i haven't updated in forever...BUT THAT IS CHANGING NOW.

also i saw a screening of The Room with Tommy Wiseau and Greg Seresto and they did a Q&A and holy christ it was the most fun i'd had in so long it was fucking hilarious

also chapter is crappy.

"Who the fuck are you?" Dean yelled at the mysterious half-naked young man, whose chiseled torso was smeared in…body glitter.

"I'm Edward Cullen," the stranger said, unfazed. "I'm just out here to…pick wild strawberries. Yes. That's right. Strawberries."

"Guys, help me," Sam begged, sounding thoroughly uncomfortable, which may have stemmed from the fact Edward was gripping him tightly with his head tilted back at an awkward angle. Almost like a vampire would hold its victim, or something.

"Put him down, you fucker!" Dean screamed.

"Oops, sorry. There you go, buddy." Edward dropped Sam and patted his head apologetically. "I'm really sorry about that. It's just…all the homicides I totally did not commit occurred around these woods. When you see a stranger, one would react rather violently at first," Edward explained, sounding like a pompous bastard, "Anyways, I can tell you fine gentlemen are no threat. And, as you can see, it's raining. So, would you care to join my family for a tea party? We live quite close by." He beamed at them, in a rather creepy, predatory way.

"…Um, well, we'll have to…discuss it. We had plans…" Dean trailed off, looking sadly at the sodden picnic basket Castiel was clutching. "Cas?"

Dean and Cas furtively turned away from Edward to discuss things more 'privately'. Sam tried to go over to their little group, but Edward gripped his arm and yanked him back towards his naked upper body. The other two men didn't notice this.

"So, whaddaya say, Cas?"

"Dean," Castiel whispered, sounding enraged, "you can't honestly be considering going with this man!"

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, he seems pretty legit." They both turned to look at Edward in the meadow, who was restraining a very frightened Sam and sniffing his hair.

"Dean," Castiel gritted out, "there is obviously something not right about him. And what with all the murders…"

"Cas," Dean raised a hand, "when I'm faced with the choice of trekking around the wet woods for hours without food, or going home with a strange man with food, I'll go with the weird dude."

"But Dean…"

"Cas, we're going. End of." Dean turned back to the glittery fellow who was currently harassing his brother. "Okay, we'll go with you!"

Edward smiled. "Great."

"By the way, I'm Dean. You'll be glad to know, my gag reflex is practically non-existent. That's Cas. He's an angel, and he does a great sexual trick with lemons, but otherwise he's pretty boring so ignore him. The dude whose hair you're stroking is Sam. He won't swallow, though, so don't waste your time. I, on the other hand, do."

"Lovely to meet you. Now, let's go."

It took them awhile to get back to Edward's place. And when they did, our heroes were certainly in for a surprise. It wasn't what you expected from some random eccentric dude who lived in the middle of a forest. For one thing, it was big, made almost completely of glass, and looked like it was owned by someone whose prime masturbatory aid was an IKEA catalogue. There was a surprising but welcome lack of shrunken heads.

After a stunned silence, Sam joked, "Well, I guess you won't be throwing stones then, haha." Castiel cringed and Dean face-palmed, but Edward kept grinning maniacally. How strange, Castiel thought, his resilience to bad puns is even better than my own. How can this be?

"Come on, let's go in, before our hair gets all frizzy," Edward said, patting his own bouffant quaff, which Sam looked longingly at. I wonder what kind of product he uses, he wondered.

As everyone shuffled into the house, they were greeted by a booming voice from the top of the staircase.

"Ah, Edward! You're back! And you brought…" Meaningful pause. "friends."

"Yes, daddy." Edward said, clasping his hands in front of him as the boomy-voice guy descended the staircase, "I found them in the woods. They're staying for…tonight." He said, with lots of ominous emphasis on the last word. "This is Dean, Caz-teal, and Sam." Castiel stiffened. Fucking prick, he thought.

"Great. Good boy, Eddie." The man turned to our trio and extended his hand. "Pleasure to meet you. I'm Carlisle, Edward's father. I hope you'll enjoy your…" he trailed off, staring at Dean, who, upon hearing he was Edward's father, had pissed himself in an act of submission.

"Sorry," Dean said, blushing and looking away.

Sam was embarrassed. "It's fine, he just does that whenever he meets a father-figure. It stems from our childhood and our dad, really…" he explained hurriedly, and glanced at Dean, "make eye contact, for fuck's sake."

"Sorry," Dean said again, and looked up at Carlisle timidly.

"Cas," Sam said, turning to Castiel, who was trying very hard to ignore what was happening, "use your angel powers to get Dean some new pants. He's an angel," he explained offside to Carlisle.

"An angel? How interesting," Carlisle murmured, smirking a little.

Cas gritted his teeth. He didn't like these people. Sighing, he decided he might as well angel up some new pants for Dean. He tried, and nothing happened. He tried harder, and still nothing, except his face went a very unflattering shade of red. Edward and Carlisle watched with amused expressions.

"What's the hold up?" Dean asked, annoyed.

Sam let out a little laugh. "Sorry, he's a little shy around strangers," he apologized to Carlisle and Edward, and then hissed to Castiel, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I do not know," Castiel panted, "but it's as though…there's something preventing me from…from.."

"Well!" Carlisle interrupting merrily, clapping his hands. "It just so happens, I've got some clean pants that you can wear."

"Really?" Dean asked doubtfully, "would they fit me?"

"I think so," Edward said, "they're an old pair of mine. I used to be fat, you know, before I lost weight with Jenny Craig and got this smokin' hot bod. So yeah, they should fit you."

Dean looked confused. "Are you calling me fat?" he asked, eyes filling with tears, "'cause I'm not, you know! I'm not fat! I'm just big-boned, is all! Tell him, Sam! I'm not fat!"

Sam rubbed his back soothingly. "I know, I know, you're beautiful and I love you." Then he shot Edward a murderous look and mouthed "You asshole!" at him. Edward just smiled.

"…Yes, anyway," Carlisle said, struggling to drag the conversation back on topic, "there's dry pants and some food here for you. I imagine you're all very hungry, aren't you?"

Dean nodded hesitantly, still sniffling from his emotional outburst.

"Yes, well, just down the stairs here," Carlisle continued, opening what appeared to be a basement door, "there's pants and sandwiches and cake and…"

"Pie?" Dean asked hopefully.

"Yes, loads of pie," Carlisle said, "tons. Just go down these stairs…"

Sam shrugged. "Okay, let's go."

Castiel was frantic. He didn't trust these men, and knew there was something wrong. "No, Sam! Dean! Don't!"

"Come on, Cas," Dean said, grabbing his hand. They all walked over to the top step and peered down. It was pitch black. They couldn't even see past the first three stairs.

"Are you sure there's pie down there?" Sam asked, his brow furrowed.

In response, someone pushed him. Apparently, someone had pushed Dean and Cas too, as they all fell down the staircase. Sam whacked his head on what appeared to be a concrete floor. Blearily, he peered up at the only source of light, Edward silhouetted in the doorway.

"Idiots," he tsked, and slammed the door shut.

There was total darkness.

After a moment, Dean spoke.

"You know," he said, "I'm beginning to doubt there is any pie down here at all."

To be continued…