Elena hated it, but she still tried. She knew it was pointless – she had seen too much, felt herself drawn to him, known that he was drawn to her. How was she supposed to turn that off and find someone new?
She rationalized that she did it because he wanted her to. She certainly didn't want to do it, and she didn't try very hard. Still, she went, she put herself out there, like he said he wanted her to.
She thought it was kind of sick. She knew he loved her, but he still wanted her to do this? Maybe she should want the same for him that he said he wanted for her – for him to find someone else, but she couldn't. She couldn't want that – she wanted him for herself. They should be finding a way, or just putting Bonnie's claims to the test, not playing this stupid game that hurt them both.
She hadn't seen him for months. One of the things that was killing her was that he was in control. He had pushed her to this by his absence, by refusing to talk to her in any form. He had insisted that she try this, and she had, though mostly to prove him wrong so they could move on.
Her mind was on Damon as the guy sitting next to her talked to her. It was always this way – she barely heard what they were saying. Actually, she was bored, so she glanced around while he talked. Her attention always returned to the guy, the bore, apparently long enough to keep him talking – not that she really wanted to hear him drone on.
She finally decided this was a mistake. It was always a mistake – no matter how far she let things progress with someone, she always eventually cut it off. Damon had told her that if she would just let herself go, there would be someone. It was an insane idea. Sometimes she wonder how could she love Damon when he sometimes said such stupid things, sometimes asked impossible things of her – like asking her to forget him.
She hadn't and she wouldn't. Time didn't matter, his ignoring her didn't matter. He was still in her thoughts after all this time. She still thought of him while she sat near the boring guy who jabbered on and on and on. She thought of Damon as she glanced around the room.
Suddenly her eyes froze and widened. Could it really be him? Would he be so close to her, watching her?
She tried to hide her expression as she turned back to the bore and interrupted him in mid-sentence. "Sorry. I have to go. Someone…"
She stopped, not wanting to worry about how to finish the statement. She rose and instinctively slipped past the bore's reaching hand, praying Damon would still be there when she looked again. She breathed a sigh of relief when he was.
He was still there and he was watching her. She was a little self-conscious as she walked. Everything she did to keep up her appearance was for this hoped-for moment. She tried not to worry about what she looked like to him, she concentrated on him, his appearance. It was unchanged, perfect.
She wanted to throw herself at him, but held back. She was upset at him, at the distance he had kept, at the unreturned calls. Her emotions warred within her, but when she reached him, "Hi," was all that came out. Idiotic. This wouldn't convey either message to him – love or anger.
She looked up into his eyes, which were looking at her, or at least seemed to be. He seemed lost in thought. Had she missed something in her appearance? Was she unexpected, unwanted?
Any confidence she felt as she approached him was gone. She could feel her expression show the uncertainty she suddenly felt. "Damon?"
It seemed to take forever, but finally his eyes showed the recognition she wanted so badly. He unleashed his perfect smile towards her.
"Elena," he whispered as if he and she were alone, as if there were no other noise in the room. There was, but she only heard him.
Hearing his voice after so long just melted her. She found herself smiling as she reached for him and managed to wrap her arms tightly around him while she tucked her head under his chin. When his arms were around her as well, she felt like she was in heaven. She felt like she never wanted to let him go.
She let herself breath into his chest for awhile before feeling the urge to look into his eyes again. She didn't let go, but she slackened her embrace and pulled back far enough to find his gorgeous blue eyes.
It wasn't intentional, but with his arms around her, with hers still holding on to him, she felt safe enough to express some of the frustration she felt. "It's been so long, Damon. I was beginning to think…"
She cut herself off when she felt tears starting to form. This was all she had wanted for so long, and she refused to spend it crying. She buried her face into his chest again, telling herself that when she had control of herself again, she would say something.
She thought she would die when she felt one of his hands move to the back of her head. She was lost in the feeling, and barely heard him whisper again.
"I just wanted to make sure you're OK."
She froze. 'OK?' she thought. 'OK without you?' She had to concentrate, to tell herself that he meant what he said. She knew he didn't want this situation anymore than she did. But it was theirs, because of Bonnie.
"How could I be? Stupid wit…" She cut herself off when she realized what she was whispering.
She was taking calming breaths, trying not to show it when he spoke. "You're alive, Elena. That's all I've ever wanted."
She let out a small laugh at the idiocy of what he had just said. He had always wanted more from her. She reluctantly released the hug and moved to stand beside him, leaning against him, though holding onto him with one arm. "Liar," she managed to get out.
His laugh was a small as hers, but she heard it. Then he said, "Well, that's the best I can hope for now. That's what I want for you now."
She was filled with guilt. He had always wanted more from her than she was willing to give him. She had always known what he wanted, but had withheld it, concentrating on Stefan. She knew Damon would do anything for her, had done far more than she had a right to expect, despite the fact that she had helped him, saved him as well. She knew he had changed for her, but she blindly ignored it.
She forced herself away from that line of thought. It was done. She had not seen what he really was, that she wanted him as much as he wanted her, until it was too late. Until after the spell was cast. She found herself closing her eyes and shaking her head before burying her face into him again and saying "It's not fair. Stupid witch."
She let her mind lapse briefly as she looked into his eyes again and asked, "Are you still looking? Are you still trying to find a way around it?"
She knew immediately that it was an idiotic question. He had told her he would look for a way and he always kept his promises to her. Of course, it was not long after that promise that he came up the idiotic suggestion that she try to find someone else. She was trying to figure out if she had botched things with her question when he answered.
"You're the one with witchy friends."
It stung and she knew he felt her flinch. Did he blame her for this? She blamed herself and wasn't sure she could stand it if he blamed her as well.
"Not anymore," she managed to say.
"Maybe she could reverse it."
She couldn't blame him. He had been calm when she had told him about the spell, hadn't criticized her or Bonnie at all. She almost thought he would ignore it, would let himself go with her anyway. She seemed more unsure about it at first, but it soon changed. She could tell it was affecting him, the way he acted around her. She had not suggested going back to Bonnie and she thought he hated Bonnie so much that he wouldn't trust her to do anything about the spell. Maybe this was a sign that he was getting desperate. She certainly was.
She shook her head as she pulled away from him and looked into his eyes again. "I asked her to when…when I changed my mind about you."
"And she refused?" Did she see a hint of disappointment on his face?
Elena nodded, unable to hide the pain she was reliving as she thought about it. "She said it couldn't be reversed. She wouldn't even try."
"Did you ask more than once?"
'Yes!' she screamed in her head. 'Asked, begged, threatened to the point she never wants to see me again…' But she just dropped her head and nodded. "She hates us both now."
She had brought it up before, but she had to say it again. "Damon, we're believing what she says. It's not like we tested it – either of the effects. She could be lying." She knew she sounded desperate, but why trust someone that would be willing to do this to her? Should they really believe she was so powerful?
Damon still wasn't moved. He reminded her again of what she had told him. "She showed you the spell in the book, right? You felt different when it was cast?"
She could only close he eyes and nod. "I don't care. I'll take the risk" She didn't care, and she would. She was so tired of life as it was for her now. She was lost, no idea how to change it.
He pulled her chin to make her eyes face him again. "You'll die, Elena."
She had to pull away, to turn away from him. She knew it was because he loved her, because he didn't want to risk her, but it didn't help. "I haven't forgotten."
Again she felt the need to explain, to justify. "I didn't ask for this, Damon. I asked for a spell that would keep you from ever turning me into a vampire." She had to shake her head at her mindset then. "You made me drink your blood one time too many. I didn't want to turn - ever. It seemed like the right thing to do." She had known at some level that he was doing what he had to do to keep her alive, but back then she hated him for it. Now she knew, she was alive because of what he had done.
He looked like she had plunged a stake into him. She couldn't stand it if she had hurt him, so she said the first thing that came into her mind, pleading for him to understand that she didn't blame him – she blamed Bonnie. "She didn't tell me about the rest until after the spell was cast. She didn't tell me that that I couldn't…be with you …that it would kill me if I was." Elena was shaking her head again. "All she would say was that it was insurance, that it was to make sure I wouldn't ever want to…"
Truthfully, she hadn't thought much about it when Bonnie first told her, she had never imagined wanting more from Damon that what she had at the time – him keeping her safe while she was with Stefan. She never thought much about the pain it must have caused him, until she had a reason to pay attention to him. Until she was around him enough that the feelings came, eventually overpowering her. She thought about it then, realized that Bonnie had cast a spell that could end up killing her and had kept it from her until the spell was cast. This was not what one friend did to another. She looked at him again and spoke clearly, wanting him to understand who she blamed. "God I hate her."
She held his eyes, trying to make sure he understood. But he just said, "You're alive, Elena."
Like she didn't know that. She had to turn away to try to keep him from seeing her reaction. She couldn't play this game anymore. She had to get him to understand that alive wasn't enough. She needed him. His next words stunned her.
"It looks like you're trying to meet someone."
She couldn't hide her reaction this time – she didn't want to. Why was he doing this to her, to them? Could he not see what this was doing to her?
"You said you wanted me to." She was about to say 'It's stupid. I'm not doing it anymore,' when she saw a quick nod and his face change. He was preparing for her to hit him with something harsh. She softened and, instead, tried to speak calmly.
"And I told you it was pointless after wanting you, after you wanted me. You should see what's out there, Damon. There'll never be anyone else."
She stared at him as she said it. He closed his eyes to whisper, "there has to be."
"No," she said forcefully, bringing his eyes back to her. "And I don't want there to be."
She wasn't going to do this anymore. She hated that he had talked her into this stupidity, that she had gone along with it. No more. It was him, or she would be alone.
She broke off eye contact and turned away, saying "It'd be worth the risk, just for one night with you."
She was walking away, not sure exactly why, just so frustrated that he didn't understand, when he was suddenly next to her, gently holding her arm. "Elena…"
It melted her as much as it had when he had first spoken to her. She turned to him and put a single finger to his lips, unsure she wanted to hear what he might say next. "It's not the end, Damon." She was frustrated, hurt that he had left her alone for so long, but she hadn't given up on him, on them.
She started walking towards the door again, not really surprised that he let her. He had given her space when she didn't want it, he would give it to her if she did.
But she didn't. She wanted to make him understand that she needed him now more than ever. She needed his touch, his reassurance, his love even if she couldn't have everything she wanted just now. She needed him to know she would never belong to anyone else. She needed him to know that she would keep trying to find a way around the spell.
She turned to him as she reached the door, feeling a little relieved that he was still watching her, thought she expected it. She smiled a little and softly asked, "Will you at least walk me home?"
His smile looked forced as well, but at least he came. As she took his hand, she resolved to not release it until he understood. He would understand that avoiding her, sending her out to look for someone to replace him, was not loving her, and she was sure he loved her. He would understand that it meant working with her to overcome this problem. He would understand that she would not let the spell separate them. He would understand that she needed him now more than ever.