AN: I still do not own the lovely amazing show named Glee or any of the gorgeous talented characters and actors of the show...I didn't get it for my birthday. :( Oh well, there's always next year!
Notice Me: Ch 5: Coming to Terms & Breaking Down
The next day, Rachel's schedule was full, just like it had been the rest of the holiday vacation, but for the first time, Rachel didn't want to deal with all the stress and worry and frustration of all of her responsibilities. What she wanted was to ditch and go spend time with the boy who was even now standing on her front porch.
"Come on, Berry. You need to learn to have some fun." Puck was looking extremely attractive in his tight black t-shirt and blue jeans, but Rachel refused to allow her hormones to tempt her.
"And I assume your idea of fun would be to go with you to the mall and help you pick out bracelets?" Rachel's eyebrow quirked knowingly.
Puck grimaced, caught red-handed. "Well, that wouldn't be the only thing we did-" He trailed off sheepishly, running a hand through his Mohawk.
Rachel giggled and continued locking her front door. Turning towards him, she smiled. "Noah, I will not skip out on my practices and community service today though I would definitely like to help you." She sighed when his face fell. "Can you meet me around-" She did some quick calculations in her head then continued, "5 p.m.?"
Noah's relieved smile ignited a warm glow low in Rachel's stomach, a glow that slowly worked its way up her body, showing in the dark blush that graced her cheeks. "Sure! As long as you're gonna help me find those gifts, I'll meet whenever, wherever."
Rachel smiled at him brightly as the blush worked its way even higher, her ears turning red. "Okay, I'll see you then."
"Okay." His low voice echoed throughout her mind for hours after she'd left him.
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Puck didn't know exactly how it had happened, but somehow he found himself on Rachel's front porch bright and early the next morning, practically begging her to take pity on him and go shopping again. At first he thought she was going to completely refuse, but when she agreed to meet him later, he felt excitement growing deep in the pit of his stomach. He kept telling himself that he was only happy that she was going to help him find those bracelets for his mother and sister, but the words sounded false even to his own ears.
As he watched her pull away from the curb in her ridiculous little Volkswagen Bug, he tried to think of something that would be fun to do to kill time while waiting on Berry, but he couldn't seem to think of anything that didn't include her. Growing annoyed with himself, Puck jumped in his truck and screeched out of the driveway, driving recklessly in the opposite direction from Rachel.
He drove around for hours, completely clueless as to where he wanted to go. At some point, it had started to rain torrentially. He kept driving until it was impossible to see more than 2 feet in front of the truck's nose, then he pulled over and just sat. Slumping over the wheel, he decided to give himself a firm talking-to.
"Puckzilla, man, you're the fucking badass, so why are you getting all moony-eyed over some crazy chick like Berry?" The question sounded forced in the enclosed space, and he couldn't find an answer to it. "Dude, you could have any chick you wanted. Hell, you could probably even get Santana back if you tried hard enough."
Pressing his forehead against the steering wheel, he sighed. "You don't want Santana though." He closed his eyes tightly before finally admitting to himself the real reason he was so protective of the tiny Jewish diva he'd been defending recently. "You like her."
Admitting his feelings out loud did nothing to make Puck feel better. He'd never been the type to admit feelings until he dealt with losing both Quinn and Beth, and he was still extremely uncomfortable with admitting any type of weakness. If anything, he just became more anxious as the words repeated in his head. 'I like her.' Starting the truck again, he pulled out of the parking lot and slowly headed towards the only place he knew to go.
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Finn didn't know what the hell had happened, but Puck was standing at his front door dripping wet and looking for all the world as if his pet had just died. "Dude, what's wrong with you?" He dragged his sometimes best friend through the door and out of the rain. "Is everything all right?"
Puck laughed, half-hysterically. "No, definitely not," he choked out, running a hand through his Mohawk and gripping it tightly.
"What's going on, man?" Finn had grown up with Puck, but the only times he had ever seen the other boy this torn up were after his father left and after Beth was born and adopted.
"I don't know. I just don't know." Puck collapsed onto the Hudsons' couch, his head falling into his hands. "I don't know what I see in her."
Finn's eyes grew wide. Puck's this upset over a girl? he thought incredulously. Sitting gingerly next to his best friend, he gently placed a hand on the shorter boy's shoulder. "Come on, Puck. Tell me what happened." This was apparently the wrong thing to do because Puck shot up off the couch and began pacing manically.
"I don't know what the fuck happened. One minute, everything was normal – I hated her, and she hated me. Everything was how it was supposed to be, but then –" He stopped and looked Finn straight in the eye for the first time since he'd gotten there, his gold-green eyes wide and burning with a feverish light. "Tell me I'm just imagining it. Tell me that I didn't fall in love with Rachel Fucking Berry," he begged.
Finn didn't know what to say. Sure, he had heard the rumors Santana had started, but he hadn't really believed them – Puck and Rachel? That would never happen. But, apparently it had.
"Dude, just calm down. I don't know. Do you want a beer or something?" Finn suggested, not sure how else to deal with this situation.
Puck deflated, collapsing back onto the couch and leaning his head back against the couch. "Yeah, sounds good. Let's get drunk."
Finn just nodded. It sounded like a good idea to him.
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Rachel glared at her phone as it repeated the same message for the 10th time in as many minutes. "Yo! It's the Puckster. You know what to do." He had practically begged her to meet up with him, and now he wasn't answering texts or calls, and it was almost an hour past the time she had given him to meet her. What was up with that?
Throwing her phone into the backseat of her car, Rachel threw her car into gear and drove to her safe haven.
Walking through the halls of McKinley during break was akin to walking through a ghost town. The deserted halls echoed with the sound of her footsteps, but other than that, remained eerily silent. As she reached the choir room, Rachel found her shoulders loosening, tension draining from her like water as she reached her safe place.
Pushing the door open carefully, she flipped on a light and set some music to play, then closed her eyes, allowing the song to take away all her pain and anger as she drifted on the strains of music.
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Santana paused, pulling Brittany to a stop. "What's wrong, San?" asked the pretty blonde, tilting her head in question. The Latin Cheerio shrugged, gesturing silently for the other girl to be quiet as she listened intently. A sadistic smile stretched across her full, glossy lips as she again heard the echoes of a haunting familiar voice from an equally familiar hallway.
Quickly convincing her sweet but dim best friend to meet her in the parking lot in a few minutes, Santana crept down the hallway towards the choir room silently. Cracking the door open, she smirked wider as soon as she saw that Berry was alone.
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"You know he'll never want you for anything more than a quick lay."
Rachel jumped, an unbecoming squeak tearing from her lips at the unexpected interruption. Turning quickly, she grimaced slightly as she took in the unwelcome Cheerio. "What on earth are you talking about, Santana?"
The taller girl smirked widely, her eyes narrowing maliciously. "Have you given it up yet? Your V-card? That's all he wants from you, and once you give it up, he'll be gone quicker than you can blink." She snapped, demonstrating.
Rachel's eyes widened as she realized what the scorned girl was talking about. "You're wrong," she stated with conviction. "Noah hasn't even tried to kiss me, much less do anything else."
Santana's eyes widened slightly but she quickly tempered her argument, forcing her face into a mask of compassion. "But, he has comforted you and protected you, right?" She paused, waiting until Rachel haltingly nodded. "What do you think he did before he talked Q into sleeping with him?" she softly whispered.
"No." This denial was much less convincing than her earlier one.
The look on Rachel's face almost made Santana laugh in satisfaction, but she kept up the charade. "He'll do the same thing to you," she promised, reaching forward to pat the other girl's shoulder consolingly. "You should run away from him before he gets the chance."
Rachel brokenly stared as the other girl walked away, quietly shutting the door behind her. Glancing unseeingly around the room, she sank to the floor, motionless and tearless as she built back up the walls she had been letting Puck tear down.
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Rachel ran on automatic all the way home and through her house up to her bedroom, even smiling and laughing with her Jewish father, Hiram, but as she walked through her room and saw how childish and immature her room was, she snapped, tearing the girly pink bedclothes off her mattress and throwing her stuffed animals unceremoniously into a corner.
Slipping into her bathroom, she took off all her clothes and stared at the girl in the mirror. Grimacing she outlined the reflection in magic marker, writing horrible things and drawing arrows towards the figure. Fat! Bignose. Ugly. Manhands. Disgusting. Untalented. The words kept coming as she glared at her own reflection in hate.
Finally she sank to the floor. Pulling open a drawer, she grabbed the razor from inside it, and stared at it.
Hearing all the horrible things that had been said to her repeat in her head, she experimentally dragged the blade across her ribs. The pain was dull at first, but as she continued, one cut for each nasty comment she remembered, it became sharper and she slowly felt more and more relief as if the blood was washing the hurtful words away. Kurt's, Mercedes', Quinn's, Santana's, Karofsky's, Finn's, even Puck's voices mixed with a multitude of others all repeated slurs and curses to her, reminding her that she could never be beautiful enough, smart enough, or talented enough to amount to anything.
Finally, she let the blade fall to the floor, curling into a ball as quiet tears finally came to her. Much later, she drifted to sleep, still naked and covered in blood on the cold tile floor.
AN: Ok guys, I know I said a week, but between my birthday (I'm finally 18!) and Thanksgiving, my life's been insane. I didn't really have time to write this tonight even, but because of school and work, I knew there was no way I'd be able to update if I didn't get it done tonight, so here you go. Please forgive me if it wasn't my best. I'm not totally sure how I feel about it. This is the way I'd always planned the story to go, but it was hard for me to make Rachel's self-hurt scene to flow correctly. I do hope you like it however. Also, the self-hate mirror idea was from another fanfiction, and it just seemed to fit so well in this story that I couldn't pass it up. I can't remember which story it came from, but if you wrote it and do not wish me to use it, let me know. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy the story.
I would also like to mention how ecstatic I am about the outporing of love and appreciation I've felt from my readers. I can't believe how well ya'll like this story, and I was unbelievably touched by the multiple reviewers who told me that they understood what I had meant in chapter 3 and were not offended by it. Thank you all for the birthday wishes as well - it was unbelievable! Thank you so much for your continued support, and don't forget to press the pretty little button and review!
P.S. I try to answer each review personally, but I recently just haven't had the time. I will definitely try to get to all of you soon though. Thank you again.