annyeonghaseyo~~
sorry it's taken me so long...the whole thing about updating once a week once i got ten chapters done...was slightly bull -_-
but i do have a lot done...so there should be some relitively active updating, in theory.
well, here you go.
***Chapter 1.1***
Once again Seunghyun found himself facing his closest friend. His face was twisted in pain, eyes stained from tears long ago shed, but so harshly that they left a scar of their presence. Seunghyun couldn't help but think even in this painful state, the boy above him was the cutest creature on the planet. In their years together, he had said this many a time to the boy, who in return would smile just a little wider, his face would light up just a little bit more, he would seem just a little bit happier. Seunghyun came to use this method to console the fragile person, who, he learned fairly quickly, was not the happy go lucky persona he put on to the public.
So badly, Seunghyun wanted to whisper these words, words that only he said, into his friend's ear. So badly did he want to remove the pain-stricken expression from the young man's face. But underneath the pain, he saw anger. Bitter hate and betrayal fueled the anger that burned deep in the eyes and soul of the boy. Seunghyun knew that this strong emotion was for him and him alone to see. For these vicious emotions, that seemed to swallow him...was directed towards him. Seunghyun knew he had no right to comfort the soft being, for the pain he was continuously struck with was caused by him. Seunghyun knew he was the reason and therefore could not bring himself to strike back at the boy.
Seunghyun was on his knees in front of his friend, held up only by that said friend's hand clutching his collar ever so tightly. Blood dripped down from the corner of his mouth and he could feel the skin begin discoloring around his left eye and cheek. His jaw felt kind of weird...'Probably dislocated...' he thought as he watched the figure before him pull back for another round. He thought he dissevered this...no. He knew he deserved this...for this was nothing compared to what he had put the present 'prosecutor' through. He knew this...accepted this...Seunghyun believed this. He did slump when the fist, well, the knuckles connected with his right cheekbone. He stayed as straight as he could as the third onslaught befell him. He held his head straight, not hanging. He did not allow his eyes to close. He watched as his closest friend locked eyes with him as he continued on. He wanted to make sure Seunghyun saw what he was feeling...this was his way of submitting, not allowing himself to be simply whacked around, but standing his ground in order to feel the full force and so that every thought, every meaning was caught. Those important things are lost in the spastic flopping of some, but Seunghyun tried his best to catch every word as each blow connected.
Finally, the boy stopped...he threw Seunghyun to the ground, as he had done many times previously, and also like those times, he tried to get back up, but this time he found a forceful kick to the chest preventing him. He slammed into the damp ground of the early morning. The sun was just beginning to peak over the tree line. The boy bent down far, till his nose and Seunghyun's were close to touching. Staring into his eyes, he said the words that filled each of Seunghyun's nightmares, the words he feared most in the world, the only words that could bring him to the edge of breaking...yet he did not simply say them...or scream them for the world to hear. No, this was something private...something for only them to experience. The boy's warm chocolate eyes turned cold, his gaze steadied. Just barely above a whisper, audible for only him, slowly...clearly...he pronounced the words, letting each syllable sink in and watching the effect as he broke the man laying beneath him.
"I. Hate. You. I hate you Choi Seunghyun." He straightened and looked down on him...watching him slowly begin to hyperventilate. "For the rest of my existence I will allow this hatred to fester and grow in my heart in the space you used to occupy. No longer will I bring myself the pain of you."
Seunghyun shot up stark-straight in the full size bed. His various quilts and blankets buried the floor around the frame. Beads of sweat rolled down Seunghyun's body, drenching every inch of him. Drowning him in his own body. His eyes were wide and he was breathing as though he had just ran twenty miles straight. He used his arm to support himself in order to avoid falling into the puddle behind him. He let out a sigh of relief as he realized that yet again, this was just another dream...foreshadowing his future.
For the past five years, dreams along the lines of the one he had just experienced, had haunted him. So many times...he had woken with tears in his eyes and running down his cheeks. His pillows wore the stains from restless nights. Although he believed he deserved what happened in his dreams...it did not stop them from hurting him so badly.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, his feet touching the ground. He did not bother to wipe his eyes...there was no one here to see him anyway. Jiyong was the one would had shared the apartment with him. Jiyong was the one who left him so long ago. Seunghyun made his way slowly to the bathroom at the other end of the room, carefully placing his foot flatly on the floor, ready to catch himself if he lost his balance. This was happening quite often recently. His nerves were shot and his body weak, the lack of sufficient sleep was slowly draining him. He was aware of this and unsure of how much more he could really take.
He showered and brushed his teeth and hair...not bothering to style. The make-up artists had forbidden him from doing it himself ever since he had accidentally grabbed the industrial adhesive instead of the gel. In his defense, those two shouldn't really be sitting next to each other in the first place. Their bottles resembled each other. It had brought tears to their eyes when they had to shave his head...Seunghyun threw on a pair of slacks, his normal wife-beater, and a heavy red jacket. Winter was close and the temperatures weren't exactly pleasant in his book.
He was actually early to rehearsal. This had not happened in a very long time. He had beat everyone, which was also very surprising considering Daesung had taken to being at least an hour early. He had taken it upon himself to try his very best to kept BigBang together until their leader could return. They all believed it would happen...even Seunghyun. 'I wonder where Chipmunk-hubae is...'. He shrugged, not actually worried. He would probably be here any second, with his trademark smile and questions as to why he was here so early. He shed his coat and retied his sneakers. He stood in front of the wall with the ballet mirror. He was surprised to see that the definition of his muscles was still visible...he hadn't been in the gym in months...he didn't have the energy. He turned on the stereo, of which he was glad that their last practice demo was still in. Seunghyun took his place in front of the mirror once again and slowly began to move to the music...to feel the beats...to feel the bass pounding in his chest. Before he knew it...he was dancing the choreography they had been taught nearly two months ago...they had dropped the routine because he was having difficulty getting it down.
Seunghyun closed his eyes and gave the beats full control of his movements. He hadn't felt this good in so long. Too long. This was how he felt when he would dance with Jiyong...but he wouldn't think about that now. He cleared his mind and let his body rest and regenerate the only way it knew.
~so...there you go. i'll have an update up soon~
comments? thoughts and suggestions are always good ^^
peace, loves, and many french fries [or whatever junkie foods yous likes]
나의 사랑스러운 독자 ~