Deeks side of the story

Marty Deeks knows he will probably end up regretting this decision but he needs to do what's best for him too, once in a while. He can feel her eyes burning two holes on the top of his head but he won't look up. He can't. Deeks knows that looking up will be the death of him. He's doing what needs to be done and there's no going back now. He's not meant to be here. He's meant to be working at LAPD, not NCIS. Accepting this job turned out to be a giant mistake. Sure, everyone hates him at LAPD but at least there he won't have to deal with his partner's lack of trust.

Yes, he's leaving because Kensi doesn't trust him. It sounds as stupid in his head as everyone probably thinks it is but he can't help it. He needs her to trust me and has given her more than enough time to do so. They've been partners for 7 months and it still feels like he's an outsider. Maybe that's what he is. Maybe that's what he's meant to be for the rest of his life. He is capable of accepting that, has been doing so for years now. Deeks won't admit it out loud but it's not the thought of his partner not trusting him that pisses him off enough to leave. It's the thought of Kensi not trusting him that does it for him.

He hears her coming downstairs and feels his anger and frustration taking control of his body and mind. He just needs to hear the words. He will stay if she asks him to. All she needs to do is actually say that she wants him here, that she trusts him, and that she wants no one else to be her partner…he needs to hear it from her mouth. Chances are she will never actually say that but a guy can hope.

She stops and looks at him. He can feel her eyes on him, even though he's trying hard not to make eye-contact with her. Nothing good would come out of that, he's sure of it. Then she talks and her voice seems so broken he almost runs to her and takes her in his arms. But she's still trying hard to remain strong, to pretend nothing's wrong. That pisses him off once again and all thoughts of comforting her fly out of the window.

"This is it, then? You're really going to leave?" Deeks almost laughs with that question but the situation is far too serious for that. They both know that's not what she wants to ask. She wants to ask of he's leaving her. He is and she knows it but the answer would break her. That's why she doesn't ask the question.

Deeks doesn't know how much more of this he can actually take. It's too much for him. He needs to leave this place as soon as possible. He needs to leave it all behind. He needs to leave her behind. It sounds an awful lot like an impossible task so he does what's right. He tries to push her away, even if that kills him.

"I told you that my decision was final. I don't belong here." His words are meant to hurt her. He needs to do so, otherwise she won't stay away and he won't be strong enough to avoid her for a very long time. Kensi is a fighter, though, and doesn't let him get away with such an easy answer. He knew she wouldn't. She knows him better than that, even though she will never actually say the words out loud.

"I'm not stupid, Deeks. Why are you leaving?" Deeks wants to tell her she is a lot stupider than what she thinks because all he needs is to hear from her mouth that she wants him to stay and he will drop the act and hug her, never letting go. He knows she won't do it so he keeps on going, never once forgetting his goal. He needs her to stay as far away from him as possible. That probably means that he will have to break her heart but Callen and Sam will be there to fix everything. That thought is enough to break his own heart because he's the one who's supposed to be there for her, through thick and thin. He's walking away. Maybe that makes him a coward but he can't help it.

Deeks grabs the mug she's given him for his birthday and throws it to the box with a lot more force than necessary, to make her truly believe that he's angry at her. He wants her to think that there is no way to fix this mess. It's for the best, or so he tells himself to soothe the pain that just won't leave his chest. He walks to her. She's the one who won't meet his eyes this time so he grabs her chin to make her look at him.

He will never tell her that he does that just so he can touch her, knowing this might be the last time he gets to do so.

He will never tell her he makes her look into his eyes because this might be his last chance to ever look into those bright orbs he loves so much and that read him so well.

He will never tell her that he walks that close to her so he can smell her perfume and engrave it in his mind.

"You want the truth? I'll give you the truth but we will never talk about this again. I'm leaving because I can't stand to work with you, Kensi. I know you're complicated but this is just pushing my patience to a limit, okay? It pisses me off to know that everyone in the building knows you better than what I do. That makes me sick because you've been my partner for 7 months now and I still have the feeling that you don't trust me, that you don't really want me here. I'm leaving because you give me no other choice. I don't belong here. Everyone hates my at LAPD but at least I won't have to look at my partner every single day and have that little voice inside my head telling me she doesn't trust me. I'm done saving someone who clearly doesn't want to be saved."

There's so much more he wants to say.

He wants to say goodbye.

He wants to promise her he will never forget her.

He wants to tell her she will forever have a very special place inside his heart.

He wants her to know that all it takes is one phone call and he will be there for her, no matter what the problem is.

He doesn't say any of those things because it's dangerous territory. He needs to get away. He needs her to stay away.

Deeks drops her chin and walks away without looking back. Looking at her would make him weak again. Besides, if he looked back, she would be able to see the tears in his eyes, the ones he just can't stop.

She will never know just how much she means to him.

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Two weeks…he's been gone for two weeks and he's almost sure than those have been the worst two weeks of his life. Every single time he closes his eyes to sleep he sees images of the one who is no longer his partner. Every single time he tries to focus on anything his mind is invaded with images of her. Deeks doesn't know what to do anymore and wonders if giving up on something you're completely addicted to feels like this. Yes, because he's fairly sure he's addicted to Kensi Blye. The good news is that admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. The bad news is that he's sure that there's no support group for those who are trying to walk away from Kensi. Too bad…he could really use some help.

It's late and he knows he should probably be on his way home right now but there's something that just won't let him leave. Maybe it's because he knows that his house is far too empty and gives him too much time to think. The constant nightmares are not very appealing either.

He feels her perfume even before he sees her. Deeks looks down and pretends to be busy with some paperwork lying on his desk. He can't look at her. That would be the death of him. Kensi stops in front of his desk. She puts an envelope with his name written on it in front of his eyes and he sees her hand shaking slightly. She's nervous and he feels very tempted at the moment. He wants to see what those papers are but he doesn't. He wants to grab her hand gently to keep her from shaking and to calm her nerves but he doesn't. Calming her down is not his job anymore. She knows he is not going to grab the envelope anytime soon and that's probably why she breaks the silence between them.

"Hetty wanted you to become an agent. She was going to give you these but you decided to leave so…" Deeks looks up then but not with that smile he's tempted to send her way. He looks up because he needs to see her one more time. He needs to know she's okay, despite all of what he's putting her through. He fakes his hanger and frustration and prays she won't be able to tell he's lying because that would be bad, for both of them.

"I thought I had made myself very clear when I talked to you two weeks ago. I'm not going to become an agent. I'm not going back. Now, leave me alone!" He turns back to the non-existent paperwork and prays she will leave as soon as possible. Why can't she just give up? His life is already complicated enough as it is. The last thing he needs is a relapse. Kensi takes the envelope and turns to leave. He almost lets out a sigh of relief but then she turns back around. It takes all his willpower not to meet her eyes again. The little evil voice inside of him tells him that it will be just this once but the rational part of his brain warns him that one more look at her and he's going to lose it. She speaks again and her voice sounds so broken he just wants to take her in his arms and never let her go.

"I'll leave but I have one more question to you. If something were to happen to me, would you still care?" Deeks doesn't look up but that question breaks what was left of his already fragile heart. He digs his fingers in his palm to restrain himself. He can't answer her. He can't look at her. It kills him to know that she thinks he wouldn't care if something were to happen to her. It kills him to know she thinks he doesn't care anymore. He would kill for her. Hell, he would die for her. A part of him knows this goes way beyond just a simple partnership. He's not ready to admit the real extend of his feelings for her and that's probably for the best.

She turns back and leaves, taking his heart with her without even knowing. It's a good thing she doesn't turn back around again because the tears that are running down his cheeks would clearly give him away and she would be able to tell just how much he cares. He watches her leave and fights against the urge that makes him want to chase her and beg her to never leave his sight again. This is not what he wants. This is not what he wants her to have. She deserves to be happy but this is for the best. He doesn't want to hurt her but someday she will thank him for this, or so he hopes.

One day she will realize he did it for her, not just because of his stupid selfish reasons.

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One more chapter to go

Tell me what you think about this one and the next one will be up as soon as possible…

Sarah