Ways To Kill "Adrian" (also known as "Asshole") and Get Away With It
by Ivy McHenry-Winters

1.) Make friends with the chef at Blackthorne and get him to poison Asshole's food.

2.) Call in one my mother's mafia connections and place a hit on him.

3.) Somehow introduce a disgusting disease to Blackthorne and give the vaccine to everyone but Asshole.

4.) Frame him for a federal crime in some country where torture is not only legal, but encouraged.

5.) Place poison in my next letter to him. Look into acquiring anthrax.

6.) Three words: execution by elephant. Must call in favors from the zoo.

7.) Find out what his hopes and dreams are...and then crush them. Violently. And then him.

8.) Have somebody (Sophie) run him over with a car. Tell Sophie to drive normally and let whatever happens, happen.

[Sophie's Journal]

Helpful Thought Prompt: What's the most interesting thing that happened to you today?

What the hell, Journal? I thought we had come to the mutual consensus that these helpful thought prompts are neither helpful nor prompt me to think. In fact, they make me want to chuck this journal at the window, which would send a hurricane of glass flying my way and send you flying outside of the third story window. There'll be blood, That doesn't bode well for our health, does it?

You've got to start paying attention, Journal.

The most interesting that happened today was that we all got responses from our Blackthorne pen pals. Madame Dabney was, as expected, ridiculously excited over the whole shabang. She was fluttering around the room and waving her arms as she gushed, "What gentlemen! Responding so quickly! The Blackthorne Institute has done a commendable job."

Yes, she really does speak like an actress from the 1940s who recently discovered a thesaurus.

Several of the girls matched Madame Dabney's exuberance, shoving their pen pals' replies in each other's faces, giggling and blushing. Some even analyzed the handwriting to try to gain an understanding of their Blackthorne boy's personality; some dusted for fingerprints to take to the lab and study their possible genetic makeup. Typical girl stuff.

Ivy didn't say anything about her letter, but from what I saw over her shoulder, it was very short. But, she did tuck it away in her bag before taking out a piece of paper and scribbling something down. She looked menacing, so I can only deduct that she wasn't drawing a lovely picture of cupcakes or something.

My pen pal is okay. Well, not okay, in terms of sanity. His name is Leo and he doesn't know the difference between "seasons" and "seasonings". I've got to say, though, his letter was pretty entertaining. Kind of a head trip, but entertaining nonetheless.

I let Ivy read the letter and she snorted. "Watch out for the witty ones, Sofa." I don't know exactly what she meant by that, but Ivy has the most experience with boys out of the three of us, so I'll take her word.

Jules ended up getting the longest letter, go figure. Bear in mind the girl literally wrote one sentence and then fell asleep. The look on her face was amazing when she ripped open her letter was simply priceless. See, Journal, it's very hard to phase someone like Jules. When we were younger, our favorite game to play was "Boo!" ( we weren't creative back then), in which Ivy, Jules, and I tried our hardest to scare the living daylights out of each other. Except if you're a spy in training, it's way more fun because you're taught from birth how to be sneaky and above all, don't ever get caught.

No matter how hard Ivy and I tried, we could never successfully scare Jules. I remember once, I actually bungee jumped off the roof of her house, planning perfectly so I would fly right in front of her as she tried to unlock the front door. Nothing. Just a little laugh and maybe a pat on the back, all while she'd say, "Bungee jumping? Come on Soph, I thought you were trying to scare me."

I don't think the letter scared her, but it definitely threw her off. Her eyes were as wide as a saucer and her mouth had dropped a bit. A moment before, she had this cocky grin from managing to flick her favorite lighter with her feet (she'll take any dare, really). And then all of a sudden, it was gone. Her eyes narrowed sharply, not unlike the way they get when she's practicing her kickboxing moves on the punching bag in P&E. Her lips curled up into a little smirk, her scheming one. I knew in that little action that she was going to do something so very Jules-ish.

And she did. She grabbed her lighter off the floor and in one swift motion, her letter started burn at the edges. In seconds, the flames had reached the other side of the paper and the letter began to disappear from sight. There was nothing but a little trail of ash sprinkling from her fingers like dust from some old possession she just couldn't be bothered to care for.

I don't know him at all, but I wouldn't burn Leo's letter. You shouldn't burn something that makes you laugh.

-Sophie

[a detention slip]

NAME: Jules Maris

GRADE: 12

CAUSE OF DETENTION: "Mild arson," as Madame Dabney said when she took my lighter. I hope she's filling one of these forms out for THEFT.

DAMAGE: One stupid piece of shit letter burned; my ego slightly wounded.

TIME: In Dabney's class, when I got my stupid piece of shit letter from my pen pal. My ego was wounded when she apprehended (read: snatched) my favorite lighter, the 1976 Zippo one. They're really hard to get.

LESSON: Don't burn anything in front of Madame Dabney, she's a buzzkill. Don't write any more letters. Don't have any more faith in humanity's ability to not steal.

Miss Maris,

Perhaps if you had an additional two weeks of detention, you could work on your courtesy issues and learn how to solve your problems in a ladylike manner. Ladies do not burn a letter from a nice gentleman, use such foul language, or blatantly disrespect authority figures by accusing them of crimes. Do not make a mockery of this school, Miss Maris.

Sincerely,

M. Dabney

an: wowza! you guys rock for the all the kickass feedback! we like what we're seeing, folks!

next chapter begins the letters between a gallagher girl and a blackthorne boy. expect that chapter to be...longer. as in it covers a period of time of the school year. get it? yeaaah.

tell us what you thought of this chapter, we always appreciate it :)

-asha and em. or ashem. ashem ketchum.