Noel,

Listen up, kid, and listen well. I don't do this very often, so consider this a once in a lifetime oppurtunity I'm going to cut you an enormous amount of slack and outline each and every problem I have with your letter. Why, you may ask? It's not because my harpy teacher Madame Dabney keeps looking over at me here in the lovely detention room, just to make sure I'm writing an even lovelier response to my pen pal. No. It's because I'm in a pretty good mood, seeing as my best friend Ivy pulled a few strings to get my favorite lighter back from the clutches of evil.

And also, Noel, you're clearly in need of my help. Don't get upset, a lot of people are. But you especially. So let's get to it, okay?

1.) "Jules is a kickass name": See, to the untrained eye there is nothing wrong with this little piece. In fact, it can be interpreted as a compliment. Like, "hey, he thinks my name is cool! Yay!" and then I dance around the letter happily like a ballerina on acid. You get the image out of your head, Noel, because that is dead wrong. You wrote those five words, and I instantly knew that it was a gratuitous compliment. You were just saying that to be nice. Nobody compliments names and means it. You should always mean what you say.

2.) "I miss Roseville. It had the whole small town charm that you don't really get as a spy.": Stop right there. Holy shit. Did you really write that? Frack. You have more issues than I thought.

Okay. Let me calm down a moment.

You know in Harry Potter, when Harry or Hermione does something extremely Muggle-ish and then Ron or someone will say, "What the hell? You're a wizard. You're magical." And then Harry or Hermione will be all, "Oh, right. Shit. My life is awesome, I can do magic" and feel incredibly stupid for trying to ever question the wizarding world.

We're a lot like that. Spies are wizards. Muggles are the normal folks.

So how, in the name of all that is good, could you miss Roseville? Sure, your family's there. Family is nice. But other than that? It's dull. Nothing happens there. Hell, even a Roseville agreed with me on that point.

Do you know what this kind of life means for us? That means that we're going to have millions of more opportunities and billions of more problems than anyone in Roseville. We're going to go to places they'll never see and do things that they'd never dare to. Do I sound a little full of it? Fuck yes. Because I can.

You sound like you're not taking advantage of this. Don't disappoint yourself.

3.) "If you ever want a discount there, I'm the guy to ask.": No offense to your mum, but that store is not really my style. Shame on you for assuming it would be. Shame.

4.) "What do you do for fun?": You seem to be one of those sporty guys who only view their life in terms of athletics. I'm sure you were hoping that your pen pal would be an equal sports enthusiast, so we can discuss our loves of soccer (it's football, you know, according to the rest of the world) and perhaps realize we have more things in common, like saying "gosh golly gee whiz" and being the perfect rays of sunshine. But things (and people) are never perfect, are they?

5.) "I wouldn't trade this for all the cheerleaders and pep rallies in the world.": Cheesy high school reference. Clever. I bet you'd be the quaterback, student body president, and homecoming king. What an overachiever.

6.) "I don't think this letter thing is a waste of time.": Of course you don't. But I do. Maybe you completely missed the point?

I hope I was able to shed some light on the failings of your letter writing skills. Or at the very least, write a harsh enough letter to get you to switch pen pals. Might I recommend Lily Oliver or Rayanne Higgins? Both are nice girls, I'm sure they wouldn't mind having more than one pen pal, especially someone as nice as you.

Don't reply,

Jules.

Dear Jules,

Okay, you've made your point. You think this letter exchange are stupid . You think that I'm stupid. You think Roseville is stupid. You probably think everybody and everything in the entire world besides you is stupid.

But you know what? I don't. I think the letter exchange is a great idea. I think Roseville is a nice place to live. I think the whole world is amazing. I think that being a spy doesn't mean I have to be a prick.

Most of all, I think that you're just the worst kind of spy girl—the kind who is too aware of their own intellect and has an ego of Jupiter. Just because your IQ is high doesn't mean you need a superiority complex to match it. Now, I don't ever talk to people like that, so I guess you could consider this "a once in a lifetime opportunity."

And unlike you, I care about how I do in school. That means, I'm not going to quit this letter thing just because you're too selfish to see how it would affect anyone else. I hope you'll do the same.

-Noel

Noel,

Bravo! Wow. You really told me. Way to reprimand. See those little tear drops in the corner of this paper? I had a little mental breakdown from your extremely accurate analysis on my personality flaws. In fact, I'm so grateful that somebody finally told me what's wrong with me that I'm actually sobbing as I write—

What the hell? No, I'm not.

Keep calm and fuck off,

Jules

Dear Jules,

Look, I'm really sorry for what I said and if it hurt your feelings. Like I said, I don't usually talk to people like that. Sorry, again. Maybe we can just forget this and start over?

But hey, guess what happened today? My lab skills finally came in handy. This guy who is pretty well-known for messing around with lots of girls and usually upsetting them got a letter from his pen pal and he noticed something strange about it. He asked me to take it to the lab and run a few tests on it, and I agreed mostly because I was pretty curious myself as to what you Gallagher girls could have your sleeves.

It turns out his pen pal was trying to poison him. Guess we don't have the worst pen pal relationship after all. Sorry this letter is so short, I was kinda too angry to write before all of this, but not any more.

Peace,

Noel

Noel,

I find it alarming that you measure a successful penpalship based on whether or not one pen pal is poisoning the other.

-Jules

Dear Jules,

Okay, you still seem mad. That's fine, my parents always say, "anger is an energy, so channel it!" and the TV says, "don't get mad, get glad!" Maybe you need to do the latter? Give me a head's up when we're cool, I hope you don't think I'm a jerk or anything. I really want to give this a chance.

Best thoughts,

Noel

Noel,

I don't think you're a jerk. I think you're too nice. It's much worse.

-Jules

Dear Jules,

I'm glad you responded, even if it didn't make sense. Is it really worse to be too nice than a jerk? Jerks are rude, impolite, and offensive. Nice people are fun, happy, and caring. Who wouldn't want to be that?

Confused,

Noel

Noel,

"Nice people are fun, happy, and caring."

You forgot boring.

-Jules

Dear Jules,

Boring? How are nice people boring? I don't know what kind of people you hang out with, but it's possible to be nice and interesting at the same time. I know, because I am. Or, at least I think I am.

Can you explain what you mean?

Peace,

Noel

Noel,

Nice people are safe. They're reliable, yes, but there's also nothing particularly extraordinary about them. They're water. Vanilla ice cream. Basic television.

At least with jerks you might get the chance of a little spark, a little intrigue, a little interest.

Noel, I basically bitched you out for no discernible reason other than you were my pen pal. I ripped you to shreds.I ripped your shreds to shreds. And the second you started to call me out on it, you wussed out. A jerk would've stayed by his opinion of me, and I could respect that. Why? Because at least I'd know they meant it. Don't apologize for how you feel, it makes you look weak and, well, a bit boring.

You have to earn my respect; you had it for a millisecond.

-Jules

Dear Jules,

Strictly hypothetically speaking, how could one prove that they're not boring?

-Noel

P.S. Not that I agree with you or anything.

Noel,

Now you're speaking my language, Sunshine Boy.

The only antidote to boring is to do something so completely unexpected, so ridiculously ballsy, and so undeniably badass that everyone will have no choice but to revel in your insanity.

In layman's terms: one wild dare, courtesy of Jules B. Maris.

You interested?

-Jules

Dear Jules,

I'm interested, but only in the name of science, of course. That doesn't mean I'll do it, though. But I'd definitely consider it. I mean, how bad can a dare be?

What do you have in mind? Is it safe? Is it illegal? I'm usually game for anything, but I just wanna make sure.

-Noel

Noel,

In the name of science, my ass. More like in the name of "somebody doesn't like to be called boring", right? It's okay, you get points for being a good sport about it.

Let's just say, I have it on very good authority that our Headmistress Fetterman and your school head Dr. Powell are planning a little field trip for the Gallagher and Blackthorne seniors. My source says it's going to be a mission simulation of sorts, and that it involves the following objects: a Blackthorne helicopter, skydiving equipment from Gallagher, various disguises, and a numerous amount of comms units. Now, I don't have psychic powers, so I'm not going to bother figuring out what we're actually gonna have to do. But, like most people, I do have kleptomaniac tendencies. Only I keep it under wraps.

Dare: Steal the helicopter and put it on the roof any building before the field trip. Bonus points if you put it on the roof of the Roseville police department, leaving some sort of message for a man named Fred. Take pictures of it for me.

Is it safe? Probably. Illegal? Probably not. Fun? Hell yes.

-Jules

P.S Consider this your one shot at redeeming yourself.

P.P.S. In case you need a little encouragement: chicken.

Jules,

Fun? I'll see about that.

Until next time,

Noel.

an: ah, jules, what a corrupter! and noel, so nice :) i know some letters were very short, but that was sort of the point. you can't write these amazing long letters when you hardly know a person.

em writes for noel, i write jules. i'm the nice one of the duo, i swear.

also em has far too much time on her hands and found pictures for the girls that can be found on my profile.

thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter! be sure to review this one and tell us what you thought!

next chapter: ivy & adrian :) that can't end well.

-asha (: and emememem.

p.s.: everyone should read "you, me, and the great inbetween" and "it takes a thief" by xfighterplane. even if you don't like clique stories. i would've posted this sooner if i wasn't so awestruck by her writing. seriously, ren is amazing and i don't plug people ever. I LOVE YOU RENNYFISH WAY MORE THAN EM DOES

p.p.s: drey write the best reviews. hands down. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE JESSE EISENBERG. and thats a lot of love.