Chapter Seven
"Hello, Harry." The old man lay on a lounge chair dressed in nightclothes and a robe. He looked exceptionally pale and frail. Snape stood beside him. "You can go Severus, I know you have many things to do," Dumbledore said. He waved him off with a frail shake of his hand and a smile.
Snape bowed slightly and left the room.
"Hello, Professor, how are you?" Harry asked, as he sat in an ornate high-backed blue satin chair.
"I'm fine Harry, just fine," Dumbledore replied and turned the smile on him. Harry could see some of the old light in his face. He patted Harry's hand and said very softly, "Let's talk."
"Are you sure you're up to it, Professor? We can always do this another time," Harry said feeling worried.
"No," Dumbledore said and shook his head, frowning slightly. "No, I made the mistake of keeping things from you for years. I won't make that mistake again. We need to talk."
Harry nodded.
"No questions, Harry?" Dumbledore asked watching him carefully. "You've always had questions. No? All right, I'll begin. Severus has told me what the two of you have done and what you guessed. Both of you are very clever and for the most part you have guessed correctly, but not completely so."
"So you are a… Guardian," Harry stuttered.
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes. I am. One of few that remain. And…the others… well, they must remain unnamed for a number of reasons. I have a purpose, duties, should we say, that span much more than my obligations here at Hogwarts. They are very important duties and there the explanation must end." He continued, "But I want to relieve your mind. You are not the next Guardian nor must we concern ourselves about the future in that way. It's best to fight one enemy at a time, don't you think? We have enough to be thinking about concerning Voldemort."
"Someone else has been chosen as Guardian, Professor?" Harry asked.
"Yes, Neville Longbottom."
"Neville!" Harry started. "Really!"
"Yes Harry, Neville. You have turned him into quite a good warrior. He has accepted this 'position' if you would like to call it that," Dumbledore said smiled again. "I have talked to him several times about it."
"I turned him into a warrior?" Harry repeated in surprise.
"Let me explain something, Harry." Dumbledore began. "There are many things that help us to find our inner strengths. Sometimes, people will fight for a cause, and sometimes for a person. Neville has been a loyal friend to you."
Dumbledore stared into the distance as if thinking about something and continued, " Oh, I don't want you to think he fights just for you. He fights for his parents and for others, but what has made him strong and a good candidate was his love for you," Dumbledore said, sitting up stiffly. "Just as Severus, who was so badly wounded as a child, who has no care for himself, who cannot fight for himself, will fight for me. He told me of your Legilimency while I was unconscious." Dumbledore smiled. "It was extremely brave of you to help me Harry and I appreciate it."
Harry thought about what he was saying and then chose his own words carefully, "Professor, you sent Severus to Voldemort. You asked him to take the Dark Mark and spy for you. You're using him and it could mean his death!"
"Yes, yes, I am aware of it, Harry," Dumbledore replied, his blue eyes reflected the sadness he felt. "But not against his will, never against his will. He knows what he does and he does it because he has regained his capacity to love, to care. We will do many things if we love someone. I told you once that you survived because your mother spent her life's blood to protect you; shielded you with her love. Severus believes the only way he can repay his debt is to do this. Harry, it's not just the debt he owes me, or the one he thinks he owes me, because I believe there is none. He has been there for me as many times as I have been there for him. It is not a matter of keeping score and never has been."
"Then what?" Harry asked.
"Do you not know? You shared each other's minds. If you cannot find the answer there then I have none to give you." Dumbledore's said his puzzled eyes searched his face.
"For his father," Harry said. The words left his mouth and even surprise him for a moment. He knew it and yet had not allowed himself to look at the memory and the emotions he had sensed in Snape. "He feels guilty for not being able to love his father and for loving you instead." Harry thought about it for a moment and added, "But why? His father abused him so badly. I saw it when I was taking Occlumency from him. For a moment we shared minds." (He wasn't going to admit he saw the boy who was to become Snape covered in welts and bruises in Albus' mind).
"Did you? Ah, the mysteries of the human soul, Harry." Dumbledore said and shook his head. "I have no special gift for understanding it all." He scratched his chin and again gazed out through a window, staring into space.
"Will you tell me about my father, Professor?" Harry asked, "Snape…"
"Professor Snape, Harry, or Severus, if you like," Dumbledore reminded him.
"Yes. I think Mr. Snape was jealous of my father because you chose him as Guardian. Then, I was born and Voldemort couldn't kill me. Mr. Snape thought I would be the next Guardian and I think he thought I would fail and turn into a dark wizard."
"Yes, for a time he did," Dumbledore admitted. "Some of the things you did and some of the things he thought you were doing led him to believe you would become a dark wizard," Dumbledore said. He stood and moved slowly about the room. "He thought there was evidence you were 'corrupted'. Dumbledore shook his head and sighed, " That word is so…corrupted. There is no black and white when it comes to human beings. We cannot be all good or all bad."
He continued, "Anyway, he was protective of me. The position I hold, as you know, he could not take himself. However, he has been forever protective and critical of me and my choices. As you've probably noticed, he doesn't always agree with them. As for how he feels about you or thinks of you, I have only but a glimpse into that. As I said, There is no black and white when it comes to humans. He may have been jealous of you at one time, but he is now a mature, grown man. I doubt he still feels jealousy.
"What then?" Harry asked. "It's obvious he dislikes me."
"I do not know, Harry."
Harry thought about Neville. How Snape had bullied him for six years because Neville had been such a poor wizard. What is he going to do to poor Neville now that Neville is chosen as a Guardian? he wondered.
"The Sorting Hat gave us wisdom when it repeatedly said we should take care of one another. Neville will need your help in the future, Harry. I hope he has the same kind of support and love I've gotten over the years from my friends," Dumbledore said firmly and turned to him. "We mustn't forget we still have a formidable enemy who continues to plague us. That is what we must concentrate on now."
They sat in silence. Harry considered the older man.
His warm smile played over Harry's face; he shook his head, and added, "In this cruel and lonely world Harry, we are fortunate to have people who love us. Very fortunate. But what I think is more important is that we find someone to love." Dumbledore watched him closely, and continued, "For some reason there are those who will search all their lives for the one person they love and who could not love them in return. You lost your father and never had a chance to know him. You lost Sirius and never had a chance to be with him. Harry, you're always looking for another person to love, when you fail miserably to recognize it is all around you. You search as if your thirst will never be quenched when there are those who would accept it freely."
"That's not true Professor, I know my wife and my friends love me," Harry objected. "And I love them."
"Do you? Or do you mouth the words? I think you believe you love them but you cannot feel it." The blue eyes penetrated his and the words were emphasized. "What is it you want child? What are you looking for?"
Harry fought the mesmerizing pull of his words and his personal charisma. He jumped to his feet and paced the room, feeling the explosion coming, "Something that makes it all worthwhile, Professor! Something that takes the pain away. A reason for why it all has to be this way!" Harry groaned and felt the ache deep inside. "I need a reason to live, Professor. I need a reason to fight! I…I am afraid, all right?! Is that what you want to hear? If I get too close, people suffer. If I face Voldemort and die, people suffer. IF I love and those I love are taken away from me, I suffer. What's the use of trying? It's easier not to open up your heart only to know it will be crushed" Harry collapsed into a chair, his eyes dry and tearless. "I don't have much of a future, why should I risk really caring about someone when in the end they will suffer."
"I hate to see your despair, Harry," Dumbledore said. "You have to find something to hold onto, something worthwhile."
"I want to know..." Harry groaned. "You all have been keeping secrets from me about my parents, about my father being Guardian. Why?" He stood and faced the old man. "I feel like I have no control over my life. Everything has been decided for me long before I was even born. Just when I think I can go on with my life then something else comes up. First, it was the Prophecy, then it is this business of the Guardians. My father was a Guardian. Although you tell me I was not chosen, I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is it that you and Snape won't tell me?"
"And you think knowing more about your father or the past will take this pain away, Harry? That it will make it any easier?" Dumbledore asked gently. He stood and placed a hand on his shoulder, looking down at Harry's bowed head. "You're chasing a phantom. You will spend your life doing it." Dumbledore sighed softly.
He continued, "You have a right to be frightened. What you face is formidable. The road you take is not easy, but you cannot find the strength you need by looking back. You must find it around you. People tell you they love you and it has no effect; you can't let it in. You're more afraid to love someone back then to go on, feeling all alone. Yes, you may lose people you love; we all have. Still, as I have repeatedly said, love is the single most powerful weapon you have."
Harry stared up into his headmaster's face and mumbled, "I just don't understand what you're trying to tell me."
Dumbledore shook his head and walked over to his lounge chair, his back to Harry and said, "Harry, I am a bit tired and I want the time to tell you about your father. However, I think perhaps you would like to return to your new wife. You still have some of the summer left before school starts. This will be your last year here and we want to make the most of it."
"What about Moody and Kingsley Shacklebolt… and Cornelius Fudge and Percy Weasley?" Harry asked as he made ready to leave.
"There is nothing you can do about them," Dumbledore answered, turning to look at him sternly.
"But, Professor?" Harry protested.
"No, Harry!" Dumbledore said firmly, frowning. "If you are thinking you should be involved in a rescue attempt I want to tell you that you're too valuable to risk in such an attempt. Sometimes, as leaders we have to make decisions we find hard to live with. These wizards and witches which are part of our army are warriors in a war and they knew the risks they faced. You must leave this to me."
"I understand, Professor," Harry said, although he did not understand and felt angry once again. He turned to leave.
"Harry, you must promise me you will not interfere," Dumbledore insisted. He was bent, failing in his strength, and yet his voice was clear and demanding.
Harry nodded, not forming the words. "Professor. I'd like to know about my father. What it means to be a Guardian. I sense that whatever it means, it put him on the road to his own death; his and my mothers'. You want me to have hope in the future, to open myself up to my friends and my wife when it' pretty clear it's the wrong thing to do; the most dangerous thing to do. You criticize me for not letting people in. Maybe if you and others had told me the truth I wouldn't feel so defenseless. In any case, I'd like to know before something happens to me. And, I insist that you tell me soon."
Dumbledore looked at him and nodded. "Yes, Harry. When I am rested," he said.
6