Chords of Faith Chapter 2: Stained Glass Masquerade, a stargate: atlantis fanfic

Major Evan Lorne settled into his desk chair and opened the package from home. The mail delivery on the Daedalus that day brought a smile to his face when he realized he'd received a box from his sister. She'd tucked a CD in along with the usual framed pictures and book he'd requested. He set the book aside to read the next day, glanced at the CD titles, and smiled at the pictures. His nephews were getting so big, and he missed so much of their lives. Tired after an off world mission, however, Evan readied for bed, leaving his treasures on his desk.

The next day, he rose late, showered and shaved, and dressed in civvies. While Atlantis's uniforms weren't fancy, they did get old after a while. Sometimes, a man liked to climb into a comfortable pair of jeans. As he straightened his room, his eyes fell on the CD his sister had sent, and he popped it into his computer to listen. His sister played guitar for an indie band, providing her husband and family with extra income, and she'd sent a mix of the songs they either wrote or covered.

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today
Feelin' so small?

The words drew his attention from the back of the book. What was this? Evan scowled and glanced at the CD cover. The title didn't tell him anything, so he continued to listen.

'Cause when I take a look around,
Everybody seems so strong.
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong.

He couldn't argue with that. Atlantis housed some of the greatest minds Earth had to offer. It also housed some of the most stubborn individuals. Like Sheppard. If anyone could out-stubborn a Wraith queen, it was Sheppard. And Ronon. Evan had learned to live with stubborn people around him.

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay.
If I make them all believe it,
Maybe I'll believe it too.
So with a painted grin, I play the part again.
Hoping everyone will see me
The way that I see them.

Wow. Evan blinked at how close to home those lyrics hit. He'd always tucked his personal feelings behind him. Women he'd known. Men he'd lost in combat. The times Sheppard had disappeared. Kate, the one woman with whom he thought he'd share his life. Elizabeth. Carson Beckett.

At the thought, Evan whirled away from the desk, not wanting to think any longer. He hadn't thought about Carson since the day he'd carried the man's casket through the wormhole. The good doctor had been buried in his native Scotland while Evan visited his sister. How wrong was that?

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples,
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain?
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken,
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade.

"I really am plastic, aren't I?" he murmured. No one would tell him that to his face, but he knew the truth. He kept people at arm's length most of the time. Even Zelenka, who he'd call his closest friend, didn't know he and Kate had dated for over a year. Zelenka didn't know about the ring Evan kept on him at all times, a reminder of his loss.

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?

He was an actor. He knew it. Years in the military had taught him to bury his emotions and focus on the mission. But what happened when the mission ended? How did he deal with those emotions when the mission screeched to a halt and people died?

The performance is convincing,
And we know every line by heart.
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart.

Evan turned back to the window, to the silent form waiting for his attention. It had collected a fine layer of dust in the last few months. When he'd returned from the Apollo, he'd discovered it face down in the middle of the scattered paints. He'd lifted it back into place without removing its shroud. To him, it became the silent witness of his failures.

He'd let Carson Beckett die. Oh, he knew enough to understand that nothing in his skill set would have saved the doctor. Not really. But he knew how to fish. He could have gone fishing rather than painting. But he'd been too enamored with the city, with the idea of giving Kate something she'd never forget. Instead, it memorialized one of his greatest failures.

Kate was the other failure. When he'd been in isolation following his sleepwalking incident, Kate had sympathetically watched over him. He'd longed to hold her, to reassure her that everything would be okay. But he couldn't, and it frustrated him. Learning the entity that Colonel Sheppard had brought back from another planet wasn't in him any longer, he'd rushed to Kate's office, locking the door for a few minutes while they reconnected with one another.

And, yet, she'd still died. He hadn't let anyone see his grief. Refused to let others close to him. And Evan knew he'd made a mistake.

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?

Would your eyes be opened?
Or would you walk away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Was there Someone, somewhere, who would look past his failures? He hoped so. His sister believed so. But Evan wasn't the forgiving kind. Oh, he forgave others, but his own failures continually haunted him. The lives he'd taken. The lives he'd lost. The families he'd ripped apart, all in the name of God and country. No, he decided. Not in the name of God. Only in the name of country. He refused to say God ruled his life when he knew that Evan Lorne ruled his life.

Evan sighed and dropped onto his bed. He really needed to do something with all these thoughts. These revelations could distract him in the field, and his team didn't need that. They depended on him to bring them safely home. So many times, he'd taken comfort in that and had refused the simple friendships offered to him. He'd been plastic, trying to appear unaffected when life ripped him to shreds.

No more, he decided. Rising from his position, he moved toward the covered painting. He stopped just short of removing the shroud. It wasn't time. He'd uncover the painting and finish it when the time arrived, but that wasn't what today required. Today. . . . He smiled. Today, he would become a friend.

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today
Feelin' so small?

Author's Note: "Stained Glass Masquerade" was written by Mark Hall and Nichole Nordeman and recorded by Casting Crowns in 2005. It is also part of their "Lifesong" album.