Look at how wildly you grew
Pulling out desire by its roots
Filling in the cracks in your heart with gold
Look at how history shapeshifts
But you learned how to bloom in the spaces
You grew up so soft when you could have grown cold
Hanahaki (Bloom) by mollyofgeography.
iii
Three months he lives with Caroline ignoring him (the way she ignores all of their friends). It is true that indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love. He has tried, with no results, to bring back the anger she felt when he tried to cut ties with her, but it is useless now.
Then the holidays come, Caroline leaves Whitmore and does not come back. For Stefan, it only gets worse.
"She'll be fine, Stefan. Saint Caroline is the most responsible vampire without humanity this world has ever seen. Besides, she told Elena she just wanted to be left alone for a year without bothering. Surely you can live with that for sis or seven months."
He can. The pain every time he coughs flowers and blood doubles by the day, but he is a vampire and this won't kill him, which only means there is no end to this torment.
Jo tells him there is one spell that can erase it all, but Stefan finds that possibility even more of a betrayal than his refusal to admit his own love in the first place.
Sometimes he thinks it must be because he never knew love could be this feeling of utterly peace and comfort Caroline gave him. He took it with hands full, and never questioned it because love used to be Elena, it used to be Katherine, something filled with passion that ignited from the first glance but also the tortuous torment that came with it. He took this bond he shared with Caroline for granted, and now he knows torment of a different kind.
Although he gets worse, he does not want to erase it. He'd rather have Caroline back, tell her the truth, and wait for the rejection that follows.
One day he goes to New Orleans thinking he will find her there, Jo's locator spell tells him she is there, but there are no traces of Caroline once he gets there and, much to his surprise, Klaus has not met her either.
One thing to be grateful for.
Bonnie comes back and she finds out on her first day.
"I can't believe this is happening to you, too. Who is it?"
"What do you mean with this happening to me, too. Do you know someone else who went through this?"
"Caroline never told you in all these months, then?"
It occurs to him before Bonnie says it, because this is the missing piece of the puzzle, the reason why he could not understand Caroline switching it off and giving up on the humanity she had always held on so close.
"Since when?"
"I saw it first when I was on the Other Side. After Tyler left."
He should have let Damon kill Tyler all those years ago.
How could she endure it for so long?
He's been like this for a few months and he already fantasizes, from time to time, with taking out his rind and walking right under the sunlight.
"Care to explain what the hell is going on?" Damon, who must have been eavesdropping for a while, chooses to make his entrance now, his eyes focused on the blood on Stefan's face, then his hands, then the daisies on the floor.
Well, so much for keeping it a secret.
"Stefan is suffering from Hanahaki, one of the rare illnesses that affects beings of magic. You two live together, how come you did not see this?"
"Excuse me, I was trying to make Elena remember me and find a way to bring you back from the prison world." Damon retorts. "What kind of illness is this?"
"It affects those who suffer from one-sided love."
Stefan waits for what is coming. His brother blinks, then bursts into laughter.
"Yes, I am sure this is fun for you."
"You gotta be kidding me. This is not for Elena, is it?"
"I told you, I've been over Elena for a while now."
"Then who?"
He refuses to tell his truth to others when he has not even had the chance to tell Caroline herself, so he purses his lips tightly together, and sits on the couch covering his face with both hands.
"Wait, Care Bear?"
"..."
"Stefan, in love with Caroline?" Bonnie voices in disbelief.
"You're right, Bonnie, it cannot be the vampire barbie, it has to be unrequited after all. Everyone with eyes could see she likes him."
This has Stefan lift his head and look at his brother. Is he delusional?
"But Caroline…" it seems like Bonnie thinks the same, and she is ready to argue, but then frowns and remains silent for another eternal minute. "Well, I admit it looked like there would be something there, but Caroline… she's had Hanahaki for a while now. Years, even."
"Maybe she thought Stefan was still mopping over his ex. Who knows?" Damon shrugs. "These two idiots surely match each other well."
It does not make sense. Why would Caroline even want him that way?
But what if it is true?
If she loved him, and he left… It would really be his fault that she switched it off.
"I've got to go."
Minutes later, he is at Elena's dorm. Stefan knows she might not be the most reliable person to ask this. Damon and Bonnie havent been around for months (in the laters case it has almost been a year) but Elena had been hallucinating with Damon and then having Alaric compel her to forget.
"Did Caroline ever say anything about me?"
Elena raises an eyebrow.
"She said a lot of things about you, Stefan. I think you need to be more specific."
"I need to know if she turned it off because of me."
The silence that follows becomes a heavy weight on his shoulders.
"Stefan… Do you have feelings for her, or something?"
"I…" He looks down, trying to find the right words, but there aren't any. How do you start saying you love someone so much the thought of it being impossible makes you sick? "Yes."
"Of course, everyone with eyes could see it. But I'll be honest, Caroline is not the type of person who would turn it off only because the guy she likes rejects her."
Even Elena saw it, then.
"I never rejected her."
It is a void statement, because he knows better. Before he dared to see how his friendship with Caroline had been changing, it already became more. He rejected her the moment he refused to acknowledge this shift in their relationship.
"I am sorry, Stefan. That is not what it looked like when she asked you to stay, and then you left. You did not see her crying after that."
It is a strange thing, what happens when he realizes how wrong he was in his assumptions and actions in the aftermath of the travelers.
It is all his fault, and he should be wallowing in guilt (in certain moments he is), but he can also breathe again.
He coughed up the full bloomed flowers only once, right after his conversation with Elena, a reaction to his disgust with himself and the way he lied to himself all this time. It does not happen again after that, in the weeks he spends searching for Caroline.
"What are you doing here?" She glances at him for a second or two, then turns back her attention to her drink at the bar. "Did you finally decide to have a good time?"
"I came looking for you." He walks towards her, closing the remaining distance, until their arms are brushing.
"I am not going back, Stefan. I am having fun, finally enjoying the perks of being a vampire. Relax, I haven't killed anyone. Why won't you leave me alone?"
"I can't. I need you."
"I don't care."
A lesson learned, when he finally finds her, he does not waste time.
"I love you, Caroline. I don't know when it became more than friendship, but it did. And I never thought you and I could happen, not when you knew the king of things I have done, so I ignored it, but I can't do that anymore."
She laughs at him. "Wow, so you finally spit it out. A little bit too late, Stefan. It doesn't matter anymore, so leave me alone."
He grabs her arm when she turns her back on him, and brings her closer to him this time.
They have been closer than this before. He recalls sleeping next to each other, the smell of her hair as he closed his eyes, and the flush of her body, so warm. Back then he did not see what he sees now, so everything is different.
"If there is any chance for us at all, please, come back to me."
For a second, there is a familiar glint crossing her eyes, and when his thumb caresses her cheek, she trembles so slightly it could have gone unnoticed if it were anyone else. There is hope.
Until she glares at him.
"You shouldn't have done that. You were right Stefan, you and me, it's not gonna happen. Ever. I am cured now, and I won't go back there."
Lies.
These are all lies to force her hand.
Hate is a feeling she shouldn't be experiencing, but there is a moment when Caroline hates him, as she turns her back on him and starts walking away. How dare he?
Because of him, she almost forgot what it felt like to breathe without difficulties. Now he says it was not unrequited after all?
What a joke.
And then something happens. The distinct smell of his blood reaches her.
Stefan falls to his knees, and when she turns to look at him her first thought is that there is a hunter. Someone must have shot him, how else can it be explained? She needs to get out, now!
When her eyes fall on the blood soaked flowers, however, she can't move.
What is the meaning of this?
Instead of running away, she walks towards him once more.
"Why?"
"Because I love you and I ruined it all."
There is so much hurt, so much regret in his eyes. And he is so pale, she has a horrible memory of Stefan looking like this, right after Tyler took out his heart.
When he died for her (and the possibility of losing him forever almost killed her, too).
"You love me…"
She'd cut all of the strings tying them together, and the instant she accepts this truth, they are glued back together, stronger than before, shaking her to her core.
So she cries.
Stefan leads her out of the bar, but then Caroline is the one to point the way to the hotel where she's been staying, and, once they arrive and all they are surrounded with is darkness and silence, she laughs at the absurdity of this situation. Both of them are absurd. There is this rare illness of unrequited love that no vampire ever gets, but it turns out it isn't one sided at all.
"I don't want to ruin all your fun, but your mom has been worried for you these months, so maybe we should head back to Mystic Falls."
It hits her. How careless she'd been, choosing to give up her humanity after being hurt, without considering she was hurting the people who loved her.
"Oh, god."
"Everything is fine, Caroline. You were the most self controlled vampire without humanity the world has ever seen."
His words are little comfort, but his hold on her hand tightens, and his free hand goes back to caress her cheek as he did earlier, and she basks in the warmth of his touch.
"I am so sorry for everything." He whispers. "For leaving after Damon and Bonnie were gone, and pretending I could stop caring. I am sorry for hurting you. This was all my fault."
"No, this is not your fault, Stefan. I missed you, and I was hurt, but the reason why I did this… you were never under any obligation to stay with me just because I'm in love with you."
She gathers enough courage to look him in the eye, and the way he is looking at her…
Stefan leans in to kiss her, a soft touch that turns into a fire once their lips melt together. It burns the roots that did not let her breathe before, and she tastes freedom.
He keeps kissing her and kissing her and Caroline knows, at that moment, she will never have enough of him.
The true first date comes after they are back to Mystic Falls.
It is fitting that he brings her a bouquet of daisies.