Chapter 3
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing even though I really want to.
If he squinted and tilted his head just a little to the left, it looked like a sheep with a bowler hat, or maybe that was just his imagination because really, it was a brown splodge on the ceiling and how many things can a brown splodge really resemble? A spider scuttled past bringing his total up to…fifteen, sixteen if you counted that spider he thought he had counted twice and seventeen if you included the thing that looked like a spider but had twelve legs by his last count. Though he hadn't been able to get a good look at it, Cloud didn't have any great appreciation for spiders. Oh sure, they were nature's way of the keeping the insect population down or whatever, but as far as Cloud was concerned, the spiders could do what they wanted, as long as they were a good five feet away from him when they did it. Because nothing with that many legs was good for your general health.
"Hey man, you can stare at that thing all you want, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to come to life." He rolled on his side to glare at his roommate. Ichigo was actually a nice guy, once you got past the fact that he had enrolled in the military as part of a drunken dare, knew more about fire and matchsticks than Genesis knew about Loveless and could curse fluently in about twelve different languages. That aside, he was relatively normal compared to some of the recruits, which said a lot about the place he was in. But Ichigo was possibly the closest friend he had among the cadets and was fiercely loyal to those he considered as friends.
"So my backwater comrade, what's causing your deep consternation?" he asked smirking. Ichigo liked to pretend that he was the resident shrink, which was great except that his advice usually consisted of consumption of copious amounts of alcohol, sex or some obscure combination of the two. His personal favorite was when a cadet (who in Cloud's opinion must have always been brain dead right from the start) used an untested materia on a higher-up who had been on their cases for ages, as a means of stress relief. The good news was that all it had proceeded to do was summon a Cactuar that then tap-danced in front of the witless summoner. The bad news was that the higher-up in question was terrified of cactuars for some unknown reason and had a mini-panic attack in the cafeteria. Oh well, at least they got the day off because they were busy cleaning up the cafeteria after that.
He shrugged, not really keen on divulging, "I'm fine. Just the usual stress." Ichigo raised a pierced eyebrow. "Right, because it's perfectly normal for you to glare at the ceiling and wait for it to spontaneously combust? So what is it? Let's see… family issues? No, that can't be it, you always get a weekly letter from your mum and swear in Nibel but that's normal. There hasn't been any increase in your swearing or anything so I guess that rules out family. Oh, unless some old unknown family member kicked the bucket and left you, like a gold mine or something? Yeah right, why'd you still be hanging around Shinra then, you would have high tailed it out of here ages ago.
Uh….you're taking Zack's advice and dropping out of Shinra's cadet program and opening a noodle stand in Wall Market next to the guy who sells the momos?" Cloud's mouth opened and closed uselessly, like a goldfish. "I'm doing what?" he managed to sputter. "Right, so Lieutenant Fair didn't really fill you in on that one yet. Never mind then. Hey did that creepy Turk hit on you again, Reno, I think his name was. Though I'm pretty sure after the last time, he's keeping his distance. You broke his arm in how many places? That brings us to… relationship problems?"
Cloud's flushed face answered his doubts almost instantaneously. "No way! Seriously, who's the chick and why haven't you brought her back to meet us? Should I be just a little more offended? Whoa man! You didn't get her pregnant did you?" If the universe was kind, a giant hole would have mysteriously appeared, swallowed him up whole and then vanished. The universe however was sorely lacking in the kindness department and Cloud was left to fend for himself. "No," he managed to squeak, "We haven't even…I mean," there were times in Cloud's life that he sincerely wished that he would take some time to think before speaking. It would have saved him a lot of embarrassment.
He watched with growing trepidation as Ichigo's grin grew even larger taking up the cast majority of his face. This was the stuff he waited for; it was almost as good as the one nut-job who had believed he was Cleopatra. Cloud scrambled backwards until his back touched the wall, as though the few extra centimeters of space would act as some sort of saving grace, "Now Cloud," he began, his eyes gleaming, "There's nothing to worry about. Don't be ashamed. Plenty of men have performance anxiety. It's perfectly natural. You've got to understand that this stuff isn't automatic you know? Take it slow, enjoy the ride, but remember time and tide wait for no man! Have no fear, I, Ichigo have the answer to all your problems." He dug around in his trunk, muttering; "Now where'd I keep those puppets?"
Cloud wanted to die, there was no way he was having this conversation with his roommate of all people. This was just wrong on so many levels. "It has nothing to do with sex!" he blurted out. Ichigo froze, fixing him with a calculating stare. "Really, well man, you really do have problems. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to drag it out of you?"
The blond swallowed before nervously plunging in, "It's really boring stuff, I'm sure you wouldn't be interested. But over the last month or so, things have changed between us. It's all kinds of stuff, big and small and sometimes I feel like my bo...er...girlfriend is a totally different person than the one I fell in love with." "You mean like she's a stranger?" he asked ignoring the slip-up. "Yeah, I guess."
"Cloud my friend, congratulations. You've now experienced one of the most common problems experienced by all couples worldwide. Dude, of course she seems different! You're getting to know her better!" "I think it might be a bit different than that."Cloud added dryly. "Not really, I mean look at it this way. Sometimes when you start out, you're more reserved around the person because face it; you don't know what to expect. But once you start getting more used to the person, you'll let your true self out more often. So yeah, maybe those quirks your girlfriend had when you started out just got a bit magnified when you got closer as a couple." "I…guess," he said unsurely. "Come on dude, what did she do? Dye her hair, get a weird piercing what?" Sex change, he wanted to interject just to see the look on Ichigo's face, but mercifully he kept his mouth shut about that. There were some things that he just didn't need to know.
"Er, something like that." "Look man, jokes apart you want my honest opinion? Think about why you fell in love with this girl. Go back to the beginning and remember what it was that made you throw away the freedom of being single. Once you've got that, think about whether or not that still exists because if it does chances are you can work around everything else." As Ichigo tugged his blanket over him and turned in for the night, Cloud lay back, mind working furiously over the fact that the first bit of serious advice Ichigo had ever given might actually turn out to be something useful. He thought back to the first time he had met Sephiroth, the funny feeling he had gotten in his stomach when he realized that it wasn't just hero worship any longer. The familiarity washed over him and he prepared to evaluate where he stood, when his roommate cut in one last time.
"Oh and Cloud, one last thing. You are my innocent, naïve and unfortunately very doe-eyed friend and so I feel compelled to protect your virtue. Remember that no man who tries to force you is worth it, always use protection and that cherry flavored lube, unlike candy doesn't taste like cough syrup. Night then!"
He knew it was too good to be true.
Deep in the bowels of Shinra, Professor Hojo had another problem on his hands. There weren't too many things that frightened him, after all he had the upper hand being a mad scientist and all, but he wouldn't place a bet against an angry Hollander. "He's terrorizing my sons!" he roared and Hojo winced as an expensive test tube smashed into the wall. Really, this tendency to destroy things in a fit of rage was most unbecoming. "Um," he said intelligently, because there were only so many things you could say to a man who was threatening to feed you to a crocodile. "Do you know what your bloody experiment has done? It'll take me weeks to get a replacement Loveless for Genesis and he's sulking. And Angeal's sulking because Genesis is sulking. Would you like to tell me what I'm supposed to do with two sulking full grown men? Congratulations, you've now made Shinra's top three warriors completely and utterly useless in combat. And of course, you'd leave me to explain this to the board, because you're that evil. What a fun meeting that was. I'm lucky they didn't fire me on the spot. You want to know something else? That tea the damned brat drinks? It stains linen! I'm sending you my dry-cleaning bill. You are going to fix this and fast or else you can babysit the entire lot of them." Hojo watched as he stormed out angrily, muttering under his breath that "You can't even hit the brat because she's a girl." He grimaced; admittedly, this venture had been a tad less effective than what he had hoped for. What had started out as a brilliant idea now had created so many problems that even the President was shooting him dirty looks. The real problem of course lay in the fact that he hadn't perfected an antidote yet. He had an idea but it was largely untested. (Bruno had run off with a mouse from Kalm, of all the ungrateful test subjects.) Well he supposed that with the way things were proceeding, he didn't really have a choice.
*The Next Morning*
"Uh, hi, can I come in for a moment?" Sephiroth and Zack glanced up from the paperwork strewn on the General's desk. Zack's face broke into a grin. "Hey Spiky! Classes all done for the day?" Cloud nodded, shutting the door behind him, adjusting the strap of his book bag. "Materia class got cancelled and I didn't have too much stuff to do for tomorrow so I thought I'd come visit Sephiroth." he said shooting Zack a meaningful look. "Oh…" realization dawned on Zack, "You two don't mind me, I'll just be on my way. I'm going to go bug Angeal for awhile. He's been all mopey lately, you know what he needs? Some Zack Attack in his life to cheer him up!" Cloud blinked, he knew he should be used to the randomness by now, but it seemed that nothing could get him completely accustomed to Zack's weirdness.
Sephiroth meanwhile placed his reading glasses on the table. "I wonder if I should warn Angeal." Cloud shot him a wry grin, "Nah, I'm pretty sure that Angeal's used to it by now." After watching the boy squirm about uncomfortably for a few minutes, Sephiroth took pity on him and asked, "Was there something specific you wanted to see me about Cloud?" Cloud rubbed the bridge of his nose nervously, "Er…yeah. I think that um, in light of recent events and broken lamps, it's essential that…we need to talk." "Yes, Zackary did inform me that you were troubled about things but he didn't volunteer details. I suppose that talking would be a good way to sort things out." He gave Cloud a smile, obviously waiting for the cadet to start.
Cloud on the other hand was dumbstruck. This was a lot easier on those TV soap operas, although the person stuck in his position usually had some escape ticket out of this like an illness, an accident, really good lingerie, and the works. Not that he ever watched soaps with Zack or anything. A heavy silence filled the room and Cloud was painfully aware that Sephiroth was waiting patiently and expectantly. "Um…this is nice weather we're having isn't it?" Well, that didn't sound suspicious at all.
"Look, you know how we talked about how this mako stuff wouldn't change anything? I guess we didn't think things through because things did change. And at first I thought things were absolutely cool and they were at first but that was because it hadn't set in. But when it did I panicked, 'cause that was the only viable option at that point. But that's just it, a relationship isn't just one point, we've got our entire lives ahead of us and I know that I want to spend it with you. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that we're ok, because I love you. And someday, when we're old and crusty I want to look after you, you know? We can get some land out in the country, rear some Chocobos, and grow some apples and..."
"Cloud," Sephiroth cut in, "You're rambling." The embarrassed cadet folded his hands in his lap and looked down, "Oh." "However, I do understand the essence of what you're trying to say and I'm honestly touched. I'm glad you're being honest with me, for a second there, I thought I was the only one who had problems adjusting and I felt really guilty." "So…we're alright then?" "I doubt that we ever weren't. From what Angeal tells me, every couple has their problems now and then."
What would have been a fitting end to a very touching moment was interrupted by a loud sniffle outside the door. When Sephiroth yanked it open, he was unfazed to find Genesis, Angeal and Zack crouched outside, with Angeal awkwardly comforting his young protégé. "That's so sweet." Zack said, blowing his nose like a trumpet, "And I have a great recipe for apple cinnamon pie." He offered the handkerchief back to Angeal who gave it a wary look before assuring Zack that he could keep it. Sephiroth had a vague feeling that the tendrils of warmth coiling in his stomach had nothing to do with his changed hormones.
*Hojo's lab*
"I didn't know you cooked, "he said hesitantly, squinting at the goo in a cup. "This was what kind of soup again?" Hojo twitched, "It's coffee and I'm your father. Fathers cook for their sons all the time." You couldn't be serious; Hojo's parental instincts were developing now? "Well?" he said fixing Sephiroth with a beady stare, "aren't' you going to drink that?"
It was odd to say the least. There was something off about the taste. "Well, it's different," he volunteered, "The flavor is totally unique." Hojo delicately sipped his own cup of coffee which looked one hell of a lot more like liquid. "Obviously, I spiked your coffee with testosterone didn't I, it's bound to taste a little funny."
"You did what?" That's when the pain hit him. The cup slid to the floor and shattered but not before Sephiroth had passed out. "That was not accounted for." Hojo muttered.
*Sephiroth's Apartment*
Cloud figured that a romantic candlelight dinner was the perfect way to let Sephiroth know that he was serious about what he had said yesterday. As he stirred the curry, he smiled at the sound of the door opening. "I'm in the kitchen," he called out, "Dinner's almost done."
"Could you…could you come here for a minute?" Cloud frowned, Sephiroth sounded serious so whatever it was, it must have been important. As he switched off the stove, he idly wondered if he had only imagined that Sephiroth's voice seemed a few octaves lower than usual. He brushed it off as wishful thinking. Which was why, when he saw Sephiroth standing there with a green button-up shirt and black formal pants and considerably less endowments in the chest region, all he could do was stand there and gape. "You're a guy again?"
"Hojo figured out how to reverse it. First useful thing he's done all year." Cloud squealed and hugged the unsuspecting man, "I'm so happy that you're back to normal!" "I wasn't as bad as that?" said Sephiroth hugging the cadet close. "Really?" he said snorting, "you strung Reno out of a window." Sheepishly, Sephiroth coughed, "That may have not been entirely related to my hormonal activity. But I'm glad to be back. If I had to return to a lingerie store, I think I might not survive the embarrassment. :
Burying his face in the older man's chest, Cloud mumbled something. "What? I'm sorry, I'm afraid I didn't catch that." Flushing Cloud looked up, "I said, I'm thinking about telling my mother about us. I mean, it's time she knew right?" "Are you sure?" Cloud hummed his approval. "Well, in that case, I have my own revelation to share. I must admit the idea of a farm and an apple orchard is rather appealing, perhaps someday," he said, gently placing his chin on the golden locks, "When we're done with the military, we'll start a life of our own?"
"With a dog?" Cloud asked hopefully. "Not a chance."
Author's Note: And, it's done! Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this through. Hope you enjoyed it. Read and review!