindsey said almost sure her mother would refer to her own mother, but she was surprised.
"What was that? Ballet class, sure I'll pick you up. Five o'clock fine?" Catherine asked already contemplating what she would do at the Nevada Ballet Theater before she picked up Lindsey. She could still feel the young woman's eyes watching her. Burning into her like she was the worst creature that had ever walked on this earth. She felt sick just by thinking of it.
"MOM!" Lindsey had been trying to get her mother's attention for a while now.
"Sorry, Linds. I'm just tired... not that's not it...I gotta stop this ly... Sorry baby, I just have a lot on my mind" Catherine told her daughter and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the top of her head breathing in the scent from her hair, before she sent her off to school.
She walked upstairs to her bedroom and fell down on her bed. She lay sprawled on her bed for a couple of minutes just trying to still her ragged breathing. Then she remembered. She got up and ran down the stairs to the kitchen like she was being chased. She grabbed her purse and was back in her bedroom with the door closed to the outside world in no more than two minutes.
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
She sat down on the bed and emptied the contents of her purse out on the bed. She was crying but didn't really notice. She sorted through her calendar, a couple of tissues, a Chanel lip-gloss, a foundation, an Elisabeth Arden 8-hour cream, two business cards, and several other things before she found it. She sat with the envelope in her hands for a good five minutes before she finally turned it over and opened it. She felt all her color drain from her face as her eyes raced down the piece of paper. When she was finished reading she suddenly got up and ran to the bathroom where she barely made it to the toilet before she threw up. She was crying so hard it made it hard for her to breathe.
She leaned her head against the cold side of the toilet for a minute before slowly getting up and looking into the mirror.
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
"I am a horrible person and a horrible mother" she said out loud. The words hit her like a ton of bricks even though it was what she was thinking. She turned on the cold water in the sink and splashed some water on her face and cleansed her mouth.
She turned around and looked back at her bed at the letter on it. She walked back slowly. Very slowly hoping it was all a bad dream. She was nearly by the bed when the phone rang. She almost jumped out of her skin. Without even thinking she picked it up.
"Willows" she said realizing her voice was thick with tears.
"Catherine" she almost collapsed when she heard who was calling. She could hear the worry in his voice. Why? Why did he of all people have to call right now. She took a deep breath before answering.
"Yes Gil, what's up?" she said hoping she'd sound more calm and collected now.
"Catherine!" she knew she was busted. He always knew, even before she did. It had always been that way. So why had he never known about this?
"Gil I can't really talk right now. I'll call you back later okay?" she heard him sigh and took it as a yes.
She hung up and sat down on the bed. She picked up the now empty envelope. It had a stamp from the National Adoption Centre on the front. She prayed Grissom would not have known right off the top of his head what NAC stood for. But Las Vegas/US. Child Services had apparently also been involved because their stamp was also on the envelope.
She felt a big knot in her stomach for as she reached for the letter. She reread the beginning:
"March 8, 2007
Ms. Catherine Willows,
The state of Nevada has officially ended its commitments and closed your file. Your daughter (S.I.G) has decided to forego any future reunions and has requested that all the money you have set up for her would be given back to you as soon as possible.
For your information, S.I.G. initiated this herself back in January 2007 and have been in close contact with out representative in her area.
Furthermore, she has asked that you would not be given any forward address or contact information of any sort, now or in the future.
We hope you will respect your daughter's wishes.
Kind regards
Julia Rosenberg
Director, Children and Youth Services
- Chief, Adoption Branch, NAC"
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
- Sarah Mclachlan Fallen
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&0&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Las Vegas Sunrise Hospital and Medical Center
May 11, 2007
Catherine woke early with a start when someone knocked something on the floor outside the hospital room. She was back in the bed Dr. Goodwin had put in for her but she knew she had fallen asleep in Grissom's arms last night. Someone must have lifted me back, she thought. And she was right. Warrick had been by during the night to make sure things were ok. Grissom had been awake just watching her sleep, feeling her stomach rise and fall under his palm when Warrick slowly opened the door. He did as Nick the day before, but this time she was so deep asleep she did not realize she was being moved. She missed his embrace already. So much it hurt.
She smiled her hand slowly stroking her lower abdomen. She couldn't believe she had ever feared telling him. He was so happy. He had cried when she let him stroke the soft skin on her abdomen underneath her shirt. She had cried as well, remembering how much she had wished he had been there to do that in the past. But they had talked, they had yelled, fought and cried. And she had gotten the scars to prove it. But then in the end they had finally made up and made love. They were past the past and ready for the future.
She crept out of her bed and tip toed over to Grissom's bed. He was still sleeping so she sat down in the chair drawing the blanket from her bed around her. She sat there watching the sun rising and the rays of the sun slowly warming her and hitting the face of the man she loved and had loved for more than 20 years.
She thought back to that night almost two months ago. The night they became one again. Not only physically but first and foremost emotionally. They had both started living again on that faithful night. And they had created life. A future. Something to build on and go from.
She felt tears slowly slide down her cheeks at the thought of it. She looked over at Grissom and saw he was watching her, teary-eyed as well. She reached over and grabbed his hand and they just stayed like that watching as the entire room was slowly lit up by thousands of sparkling rays from the sun.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&0&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still holding on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on
So if you're feelin' lonely, don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should
Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do
One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...
Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
- Bryan Adams Please forgive me
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&0&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Nevada Ballet Theater
1651 Inner Circle, Las Vegas
March 11, 2007
For some reason Catherine felt memories from their only night together occupied her mind as she drove to pick up Lindsey. She rarely let herself relish in the memories of that night, but somehow everything that had happened in the last couple of days had made it all come back.
She had willed herself to forget all about for years and years. Right after that faithful night she would not be able to concentrate around him. Almost flinching at every touch or look, but she had learned her lesson. Never get to close or you might get burned. Badly. So she had become the beacon of professionalism and denial. She was getting pretty good at it too. So good she had convinced herself she loved Eddie enough to marry him. She thanked God every day they had been together after Lindsey was born for the only good thing he ever gave her.
With Grissom it had been different. She could still feel his lips on her neck, hands on her body and the way he had held her before during and after their lovemaking. She would never forget. Partly because he was the only one who had done that for her and partly because she didn't want to forget.
"Damn it" she cursed out loud hitting the steering wheel as she shut down the engine outside the Ballet Theater. She let her head sink down on her crossed arms on the steering wheel and took a couple of cleansing breaths.
"Ma'am are you all right?" she looked up to see a young woman tapping lightly on the window. She was probably twice Lindsey's age, her blond hair was pulled back in a tight bun in her head and she wore a thin white cardigan over her ballet workout clothes.
Catherine signaled at the young woman to steep back and she opened the door and steeped out.
"I'm fine, I was wondering if you could help. I'm looking for someone." Catherine said as they began walking towards the building.
"You're Lindsey's mother aren't you?" the other asked thinking Catherine was there looking for her daughter.
"Well, yes but I am actually looking for someone else. Lindsey is not done with class until five." The young dancer looked at her confused for a moment but then her entire face lit up.
"Hey, you work down at CSI right? Is it something about a case? Cool..." she said enthusiastically.
Catherine shock her head and held the door for the younger woman.
"I'm looking for eh..." Catherine suddenly remembered she had no name, neither did she remember exactly where in the building she had seen the young woman from yesterday dancing.
"I'm looking for a young female dancer with strawberry blond curly long hair, blue eyes, around 20, she does not only do ballet here" Catherine tried to explain.
"So basically yourself in a younger version" the young woman said without realizing what she was implying. Before Catherine could find her tongue she continued:
"You wanna talk to Anna, she'll know. She knows all of us."
"Anna?"
"She is our costume designer. Has been her for 20 years at least. We all love her, she is the best. Always ready to make last minute changes. Just go down there and make a right turn at the end of the hallway. It's down the stairs, you can't miss it."
"Thank you very much" Catherine said feeling like she could hug the woman in front of her. Instead she turned at started walking in the direction given to her.
"Hey, tell her Caroline will be down with her Swan lake tricot later. And give my best to Lindsey"
Catherine walked down the hallway, made a turn right and walked slowly down the stairs. She was at the second last step when she stopped. She stood for a while contemplating her options. She shock her head and turned to leave when the door was opened and an old woman with fine features, white hair in a bun similar to Caroline's and dressed entirely in black looked at her.
"Was there something you wanted dear, or were you just gonna stand outside here on the steps all day long?" she said in a soft voice.
Anna looked at the woman on the staircase. She was beautiful, her strawberry blond hair flowing around her face. Her blue eyes seeking hers. She instantly reminded her of someone else. Someone who had recently joined the Ballet Theater. She was about to tell the woman on the stairs that when she saw the tears in the younger woman's eyes. She then gently reached out for her arm and pulled her down the last two steeps and into her dressmaker workroom.
Now I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child
And I know
A love so complete
Someday must leave
Must say goodbye
Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye
- Celine Dion Goodbye's (The saddest word)
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
END OF CHAPTER THREE