Author's Note: "Take It All" words were written by Mark Lee, music by Third Day, and it was and recorded on Third Day's album, Revelation.

~For my friend~

oOo

Sheppard copied Lorne's CD and returned it the next day. He said nothing about the music, only a quick "Thanks." Lorne left him alone about it, seemingly consumed with his own worries.

For three days, Sheppard listened to the CD in private. After his little breakdown, he'd found comfort in the music. He couldn't explain it, nor did he want to explain it. But the songs, so real and honest, spoke to his heart.

A week after his first listen to the CD, John stormed into his quarters and threw his empty TAC vest on the couch. It didn't make enough noise, and he nearly picked it back up to throw it again. He wanted to break something. Anything. Do whatever it took to get away from the anger.

He'd lost two men that day. Two men serving under his command. Two men who died to get him and his team out alive. Two men whose lives he'd promised to guard and protect. While those men knew and agreed with the danger by choosing to live in a combat zone, Sheppard still saw it as his responsibility to protect them.

He had another regret. Another sin.

Switching on the CD player, he let the music fill his quarters while he took a shower. The hot water washed away the grime from the Wraith prison, but it didn't wash away the shame that coated the inside of his throat and mouth. It didn't soothe the internal cuts that no one saw. Finally despairing of truly getting clean, he turned off the water and dressed.

All the promises I've broken,
All the times I've let You down,
You've forgot them,
But still I hold on to the pain that makes me drown.

The songs had clicked through while he'd been in the shower, and Sheppard knew this was the final song on the CD. He dropped onto his bed, absently picking up his guitar while he listened. He didn't want to think about the promises he'd broken. He wanted to listen to the other song, the one asking God questions, not this one about broken promises.

Now I'm ready
To let it go
To give it away.

He wished he could give it away. He wanted nothing more than to give everything over to Lorne and disappear back to Earth. He'd never do that because Atlantis was his home, his life. He had almost as much blood, sweat, and tears invested in this city as Teyla and Ronon put together. At least, it felt that way some days.

Could he truly give all that away?

Take it all 'cause I can't take it any longer.
All I have, I can't make it on my own.
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest.
Here I am, all I have,
Take it all.

"Take it all," he murmured. Sometime during the song, he'd started playing along. Most of the time, he pretended to be just a flyboy, but he knew the truth. He could have been MENSA. He played guitar by ear. Could probably play the piano if he put his mind to it. Music was math, and he was good at math.

He wasn't good at surrender. Even when Kolya had used a Wraith to torture him, he'd never surrendered. Could he do so, now, when faced with so many decisions?

All the roads that lie before me
All the struggles I go through,
Every second I'm reminded
That it all belongs to You.

It really did belong to God. John shook his head at that realization. God, Who had created the universe, owned everything. He saw death, heartache, the Wraith. Most would question the existence of God given everything they knew about the Ancients. Not John. Ronon said it best. There's always something bigger out there. Besides, Who created the Ancients?

Now I'm ready
To let it go
To give it away.

If it all belonged to God, then he couldn't hold on to it any longer. John stopped playing, letting the guitar strings hum into silence as he thought about that. If everything belonged to God, then he'd become a thief by trying to take it and control it. He couldn't. He barely controlled his own life. What made him think he could control everything else?

Take it all 'cause I can't take it any longer
All I have, I can't make it on my own.
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest
Here I am, all I have
Take it all.

For the first time since he was a child, John Sheppard knelt next to his bed. He had no words to adequately express the depths of anger, of frustration, of grief. Instead, he let the music speak for him, drawing the tears from his eyes. His weeping cleansed a part of him, and he rocked back on his heels.

And ever since I died to myself,
You gave a better life to me.
I give You my finest moment,
I give You the last breath I breathe.

He had truly given his life to God. Oh, he knew he had some big steps yet to take. He had changes to make in his life. But, in giving his life to God, he had died to his own desires, to his own dreams. That death wasn't physical. But it was real. He'd have to stop and think about what God would want before he took a step. He'd have to learn to surrender his will. It wouldn't be easy, but, for the first time in years, he felt free.

Take it all 'cause I can't take it any longer
All I have, I can't make it on my own.
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest
Here I am, all I have
Take it all.

His freedom didn't come from his physical situation. He still had the deaths of two men to cope with, particularly with telling their families. But he wouldn't be alone. He'd accepted that he couldn't handle it all by himself. By surrendering, he'd given his best to God. Those moments when his out-of-the-box ideas saved the day now belonged to a Higher Power. He'd given his final moments. When he thought hope was lost and he'd reached the end, God would be there. He'd given his good times, the times when he and his team laughed until they cried. And he'd given the rest, times like now, when everything fell apart and left him with nothing.

As he drew in a deep breath, John Sheppard realized that, even if he lost everything, he'd still have something. He'd have God.