Kiss My Eyes and Lay Me to Sleep

Chapter 2

Clare P.O.V.

I walked into the bathroom. The smile I gave Eli was real; it was probably the happiest, real smile I ever gave anyone. But the smile I kept as I walked to the bathroom was fake and unrealistic. Today was just off and on with good and bad things, my emotions were so bottled up I had to let them out. When I found his bathroom I slowly closed the door and locked it, silently snooping through his stuff for something sharp. Bingo! In one of the cabinets under the sink was a pack of six brand new razors. Would Eli honestly notice if one was missing? I doubt it. With those thoughts I took a razor and slid it across my wrist letting out a small moan. I quickly started the water and rinsed it off, looking for band aids with the other. After I finished cleaning up my small mess, I exited the bathroom and found my way back to my boyfriend.

Boyfriend. I really liked the sound of that. You may think me and Eli might be taking things too fast, but honestly I don't think we are. In other matter I would've thought so, if it was some other guy then Eli I would've thought so, but that endless month of just flirting had already put the word love in my heart. I just hope my disagreeing mind is wrong.

My thoughts were interrupted as I felt Eli's arms pulling me into a hug. I felt his cool breath hitting my neck and my heart skipped a few beats. "I missed you for that whole 5 minutes blue eyes. I don't like when you're not in my arms. I need to know you're safe and in no harm." I could practically feel the smirk on my neck before he kissed it. I gasped a little from the feeling of his soft lips on my bare neck, but the surprise hardly lasted. I got excited, knowing how he was kissing me felt like pure bliss.

"Eliii.." I moaned softly. He smirked and leaned forward kissing my lips.

"Oh Saint Clare." He joked as I pulled him onto the couch with me. We were in the same position as before, except I was on top this time. He didn't like that though; Eli wanted to be the one in control, so he flipped us over pinning me to the sofa. Our tongues wrestled quite roughly as the make out progressed, and I never felt so perfect before. He broke apart the kiss as I gasped loudly, drawing in as much air as I possibly could. Eli started kissing my cheek, down to my jaw, to my neck. He smirked as I moaned slightly when he kissed one are. It took only seconds after the moan for him to start sucking on that spot. I felt so pleasured and I wanted more. My mind was shouting at me though, that stupid conscience screaming 'Your purity ring! Don't do it!' I ignored that thought and took the purity ring off my finger and through it across the room.

At that moment Eli pulled away and gave me a question, yet worried look. I stared into his green eyes before breaking the distance between us with another kiss. "Clare…" he reluctantly pulled away. "Clare stop!" it looked like it took all he had to say that, I knew he wanted to go further. "I know how important that is for you, you don't have to forget about that for me. I'll wait as long as I have to for you."

"Eli, the only reason I wore that stupid thing is because I believed if I stayed pure, God would love me. But now I see there is no God, if he was real he wouldn't have let my sister get raped and have a break down, he wouldn't have let K.C. do what he did to me, he wouldn't have let my parents fight, and he wouldn't have let me reach my breaking point. But damn it Eli, I have you now, and I want you! I want everything about you!"

Eli looked completely shocked by my reaction, but I couldn't help it. I started crying again, letting violent tears slide down my cheeks. Eli pulled me into a tight hug before speaking. "Clare, what did you mean your breaking point? I've been worried about you for a while now, but never have I been so worried in my life! What's wrong? Talk to me, please!" he was freaking out now, but not as much as I was.

"I-I-I want to, b-but I don't kn-know how you'll react!" I stuttered nervously with tears still falling. I honestly don't know how I got into this situation, but I wasn't ready to tell Eli. But I thought I loved him…maybe he could help me.

"Clare, you can tell me anything, I won't get mad. I swear." He smiled at me slightly, yet ever so hesitantly.

It was time for my big finale to my little speech before. "If God was real, he wouldn't have let THIS happen!" I screamed pulling up my sleeve to show an arm covered in cuts and scars, some showing, some bandaged over. Eli's mouth was hanging wide with shock and I don't think he blinked for a few minutes. I pulled down my sleeve and wiped away my tears. Stay strong Clare, my heart was telling me, and even though I was happy to get this out, my head still screamed 'STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!' My stupid mind made me put up these walls to guard myself, and my heart was tearing them down to let Eli in. Who knows how this battle will win, but I hope I'm not left broken after it all.

Eli's P.O.V.

Clare. My perfect Clare. She cut herself, and not just once. She had deliberately hurt herself because of other people's stupid mistakes. It wasn't her fault, yet she punished herself. I couldn't believe it, she was too beautiful for that, too sweet, too innocent, too loving, too perfect! But none of that mattered, emotions had to be haunting her, making her too scared. Well now she has an option, she doesn't have to do that anymore, she has me. I'll never let her do that again, I'll never let her get hurt again!

"Oh Clare." I whispered hugging her again. The last time I hugged a girl this many times in one day was when I was with Julia, but I wasn't the one hugging her. She hugged me, I didn't want to. I wanted to just be friends, but Julia was Julia, she was too stubborn and too selfish to see my side. But I was the one who had to deal with the hurt of losing her that day, the guilt and remorse of the fight. She lost her life that day, and so did I. I lost everything that was inside, just a walking corpse who still had to deal with it. And she got to escape it! It was so hard to care for Clare, the girl I loved more than anything, when Julia came back to haunt me, to blame me for everything.

"Eli, I deserve this. Even my dad told me. I don't deserve you Eli!" she pushed me away and hugged her knees instead.

Suddenly I got angry. How could she think she didn't deserve me? It was the other way around! I'm the mess! I'm the one with haunting memories of his dead ex-girlfriend, and I'm the one who gets beaten every time his father is here! I'm the one whose mom died in front of him because of drugs! "YOU DON'T REALISE HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT! THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO CUT, I SHOULD BE THE ONE DOING IT! I SHOULD BE THE ONE HAVING BREAK DOWNS EVERYDAY! BUT I DON'T, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE I'M TOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!" I screamed at her. She was taken aback, and she looked kind of scare. I felt bad for a second, but everything I said was true.

"Eli…" she whispered, but I didn't want to hear it, so I cut her off quickly.

"Clare, I worry about you every second of every day, and I pushed every single one of my problems to the side! But that's not even working anymore! All of these problems haunt me Clare, beyond belief! But I hide them, all for you, but honestly I feel dead inside! And when I'm around you that changes, but the memories don't, the pain doesn't, only the emptiness!" poor Clare looked so shocked; I had tears in my eyes for the first time ever in front of her.

"I think I should go and give you some time to think." She said softly, pulling herself off the couch and over to the corner where she through her ring. I screamed out in anger and she looked at me, I was so broken for the first time ever. I just let it all out, everything that was bottled up.

"WHY SHOULD I BE HAPPY?" I screamed to myself, completely forgetting Clare was there. "MY DAD DOESN'T THINK I SHOULD! JULIA DOESN'T! MY MOM DOESN'T! THESE PIECES JUST DON'T FIT! I DON'T DESERVE CLARE! I DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS!" I had never been so angry, these stupid emotions would kill me before my memories would, I hate Clare for bringing these back.

Clare turned around from the corner and looked at me, she was completely horrified. "ELI!" she screamed, it sounded just like she did when she was having a nightmare. "STOP PLEASE! CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE HURTING ME!" she broke down on my floor, she just collapsed and cried.

"I'm so sorry…" I whispered. She came over to me, very hesitantly. I could tell she was scared. "I'm not going to do anything Clare, I couldn't possibly hurt you, I lo- like you way too much." Her eyes shot up. She looked as though she had an idea to lighten the atmosphere.

"Was Eli Goldsworthy about to say he loved somebody?" she asked, her face blushing quite cutely. Knowing the fight was over because of Clare's boldness I leaned in, right next to her face.

I was about to kiss her when I breathed out, "Maybe I was." Then I closed the distance between us, kissing her softly, as if she was the most fragile thing. I had no idea how we got from crying, to joking, to screaming, to crying, to this; but it happened.

I pulled away and breathed in sharply. "Clare, I wasn't kidding when I said I deserved you." I said looking down. If she could tell me her secrets, there was no reason to hide mine.

"What the hell are you talking about Eli?"

"Clare, when I was little my mom was caught up in the wrong stuff; drugs and alcohol to be exact. And well one day when she came home, all those things in her system finally corrupted her and she died, right in front of me. From then on my dad was extremely angry, and he took his anger out on me, violently. He still does today. But that's not all. Last year, before Degrassi, I had a girlfriend Julia. She loved me, she told me every day, but I didn't feel the same way. We got into a fight about it and she killed herself. She made me suffer because I just wanted a friend, but it was my fault. I should've ignored my feelings, and now that I have someone I do love, why should I get to keep that feeling?"

I let it all out. I spilled my secrets to this beautiful girl who I somehow knew got me.

"Because Eli." She started simply. "This isn't the same situation as it was with Julia; you have someone who loves you back."

Clare's P.O.V.

Things were quiet for while. My mind was still yelling at me for taking things too fast, but ignored it. It was getting late and we were watching a movie on Eli's TV as I lay against his chest. I turned my gaze from the TV and looked into Eli's eyes for a moment before turning away.

"You ok blue eyes?" he asked calmly while brushing some hair out of my face.

"I just wish things could be the same sometimes. I wish Darcy was never raped, I wish I never dated K.C., I wish my parents stayed happy and never fought, and I wish me and you could've stayed in our joking matter instead of that fight." I found myself wishing that change never happened a lot lately.

"Well blue eyes, there are things we can and can't fix sometimes. We can't fix your sisters rape, but your parents might just stop fighting. We can't fix you dating K.C., but we most certainly can fix the tension in the room." he told me smirking.

I knew Eli had a plan, which scared me. "Oh really?" I asked. "And how exactly do you plan to break the tension?"

"Simple." With that word he started tickling me. I was letting out loud laughs and gasping for breath as I tried to push him off of me. "Say you love cupcakes." Eli laughed.

"NEVER!" I fought with him to get him to stop tickling me, though I did love being this close to him. "Stop!" I laughed even harder now.

"Not until you say it!"

"FINE! I LOVE CUPCAKES!" he stopped tickling me and my laughing slowed. I could feel my heart beating as I looked at him.

"You weren't lying when you said you were part of Voldemort's army! You truly are evil!" I giggled a little, embarrassing myself by sounding like a five year old. But Eli's smirk told me he was amused with that. "I love that sexy smirk of yours." I accidently thought aloud as my cheeks instantly flushed shades of red and pink.

"Oh really?" he raised his eyes brows and leaned in to kiss me but stopped right before my lips. "Good night blue eyes." He said then picked me up and brought me to his room. Eli set me down on his bed then turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused.

"Back to the living room, I don't want to make things awkward so I'm going to sleep on the couch." He smiled at me then turned back around.

"No!" I practically screamed. "Stay with me, I really need it." I said, smiling as he got into the bed with me. The second he kissed my forehead, my eyes closed and I fell into a deep, comfortable sleep.