Demons

by SGAFan

When a routine mission goes horribly wrong, Major John Sheppard survives, but now must face an enemy none of his training or experience could prepare him for himself. Suddenly, John is forced to question everything he's ever stood for.

5. Book II Chapter III

He was stunned.

John breezed down one of the many long corridors as his mind groped for answers, all the while rejecting the reality of the situation. He'd hit McKay. Sure, McKay got on his nerves, but being irritated and physically attacking someone were two entirely different things. His throbbing hand drove home the reality of what had happened: had the pain not been there, part of him wouldn't have accepted the reality of what he'd done.

He exhaled loudly, anger simmering within. It had been a constant companion, his anger, since he'd returned, but it was something he'd harnessed, controlled and buried deep within… until today. Perplexed, John's brows furrowed. Irrational and uncontrollable rage had never been an issue with him. Killing the Wraith in cold blood disturbed him enough, but slugging McKay? Where the hell did that come from?

John paused, mid-stride, his gaze drawn to a doorway on his left. Mid-level on the Control Tower, the large observation room at one time seemed to have been a conference room. One of John's favorite indoor places on Atlantis, it had large, panoramic windows with a stunning view of the city and the ocean beyond. It had been one of the first places John had ventured to, after arriving in Atlantis, and where he, Weir, McKay and Sumner had realized the city was under the ocean. A small smile pulled at one corner of John's mouth as he walked to the large, double doors and tapped the access crystal.

The doors instantly parted, and John walked into the dim, spacious room. Mildly surprised, he arched an eyebrow at the reddish hue of the setting sunlight and the long shadows it cast. He hadn't realized it was so late in the day. Shrugging, he slowly crossed the room, his soft footsteps echoing off the high ceiling. No one else seemed to be around, and for that John was grateful. The peace and solitude were exactly what he needed.

What he needed.

Irritation welled in John. It seemed everyone, these days thought they knew what he needed, even Elizabeth. Dr. Heightmeyer indeed! John snorted. He'd been in the military long enough to have his run-ins with head shrinks. SOP dictated every soldier talk to one when returning from any combat situation. With all the combat missions he'd flown, John had his fill of psychiatrists during his tour in Afghanistan. He knew the routine.

You saw your friends shot down by an RPG. How does that make you feel?

How do you think it makes me feel? Mad as hell, but they're dead and I can't change that. Are we done now? Because I have things to do.

John halted in front of one of the large windows and stared out over the ocean, momentarily admiring the faint orange glow leftover from the nearly set sun. He felt the last beams of the day's sunlight warm his face as he pondered his situation.

He'd lost men under his command before. Each time he mourned and went on. He never dwelled on it… never lost his head… never acted irrationally.

This time was different. He'd watched Cooper's torture and slow, painful death. But the end result had been the same. A man under his command had died, and John refused to see it any differently than the deaths that came before Cooper. John sighed. It really hadn't been that long since his rescue.

And then there were the Pallans… and Brianor. How the hell was he supposed to feel? A society of people unlike anything he'd ever encountered, wiped out by the Wraith without a second thought! A woman… extraordinary and sensuous, like Brianor, suffering a violent death… along with her infant child. John ran a frustrated hand through his hair. Damn it! He had every reason to have been a little off recently!

Irritation returned. So why the hell was everyone overreacting? Why couldn't they just give him a little time? A little space? Instead, McKay was going off about guilt, Weir was reliving him of duty and sending him to the local head shrink, and every time John saw Beckett, the Doctor hovered, watching John's every move like some Highland mother hen.

Exasperated, John sighed loudly and shoved his fists deep in his pockets. Relieving him of duty was way out of line….

The sound of soft footsteps interrupted his thoughts, and grabbed his attention. He twisted his upper body and looked behind him, instantly relaxing as an unexpected visitor walked up behind him.

"Major."

Despite his mood, John smiled at the smooth, relaxed voice of Phil.

The former SGC janitor, now in charge of day-to-day maintenance on Atlantis, smiled and pulled a rag from his hip pocket. He wiped a smudge only he could see from the window before staring knowingly at John. "Just got through cleaning up quite a little mess in Weir's office, so I thought I'd come down here and make sure one of those scientists hadn't put fingerprints on my windows."

John arched an eyebrow at the spotless windows, but let Phil's comment go. He sighed. "Sorry about that, Phil."

Phil shook the rag a couple times before stuffing it back into his hip pocket. "About what?"

His expression guilty, John looked at the janitor. "The mess in Weir's office."

"Oh that." Phil smiled. "No problem. Next time, though, you might want to try a punching bag. It'll probably fare better than those Athosian knick knacks."

Despite his mood, John chuckled. "Will do." He returned his gaze out the window, watching as the sun finally slipped below the horizon. He glanced at Phil, who also patiently watched the sunset.

"I never get tired of that," Phil said quietly. "Makes the whole trip here worth it."

Once again, John smiled. The sage old janitor had a way of putting John at ease… boiling the complicated world down into a simple sunset. It never ceased to amaze him. Silence again descended between the two men as John watched the sky begin to darken into night.

"If you don't mind me saying, Major, something seems to be troubling you." Phil finally broke the silence, his simple statement grabbing John's attention.

John looked at Phil for a long moment, before once more silently returning his attention to the view. His emotions boiled, and John really wasn't sure if talking was what he needed right now. He met Phil's probing statement with guarded silence.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Phil also return his gaze to the view. Silence again hung over the two men.

"Phil?" John ventured, his voice slightly irritated. "Am I keeping you from your work?"

A slow knowing smile spread across Phil's face. "I told you, I'm checking my windows for fingerprints. They're big windows. It takes a while."

John sighed loudly in resignation, but wasn't surprised that Phil didn't heed the hint and leave. Once again, it was silent as John stared at the ocean, his active mind trying to sort the knot that had become his life. He furrowed his brows, so wrapped in his thoughts that he didn't see Phil's searching gaze pass over him.

"Nasty creatures, the Wraith."

Phil's quiet comment startled John. He stiffened at the mention of the Wraith, but said nothing.

"Suck your life from you without a second thought. I can't imagine what that'd be like."

"It's hell, Phil," John snapped coldly. "That's what it is."

Unfazed, Phil nodded. "I'd imagine so." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Witnessing something like that is bound to affect a man. Don't see how it wouldn't."

John glared at Phil. Deep down, he knew his anger was misdirected, but he couldn't help himself from being mad and defensive. "Is there a point to this conversation, Phil?" John's voice was angered and cold. "If there is, get to it. If not…." His voice trailed off.

Phil met John's defensive glare evenly. He shrugged. "I don't know. Is there a point? You tell me." Phil stepped around John and wiped his rag over the window before coming back and standing next to John.

Silence again descended over them as John pursed his lips, his anger ebbing and his emotional turmoil once more rekindling. He pulled in a deep breath. "I couldn't do anything… you know… to save Cooper. I just…." John shook his head and looked down at the floor.

Phil nodded slightly. "I know that, and so does everyone here. We've all accepted that if you could've done anything to save the Corporal, you would've. So, the question is, why haven't you accepted it?"

John sighed loudly. "It's not that simple, Phil. I can't… I should've done more, should've done…" John waved his hands emphatically, "something!"

"So, you don't like being helpless. Who does?" Phil answered quietly, his eyes scanning over Sheppard's outstretched hands.

His anger resurfacing, John's mind raced as his breathing quickened. All the little nudges by Phil finally snapped his control. "Damn that McKay," he muttered out of the blue, his hands dropping heavily to his sides.

Phil arched his brows. "What does he have to do with this?"

John pursed his lips, his fists unconsciously clenching, memories of his recent confrontation with McKay crashing through his control. "He said the same damn thing! He told me I couldn't stand being helpless!" John gritted his teeth and exhaled sharply.

"So?" Unfazed by the upset Major, Phil stared back. "So?" he repeated. "What happened?"

"I hit him!" Sheppard turned away, running a hand through his short hair. His voice turned quiet, almost unbelieving. "I decked McKay."

Phil smiled and shook his head. "'Bout time."

John blinked hard and slowly turned around. His racing mind ground to a halt as he tried to make sense of the janitor's unexpected comment. With two words, Phil had managed to defuse John's anger. "What?" He stared incredulously at Phil.

"Dr. McKay. It's about time someone decked him." Phil again pulled the rag out of his pocket and wiped the glass in front of him. "There are some people, Major, that just need to be hit every once in a while. Dr. McKay is one of them."

John arched his brows. "I thought you were nicer than that, Phil."

Phil chuckled. "Oh, McKay's decent enough, most of the time… but pushes his boundaries all the time." Phil's gaze turned distant, his hand pausing mid stroke on the glass. "First time I saw him, he was arguing with Colonel Carter at the SGC. Thought she was going to lay him out then." He pursed his lips. "Kind of surprised she didn't." He shrugged and walked across the large room, pausing occasionally to wipe his rag across the various water displays.

Watching Phil silently, John's churning emotions began to settle. There was something about the easygoing janitor that was refreshing, and John relished the long lost feeling of reassurance. Minutes passed, and John said nothing, but neither did Phil. The janitor worked his way around the spacious room, before once again joining John in front of the large window.

Phil glanced at John and smiled slightly, before looking up as the first stars flickered in the early night sky.

"He was right." John's voice was quiet, but the large echoing room picked it up anyway. "McKay was right." He watched as Phil nodded slightly before turning and staring evenly at John.

"I know that, Major." Phil smiled. "Just glad you know it too."

John sighed, watching as the stars' brightness increased. "What now?" he muttered rhetorically. He arched an eyebrow and looked out the corner of his eye at Phil.

Phil shrugged. "Accept it, Major. Accept that what happened wasn't your fault and go on."

"Easier said than done, Phil," John replied quietly.

"Yeah, it is," Phil agreed.

After a moment, John took a deep breath and let it out noisily. He turned away and crossed the room. Pausing at the doorway, John looked back to Phil, who was still admiring the view. "Thanks," he said quietly.

Phil turned, his smile barely visible in the darkening room. "For what? I was just here cleaning my windows." Once again, Phil pulled out his ever-present rag and wiped it absently over the large window. "Oh, and Major? You may want to get your hand looked at. It's swelling pretty good."

John watched him for a moment before a small smile crossed his face. Silently, he turned and exited the room.

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Elizabeth nodded to Peter Grodin as she walked up the last few steps and into the control room. She watched as he tapped a few panels on the Ancient console before looking back up at her expectantly. "Halling?" Elizabeth asked, over the Ancient communication system. "What can I do for you?"

"Dr. Weir," Halling's deep voice immediately replied. "One of our hunting groups has wandered off. We cannot find them, and they are overdue to return. Normally, I would not be so concerned, but this group is mostly adolescents – barely more than boys. The leader, Kelin, is an experienced hunter so this is very unusual. I am concerned that something is wrong. Our last search party has just returned for the night and has found no trace of them."

Weir nodded. "We can…" her voice trailed off as the Stargate suddenly lit up, each chevron locking into place as someone dialed in. She glanced at Peter. "Raise the shield. Halling?" Elizabeth looked up expectantly, as if she could see the Athosian man's voice in thin air. "Stand by, we have an incoming wormhole." Once again, Elizabeth looked at Peter who nodded.

"Reading Lieutenant Ford's IDC."

Elizabeth nodded and tapped her radio headset. "Lieutenant? What's your status?"

"Ma'am!" Ford's voice was strained and barely audible over gunfire. "We've encountered heavy Wraith resistance. Recommend a security team in the gate room!"

Elizabeth glanced at Peter. "Lower the shield." She made brief eye contact with one of the command deck SOs and nodded. The SO brusquely nodded back and ran across the command deck.

Elizabeth turned and looked down at the active Stargate as soldiers ran in from multiple directions. "Are Stackhouse and Bates' teams with you?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Ford responded.

"The Gate room is secure, Lieutenant and the shield is down. Come through." Elizabeth's gaze fixed on the wormhole as her off-world team members started filtering through the gate. Movement at the staircase caught her eye, and Elizabeth felt the apprehension in her gut intensify as John ran down the stairs, two at a time, before stopping shoulder to shoulder with two SOs. Sidearm aimed at the wormhole, John's gaze was fixed on the gate.

Elizabeth looked back to the Stargate as Ford and Stackhouse burst through at a dead run.

"Raise the shield!" Ford shouted, his voice echoing through the gate room and over the radio.

Elizabeth whirled around. "Peter!"

Peter slapped the console, and Elizabeth heard the hum of the gate shield as she turned back around. For a moment, the gate shimmered before deactivating.

Elizabeth stared down as the soldiers in the gate room relaxed their stances.

"Dr. Weir?"

Halling's voice prompted Elizabeth and she nodded at Peter who activated the Ancient communication system.

"Halling, I'm sorry. We had a bit of a situation."

"Is everything all right?" Halling's voice was concerned.

Elizabeth smiled. "Now, yes. As for your missing hunters, we'll send a team and a Jumper as soon as it's light."

"Thank you, Dr. Weir."

Halling's voice held a note of gratitude, and Elizabeth smiled in response. "You're welcome. Weir out." She looked back towards the stairs as Teyla, Ford and Sheppard entered the room.

"Dr. Weir? Was that Halling I heard?" Teyla's voice was questioning.

"Yes. One of the hunting parties is missing. It's a small group, a couple of adolescents and a hunter named Kelin. Halling has asked for some help searching for them."

A flicker of concern showed through Teyla's impassive expression. "Kelin would not be late to return unless something was wrong."

Elizabeth pursed her lips. "Halling thought the same. I'd like you to go with the team."

Teyla nodded slowly. "Yes, of course. I should be there."

"I'll fly them," John ventured quietly. He had come up the stairs behind the other three members of his team.

Elizabeth's gaze fixed on him. Slowly, she shook her head. "No, Major. You won't." Unmoving, she held her ground as his expression darkened.

John looked from Teyla to Ford before turning back to Elizabeth. He glared deeply at her. "Fine."

Holding John's gaze a moment longer, Elizabeth spoke to Ford. "Tell me about Palla." Dread swept through her as she watched Ford and Teyla exchange hesitant glances. She sighed. "That bad?"

"Ma'am," Ford responded quietly, "the Wraith were everywhere. We couldn't really search as well as we wanted to. We were too busy trying to avoid the Wraith. But if there are that many still there…." Ford's voice trailed off.

"Then there's no one left." John quietly finished Ford's thought.

Ford nodded slightly. "We can't go back yet anyway. It's too hot right now, ma'am. We barely got away this time."

Elizabeth nodded. "We can try back in a week or so."

"You won't find anyone," John disagreed. "But I could've told you that… oh wait, I did."

Elizabeth arched an eyebrow at the Major's icy expression. She glanced at Ford and Teyla. Both were looking at John, Ford's expression confused, and Teyla's pensive. "Thank you, Lieutenant… Teyla," Elizabeth said quietly. She nodded at both of them as they slowly walked away.

She looked at John. "John…," her voice trailed off as John's gaze went past her to something over her shoulder. His expression turned slightly pained and definitely uncomfortable. Elizabeth looked back, her gaze fixing on Rodney, who stood rock still at the top of the control room stairs.

Elizabeth looked back and forth between the two men for a moment, but she might as well not have been there for all the attention either one was giving her. She looked at John, watching as he swallowed hard and glanced at her. He slowly blinked, allowing his eyes to momentarily remain closed, before he opened them and looked away, his gaze leaving both her and Rodney.

Without a word, John turned and walked away.

Part of Elizabeth wanted to go after him, but she resisted. She'd said all she could to him. There was nothing else she could do now. He had to find his way, and while she'd be there for him, she couldn't make him do anything. He had to want to. She continued watching his retreat, as Rodney came up next to her.

"What did he have to say?"

Rodney's voice was slightly more defensive than usual and Elizabeth shook her head in response. "Not much." She glanced at the darkening bruise on his cheek. "You okay?"

Rodney reached up and touched his bruised cheek, wincing slightly. "Nothing serious, at least not from the bruise. Who knows what the X-ray did to my head."

Elizabeth smiled slightly but said nothing.

"And him?"

Elizabeth sighed. She didn't need Rodney to tell her who 'him' was. "I don't know Rodney. I really don't."

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The night sky deepened to an almost blackness, only the light of the stars penetrating it, as John stood rooted before the window in his quarters. Phil's words turned over in John's head, the turmoil within him driving away any thoughts of sleep. Again and again, his mind played back over the recent events of his life. Each time, his emotions… his reactions left him more and more confused. He closed his eyes in pain, trying to shield himself from the memories of Palla. Malfan's laughter clung to him. Pertus' innocence haunted him… and his body ached to touch Brianor again, to hold her soft body, feel the caress of her gentle lips, to hear her light laughter. He even ached to hold her child again. All was denied to him, and the very knowledge that none of it would ever come to him again added scope to his frustration, and fueled his anger.

Irrationally, John focused his anger on Weir… on Heightmeyer… on McKay. He was exposed. His anger, his… vulnerability obvious to all of them. A wave of insecurity swept over him, and only angered him more. Insecurity was not something he was accustomed to, nor did he relish its effect. Talk to Heightmeyer, like hell!

His anger knew no bounds. He felt himself physically shaking as he struggled to control it, to harness his frustration, but it was a daunting task… as it had been since all of this had started. John's mind raced. Palla, Brianor, Malfan, Pertus, Bower, Cooper, Abrams, Gaul, Sumner…. He felt the weight of the dead on the shoulders of his spirit, and its crippling effect left him aching.

One of the planet's moons rose, crossed the sky and set somewhere behind him, yet John still stood there, trying to make sense of where he was… to bring stability to his spirit… quell his anger. But tranquility eluded him. Vaguely, he became aware of stiffness in his legs and tiredness in his muscles. Slowly he turned, limping slightly as he forced his long-motionless legs to move. Lying down on his bed, he didn't even bother to remove his shoes or even his jacket. He casually threw one arm over his forehead as he stared with a numb gaze at the ceiling, willing himself to relax.

But when the dawn's first rays streamed in through his window, he was awake to see them.

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Teyla quietly took her seat behind Stackhouse as Markham stepped around her and sat down in the Jumper pilot's seat. Her gaze narrowed slightly at the tension in his back, and the air of apprehension that surrounded him. Teyla glanced at Stackhouse, whose gaze was slightly amused. Apparently, she was not the only one to notice Markham's mood.

"Lighten up, Markham," Stackhouse's voice held a note of entertainment. "It's only a trip to the Mainland, not a dogfight."

"Easy for you to say," the young sergeant muttered. "I still don't really have a feel for this technology."

"Markham," Stackhouse responded, "you flew this thing all the way to the Lagrangian Point Satellite and back. The only one who's flown Jumpers more than you is the Major…." His voice trailed off as the two soldiers exchanged somber looks.

"You will do fine," Teyla quickly reassured.

Stackhouse unclipped his P-90 and set it on the floor next to his chair. "Fly to the Mainland, find the Athosian hunters, fly back. Piece of cake." Before Markham could respond, Stackhouse tapped the Jumper radio and spoke into his headset. "Flight, this is Stackhouse. We're ready to go."

"You're cleared to depart, Sergeant," Grodin immediately responded.

"Copy that." Stackhouse glanced at Markham and nodded. "We'll contact you when we reach the Mainland. Jumper One out."

Teyla watched the Jumper bay recede out of view as Markham steered them directly up towards the exterior door.

The flight to the Mainland was uneventful. Before long, Teyla found herself stepping out of the Jumper and into the warm sunshine. She walked only a few feet before she spotted Halling walking briskly towards her. Teyla nodded and smiled grimly. "Halling. Any news?"

Halling touched foreheads with Teyla before stepping back and shaking his head. "No. I am… concerned."

"Which way did they head when they left here?" Stackhouse glanced around before looking at Halling expectantly.

"North," Halling pointed. "They were to head north for one day then come back. That was four days ago."

Stackhouse nodded. "Okay. We'll start there. We'll find them. We should be able to cover quite a wide area with the Jumper."

Following Stackhouse's lead, Teyla squeezed Halling's arm reassuringly. "Do not worry. We will bring them back." Giving Halling one last small smile, she turned and followed the rest of the team back into the Jumper.

Teyla stood behind Stackhouse's seat and looked out the window of the Jumper as Markham eased the Ancient vehicle into the air. Almost immediately, the technical readout from the life signs detector popped up in front of them.

"Reading anything?" Stackhouse squinted at the screen.

"Oh yeah," Markham arched an eyebrow as he directed the Jumper northward. "Everything that's crawling, walking or slithering down there is showing up." He glanced at Stackhouse dubiously. "It's a big continent, Stackhouse. The life signs detector is going to pick up everything moving within range. How are we going to tell what blips are the hunting party?"

Stackhouse sighed and thought for a moment. "Fly as low as you can. Maybe they'll see us… or we'll see them…."

Teyla stared hard at the dense vegetation before she glanced at Markham. His expression was as doubtful as hers as they both looked at Stackhouse.

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Stackhouse shook his head. "I'm open to suggestions."

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"No sign of them?" Elizabeth paced behind her desk. She glanced up, meeting eyes with Stackhouse.

"Not that we can tell, ma'am," Stackhouse responded.

"The life signs detector just isn't specific enough to distinguish between human life signs and other animals. Combine that with the dense vegetation…." Markham's voice trailed off.

Elizabeth sighed and nodded. "Needle in a haystack?"

"A very large haystack," Stackhouse muttered.

"And Teyla?"

Stackhouse shrugged. "She stayed at the settlement for the night. Markham and I will pick her up in the morning."

Elizabeth turned and looked out her office window at the Stargate. Her arms crossed, she drummed her fingers on her biceps as her mind wandered over the problem. After a moment, she reached up and tapped the call button on her headset. "Rodney? Can you come to my office for a minute?"

"On my way," Rodney instantly responded.

Elizabeth turned back towards the door, watching as Rodney crossed the control room and stopped in her doorway.

"What's going on?"

"Come in, Rodney," Elizabeth waved him in.

Rodney stepped around the two soldiers and stopped adjacent to them and next to Elizabeth's desk. "Markham, Stackhouse. No sign of the lost hunting party?"

"That's why I asked you in here, Rodney," Elizabeth responded, recapturing the doctor's attention. "I need your opinion on something."

Looking rather smug, Rodney crossed his arms. "Of course you do."

Elizabeth blinked, but ignored his remark. "Rodney, is there anyway to make the Jumper life signs detectors more accurate? We need to be able to distinguish human life signs from others."

"Hmm." Rodney started pacing, only stopping to glare at Markham, who just happened to be in the doctor's path.

Markham stepped back and flashed an irritated look at Rodney, who ignored it.

"Maybe," Rodney finally responded. "Since we discovered the internal sensors, which can distinguish different life signs, we've learned a lot about the differences in the two technologies. I think I may be able to adapt the Jumper. But I'd need to be there to constantly monitor the system… and we could overload and destroy the Jumper's power source entirely."

Elizabeth's gaze narrowed. "Destroy it? Why?"

"Well, the power requirements for those kinds of precise readings are enormous. Probably why the Jumpers weren't equipped with that kind of life signs detector in the first place… and probably why the hand held ones are the same. It's why we've had to confine the city system to only scanning the gate room and not constantly monitoring the city. If we had a Zed PM…."

"Rodney, I get it." Elizabeth interrupted him. "So, you could overload the Jumper's power supply in the process?"

Rodney nodded. "And fry the whole system."

"Great," Stackhouse muttered.

"I'm relatively sure I'd be able to shut down the system before that happened, if I was there to monitor it," Rodney responded, with a cold stare.

Stackhouse stared evenly back. "Relatively?"

"Nothing is certain, Sergeant!" Rodney snapped.

Elizabeth watched the Sergeant shrug, before he looked at her expectantly. Her eyes drifted to Markham, and finally settled on Rodney, both of whom wore similar expressions as Stackhouse. She pursed her lips briefly. "Okay, do it."

"Doing it." Rodney stepped past the two soldiers and walked out the door.

Not a step behind him, Stackhouse needled Rodney. "Searching for lost Athosians. Didn't think you had it in you, McKay."

"Trust me, I don't," Rodney shot back. "If I thought any of you had a snowball's chance in hell of maintaining this system without me, I wouldn't be going. I do have other things to be doing!"

Elizabeth shook her head and rubbed the bridge of her nose as the two men's voices faded from her hearing. She glanced up, her eyes fixing on the empty chair that sat opposite of her desk. In her mind she could see John sitting there, spouting off flippant remarks, arguing his opinion, or just offering her his support. Wishing he were there now, Elizabeth sighed, resigning herself to the fact that she'd just have to get used to it.

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The gray dawn barely illuminated the sky as Teyla looked up, watching as Jumper One gently landed in the clearing. In the gloom, she watched as four figures made their way to her. Teyla's gaze narrowed. "Dr. McKay?"

"Yeah, yeah," McKay waved absently. "Trust me, I wouldn't be here at this godforsaken early hour if you didn't need me to maintain the enhanced power systems."

Teyla turned a questioning look at Stackhouse. "Enhanced power… systems?"

Stackhouse held up his hand. "Come on, we'll explain it to you as we go. Let's find those hunters."

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This is crap. John paced behind the plush, white couch, shaking his head in frustration. He glanced at Heightmeyer, who stared back, watching him intently. He sighed. "What?"

Heightmeyer gave him a small, knowing smile. "Why don't you sit down, Major?"

John stopped in his tracks, his gaze narrowing. He smiled cynically. "That's okay." Open hostility colored his voice but, to his surprise, the doctor just continued looking at him.

"You'd be more comfortable."

Again, John sighed, taking no pains to hide his frustration. "This is a waste of time, Doctor, I'm fine."

Heightmeyer leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "Dr. Weir doesn't seem to think so."

"Yeah, well, she's overreacting," John snapped. He resumed pacing behind the couch.

"She's not the type."

Heightmeyer's quiet voice of reason did nothing to soothe John's emotions. He glared at her, but said nothing. The silence that followed should've been a relief, but John was all the more annoyed at it. He could feel the doctor watching him, measuring him up… trying to decide how best to "handle" him. Finally, unable to ignore her, John again glared at her.

The psychologist leaned forward, crossed her arms over her legs, and stared at him. "You seem very angry, John."

He quirked an eyebrow at her casual use of his first name. "I have every reason to be, Kate," he spat. He pursed his lips as she smiled again.

"Good. I'm glad we're on a first name basis. That's a start." She gestured at the sofa. "Please."

John stared at her coldly for a long moment. He really didn't feel like cooperating, but Elizabeth's words hung with him.

Major you are relieved of duty until Dr. Heightmeyer says otherwise….

Slowly, John walked around the end of the couch and sat down heavily. He slapped his hands on his thighs and stared squarely back at her.

Heightmeyer leaned back in her chair and folded her hands neatly on her lap. "That's much better, John."

He smiled coldly. "I suppose now you're going to ask me to tell you what I'm feeling?"

Kate arched her brows. "Not really." Her gaze narrowed. "You look tired, John. Are you having trouble sleeping?"

John glared at her, irritated at her observation. "If I said no, would you believe me?" he snapped.

Kate's expression took on a slightly challenging look as she stared evenly back at him. "No." She inhaled deeply. "You mentioned a 'Wraith Lord' in your report. Who was he?"

Off-guard, John clenched his jaw, fighting the surge of emotions that always seemed to accompany those memories. He'd put it out of his mind… tried not to think about what had happened… about Fred… Cooper….

"John?"

Snapped from his thoughts, John's nostrils flared as he sucked in a deep breath. His jaw clenched tightly, he was unable to keep a twitch from pulling at his cheek. She was watching him, studying him, looked for anything she could use against him….

Kate leaned forward again, her expression concerned. "Open up and let it out," she whispered.

John pulled in a shuddering breath. "He was the Wraith that tortured Cooper." His voice barely above a whisper, he shut his eyes against the image of Fred feeding on Cooper, but it stuck with him… consumed him. He could hear Fred's hisses, see Cooper's pain, hear the Corporal's agonized screams….

His breath caught. John could feel the stunner… the torture… his agony….

John jumped and blinked hard as he felt Heightmeyer's touch on his knee.

"It's okay. John? You're okay."

John pulled in a deep, shuddering breath, suddenly aware of the light sheen of sweat on his brow. "I don't want to talk about him," John fought to keep the tremor from his voice.

Kate nodded and pulled her hand away from his knee. "Tell me about Cooper then. Did you know him well?"

"He was a damn good soldier," John muttered, trying to stay on a safe topic. "Strong, cool headed…."

Kate nodded. "Even when you were captured?"

Anger surged through John as he shot to his feet. "Damn it! Why can't you just leave that alone?" he shouted, as he once again started pacing. He glared at Kate's unfazed expression as she watched him.

"Because you can't just bury these feelings and pretend everything is okay. You have to face them and deal with them. Then you can go on with your life. But not until then."

"You know?" John shot back, his voice a near shout. "After Mitch and Dex were shot down right in front of me I had to see a head shrink like you! He looked at me, asked me how their deaths made me feel, and then certified me for active duty! Let me save you time, Doctor. I'm mad as hell that Cooper died! Just like I was when Mitch and Dex died! But there isn't a damn thing I can do about it now except just go on with my life! So, stop pestering me, certify me for duty and save us both the trouble!" His chest heaving, John stared at Kate's expressionless face.

"Were their deaths quick?"

John narrowed his eyes at her soft question. "I don't…."

"Just answer the question, John," Kate interrupted. "Mitch and Dex, were their deaths quick and painless?"

"They were shot down by an RPG! They didn't even know what hit them!"

"So," Kate reasoned quietly, "while you were helpless to stop what happened, they died quickly, and probably painlessly as well. What about Cooper?" Her gaze narrowed. "Was that different?"

John stared at her, incredulously. "What the hell kind of question is that? He was tortured! Had his life slowly sucked from his body until nothing was left! He couldn't fight back! I couldn't…." John's voice trailed off as he abruptly turned away from her.

"You couldn't help him," Kate quietly supplied. "Why was Cooper tortured, John?"

John stared at the wall, not trusting his voice to answer.

"Tell me what I want to know… and I'll spare your companion." The Wraith tilted his head, a chilling smile parting his lips. "Resist me… and you will watch him die."

"To get to me," John whispered. "The Wraith used Cooper to try to get to me."

"So, your choice was to resist and watch the Corporal die, or to break and tell them everything about Atlantis." She sighed. "That's a no-win situation, John."

"Tell that to Cooper," John shot back, his voice returning.

"Do you think he knew that?"

John turned and faced her. "What?"

Kate's gaze was intent. "Do you think Cooper knew the stakes? That the survival of Atlantis – and even Earth – was on the line?"

John bowed his head and looked away.

Don't tell them anything, sir….

"He knew." John slowly looked again at her.

"What do you think that means?" Kate asked.

John's gaze narrowed. "What do I think that…?" Frustrated, he ran a hand quickly through his hair, before pointing emphatically at her. "It means that Cooper suffered and died, and I let it happen! That's what it means!"

"John…," Kate started, only to be cut off by him.

"This is pointless!" he shouted as he stalked to the door, "I'm done with this." Punching the door controls, he stalked out of Kate's suite. He heard her call after him, but he paid her no heed.

-----------------------------------

"McKay, how are we supposed to tell the difference between the sensor echoes and any real human life signs?" Stackhouse turned in his chair and glared at Rodney. "This is almost worse than before! At least then, we knew the readings actually were life forms!"

"I'm doing the best that I can!" Rodney shot back at the Sergeant with a definitive glare. "The Jumper's systems just aren't designed for this!" Rodney pulled down yet another access panel and started manipulating the circuits. "Hold on a sec…." He abruptly jumped back as the panel sparked. "Damn it!"

Teyla jumped up and quickly walked to him. She grabbed his arm lightly. "Are you all right, Dr. McKay?"

Rodney squinted at the opened panel. "Fine." He reached out and lightly tapped it a few times, testing for current, before he once more grabbed the circuits. After a minute, he looked over at Stackhouse, and the life signs display. "How's that?" Rodney smiled at the display. "Ah!" his voice was triumphant.

"Okay, I'm assuming we should be seeing nothing?" Stackhouse's response was unimpressed.

"Obviously, there aren't any human signs in the area!" Rodney grabbed one of several laptops and punched some keys. "It's doing what it's supposed to be doing."

"Hmm…." Stackhouse's reply was less than confident.

Rodney sighed loudly. "You think you can do better, Sergeant, you're welcome to come back here and try! Just let me off so when you blow yourself up, you don't take me with y…." Rodney's voice trailed off as three blips suddenly appeared on the Jumper display.

Teyla left Rodney's side and walked closer to the virtual display. "Is that them?" She glanced back at the doctor, who was busy punching keys on his laptop. After a moment, Rodney smiled smugly. "Human, for sure."

"Markham, set a course for them," Stackhouse immediately ordered. The Sergeant looked over his shoulder at Teyla. "Do you know any of these hunters?"

Teyla nodded. "Yes, leader is Kelin. He is an experienced hunter, which puzzles me as to why they were missing. I do not know the others well."

"What the hell?" Rodney's quiet exclamation grabbed all of their attentions.

"McKay?" Stackhouse asked, his expression turning wary. "What have you got?"

"An energy reading. Its…," Rodney's face scrunched in confusion, "gone…."

"McKay?" Stackhouse prompted again.

Rodney waved absently in the Sergeant's direction. "Shut up for a minute." He furiously tapped keys on the laptop.

"Wait… hey!" Markham protested as the Jumper's display changed. "I needed that!"

"McKay, what the hell are you doing?" Stackhouse demanded.

Teyla arched a silent eyebrow at the Sergeant, whose voice had taken on a decidedly irritated note.

"Oh, relax!" Rodney snapped. "I have the coordinates for the kids' location stored in memory. Just give me a second!"

"Meanwhile, I'll just fly blind," Markham muttered in disgust.

"McKay. Explanation. Now!" At the end of his patience, Stackhouse turned and glared at the doctor.

"Dr. McKay," Teyla reasoned quietly. "I need not remind you that the safety of the hunting party is why we are here…."

"Yes, yes, but while I was at it, I thought I'd save Atlantis in the process!" Rodney shot back, his statement effectively silencing the team.

After a long moment, a stunned Stackhouse recovered enough to talk. "You want to run that by me again?"

"I'm picking up a sporadic energy reading from a network of caves, not far from here. Pretty close to our missing hunters, actually. Judging by the signature, it's Ancient for sure." Rodney looked up, his smile one of pure glee. "The Ancients may have had an outpost on the Mainland."

Teyla was shocked. She stared at Rodney for a moment, her eyes wide in surprise, before she turned her attention to Stackhouse, whose expression matched hers.

"Ho-ly cow." Stackhouse squinted. "At the very least, we've flown over most of the Mainland. Why didn't we detect this before?"

"Would you at least TRY to listen to me?" Rodney snapped, "I said the readings were sporadic."

Stackhouse's expression took on a dangerous element. "Meaning?"

"Meaning it was shielded from sensors, probably to keep it hidden from the Wraith. The shield is likely damaged, maybe from the recent storm, or some sort of natural disturbance."

Regaining some of her poise, Teyla inhaled deeply. "Dr. McKay… the hunters."

"Oh fine!" Rodney rolled his eyes and punched several keys on his laptop. He looked up as the display abruptly changed back to showing the location of the three hunters.

"Finally," Markham grumbled. He eased the controls to the right and followed the path to the hunters. After a minute, he sighed loudly. "Uhh… problem here."

"What's wrong?" Stackhouse glanced over at the young soldier.

"The vegetation is pretty dense. I may not have a spot to land." Markham hovered the Jumper over the area where the hunters were located.

Stackhouse looked down. "What about there?" He pointed to a small clearing a short distance from where they were hovering.

Markham raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You've got to be kidding me. That's tiny!"

"The next closest clearing is three miles," Rodney grumbled. "Sergeant, you really need to land here."

"McKay," Stackhouse turned and looked at the doctor. "If the Ancients had an outpost here, why isn't there any place to land?"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "There probably was, ten thousand years ago!"

Teyla looked over Stackhouse's shoulder at the small clearing. "Can you do it, Sergeant?"

Markham sighed loudly. "Do I have a choice?" Slowly, he eased the Jumper down towards the small clearing.

Teyla felt the familiar vibrations as the drive pods retracted, and arched an eyebrow as tree branches scraped both sides of the Jumper.

"Yeah, I know," Markham responded to the unvoiced concerns. "I told you it was a tight fit."

"Sergeant, might I point out I have an irrational fear of crashing?" Rodney answered.

"You insisted we land here," Markaham responded in a distracted tone. He smiled as the Jumper gently settled to the ground, before he reached over and opened the back hatch.

"Piece of cake!" Stackhouse stood and slapped Markham on the shoulder.

"Yeah, right." Markham glared briefly at the Sergeant.

Clipping her P-90 to her vest, Teyla followed behind Stackhouse as they all exited the jumper. Dominated by the ship, the space offered no more than a foot clearance between the end of the ramp and the tree line.

"Great," Rodney muttered as he dodged a branch and stepped off the ramp. "Nice landing, Markham."

Markham glared at Rodney. "Next time I'll plant your butt in the tallest tree I can find, McKay."

"McKay," Stackhouse cut off Rodney before he could respond. "The hunters?"

Shooting one last glare at Markham, Rodney pulled out his LSD. He turned and pointed into the trees. "That way. Both the hunters and our energy reading are in that direction."

Stackhouse nodded. "Okay, I'm on point. Markham, take our six. Let's go."

Teyla followed behind Rodney as they slowly made their way through the thick vegetation. Before long, Rodney grunted and tapped Stackhouse on the shoulder.

"They're close." As if on cue, the vegetation thinned, revealing a sheer rock wall, with a narrow, crumbling opening.

"Huh," McKay grunted. "In there." He pointed towards the opening. "That should be the hunters."

Mid-stride, Stackhouse paused and looked back at Rodney warily. "Should be?"

Rodney glared at the Sergeant. "Hand held life signs detector!" He waved the Ancient device emphatically. "In case you were sleeping through that part of the conversation, the hand held devices can't distinguish between different life signs. I'm working on the assumption that the same three, clustered life signs we determined were the hunters in the Jumper are the same ones we're trailing now!"

"Great," Stackhouse muttered. "I'd hate to walk in there and come nose to nose with a bear."

Teyla cocked her head in curiosity. "A… bear?"

"Big, bad nasty and mostly foul tempered animal…." Stackhouse shrugged. "Never mind."

"Ahh," Teyla nodded. She stepped around Stackhouse and stopped right in front of the cave entrance. "Kelin?" she called, her voice echoing in the darkness. "It is Teyla Emmagan!"

"Or we could just do that." Stackhouse smiled and nodded at Teyla, who returned the gesture. They both looked back at the cave entrance as scraping and rustling against the rocks could be heard.

"That better not be a bear," Markham commented as he walked up next to Teyla, his P-90 aimed at the cave.

"Sergeant, we're in another galaxy! The odds of the same animal life forms being here…." Rodney's voice trailed off as the scraping grew louder. "I'll uhh… just stay back here and take some readings," he finished quietly.

Teyla smiled to herself as she heard the doctor draw and cock his side arm. She glanced at Stackhouse as he lifted his P-90, his gaze focused on the cave. She did the same as the scraping noises got closer. She pulled in a relieved breath as a young Athosian teenage boy abruptly appeared out of the darkness. He stopped in his tracks, eyes widening at the drawn guns. "It is all right," Teyla lowered her weapon as the others did the same. "We were looking for you." Teyla squinted at the youth as she tried to place him. "You are… Rentel?"

The youth nodded vigorously before bowing his head at her. "Teyla Emmagan."

Teyla smiled reassuringly. "Yes. Where is Kelin?"

Rentel turned and waved them to follow. "He is inside with Sorbus. He is hurt." Rentel hurried along the dark tunnel, chattering at Teyla and the following party as he went. "That is why we never returned. When Kelin was injured, we did not know what to do. Kelin has taught us never to wander into the forests on our own, and we could not leave him as he is."

Teyla nodded as she followed behind him. "You did the right thing, Rentel. All will be fine now." She looked around as the tunnel widened into a large cavern, and then looked down as the rock under her feet turned to heavily silted flooring of some kind. She felt as if she was in a cave, but instead of rock surrounding her, the walls were lined with some sort of tiling, and Ancient consoles were scattered throughout the cavern.

"Oh, yeah." Rodney looked around and made a beeline for the nearest console.

Ignoring all that was around her, Teyla headed straight for an unconscious man lying not far away. She glanced briefly at the sandy haired youth that sat next to Kelin and smiled, recognizing him. "Sorbus?"

The teenage boy nodded at her. "Teyla."

Teyla knelt next to Kelin, her keen eyes fixing on a large, discolored bump on his forehead. "Kelin? It is Teyla, Teyla Emmagan. Can you hear me?" Her frown deepened at his lack of response. She glanced at Stackhouse, who knelt on the other side of Kelin and palpated the Athosian man's carotid pulse.

Stackhouse looked up at Rentel, who stood next to him. "How long has he been like this?"

"Many hours." Rentel's face was worried.

Stackhouse frowned and pulled his hand away from Kelin's neck. "We need to get him back to Atlantis ASAP."

"We'll need something to carry him on." Markham looked around before fixing a questioning glance on Stackhouse.

Teyla stood. "Rentel, Sorbus, come with me. We will make something in the woods." She looked down at Stackhouse and smiled. "We will not be long."

Stackhouse nodded back. "The quicker the better."

"I'll give you a hand." Markham followed behind them.

Stackhouse watched Teyla, Markham and the two Athosian youths leave the cavern, before glancing around and finding Rodney. "McKay?"

"What?" Rodney's annoyed answer echoed faintly.

The Sergeant shook his head and smiled slightly. "Find anything interesting?"

"Interesting yes, useful, I'm not sure." Rodney poked a few keys on one of the Ancient consoles and sighed loudly before kneeling and opening a panel on the underside of the console. "I don't get it. Apparently there is some power somewhere, otherwise how did the base shield continue to function? But I can't… ah ha!" Rodney scooted out from under the console as it whined to life, casting a dim orange glow on the floor and walls around it.

"Got something?" Stackhouse asked.

"Yes, power!" Rodney snapped. He started pressing buttons on the console. "Hmm… lots of biological and botanical information about the indigenous vegetation, but nothing in technology or weapons. Wonder what they were researching…."

Stackhouse looked down at Kelin before responding to Rodney. "Whatever it is, it can wait until we get Kelin to Atlantis." The Sergeant glanced at the tunnel, willing Teyla to return.

"Oh boy…."

Rodney's soft exclamation caught Stackhouse's attention. He glanced at Rodney questioningly. "McKay?" Even in the dim light of the cavern, Stackhouse could easily see an astonished look on the doctor's face. "What is it?"

"There's data here about the natural inhibiting properties some of the indigenous plant life has." Rodney shook his head and stared down at the Ancient console again. "The Ancients were researching biological inhibitors to defend themselves against the Wraith." Rodney looked around. "We need to get a botanist over here."

"Inhibitors?" Stackhouse thought for a moment. "Like what the Hoffans were doing?"

"Similar," Rodney responded. "But instead of using a mutated human protein, the Ancients were researching naturally occurring inhibitors in plant life."

"Did they find anything?"

Rodney let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh yes, it says right here: 'To fend off a Wraith attack, take three leaves of this plant and wait 12 hours.'"

Stackhouse refused to be baited. "And that plant would be?" He smiled at Rodney's icy stare. Movement in the tunnel diverted the Sergeant's attention. He stood as Teyla, Markham and the two Athosian boys returned. "It can wait, McKay."

"You don't need me to…."

"No, McKay," Stackhouse interrupted. "I'm not leaving you here alone, and no one else is staying."

"I'll be fine! I just want to…."

"No." Stackhouse glared at Rodney. "And that's final."

Irritated, Rodney glared back at the Sergeant for a moment. "Fine." He looked down and tapped a few keys on the console.

Markham, Stackhouse, Teyla and the Athosian boys quickly settled Kelin into the makeshift stretcher. As they headed towards the exit, Stackhouse looked over his shoulder. "Now, McKay!"

----------------------------------

Elizabeth stared out at the long, early evening sunlight that streamed in through the windows behind the inactive Stargate as she listened to Stackhouse's report.

"We don't know if Kelin is going to be okay yet," Stackhouse concluded. "He's in the infirmary now."

She turned and smiled at Stackhouse and Markham. "Well done, both of you." She transferred her attention to a fidgeting Rodney. "You too, Rodney." She sighed. "I just hope we found Kelin in time."

"Yes, yes, this is all so touching, but we have more important things to discuss!" Rodney loudly interjected.

"You know?" Markham glared at Rodney, "I'm always amazed how much you care about other people, McKay."

"What?" Rodney looked at each one of them in turn. "The man is in the infirmary. We don't know anything about his condition and won't for quite a while. We can either sit around and brood about it, or we can talk about what is in that cave. I for one prefer the more productive path!"

Elizabeth arched an annoyed eyebrow at Rodney, before she walked around behind her desk and sat down. "Okay, what did you find, Rodney?"

Rodney pointed at the data pad on her desk. "As my report indicates, the Ancients were studying the natural inhibitors in the local plant life as a means to defend themselves from the Wraith. I don't know much more, because someone," Rodney shot an annoyed look at Stackhouse, "wouldn't let me stay and continue researching it."

"I wasn't going to leave you there alone, McKay," Stackhouse glared at Rodney, "in case something happened. You're doing a good job of making me doubt that decision though."

The look on Rodney's face made Elizabeth swear he was going to stick his tongue out at Stackhouse.

"Very funny!" Rodney snapped.

"Rodney!" Elizabeth's interruption halted Rodney mid rant. She stared sternly at him as he looked over at her. "What's your recommendation?"

Rodney sighed. "That we go back. Now. We take a team, including a couple of botanists, and go back. We need to know if the Ancients were onto anything in their research."

"Wouldn't they have used it if they had found anything that would help?" Markham asked quietly.

"If they had time!" Rodney sighed. "Their research could've been incomplete, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be useful to us!" Rodney once again looked at Elizabeth. "We need to go back and find out."

Elizabeth once again looked out over the Gateroom, and the long shadows being cast by the setting sun. She turned back and nodded at Rodney. "Tomorrow. Figure out who you want to take and go back tomorrow."

"Elizabeth," Rodney started, "tonight would be…."

"No," Elizabeth interrupted. She shook her head. "It's been a long day, Rodney. The outpost has waited ten thousand years. It can wait another day." She arched an eyebrow and gave Rodney a stern look. "Tomorrow."

Rodney stared evenly back at her for a moment, before nodding in resignation. "Fine." He turned and quickly walked out of her office.

Elizabeth sighed and shook her head slightly before looking over at the two sergeants. "Thank you."

Both men smiled but it was Markham that spoke. "Just glad I don't have to fly him back." He smiled at Stackhouse's questioning look. "I have another assignment tomorrow."

Elizabeth smiled back. "I think we can find someone else. That'll be all, gentlemen." She returned her attention to her laptop as the two men quietly left her office. She wasn't sure how long she sat there working before a low voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Elizabeth."

She looked up, straightening in her chair as she stared at John. He was standing rock still in her doorway, his gaze carefully neutral. Stubble lined his face, and it looked as if he hadn't shaved in a couple days. She studied the black lines under his eyes, wondering when was the last time he'd slept well… or at all, for that matter. "John. Come in."

He slowly walked into her office and settled heavily into the chair opposite her desk.

She smiled slightly. "How are you?"

"Fine."

John's answer was immediate and short. Elizabeth nodded slightly… unconvinced. "What can I do for you?"

"I hear they found an Ancient Outpost on the mainland. McKay find anything interesting there?"

Elizabeth looked down at the data pad on her desk. He wasn't even on active duty. He had other things to think about. Deep inside she was torn. How much should she tell him? Or keep from him? Would it do more harm than good to keep anything from him? Or would it fuel his frustration to know everything, yet not be able to do anything about it?

"Elizabeth?"

John's quiet plea forced her hand. She looked up. "Maybe. We're sending a team back tomorrow to check further. According to what Rodney knows so far, the Ancients were studying the natural inhibiting properties in a particular species of flower, as a possible defense against a Wraith feeding attack."

John sat up straight in his chair, the fatigue on his face disappearing. "You're kidding. Does it work?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "We don't know yet. That's what the team going back tomorrow is going to find out." She watched John's expression take on a contemplative air.

"Markham's escorting an archeological team to MRR-936 tomorrow to study the ruins there. He can't fly them back."

"I know." Elizabeth nodded. "Miller is taking over." She cocked her head slightly as John leaned forward in his chair.

"I should be flying that Jumper."

Elizabeth pursed her lips and slowly shook her head. "No. Miller can handle it."

John sucked in a deep breath and stood. "Damn it, Elizabeth, this is a big deal. We're not talking about some routine trip, we're talking about a possible defense against the Wraith." He leaned both hands on her desk and stared intensely at her. "I need to be there."

Unwavering, Elizabeth stared evenly back. "No."

John sighed loudly and turned away. He paced across her office before turning and looking back at her. "It's bad enough I didn't… I couldn't help find those hunters. You can't keep me out of the loop. Not this time."

Elizabeth crossed her hands on her desk and hung on tightly to her resolve. Her gaze followed John as he paced her office. "You're not out of the loop, John: you know what's going on. But you know the deal. You're off active duty until Heightmeyer says otherwise. That hasn't changed."

John's pacing abruptly halted. He stared hard at her. Anger, frustration and pain just below the surface seeped through his expression. "Fine," he snapped.

"John…."

"No." John waved a hand at her. "I'm leaving. Before I say something I might regret later." He gave her one more icy stare and stormed out.

Elizabeth closed her eyes, pain flowing freely through her.

---------------------------

Rodney stepped back from the Ancient console and sighed loudly. He glanced at Dr. Samuels, sighing again as the botanist, who was absorbed in his work, didn't pay Rodney any heed. His irritation redoubled. "Find anything?" he demanded loudly.

Samuels looked up and grinned. "This is fascinating! The Ancients did extensive research on the plant life on this world. Their notes on photosynthesis and chlorophyll are amazing…."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, fascinating I'm sure!" he interrupted. "Anything we can use?"

"Well," Dr. Samuels looked down at the database display he was reading, "I'm just now reaching some rather interesting notes on the inhibiting properties of a certain flower that the Ancients were studying. Apparently, according to the research, the flower possessed a protein that protected it from a local bacterium that can destroy it in a manner similar to the tissue destruction from the Wraith enzyme. The protein prevents the tissue destruction, and preliminary laboratory tests using Wraith enzyme showed promising results."

Rodney's gaze narrowed. "Sort of like endogenous proteins in grain?"

Samuels nodded. "Yes, similar. Like endogenous proteins inhibit digestibility in humans, the Ancients were researching this plant's proteins to inhibit the Wraith enzyme, maybe even block it entirely."

"Okay, that's something we can use." Rodney walked to the console and read over the botanist's shoulder. He abruptly stiffened. "Wait. Bacteria? Are we…?"

"Relax," Samuels interrupted. "According to the database, the bacterium was specific to plants. It had no effect on animal life, including humans."

"Good to know," Rodney muttered as he started reading through the data.

"Can one of you translate any of that into English?" Until this point, Corporal Miller had been silently listening to the exchange between the two scientists.

Rodney paused in his reading and glared at the Corporal. "Plant protein good. Protection from Wraith feeding, very good!" he snapped sarcastically.

"Thanks," Miller muttered, as he glared back at Rodney. He glanced at his watch. "Thirty minutes before we go."

"What? We can't just leave!" Rodney once again glared at the young Corporal.

"McKay, you've been at this all day. We're leaving in thirty minutes, and that's final. Besides, I have orders from Dr. Weir to have both of you back in Atlantis by nightfall." Miller smiled smugly. "You can come back tomorrow."

"Fine." Rodney snapped.

-----------------------------------------------------

The narrow path between the back of Heightmeyer's couch, and her desk was becoming increasingly familiar to John as he turned and once again paced its length. He glanced at the psychologist, flashing her a cold glare, his irritation intensifying as she returned his hostility with a neutral expression of her own. "Aren't you going to ask me to sit down?" he snapped.

"No."

John stopped, leaned both hands on the back of the couch, and stared at her.

After a moment, Kate sighed and sat back in her chair. "You're still very angry, John."

"No kidding," John snapped. "Weir pulled me off active duty, and everyone walks around me like they're on eggshells, and never once have any of them listened to what I've told them! I'm fine!"

"I think," Kate answered quietly, "they have been listening to you, John. More than you realize."

"Whatever that means." He pushed away from the couch and resumed walking his path.

"Who was Brianor?"

Kate's unexpected question froze John mid step. He inhaled sharply and pursed his lips, struggling to keep neutral, to stop her from finding something to pick at, but, as he turned a glare on her, John knew pain had still found its way to his eyes. "Who told you about her?"

Kate leaned back in her chair, a knowing look crossing her face. "I've talked with every member of your team, John. Drs Weir and Beckett also."

John's jaw twitched. He was exposed, and that only drove his anger. "My team…."

"Don't." For the first time, Kate interrupted him. "Don't blame them for anything, John. They want to help you. Everyone wants to help you. Why won't you let us?"

"Because I don't need any damn help!" John slammed his fist into the top of the couch emphatically. But, as he glared back at Kate, John saw the blunt determination in her face.

"You're wrong," Kate contradicted him with a confident tone, "and I think deep down, you know it."

At a loss for words, John looked away.

"Who was Brianor?" Kate repeated.

John left his usual path and walked over to the large window. He stared at the distant control tower. "A woman on Palla."

"Was she special to you?"

John slowly turned and glared at her. "You already know the answer to that."

Kate shook her head. "No. I know what the others have told me, not what you're feeling." She arched an eyebrow at him. "Answer the question."

Returning his gaze to the window, John shook his head. "She could've been. We didn't have a chance to find out."

"You found her, didn't you?"

"McKay," John swallowed hard against his anger.

"John?"

"Yes, damn it!" John snapped. "I did! I found them…," his voice trailed off to a whisper, "both." He shut his eyes against the image, but couldn't shed it. He heard Kate walk over to him, but as he opened his eyes, he refused to look at her.

"Tell me what you saw," Kate insisted quietly.

"No." Still he refused to look at her, even when Kate squeezed his arm gently.

"John, you can't carry all of this around inside. Cooper's death, Bower's, the Pallans, Brianor and her child: you can't blame yourself for their deaths. The more you bottle this up, and try to ignore it, the more it's going to hurt you. John," Kate's grip tightened on his arm, "listen to me. Don't lose yourself to this."

John's eyes widened and he pulled in a stuttering breath as the doctor's words tripped his memory.

Brianor stroked his cheek gently. "Do not let loss ruin you, John."

He pulled Brianor against him. Her warm, soft body melted into his, and for a moment, John let his cheek rest against her soft hair. Slowly, John leaned forward and kissed her lightly….

"John?"

Kate's words pulled John back to the present. He stared at her, words escaping him. Again, she'd exposed him… forced him to face his pain… to live it… to acknowledge its presence and face its effects. He involuntarily stepped away from her, but she followed him.

"John? Talk to me. Don't turn away. Not now."

He glared at her, raw, painful emotions consuming him. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"John…."

"No," John cut her off. "Leave me alone." He turned away and stormed from her office.

----------------------------------

"Let me get this straight. The plant the Ancients were studying could defend us against Wraith attack?" Elizabeth's eyes widened incredulously. "Where is it? Have you seen it?"

"Not yet. We were only beginning to read through the pertinent information," Samuels answered.

"Yes, we'd know more, but the time police over here," Rodney waved at Corporal Miller, "insisted we leave!" Rodney flashed a glare at Miller, who glared back.

"Those were my orders, Rodney," Elizabeth commented. "I knew if I didn't lay down the law, we'd never get you two out of there."

"Yes, well, we don't have any more information for you right now," Rodney answered.

Elizabeth folded her hands on her desk. "Is there any other information there, not related to the Ancients' study of plants?"

"None that we could find," Rodney answered, as he slowly paced across her office. "Looks like it's all the province of the botanists."

"Okay." Elizabeth nodded. She looked up at Samuels. "I want you and Dr. Fusanaki to go back to the mainland tomorrow to continue studying the Ancients' research. See if you can find this plant the database is referring to."

"Ma'am, I'm on duty tomorrow, AM," Miller interjected.

Elizabeth smiled at him. "Okay, we'll find someone else to fly them. Maybe Markham's free. Find out for me, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am," Miller nodded.

"What about me?" Rodney demanded.

"Rodney, your team is going off world tomorrow. I need you to go with them."

"But…."

"Rodney," Elizabeth interrupted his protest, "you said yourself the research on the mainland is the province of the botanists. I need you to be with your team."

"Fine." Rodney brooded for a moment, before his gaze narrowed slightly. "Major Sheppard?"

Elizabeth sighed. "Major Sheppard is still off duty." She glanced up as Miller's eyes widened, but he said nothing. "Conner is joining you, Ford and Teyla, Rodney. It's a routine reconnaissance of one of the planets we did a MALP survey on a few weeks back. Briefing is at 0900, you embark at 0930." She leaned back in her chair and smiled at all of them. "Thank you, gentlemen, that's all."

----------------------------------------

Elizabeth pushed back from her desk and sighed. Even with working late into the previous night, she swore the stack of reports on her desk was just as big. Crossing her hands on her lap, she stared at the reports littering her desktop, her mind wandering.

In the time since she'd relieved John from duty, he'd seen Dr. Heightmeyer, as per Elizabeth's orders, and kept every appointment the psychologist had made for him. Elizabeth shook her head. She should be satisfied with that, but Heightmeyer's observations of John had Elizabeth worried. "Stubborn," she whispered. Her thoughts wandered to her conversation with Heightmeyer first thing that morning….

Elizabeth smiled as Heightmeyer entered her office, closed the door, and sat down. "How's Major Sheppard doing?" She watched anxiously as Heightmeyer sighed quietly.

"I wish he was better," Heightmeyer responded quietly. "He's been diligent in keeping all of his appointments, and we made progress in the first couple of sessions, but he's grown resistant lately… and closed up."

"He's frustrated because I won't let him go off world, or even to the mainland," Elizabeth sighed. "But there's no way I'm sending him off world in his current state. Who knows what could happen?"

Heightmeyer nodded. "Yes, I agree, and as hard as it is for you to say no, you have to. He's not fit for off world duty. Not yet. But…." She abruptly stood and slowly paced in front of Elizabeth's desk.

Elizabeth watched her. "But what?"

Heightmeyer crossed her arms, her fingers drumming on her upper arms as she thought. "He is deeply frustrated. A lot of that comes from his forced inactivity. Maybe doing something is what he needs, and would help him."

"You're not suggesting I send him off world again?" Weir couldn't keep the surprise from her voice.

"No," Heightmeyer immediately answered. "Definitely not. But, what about letting him fly the next group of scientists to the mainland? It'll let him off Atlantis, at least for an afternoon. It doesn't seem like much, but it could be enough to help him relax a little."

Elizabeth sat back in her chair. She smiled at Heightmeyer. "I'll think about it."

Elizabeth sighed. That's all I've been thinking about… . She was torn. On one hand she wanted to let him go, but on the other, she was hesitant. She glanced at the next mission report. It had the Major's team written all over it: Teyla's network of off-world contacts had given them this lead. A young, agrarian society that Elizabeth hoped Teyla could broker a trade agreement with. While there was no way John would be going, Elizabeth couldn't find a rational reason to keep Rodney and Aiden from accompanying Teyla.

Elizabeth looked up as a figure in the doorway caught her attention. Reserved, she still smiled.

"Am I interrupting?" John quirked his eyebrows, and flashed her one of his best disarming smiles.

Elizabeth leaned forward and held her smile. "Not at all. Come in, John." She watched him intently as he walked into her office, his stride easy and relaxed. He eased into one of the chairs, rested his chin on one of his hands, and smiled back at her.

Elizabeth chuckled. "What do you want?"

"Want?" John arched his brows. "What makes you think I want something?" He grinned again.

"That," Elizabeth pointed at him. "That smile, Major. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Let me off Atlantis," John replied, his expression imploring. "I'm getting cabin fever."

Weir's smile faded. "John…." His wave cut her off.

"I know you're not ready to put me on full active duty yet, but you need someone to fly Samuels and Fusanaki to the mainland today, and I need something to do. At least let me fly them there." He shrugged. "Come on, what trouble could I get into?"

In spite of her reservations, Elizabeth smiled. "Plenty."

"Me?" John arched his brows. "Nah. I'll just fly them there, probably get roped into touching everything in sight," he waved his hand for good measure, "then fly back."

Elizabeth glanced at her computer screen, her gaze fixing on the morning's off-world mission report. Part of her wanted to tell John, and felt guilty for leaving him out of the loop on this. Her gaze unfocused. He seemed fine… normal, back to his old self, yet Heightmeyer didn't share that assessment, and until the psychologist was certain, Elizabeth knew she had to stand by her decision, no matter how much John pressed her to be on active duty again. She slowly smiled. Maybe this trip to the mainland was what they both needed. Part of her felt deceitful, but she turned away from it. After all, it might help John too, and that wasn't a bad thing….

"Elizabeth?"

John's voice grabbed her attention. She smiled. "Okay, go."

John grinned and jumped to his feet. "Thanks. See you tonight." He quickly jogged out of her office.

Elizabeth stood, turned and looked out her window at the inactive gate. Sending Sheppard's team off world, without him knowing about it, grated on her, but she tried to let it go. She frowned, her brows furrowing deeply. Sooner or later, he'd find out, and, knowing John, it wouldn't go over well, but that was something she would just have to deal with when the time came.

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From her place at the far end of the conference room table, Elizabeth watched as Ford, Teyla, McKay and Sergeant Conner filtered one by one into the room.

As each took their seats, Ford was the first one to speak. He looked around, his expression questioning. "Where's the Major?"

Elizabeth pulled in a deep breath. She'd known this question was coming, and made no effort to avoid it. "Major Sheppard is flying Dr. Samuels' team to the Mainland today."

"Shouldn't he be…?"

"No, Lieutenant," Elizabeth cut off Ford's question. "The Major isn't on active duty. He doesn't need to be here." She looked around the room at the tense silence that followed her statement, before turning her attention to McKay. "Rodney? What does the MALP say about M77-241?"

The doctor cleared his throat. "Nothing out of the ordinary. The gate is out in the open, and no one was around when we sent the MALP through."

"Should be fine, ma'am," Ford added quietly.

Elizabeth scanned the MALP report Rodney handed her. "Looks good. Maj…." She bit off her own mistake and looked up. Her gaze narrowed as she met eyes with Ford. "Lieutenant, you have a go." She watched Ford's hesitant expression for a moment, before the young Lieutenant slowly nodded.

"Yes, ma'am," Ford pushed back from the table and stood, the other members of his team following his lead. Silently, they trailed Ford from the room.

Elizabeth leaned back in her chair, acutely aware of the tension that still seemed to linger in the room. Her fingers lightly and aimlessly traced over the surface of the table as her thoughts wandered. She had keenly felt John's absence during his captivity on the Wraith ship. The instant he'd returned through the gate, she'd thought all was well. But it wasn't, and she came to the realization that things hadn't been right from the moment he'd returned. He was here. John was back on Atlantis, back with his friends, but he wasn't the same John Sheppard that she trusted… that she relied on.

Elizabeth pursed her lips. She never expected him to just forget what had happened to him, nor that his ordeal wouldn't affect him, but the John Sheppard that threw an Athosian vase against the wall and yelled at her, that drew a gun on her, that hit Rodney, wasn't the John Sheppard she knew. She sighed. Somehow, someone had to get through to him. Make him see that he needed help… and Elizabeth wasn't so sure she was the person to do it.

Elizabeth pushed back from the table, stood and slowly walked from the conference room, her troubled thoughts still plaguing her as she headed back to her office.

-----------------------

Elizabeth stared blankly at the computer screen, concentration eluding her. That seemed to be the norm for the afternoon. The turn of events today occupied her mind to the point of distraction. She sighed, looking up as Peter Grodin stuck his head in her office.

"Dr. Weir? Major Sheppard and Drs Samuels and Fusanaki are en route back from the Mainland. ETA 2 minutes."

Nervousness crept into Elizabeth's gut as she nodded, flashing Grodin a quick smile. "Thank you, Peter." She sighed as he left, chastising herself for her bout of unwanted nerves. She had nothing to apologize for, nothing to feel guilty about in excluding John from the current mission, but telling him about it was not a conversation she looked forward to.

Her thoughts were interrupted by gate activity, as the chevrons began lighting on the Stargate. Elizabeth quickly walked out of her office and crossed the command deck to stand next to Grodin.

"Incoming wormhole, Dr. Weir," Peter automatically responded as he tapped a few keys on a nearby laptop. "Receiving Lieutenant Ford's IDC."

Elizabeth tapped the receiver on her headset. "Lieutenant? You're two hours early. What's your status?"

"Ma'am!" Ford's tense voice responded against a background of sporadic gunfire. "We've encountered Genii and are under fire! Conner's wounded, and we're coming in hot!"

"Copy that, Lieutenant," Elizabeth immediately responded. She glanced down at Grodin. "Lower the shield." Turning, she made eye contact with a nearby soldier standing guard. "Get a security detail in the gate room now."

The soldier nodded, and ran across the command center, barking orders into his headset.

Elizabeth looked down into the gate room as security personnel descended on the active Stargate from all directions. She pursed her lips, watching, waiting for her people to come through the wormhole. She shook her head and tapped her headset receiver again. "Lieutenant? The way is clear." She pursed her lips once more as silence greeted her for a long moment. "Lieutenant? Do you copy?"

"Yes, ma'am," Ford abruptly responded. "We're working on it."

"Copy that." Elizabeth sighed and waited. Watching the soldiers take defensive positions around the gate, Elizabeth did a double take as a particular figure, bearing a P-90, raced in from the west entrance. She shook her head and watched john take position close to the gate. He stared at the incoming wormhole over the top of his P-90, his face a mask of professionalism, but even from this distance, she could see the barely checked anger.

Gunfire spraying through the wormhole recaptured her attention, and Elizabeth unconsciously ducked. She looked behind her at Grodin. "Keep it open!" She turned back to the gate and watched as Rodney abruptly appeared, half-supporting, half-carrying Sergeant Conner. John ran out from behind cover, interceding himself between Rodney and Conner and the open gate.

Another figure dashed through, weapon firing. Without hesitation, John returned fire, soundly dropping the Genii soldier before he could advance more than a couple feet.

Elizabeth pulled in a nervous breath as John's voice shouted over the radio.

"Ford, Teyla! Get your asses through the gate!"

Elizabeth pulled her eyes from the Stargate and glanced at Rodney, who had managed to drag Conner off to the side and behind cover. Her gaze returned to John. Never taking his aim from the gate, the Major dropped to one knee and stared intently at the wormhole.

Suddenly, Ford and Teyla backpedaled through the gate, still firing back through the wormhole. They both staggered to a stop.

Elizabeth whirled and faced Grodin. "Raise the shield, now!"

Wide-eyed, Grodin punched a button on the Ancient console.

Elizabeth spun back around, staring at the gate as the shield sprang to life. Three distinct flashes bounced off the shield an instant before the gate deactivated. Pulling in a deep breath, Elizabeth tapped her radio receiver. "Medical team to the gate room!" She jogged across the command deck and quickly descended the stairs into the gate room proper.

Ford and Teyla still stood right in front of the gate, both of them panting hard as they tried to catch their breath. Elizabeth's eyes traveled left, and fixed on the prone, unconscious form of Sergeant Conner. John knelt over him, his hands pressed over a bleeding wound in the Sergeant's side. John looked up, his face grim as he made brief eye contact with her, before the arriving medical team drew his attention away. Relieved of care of the wounded soldier, John slowly stood. He wiped his hands on a towel the medical team provided and walked over to Teyla, Ford and Rodney.

Elizabeth watched him as she crossed the gate room. His face was a mask of carefully controlled anger as he stopped in front of his three team members. Elizabeth pursed her lips as John glanced at her, his gaze narrowing in anger. He stared hard at her as she stopped next to them.

Pulling her gaze from the Major, Elizabeth glanced at Ford, McKay and Teyla. "Are you three all right?" She smiled slightly as each one nodded back. "We'll talk about what happened later."

Ford looked at her for a moment, and then flicked his gaze to John before he nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Elizabeth drew in a deep breath as the three of them walked away, and slowly looked at John, who gazed coldly back at her.

"We need to talk. Now." Not giving her a chance to say a word, John dropped the towel on a pile of medical trash and stalked across the gate room towards the main stairs.

Elizabeth sighed and hesitated a moment, before she turned and followed wordlessly behind John.

-------------------------

She entered her office and paused. John was standing squarely in front of her desk, his arms folded defensively over his chest, and his expression a cross between hurt and seething. On the other side of her office, Drs Fusanaki and Samuels waited silently, their expressions pensive as they repeatedly glanced at the major.

Elizabeth smiled briefly at them. "Can you give Major Sheppard and me a moment, please?"

Both doctors nodded silently and exited her office.

Elizabeth reached behind her and slowly pulled the door closed before crossing her office and sitting down behind her desk. "Have a seat, Major," she gestured, keeping her voice carefully neutral.

John stared back at her, silent for a moment, before he sucked in a deep breath. "What the hell was that?"

Her expression strong, Elizabeth arched an eyebrow back at John. "What?"

"That!" John waved his hand emphatically towards the Stargate. "You sent my team off world into a potentially dangerous situation, and I didn't even know about it!"

"Major!" Elizabeth snapped loudly, interrupting John mid-rant. "You are on the inactive list. Mission reports and activities are not your concern until Dr. Heightmeyer says otherwise."

"That's a load of crap, Elizabeth, and you know it! Things are different here than they would be back at the SGC! The safety of this base is my responsibility! I should've been briefed!"

Elizabeth's dark eyes narrowed as she stared back at him. "No, Major! You shouldn't have!" She raised her voice, nearly matching his. "What you should be doing is sorting things out with Dr. Heightmeyer, not standing here yelling at me!" The consummate diplomat, she knew well the dangers of letting other people roll over the top of you, even in the name of diplomacy. No matter the situation, if there was no respect, you couldn't negotiate. This was the second time he'd stormed into her office and decided to yell at her… and that was two times too many. It was going to stop. Now. She pointed emphatically at a chair. "Now, sit down!"

Shock replaced anger on John's face as he stared silently back at her.

Not backing down, Elizabeth glared at him. "Sit!"

Slowly, John uncrossed his arms and eased into a chair.

Elizabeth stared fiercely at him for a moment longer, before softening her gaze and taking a seat in her own chair.

"I should've been briefed," John repeated, this time much more quietly. While controlled, his voice was still angry. "Is that why you let me go to the Mainland? To get me out of the way?" he asked, cynically.

Elizabeth met his hostile gaze with a strong one of her own. "Partly. But I wanted you to have a little time off Atlantis too, John." She flashed him a brief smile.

John pulled in a deep, frustrated breath and rubbed his face before sighing loudly. "I don't like being out of the loop, Elizabeth." He looked at her again, the frustration in his face tempered by pain.

"You'd be back in the loop faster if you'd cooperate with Dr. Heightmeyer, John," she ventured. She watched as John's expression abruptly turned defensive.

"She can't help me."

"John," Elizabeth sighed, "you're not even trying." She pursed her lips at his questioning look. "I've asked Dr. Heightmeyer to keep me appraised of your progress."

A cynical half smile popped onto John's face as he looked away. "Right."

"John, you're a member of my senior staff, and the commander of Atlantis' military personnel. I need to know how you're doing…" she softened her voice, "and I want to know. You're my friend, too, and I'm worried about you."

John looked up at her again. "I'm fine, Elizabeth. Why can't you accept that?"

Elizabeth arched an eyebrow. "Because every time you come in my office, I feel the need to put my breakables away. You're not fine, John," she insisted, "and everyone sees that but you."

Defensive rage sparked in John's eyes as he quickly stood and pointed angrily at her. "Don't go around behind my back again." He turned and headed for the door.

Elizabeth stood. "John?" But he paid her no heed. She watched as he wordlessly exited her office, her gaze fixed on him until he disappeared down the back stairs. Taking a moment to compose herself, she pulled in a deep breath, before her searching eyes found the two waiting botanists. Surprisingly, Rodney had appeared next to them. She waved them into her office and motioned at the chairs. "Doctors? You're back early from the Mainland. Is everything okay?"

Dr. Samuels exchanged pensive looks with Dr. Fusanaki before he looked at Elizabeth. "We found some bad news," he said, quietly.

Elizabeth sighed. "Never rains, but it pours." She pursed her lips. "What is it, Doctor?"

"The plant the Ancients were studying was from another planet. It's not indigenous to this planet. They had it brought here for study. Unfortunately, according to the database, not long after they brought several specimens to test, the Wraith wiped out its home planet as part of the war. Whether the Wraith found out about the plant, or it was happenstance, the Ancients didn't know, but the entire planet was scorched. The Ancients could find no survivors, or any surviving specimens of the plant, after the Wraith came through."

Elizabeth shook her head. Her gaze narrowed as she once again looked at the doctor. "But you said they brought some of the plants here. Couldn't they have seeded them on the mainland?"

This time, it was Dr. Fusanaki who spoke. "They tried, Dr. Weir."

Her accented voice was quiet, and Elizabeth immediately knew the news wasn't what she'd hoped. "But?"

"Apparently, the climate of the flower's native planet was very specific. For all of their knowledge and expertise, the Ancients could not successfully seed the plant on the mainland. Nor could they even grow it in a controlled environment. According to their notes, they did not know why the plant was not surviving."

"Before the last specimen died," Dr. Samuels once again spoke, "the Ancients managed to isolate and identify the protein they had been studying…."

"That's good news," Rodney interjected. "That means we may be able to synthesize it."

Dr. Samuels sighed. "No. The Ancients tried that, but the synthesized protein proved ineffective at best… and lethal when they tested it. One of the Ancient scientists died of unforeseen complications as a result of the synthesized protein. At the point where they abandoned the research, they concluded the protein could not be synthesized."

Elizabeth shook her head and looked away, trying to quell her surging disappointment. A weapon, another means to defend themselves, once again slipped through their fingers. She looked back at Samuels. "Is there anything else?"

"Well," Samuels sighed deeply. "There is a wealth of botanical information in the database that is worth retrieving, but nothing else we can use against the Wraith, if that's what you mean."

Elizabeth nodded. "We'll make sure the information gets retrieved and brought back here for study. Thank you." She stood and turned towards the window, her gaze finding the Stargate. Eventually, the Wraith were going to come for them and, somehow, she had to find a way for her people to protect themselves. Fighting frustration, she became keenly aware that she was not alone. She turned and met gazes with Rodney. "Is there something I can do for you?"

Rodney fidgeted slightly. "Major Sheppard. Is he…?" Rodney sighed. "How is he?"

Elizabeth stared hard at the concern in Rodney's eyes for a moment, before her gaze flicked to the open office door then back to him.

Rodney took the hint. He crossed the room and pulled the door shut, before turning to face her, all signs of his normal egotistical self gone, replaced by genuine concern. "Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth walked around her desk and leaned back against its smooth surface. "The Major…" she sighed, "he's not proving to be a good patient." She shook her head. "This whole ordeal has affected him profoundly, but he refuses to see it." Frustrated, she slapped both hands on her thighs. "He's hardheaded sometimes."

Rodney nodded and settled into a chair. He crossed his arms and stared back at her, his dark eyes sharp with thought. "He's being stubborn." A cynical half smile crossed Rodney's face. "Sometimes it takes one to know one."

Despite her frustration, Elizabeth smiled slightly. "That's pretty enlightened of you, Rodney."

Rodney chuckled quietly. "I have my moments." He flashed her a small smile. "Sounds like someone unpleasant needs to step in… again."

Elizabeth's gaze narrowed. "Rodney what…?"

"You're too nice to him, Elizabeth," Rodney interrupted. "All of you are. Don't get me wrong, I know you've come down on him a few times, but not as much as you should. I on the other hand, am not patient enough to mess with this. We need him. Atlantis needs him. Everyone is walking on eggshells with him. It's high time we broke some of those eggs." Anger sparked in Rodney's eyes.

"Rodney, I don't think this is such a good idea. The last time you confronted him, you ended up in the infirmary."

Arrogance returned to Rodney's expression, mixed with a healthy dose of determination. "This time, I'll duck. This is crap and it's high time someone called him on it." He stood and headed for the door.

"Rodney…." Elizabeth stood, but he ignored her. She sighed as she watched him stalk across the control room and down the back stairs. "Great," she muttered. "I hope you're right, Rodney, for all our sakes."

----------------------------------

At the bottom of the stairs, Rodney stopped as he looked around. His gaze narrowed. Genii spies had nearly killed them today, and he was in no mood to be forgiving. Although he'd never admit it, he had been impressed at how well Ford had handled their situation and got them all home safely – but he knew Ford had wished Sheppard had been there, and, truthfully, so did he. They'd needed the Major today, and if he'd been even half cooperative, it was possible he would've been back on duty by now. He grated his teeth, the movement of his jaw reminding him of the last time he'd confronted Sheppard, but nearly getting killed today had shortened his already scarce fuse.

Part of him told him to leave it be, but he paid it no heed. He'd never restrained himself from voicing his opinion before, and he would be damned if he was going to start now. Tact really had never been his strong point: besides, there was never enough time to get done what needed to be done, without wasting time coddling oversensitive idiots.

Rodney waved at one of the security officers standing post as he walked up to him. "Major Sheppard, have you seen him?"

The SO nodded. "Yeah, he seemed pretty ticked about something, but I think he headed for the observation lounge."

"Thanks." Rodney waved absently back at the SO as he marched down the hallway, his stride determined. At the doorway, he paused for a moment, before smacking the door crystal. He strode into the near empty room, the quiet solitude and sweeping view of the city doing nothing to calm his irritation. "You're a hell of a piece of work, Major," Rodney spat as the doors closed behind him. He glared at John's broad shoulders as the Major stiffened in response to his words.

"What do you want, McKay?"

Rodney crossed the room and stood a safe distance from John. "You to drop the macho soldier routine! Check your ego at the door, Major, and admit you need help!" Rodney crossed his arms defensively.

John whirled around and stared coldly at Rodney. "You have no idea what you're talking about, Rodney. There… is… nothing… wrong… with… me!" He bit off each word before turning away.

"Oh really? We'll you'll excuse me if I stand over here then! Just in case you decide to take another swing! I kind of like my jaw in one piece!" Rodney's gaze narrowed as he watched John's shoulders sag, but the Major remained quiet. Rodney lowered his voice a notch. "We could've used you today, Major, but because of your ego, you weren't there!"

John once again turned and faced Rodney. "Well, that really wasn't my choice, now, was it?"

"So, we're all wrong and you're right! Is that what you're saying? Because I don't buy it! You know, I had an uncle who always swore his singing was on key and everyone else was sharp! Sound familiar? You witnessed the death of Cooper, the death of the Pallans, you've been through a hell of an ordeal, but you stand there and tell me nothing is wrong? Open your eyes, Major! Admit you need help and swallow your pride, just once!"

"You're one to talk about pride, McKay!" John retorted, his face flushing in anger. "When's the last time you admitted you were wrong?"

Rodney stared evenly back, refusing to be baited. "Yeah, well, I should be able to recognize it pretty well then, shouldn't I?"

John turned away and stared out the window. "You need to trust me when I tell you I'm fine!" Though low, John's voice held a dangerous tone.

"Why should we?" Rodney countered, "you've done a hell of a lot of crap since your capture, not the least of which, you executed a Wraith in cold blood and against Weir's orders! Worse, you don't seem to care one damn bit about it!" Rodney's voice rose in anger once again. "What the hell is right about that?"

John's gaze turned incredulous as he swung round and stared at Rodney. "You're upset because I killed a Wraith?"

"Not killed! Executed! There's a big difference, Major! You murdered him in cold blood and don't seem to really care what that means!" Rodney shook his hands in exasperation.

"What the hell are you ranting about?" John shot back, his face suffused with rage. "They have no reservations about killing us!"

Rodney shook his head in disbelief. "When does it stop, Major?" He refused to let John look away. "Where's the line between them and us? At least the Wraith kill us for food! You just kill them."

"It isn't the same!" Sheppard roared. "It's a matter of survival, McKay! Theirs or ours!"

"Survival of what?" Rodney's voice cracked but he rushed on. "What are you preserving, Major? Killing in cold blood makes us no better than them! We're fighting for more than just ourselves! For who we are! For what we are!" Rodney waved around at Atlantis emphatically. "What good is any of this if we sacrifice that? If we're no better than the Wraith, we don't deserve it!"

John ran a frustrated hand through his hair and stalked to the door. "I'm protecting the people of this base and all our asses! I won't apologize for it."

"Fine!"

McKay's reply stopped John in his tracks. Slowly he turned and looked at Rodney.

Rodney stared evenly back at him. "It's a slippery slope, Major. You're walking a fine line between protection and vengeance. Are you sure you haven't crossed it?" Unrelenting, Rodney held John's gaze until the major looked away. Abruptly, John turned and stalked from the observation lounge.

------------------------------------

John clenched his jaw and stalked down the hallway. He sucked in a deep breath, fighting the rolling emotions within him. His anger flowed freely. Elizabeth had deceived him… gone around behind his back, sent his team into danger, and he hadn't even known about it! Then there was McKay. Rambling on about showing empathy to the Wraith, and all but calling him a cold-blooded murderer!

All the contentment, the relaxation he'd felt from taking a trip to the mainland, dissolved. John felt betrayed, hurt… and angry as hell. A small, nagging, voice urged him to listen to Rodney's words, to try and understand why Elizabeth had done what she'd done, but the tidal wave of emotions that swept over John refused any rationale. He stormed through the Gateroom and out the west exit, his long, fast strides quickly carrying him down the hallway towards his quarters.

"Major!"

John never broke stride as he ignored the voice and continued to stalk down the corridor.

"Major?"

John glanced out of the corner of his eye as Teyla caught up with him, and matched him stride for stride. "Teyla." He pulled in a deep breath and tried to level his voice. "Beckett give you a clean bill of health?" His tone was cold, John knew it… and he could tell it was not lost on Teyla.

Her gaze narrowed as she nodded. "Yes, I am fine."

"Good," John snapped. He really didn't mean to, but right now there was no tempering his anger. Teyla had done nothing to him, but he didn't care. He was furious, and that anger knew no bounds. He quirked a cynical eyebrow at her before quickening his pace. Again, Teyla matched him stride for stride. "Is there something you want, Teyla?" he snapped in irritation.

"When I am angered, I find physical exercise helps me to feel better," she ventured quietly. "Perhaps it would work for you also, Major."

John froze in his tracks before slowly turning to face her. He eyed her suspiciously. "No talk? No trying to persuade me that something is wrong? No telling me to talk to someone about it?" He stared evenly at Teyla's penetrating gaze.

"You are not of the mind to listen to anyone right now. I will not talk to you if you do not wish it."

John pulled in a deep breath and nodded brusquely. "I'll meet you in the gym in ten." He turned away, once again heading towards his quarters.

---------------------------------

"Defend yourself," Teyla said quietly, as she lifted her sticks and circled John.

He watched her. Still in her uniform, Teyla had shed her boots and coat. Her bare feet were noiseless as she continued circling him. John twirled one stick, before raising both into a defensive position. His left hand, and calf, stung from her previous attack, and sweat tickled his brow, but, despite the physical discomfort, he had to admit he felt a little better. Some of the tension had left his body, and his anger was once again reduced to a low boil.

Teyla's attack was sudden, and John barely defended himself as one minute she was slowly circling him, and the next she was forcing him back across the gym with a furious combination of high and low blows. He winced as she once again ducked inside his defense and delivered a stinging blow to his bicep. Distracted by the blow, he felt his guard drop and once again found himself admiring the ceiling, before Teyla's face appeared over him, graced by a smug smile.

"Are you all right, Major?"

John sighed and sat up. His frown deepened. "You still kick my ass at this," he muttered, as he rubbed his bicep tenderly and slowly stood.

Teyla twirled one of her sticks expertly. "It takes years, Major, to master the sticks."

He stiffened. Unbidden and unwelcome memories flashed through his head.

…or you will watch me take all of your companion's years...

Fred's face filled John's mind. His heart raced, his breathing quickened, and he blinked hard against the unwanted images. He sucked in a deep breath, trying to control the sea of emotions that washed over him.

Hissing, the female slammed her hand into Cooper's chest….

John felt Fred's presence, his grip… his words….

"That is your fate, human! I will feed upon your strength and savor all of your years!"

Cooper's torture filled John's mind… twisted his emotions… filled him with rage….

"Major?"

Teyla took a step towards him, but John waved her away. Anger boiled in him, as his mind latched onto the source of his rage.

"I'm fine." He twirled his sticks effortlessly and assumed a fighting position. He wrestled the image of Fred in his mind and struggled to concentrate, all the while giving Teyla the best even stare he could muster.

Shrugging slightly, she assumed a defensive position and awaited his attack.

He lunged, varying his attack between several high and low blows as he drove her back across the gym. His advantage was short-lived: she was suddenly on the offensive and he found himself backtracking, struggling to stay ahead of her lightning-fast attack. He mustered a brief offensive, striking hard at her, but she easily ducked under his blow, shoved her stick under his arm and, using her weight, pulled his arm behind him. The next thing John knew, Teyla was behind him, his arm was twisted between their bodies, and her stick was across his throat.

Unbidden, John felt panic rise in him. The twisting of his arm, the pressure at his throat, once again threw John unwillingly into a nightmare of memories. Everything around him darkened, and all he could see was the Wraith ship. His throat constricted under the grasp of a Wraith guard… he felt the grip on his arm, the brutal torture of his body. A small part of him knew he wasn't on that ship, but that quiet voice of reason was utterly overwhelmed by his primal fear. Autopilot took over, as John panicked, searching for any way to escape the Wraith. Not again... they wouldn't torture him again...

"NO!" John's pleading shout echoed through the ship and startled his captor.

He felt the Wraith's grip on him falter and he took advantage of the surprise. He pushed back forcefully, his movements driven by desperation. Slipping under the arm that held his throat, he wormed his way free. This time he was armed. This time he had a means to defend himself. It wasn't a P-90, but he would make the best use of what he had. Spinning, he delivered the hardest blow he could. With satisfaction, he felt the hard impact of stick to bone beneath his blow. The Wraith staggered and John pressed his advantage, striking another blow across the back of its head. He straightened, feeling powerful… in control… strong, as he watched the Wraith fall heavily to the floor.

Abruptly, his mind cleared and John froze. He stared down at the prone and deathly still form of Teyla. His anger dissolved, his memories vanished, leaving his mind blank in their wake. He blinked hard, unable to process what had just happened.

Numb, he could only stare at her. A trail of blood worked its way down her cheek, and from where he was, he couldn't tell if she was alive. In the back of his mind, he noticed his stick slip from his deadened fingers and clatter to the floor. "God," he whispered.

Speaking snapped him from his paralysis. "Teyla!" He knelt next to her, his fingers pressing into her throat. "Teyla? Can you hear me?" He let out a pent-up breath as her pulse gently beat against his fingers, and nodded briefly to himself as he watched the slow rise and fall of her chest. Pushing himself to his feet, he ran across the gym and grabbed his radio. He shoved the receiver in his ear and quickly tapped the call button. He pulled the microphone up to his mouth as he ran back to Teyla's side. "Beckett, this is Sheppard. I have a medical emergency in the gym. Get here now!" He knelt next to her once again and found her pulse.

"Major?" Carson's concerned voice immediately responded. "What's happened?"

"I... I hit Teyla." John forced the waver from his voice. "She's down and unconscious. Now get over here, damn it!"

"I'm on my way, Major," Carson quickly responded. "Don't move her until I get there."

"Copy that," John whispered. He gently pushed a wisp of hair back from Teyla's face, willing her brown eyes to open. "Teyla?" His concerned voice was quiet. "I'm sorry."

He stared at her, unable to tear his eyes from her still form. He swallowed hard, fighting the nausea that plagued him. His mind was reeling as he tried to understand what he'd done, but he couldn't. He'd been on autopilot… swept up in raw and dangerous emotions… and completely out of control. John sat back on his heels, his hands shaking as he swallowed hard, determined not to give in to his rebelling stomach. Movement caught his eye as Carson and his medical team rushed into the gym. The doctor knelt next to John and began examining Teyla, all the while snapping off orders to his team. "I didn't move her," John whispered. He wanted to help, wanted to do something, but his body was numb, his mind was reeling, and it took everything he had not to lose his lunch.

"Major?"

Carson's voice demanded his attention. He slowly looked at the doctor, who put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Give us some room to work, all right?"

John nodded slightly and scooted away from Teyla. He felt the hard wall behind his back and settled his weight against it. A chill shot through his body, and he pulled his knees up close. He closed his eyes against the sight of Teyla being strapped to a backboard and lifted to the gurney, but he couldn't escape the image. He let his head fall forward to rest on his knees as guilt overwhelmed him.

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Elizabeth stopped in the doorway and sidestepped the gurney carrying Teyla as the medical team wheeled it past her. She made eye contact with Beckett as he paused in front of her. "Carson?"

Carson sighed. "I need to get her to the infirmary. It's too soon to tell anything." He flashed Elizabeth a grim smile before trotting down the hallway to catch up with the retreating gurney.

Elizabeth watched them for a moment, before returning her attention to the gym. Her gaze fixed on the unmoving form of Major Sheppard. She sighed as sympathy coursed through her. His head resting on his knees, and hands wrapped behind his head, his face was hidden from her, but Elizabeth didn't need to see his expression to know he was in shock. With the exception of sitting up, John's body position was almost fetal, and a distinct flavor of insecurity seemed to surround him.

Elizabeth reached up and slowly removed her radio headset, turned it off, and carefully put it in her coat pocket, before she slowly crossed the gym. Stopping in front of him, she knelt. "John?" She kept her voice quiet and gentle as she watched him for any reaction. She pursed her lips and reached out, squeezing his forearm gently. "John? It's okay." Her gaze narrowed as his head moved back and forth against his knees.

"No, Elizabeth, it's not okay." Muffled, John's voice was still thick with emotion.

Elizabeth swallowed, fighting her own pain at seeing him this way. She watched as he slowly lifted his head. It took everything she had to keep shock from her expression as he fixed red-rimmed eyes on her.

"What have I done?"

Barely above a whisper, his voice screamed with pain, remorse and guilt. Elizabeth took a deep breath, mustering as much reassurance as she could. "We'll get you through this, John. I promise." She tried to hold his gaze, but he let his head fall forward onto his knees once again.

Slowly, Elizabeth sat down next to him. She leaned back against the wall. There was nothing she could say to take away his pain, or make everything okay, so she settled for quiet reassurance instead of empty platitudes. Countless times since they had arrived in Atlantis, John had been there for her, supporting her and being her strength. She took a deep breath and rested her head against the wall. It was high time she returned the favor.

It was a long time before he moved, but finally he lifted his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. She watched him intently, but still said nothing, leaving it to him to speak first. He stared across the gym, his expression pained.

"I could've killed her," he whispered.

Elizabeth shook her head. "But you didn't." John didn't look at her, so she squeezed his arm firmly. "Hey, listen to me. Teyla's still alive." Her gaze narrowed as again he swallowed before slowly nodding.

"I don't even know if she's okay."

Elizabeth pulled her feet under herself and stood. She stared down at him. "What do you say we find out?" she ventured quietly. She watched him intently for a moment, before he finally, slowly stood. He looked at her, his gaze questioning.

"Wait… how did you know what happened?"

Elizabeth smiled grimly. "Carson called me on his way here. He filled me in."

"Oh." John slowly crossed the gym towards the door.

Watching him, Elizabeth shook her head, before following behind.

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It was a good thing walking was instinctive because, right now, John's mind couldn't process anything. Somehow his feet moved, one step following another as he slowly made his way towards the infirmary. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he heard Elizabeth's footsteps behind him, and he knew she was there with him. Everything around him was a haze… his mind foggy and too shocked to really process the events that led him to this moment. Numbness surrounded him… shielded him from the cold bite of reality. He stepped into the transporter and stopped as Elizabeth reached out and tapped the display screen gently. The tingling of the transporter breached his numbness for a moment, before the doors once again opened, and he found himself walking down the main corridor of the command tower. He rounded a gentle right-hand corner and stopped, his eyes transfixed on the infirmary doors. He glanced at Elizabeth as she stopped next to him. He continued staring at her as she returned his look with a strong, reassuring gaze of her own.

He pulled in a deep breath and slowly walked into the infirmary, Elizabeth right beside him. He looked around, freezing in his tracks as he laid eyes on Teyla, motionless, and surrounded by a medical team. He squeezed his eyes shut, his face contorting in pain. Like a knife, the sight of Teyla, still unconscious, pierced his clouded mind. Pain from the image, fueled by guilt, surged through him. She was that way because of him. He did it. He attacked her… hurt her… could've killed her. A woman… a member of his team… an innocent…. his friend….

"John?"

Elizabeth's voice was faint to John as he pulled in rapid, deep breaths, trying to control himself. He spun around, turning his back on Teyla, but the image in his head would not be deterred. "I… I can't do this."

"John…."

"No!" John's voice rose as his emotions crashed through the numbness that had surrounded him since the accident. "Elizabeth, I can't do this!" Without looking at her, he stormed from the infirmary.

His stride faltered slightly as he heard Elizabeth's voice behind him, but he dismissed her call. He couldn't go back, couldn't face the sight of Teyla again. He didn't know what to do or even where he was going, but his feet carried him down the corridor anyway. Arriving at his quarters, he smacked the control crystal and stepped through the doorway, stopping as the doors slid shut behind him.

It was dark… and it fit his mood. He drew in deep gasping breaths as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. Once again, anger surged through him, and John felt his control slipping away. It was always there, these days, his anger. Somewhere in the background, constantly at a low boil, he keenly felt its presence…. and dreaded its rise to dominance. His eyes snapped open, the epiphany of realization surging through him.

Little things... concerned doctors, McKay's annoying comments, Bates contradictory statements, all gnawed at John. He used to just let most of it go... slide right off him like water off a duck's back. But that was before. Before Fred… before his capture… before his rescue.

Everything had changed. John panted slightly as he forced his mind to relax and continue to wander. Like staring at himself in a mirror, John saw the duplicity of his emotions, the change in his persona… the effect his ordeal had on him. No matter how hard he'd tried to go on with his life, nothing had been the same after his capture, and the more he tried to put things behind him, the more they plagued him, angered him… irrationally drove him.

He'd lost men under his command before, why was this any different?

It was a thought… a fact… he'd clung to… stuck to, insisting to himself and everyone around him that this was no different. It had happened before, it could happen again. He'd grieve, feel bad and then go on. Yet, through it all, he'd never felt this way before… never acted this way before….

Never hurt someone because of it.

Images of Cooper flooded his mind, but instead of fighting them, he gave in, allowing them to play through his head. He saw the Corporal's easy smile, and his enthusiastic sense of humor. He saw Cooper's bravery, his guts, and his strength.

Cooper's torture and death flashed before him again, as it had more times than he could count since his rescue. Agonizing... brutal... torturous, Cooper's death had been vastly different. He'd slowly died over the course of two days... died right in front of John's eyes.

And John had been helpless to stop it.

"You were helpless and you… can't… stand it!"

McKay's words echoed in John's head, as his rational mind plunged through his anger and his rage and latched on to the cause.

The dawning realization swept over John as he sank heavily into a chair, his mind reeling.

----------------------

Elizabeth watched John go, only mildly surprised her call didn't stop him. Lately, none of his unusual actions surprised her. She sighed before turning and re-entering the infirmary. She hung back, standing out of the way, as Beckett completed his latest exam on Teyla. She smiled grimly at him as he looped his stethoscope over his neck and walked up to her. "How is she, Carson?"

Carson smiled slightly. "X-rays were negative and, according to the Ancient scanner, there's no sign of hemorrhage or any trauma to her brain. I'd feel better if she was awake, but I think she's going to come through this with just a concussion. She's bloody lucky." Carson's gaze narrowed slightly. "Where's Major Sheppard? I thought I saw him come in with you."

"Hmm…." Elizabeth nodded, relieved at Carson's prognosis of Teyla's condition. "On to the next problem." She sighed. "He was here, but took one look at Teyla and left." Elizabeth glanced at the injured Athosian before looking back at Beckett. "This really shook him up."

Carson nodded thoughtfully. "Aye, I'd expect it would. Maybe now he'll let someone help him?"

Elizabeth nodded slightly, her thoughts lingering on John's attitude earlier in the gym. "I hope so, Carson, for his sake."

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Kate Heightmeyer pushed back from her desk and sighed heavily. The threat of the Wraith was taking its toll on the people of Atlantis, and once again, she saw herself facing a full day of sessions tomorrow. She stood, stretched, and slowly crossed her spacious office. She stopped in front of the large panoramic windows and stared at the distant West Pier, marveling at its beauty. A wry smile popped onto her face. No matter how long she stayed here, Kate still had problems sometimes accepting they were in another galaxy, completely isolated from Earth. "Not exactly something covered in medical school," she muttered to herself. But, then again, neither were the Wraith. No one could've been prepared for facing beings who sucked the life from you. That saw you as livestock… a commodity there for the purpose of feeding them. As Kate tried to guide people through their feelings, she was continually reminded that she was venturing into uncharted waters. Through every session, she portrayed confidence, understanding and gave advice, but inside she constantly wondered if she was doing the right thing.

Turning away from the window, she slowly made her way back to her desk. As she reached for her chair, a quiet knocking at her door grabbed her attention. "Coming," she called as she crossed the room and lightly tapped the door crystal. Her eyes widened in shock as she stared at Major Sheppard, who leaned heavily on the doorframe. His clothes were disheveled and his expression was haggard, but, beyond that, he seemed resigned and tired. Nowhere was there a sign of his normal self, or of the spirit that she'd seen many times during their sessions. "John? What is it?" She stared into his eyes, searching for a reason. John stared back at her, his eyes hollow.

"I… I can't take this any more, I can't control it any more." His head dropped and his voice turned to a whisper, "I need your help."

Kate sighed, recognizing how hard his admission had been. She grabbed his arm and pulled gently. "Come in here and sit down." She smiled slightly, reassuringly as he once again looked at her. "We'll get you through this, John."