Demons

by SGAFan

When a routine mission goes horribly wrong, Major John Sheppard survives, but now must face an enemy none of his training or experience could prepare him for himself. Suddenly, John is forced to question everything he's ever stood for.

6. Book III Chapter I

Part 3 – Freedom

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me, an invincible summer.

Albert Camus

Blackness turned to gray, and gray gave way to light as John slowly opened his eyes. He blinked hard and looked around. A white, plush chair greeted his gaze, along with a standing plant in the corner nearby. His brows furrowed in confusion as he brushed his hand over the white couch under him, and the soft throw pillow that cradled his head. He pushed back a brown, wool blanket that covered him and groaned. Slowly, he lifted himself up on one elbow and rolled his head gingerly, the kinked muscles in his neck protesting loudly.

"Good morning."

John quickly looked up, winced at the stiff muscles in his neck, and stared directly into the blue eyes of Kate Heightmeyer. Confusion swept through him. "What…?"

"You fell asleep on my couch, John. I thought it best to just let you sleep there."

"Oh." John let himself collapse back down on the couch. A small part of him urged him to stand up and get out of the psychologist's hair, but the rest of him quelled that urge. He felt wrung out, exhausted and frankly, like crap. He reached up, rubbed his throbbing temples, and swallowed against his nausea. If he didn't know better, he would've sworn he'd gone ten rounds with a bottle of tequila, but then again he never got hangovers. Unless you count that one time in New Orleans….

"John? Are you okay?" Heightmeyer's concerned voice grabbed his attention.

"Nothing a hot shower and a strong cup of black coffee wouldn't cure," John muttered. "I feel like it's the morning after the night before." A hollow smile briefly touched his mouth. He glanced at the doctor.

Kate nodded in understanding and sat back in the chair across from him. "I'm not surprised. Your body can only take so much stress. After yesterday, this was bound to happen."

The small remnants of a smile that John briefly felt quickly fled from his face. Painful memories cramped his gut, and he winced slightly in response before closing his eyes against it. Images of Teyla, Beckett, Weir…. Fred, all flashed through his head. His fight, Teyla's injury, the infirmary, all blurred through his mind. Somehow he'd ended up on Heightmeyer's doorstep, although John wasn't really sure how he got there, or why he'd done it. Somehow, through it all, something in him had snapped and with it had gone his confidence, his stability and his strength. Left shattered in its wake, a voice deep within him had cried out for help… and his feet had brought him here. Words, powered by his emotions had surged forward and tumbled from his mouth….

John opened his eyes and looked over at the patient face of Heightmeyer. "I kept you up pretty late last night," he whispered, his voice laced with regret. "I'm sorry."

Kate stared back at him, her smile understanding. "Don't apologize. It was exactly what you needed, and what I'm here for." She casually rested her hand on her crossed knee and stared intently at him. "You took a very important first step to getting better, John. If I had to lose a little sleep for it, then I'm fine with that."

John tore his gaze from hers and stared blankly at the ceiling. Whispers of fear, of insecurity, of resistance flirted with him. A wave of helplessness swept through him, and he slowly shook his head in response. "I…" he sighed, "I don't know what to do from here." Insecure at exposing himself to anyone, John pursed his lips tightly. He was startled as he felt Heightmeyer's reassuring grip on his forearm. Kate's soft voice forced him to once again look at her.

"I doubt I can find you any coffee, but start with the hot shower." Her smile intensified slightly. "Then come back here, and we'll talk."

John stared at her for a moment, before nodding slowly. He pulled his arm from her grasp and slowly sat up. He pressed his palm into his forehead and groaned against the stabbing pain that greeted it. "Damn. Maybe a fist full of aspirin from Beckett…." His voice trailed off as guilt surged through him. "Teyla," he whispered.

"John? John, look at me," Kate insisted.

John slowly opened his eyes and stared at the compassion he saw in her eyes. Compassion he knew was in response to the guilt she saw in his.

"Come here first. We'll talk. Then we'll go see Teyla together, okay?"

John's mind raced, but he nodded anyway. "Elizabeth. I should…." His voice trailed off as Heightmeyer interrupted him.

"She knows. I've already talked to her. She was looking for you and called me." Kate sighed. "John, stop worrying about anyone else. I want you to focus on you, okay?"

John nodded. "Okay." Part of him wanted to think about everyone else… and not about himself, but he resisted. He blinked as he tried to come to grips with what had happened to him, especially in the last 24 hours, but the harder his mind tried to process it, the more it baffled him. Resigning himself to the numb shock, he slowly stood. He should think about things, work them out, work through this, but all the fight was gone from him. He stared down at his wrinkled clothes, and swallowed against the dry stickiness in his mouth. He winced. "I'll be back."

Kate smiled. "I'll be here."

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John tilted his head back, allowing the hot water to cascade through his hair, and run down his tense back. He pulled in a deep breath of humid air through his nose, allowing it to escape through his mouth as the rapid beating of water against his head and back, slowly eased the tension from his muscles. He stretched his arms over his head, before running his hands through his hair, as his mind wandered. His guilt returned as his thoughts lingered on Teyla, in the infirmary, unconscious and injured because of him… because of what he'd done. He turned around and plunged his face into the streams of water. He wanted so much to know she was okay, to see her, but part of him resisted. His guilt turned to anger. Part of him was afraid to go. What the hell are you afraid of? he chastised himself. He pulled his face out of the water and shook his head violently. He wiped the water from his eyes and again ran his hands through his hair. He switched off the water and stepped out of the shower, automatically snagging a nearby towel. Rubbing his face vigorously, he quickly dried himself, wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out of the shower room, his barefoot steps almost noiseless.

He stopped in his tracks as his gaze fixed on his gym bag, resting casually on a chair in the corner. Protruding innocently from the top of the bag, the handles of his fighting sticks refused to relinquish his attention. Relatively new, the sticks had been a gift from Teyla. Vividly, he remembered the day….

John turned, looking over his shoulder as Teyla strolled into the gym. "You're late." He smiled playfully.

Teyla smiled back and arched an eyebrow at him. "I am sorry. There was something I needed to do first." Shrugging her pack off her shoulder, she pulled out a set of fighting sticks John had never seen before.

"Those are new," he commented. "What's the occasion?"

Teyla's smile broadened as she let her bag slip to the floor. Holding the sticks flat in the palms of both her hands she crossed the gym and held them out to him.

He stared at the sticks for a moment, before he arched an eyebrow at her. "What?"

Her smile was warm and respectful. "These are for you, Major. If you are to embrace the fighting skills of my people, then you must have your own set. May they serve you well."

He stared at her for a moment, before he felt gratitude warm his features. "Thank you." He reached out and slowly took the sticks from her hands.

Teyla's smile mirrored his as she nodded once. "You are welcome, Major."

Twirling the sticks casually, his expression turned playful. "Gonna make a warrior out of me yet?"

She had turned away from him, but his words captured her attention again. She slowly faced him. "I cannot make you something that you already are, Major."

His aimless twirling of the sticks halted as John stared intently at her for a moment. A small smile turned up one side of his mouth. He nodded slightly.

Teyla returned his gaze for a moment before her expression turned mischievous. "But I can make you a better one."

Coming back to the present, John's answering laugh echoed in his head. He sighed deeply. More than just a member of his team, Teyla was his friend, his companion in more than one life-or-death situation. He owed it to her to be there, to be with her while she recovered… even if he was the reason she was injured in the first place.

He tore his gaze from the fighting sticks and quickly dressed. He laced his boots and stood, his eyes settling on his holstered 9mm hanging over the back of his desk chair. His gaze narrowed. Elizabeth had relieved him of duty, but that didn't mean he wasn't still a soldier. Damn it, he shook his head slightly, I gotta have something normal in my life. He grabbed the gun and quickly secured it around his waist and buckled the thigh straps. Reaching over to his desk, He grabbed his radio and donned his headset. I've been out of the loop too long. Not any more. Part of him wondered if Elizabeth would notice… or if she would object.

As he exited his quarters, he paused. He looked left, towards the direction of the infirmary, then right towards the distant office of Heightmeyer. Indecision gripped him.

He stood, rooted in the hallway, the internal struggle leaving him motionless. Part of him was impatient, wanting to bypass the psychologist's office and head straight to the infirmary. But, a quiet voice of reason whispered to him, urged him to listen to the doctor… and to give her a chance to help. He sighed, a cynical half smile flashing across his face. After turning away from it the last month, he keenly felt the effect of that voice of reason. It was a sparkle of normalcy and he latched onto it. Inhaling deeply, he turned right and walked briskly down the hallway.

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Elizabeth's steps were determined as she made her way down the long corridors of Atlantis to the infirmary. The familiar hallwats turned this way and that, but she navigated them easily. The familiarity was a blessing, for although her destination was the infirmary, her mind was definitely elsewhere.

So much had happened in the last 24 hours, it was a struggle for Elizabeth to process it all. The mainland outpost, Teyla's injuries….

Her step faltered for a moment, as Elizabeth's thoughts turned to John. She quirked an eyebrow and resumed her trek to the infirmary. Lately, she wondered how her thoughts ever left the troubled Major. The last time she'd seen him, he'd stormed from the infirmary. Guilt and pain had been the emotions she'd seen in him before he'd disappeared. After a few hours and no sign of him, nor any response to her radio calls, her concern had redoubled. She'd contacted anyone she could think of who might have seen him….

Pacing the length of the Deck, Elizabeth once again tapped her headset. "Dr. Heightmeyer, this is Dr. Weir." Reaching the eastern railing, she turned and once again crossed the length of the Deck.

"This is Heightmeyer."

Elizabeth paused, her eyes narrowing at the hushed and distracted tone of Heightmeyer's voice. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but I need to know if you've seen Major Sheppard?" The long silence on the radio sparked Weir's impatience. "Doctor?"

"He's here," Heightmeyer slowly responded.

Elizabeth closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "Thank God," she whispered. The hesitation and solemn tone of Heightmeyer's voice finally sank in. "Is he all right?" She could've sworn she heard Heightmeyer sigh.

"As well as he could be, yes. Up until about 10 minutes ago, we were talking. He's sleeping now. I'm going to just let him sleep himself out on my couch."

Hope glimmered in Elizabeth. "Talking? Then he…?" Her voice trailed off, but Heightmeyer picked up on her thought.

"Admitted he needed help? Yes. It was a very difficult admission for him to make, Dr. Weir, but he managed to make it. It's going to be tough, but I think I can help him now."

Elizabeth sighed loudly, relief washing through her. "Thank you, Doctor, keep me posted. Weir out."

"I will. Heightmeyer out."

Elizabeth rounded the final corner to the infirmary, her thoughts coming back to the present. Relief had stuck with her since that conversation, but thinly veiled concern still followed her. In the months she'd known John Sheppard, she'd seen a formidable strength within him, yet she wasn't sure even he was strong enough to bounce back. Everything that had happened… that he had put himself through, that he'd endured, could've easily broken him… and it scared her to think that it still could. At least he's getting help. She clung to that thought and pushed the others away.

Crossing the threshold to the infirmary, she paused, her eyebrow creeping up in surprise. Standing not far from Teyla's bed, Rodney hadn't noticed Elizabeth's arrival.

She crossed the room and came up behind him. "Rodney?"

Startled, Rodney turned. "Elizabeth. Oh, uh, Hi."

She smiled slightly at him before looking over at Teyla's motionless form. Movement from the other side of the infirmary grabbed her attention and she glanced up at Carson, smiling as the doctor approached them. "Carson. How is she?" She felt relief at his relaxed smile.

"Sleeping. She woke up a few hours ago."

Elizabeth's eyes widened. "She did? And you didn't call me?"

"Aye, she did," Carson's expression took on a tolerant air. "You're right, I didn't call you."

Elizabeth sighed. "Carson, she's a member of my senior staff, I would've appreciated a call…."

"At four in the morning?" Carson interrupted her. "It's been a busy few days, Elizabeth. You needed your sleep, and this could wait." His tolerant look abruptly turned to a challenging one.

Elizabeth's gaze narrowed in mock seriousness. "Who's in charge here?"

Carson returned the look. "When it comes to the health of the expedition team, you included, I am." He gave her a disarming smile, complete with dimples.

Elizabeth shook her head, her gaze drifting from Telya to the other patient in Carson's care. "What about Kelin?"

Carson shook his head. "That one? He's as strong as an ox, and has a head to match it. He's going to be just fine."

"Dr. Beckett?" Carolyn Lansing came up behind Carson and extended a data pad in his direction.

Carson smiled at Elizabeth and Rodney. "Excuse me."

Elizabeth smiled and nodded, before she looked at Rodney expectantly, her smile turning smug as he stared evenly back at her.

"What?"

"I'm surprised to see you here, Rodney." Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, well, I thought I'd just stop by…" Rodney's voice trailed off at Elizabeth's upraised hand.

"You don't have to explain anything." Her gaze turned knowing as she held his look for a long moment.

The opening infirmary doors grabbed the attention of both of them. Elizabeth felt her smile fade away as her gaze fixed on John Sheppard.

Dr. Heightmeyer not far behind him, John's steps were unsure. Just through the doorway he stopped, and Elizabeth got a good look at him.

Her lips tightened together as she took in his appearance. Black circles lined his hollow eyes, devoid of any of the spark she'd come to know so well. His expression was unfamiliar to her, and it took Elizabeth a long moment to realize it was hesitation and uncertainty that dominated his look… two emotions she'd never seen on the confident Major's face. Slowly, he made eye contact with her, and Elizabeth immediately pushed her mouth into a small smile. She crossed the infirmary to him. "John," her voice was quiet and reassuring, "good to see you."

John quirked an eyebrow slightly and swallowed. "Yeah," he whispered. He pulled in a deep breath, stepped around Elizabeth, and walked up to Teyla's bed.

Elizabeth, Heightmeyer and Rodney followed him, but it was Elizabeth that stood next to him. She glanced at his stoic expression as he silently stared down at the Athosian woman. "She's going to be okay, John," Elizabeth reassured him quietly. His face remained impassive, his gaze fixed on Teyla. A small twitch in his cheek was the only indication he'd heard her.

"Carson said as much," Rodney added. "She's sleeping."

Surprise broke the impassiveness of John's gaze as Teyla stirred slightly before opening her eyes. She blinked once and pulled in a deep breath. "I was sleeping, Dr. McKay."

Rodney's embarrassed expression was lost to Teyla as she slowly turned her head and looked straight into John's eyes.

Elizabeth studied Teyla's features for a moment, before nodding slightly to herself. There was no sign of malice, distrust or anger in Teyla's expression, only understanding, recognition and friendship.

A faint smile crossed Teyla's face as she nodded slightly at John. "Major."

John inhaled deeply, his pursed lips twitching over a clenched jaw. He seemed at a loss for words as he just stared back at her.

Elizabeth felt Heightmeyer's hand brush her arm, and glanced at the doctor.

Heightmeyer nodded towards the doorway, clearly wishing to give John and Teyla a few moments alone.

Elizabeth nodded once, and gestured slightly at Rodney, although she could've waved both arms over her head and John still would have never seen her. His gaze was transfixed on Teyla, and he noticed nothing else. Elizabeth took one last look at John's stoic expression before she left his side, Heightmeyer and Rodney right behind her.

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He just stared down at her. Emotions surged over him, but they left no words behind. His mind raced, but came up empty. He could've killed her. There were no words that could apologize for that.

"Major."

Teyla's quiet voice broke through the roaring in his ears. He felt his brows furrow, his gaze narrow, but still no words came to him.

"It is all right, Major."

Teyla's voice was reassuring, but John would have nothing to do with it. He slowly shook his head, and found his voice. "No, Teyla, it's not," he whispered.

"Major," Teyla insisted quietly, "accidents can happen, you know that."

"No." John shook his head slowly. He closed his eyes for a moment against the memory, before opening them and staring guiltily down at her. "It wasn't an accident."

Teyla's gaze narrowed slightly. "What do you mean?"

He noisily sucked in a deep breath. "I… lost control." He winced at the difficult admission but plunged forward with his explanation anyway. "Something you said… I heard, it made me think of the Wraith ship… of being interrogated… hit…." His voice trailed off as he closed his eyes against the memories. For a long moment, he struggled against the sea of emotions that tried to overwhelm him, before slowly opening his eyes and once again looking at Teyla.

Her expression was thoughtful, but understanding. John saw no malice, no anger in her eyes, and he felt some confidence return to him. "I…" John's brows knitted. Hesitantly, he reached out and gently took her hand, ready to pull away at the first sign of discomfort from her. It was a level of personal contact he'd never allowed before. Teyla was a member of his team, and there were lines of protocol he refused to cross. But, at this moment, John wanted… needed for her to know the depth of his sincerity.

Teyla arched an eyebrow at his gesture, but her expression remained warm.

John squeezed her hand firmly, but gently. "I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, Teyla. Ever." He felt another surge of reassurance as a smile slowly formed on her face and her grip tightened within his.

"I have never thought otherwise, Major." She glanced past him at the small group of people clustered by the doorway, doing their best not to watch. Her smile turned slightly amused, before it faded and she once again made eye contact with the Major. "Dr. Heightmeyer is here, I see. Have you talked to her?"

John let go of Teyla's hand and rubbed the back of his neck self consciously, a sheepish expression touching his features. "Uh, yeah. For most of last night." He looked up at the ceiling and fidgeted slightly.

"Ah."

Teyla's voice demanded John's attention, and he once again looked at her, trying to keep the apologetic look from his face. Her understanding expression deepened, and he knew he'd failed.

"I think," Teyla continued, "that is a good thing, Major." She smiled slightly at him.

His gaze narrowed as he felt respect replace apology on his face. One corner of his mouth turned up in a slight smile. "Yeah," he admitted quietly, "maybe it is."

Abruptly, his hand reached up, embracing his headset as Peter Grodin's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Unscheduled off-world activation! Dr. Weir to the control room."

John spun, fixing Eilzabeth with an intense look. She stared at him in confusion for a moment before he saw realization dawn on her. Hesitation sprang to her face and John intensified his stare. He was through being left out of the loop. This time, it wasn't anger that drove him, but concern. His expression must've shown that… at least to Heightmeyer. The psychologist caught Elizabeth's arm and nodded slightly when Elizabeth turned towards her.

Elizabeth looked back at John. "Coming, Major?"

John glanced back at Teyla for a moment, before crossing the infirmary to Elizabeth. "Right behind you."

Elizabeth nodded once and exited the infirmary, John and Rodney following behind her.

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Taking the stairs two at a time, John quickly strode into the command center and made a beeline for the balcony. He stared down at the Stargate, his gaze narrowing at the active shield and the wormhole that shimmered quietly behind it. "Defense team to the Gateroom!" he barked into his radio. He turned around and came up behind Rodney, glancing down at the doctor's laptop. "No one's off world?" He pursed his lips at Rodney's shaking head. "Well, who the hell is that?"

"No clue," Rodney replied.

"Keep the shield up," Elizabeth ordered.

John flashed her a concerned look as she stopped next to him. Once again, he stared at the gate, waiting for the familiar flashes of intruders meeting the Atlantean shield, but they never came. "What the hell is going on?" John's brows furrowed as he once again looked at Rodney.

Never pulling his eyes from his laptop, Rodney again shook his head. "I have no idea. No one has tried to come through, no energy readings, no… nothing."

"Then what…" John's voice trailed off and his hand unconsciously grabbed his headset as static and odd clicking sounds unexpectedly sounded on his radio. He glanced at Elizabeth, whose reaction was the same.

She stared back at him. "Who…?"

John tapped the call button on his radio. "This is Major Sheppard. Identify yourself."

Once again, the radio crackled at him, but this time, it was more than just static.

"Help…us…."

"Who is this?" John demanded, but his question was only met with more static. He shook his head his gaze narrowing as he stared at the gate. Abruptly, he felt a chill shoot through his body as the cold bite of realization dawned on him. He spun. "Elizabeth, there's only one person outside of Atlantis that has our address and a radio."

Elizabeth stared at him for a moment, before her eyes widened in shock. "Malfan?" she whispered. "The Pallans?"

John nodded once, brusquely, before whirling around to face Rodney. "Be ready to lower the shield when I tell you to." He turned towards the stairs, but Elizabeth's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Wait! For all we know, the Wraith could be standing over this man's shoulder and waiting for us to lower the shield!"

John spun and stared incredulously at her. "And what if it's just survivors that need our help? We can't just stand by and do nothing!" He pointed at the assembled defense team that had surrounded the gate. "That's our security. If it's the Wraith, we'll deal with that. If it's not…." John's gaze narrowed. "We have to help them." He stared intently at her, willing Elizabeth to agree with him. They… he couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

Silently, Elizabeth pursed her lips, before nodding once.

John faced Rodney. "Wait until I get down there then lower the shield." Reaching down, he loosened the narrow strap that secured his 9 mil in its holster as he trotted towards the stairs leading to the Gateroom. Adrenaline surged through him as he took the steps two at a time. What if he was wrong? What if the Wraith had found the radio and the address, and this was a trap? John pushed away the questions as one single thought stuck with him. What if it wasn't?

At the bottom of the staircase, he stopped. Setting one leg behind himself for balance, he drew his side arm and aimed it directly at the gate. He pulled one hand away from the gun and gestured briefly at the command deck. A moment later, the shield disengaged. He reached up and tapped the call button on his radio. "This is Major Sheppard. It's safe to come through the gate." He brought his free hand back to cup the bottom of his gun, and waited.

Abruptly a figure emerged through the wormhole, followed by several others. Pulling in a deep breath, John holstered his gun and trotted towards the emerging Pallan survivors. He heard Weir call for a medical team, as relief washed through him. John stopped in his tracks as a familiar man emerged from the small group. "Korban?"

The Pallan healer staggered slightly, and in two quick steps, John was next to him, and offering a supporting hand. "Easy," he reassured.

Korban nodded and steadied himself. "I am… all right."

John looked down as Korban pressed something into his hand. John's gaze narrowed at the radio as pain gripped him. Unwanted images of the destroyed Pallan village… Brianor… her child plagued him.

"Malfan gave that to me… before he went to find Brianor," Korban said quietly. The Pallan man looked back at the wormhole his face full of fear. "Wraith… chasing us…."

At the mention of Wraith, John abruptly pushed away his dark memories and buried them under the intensity of the moment. "Stay sharp!" John snapped loudly at the security detail as he handed support of Korban off to one of Beckett's medics, who were rushing into the Gate room from the west entrance and converging on the Pallan survivors. "Get these people away from the gate as soon as they come through! We may have some uninvited guests!"

John slipped the radio into his pants pocket before he once again pulled his 9 mil and held it firmly at his side. He made eye contact with Stackhouse and gestured towards the right side of the gate. Stackhouse waved two men with him and took a defensive posture adjacent to the gate.

John's attention was drawn again to the gate as a Pallan woman raced through. He ran towards her, his grip tightening on his sidearm as a stun bolt arched through the wormhole and slammed into her back.

Barely more than ten feet from the gate, the woman screamed and crumpled to the ground.

John skidded to a stop and instantly knelt next to the woman, his gun trained on the open Stargate. His gaze narrowed dangerously as two Wraith guards emerged from the wormhole.

Growling loudly, the Wraith immediately fired stunners at anyone within range.

A near-miss stun blast tingled against John's skin as he opened fire on the nearest Wraith, his bullets joined by a swarm of fire from the surrounding security detail. "Raise the shield!" he shouted.

It was over in an instant as the two Wraith slumped to the ground, pierced by more bullets than even they could survive. John pointed his gun at the shielded Stargate, staring intently as four more flashes bounced off the shield before the wormhole disengaged.

John lowered his gun, his chest heaving from surging adrenaline. Bending over the unconscious woman, he pressed his fingers into her carotid artery, nodding slightly as her strong pulse beat steadily against his fingers. He stood and backed away as two medics descended on the unconscious woman. He looked sideways at Stackhouse, who ran up to him.

"Sir? You okay?" Stackhouse's breathing was equally as rapid.

John nodded as he holstered his gun. He gestured at the Wraith. "Fine, Sergeant. Make sure they're dead, then take the bodies to the morgue."

"Yes, sir." Stackhouse nodded once before sharply turning away and issuing orders.

John swung back to the group, watching as the Pallan people milled around, many staring about them in wonder. As he scanned the group, something familiar caught his eye. His gaze narrowed as he stared at a small figure, nearly hidden among the other survivors. He swallowed hard, his rational side unable to deny the hope that sprang to life within him. "Pertus?" His voice held a note of urgency as he walked towards the group. He stopped in his tracks as, one moment, he was looking at an indistinguishable group of people and, the next, Pertus was staring back at him. Relief… happiness… joy… all swept through John, as he swallowed hard, before smiling.

Slowly, he knelt as the boy ran across the distance between them and threw his arms around his neck. He felt himself rock back on his bent leg as the force of Pertus' embrace assaulted his balance. Shocked at first, he wasn't sure what to do, but as the boy's quiet sobs ruffled his hair and echoed in his ears, clarity came to him. Slowly, he reached up and wrapped his arms around the small boy's back, pulling him into a tight embrace. He could feel the trembling and sobs that coursed through Pertus' body, and he tightened his hold. "It's okay, Pertus, you're safe." Soft footsteps caught his attention and John looked up into the understanding eyes of Korban.

"His parents were taken." Korban's soft voice was filled with sorrow. "He has no family left."

John closed his eyes and nodded as he squeezed the boy tightly.

Korban turned away, allowing himself to be guided by a medic.

"Major!"

John looked up as Elizabeth and Rodney trotted towards him. As he held tight to Pertus, John made eye contact with Elizabeth. "His parents are gone." John's voice was barely above a whisper, but by her reaction, he knew she heard him.

Elizabeth's eyes left John's and settled on the back of Pertus' head. "Oh, God," she whispered.

"Damn."

John's eyes followed the path of the second voice and fixed on Rodney. Surprise glimmered through the empathy in John as he stared at Rodney's expression. Never one for tolerance with kids, Rodney's expression held a level of sympathy, mixed with sorrow, that John had never seen in the doctor before.

Abruptly, Rodney's eyes left Pertus and met John's.

For a moment, John saw Rodney for who he was, saw what he felt, before the well-practiced arrogant mask… Rodney's barrier, fell over his expression.

"Yes, well, I need to…" Rodney fidgeted and waved a hand aimlessly across the Gateroom, "go." He hastily turned and made a beeline for the main stairs.

John's attention turned back to Elizabeth, who slowly knelt opposite him. She placed one hand on Pertus' back and rubbed it gently. She looked at John. "What are we going to do with…?" Her voice trailed off as he shook his head.

"I don't know," John whispered.

After a few minutes, the boy's sobs quieted, but his grip on John never wavered. John ran a hand over the back of Pertus' head and continued to hold him. Abruptly, Pertus' embrace broke, as the boy sagged against him. His grip on the boy turned from reassuring to supporting as Pertus went limp. Alarmed, he shifted the boy into his arms.

"Pertus?" Elizabeth grabbed the boy's wrist and, after a short moment, nodded. "He has a pulse."

John scanned Pertus' body, nodding in relief at the rise and fall of his chest. "He's breathing."

Elizabeth looked up, scanning the crowd of people before her eyes settled on the person she was looking for. "Carson!"

The doctor trotted over to them, knelt and pressed his fingers into Pertus' neck.

"He just collapsed," John quietly supplied, his worried gaze never leaving Pertus' unconscious face.

"Aye," Carson replied. "He has a good, strong pulse." Carson took a moment to give both John and Elizabeth reassuring looks. "My guess is exhaustion, but lets get him to the infirmary anyway." He looked around. "I'll find a gurney…."

"I got him," John answered. He shifted Pertus in his one arm and slipped the other under the boy's knees. Slowly, he stood.

"Major?"

John flashed a quick, half smile at Elizabeth. "It's okay, I got him." He had started towards the exit when Elizabeth's hand on his arm stopped him. He looked at her.

"Keep me posted," she said quietly.

John nodded. "Right." Holding the small boy close, he headed for the nearest exit, Carson right behind him.

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Halfway to the infirmary, John felt Pertus stir in his arms. He glanced down, giving the boy a reassuring smile, before returning his attention to the crowded hallway.

"Major Sheppard?"

Pertus' voice was shaking, and it was a difficult exercise in control for John not to let pity into his expression. He pulled on as much reassurance as he could find and again smiled at the Pallan boy. "It's okay, Pertus. You're safe here. You're going to be fine, all right?"

Pertus nodded slightly before his grip tightened on John's neck. "The Wraith took my parents," he whispered into John's chest.

John inhaled deeply and tightened his hold on the boy as the infirmary came into view. "I know." John glanced over his shoulder at Carson, who shook his head in sympathy at the boy's words.

As they entered the infirmary, Carson motioned John towards one of the beds. The doctor pulled back the blanket. "Put him here, Major. We'll give him a complete check up and make sure he's okay."

John nodded and gently laid Pertus on the bed, before pulling the blanket over the slightly trembling boy. He turned to go, only to be stopped by Pertus' hand on his wrist.

"You're leaving?" Pertus' eyes widened in uncertainty.

John grabbed Pertus' hand. "You're safe here, Pertus. Dr. Beckett is going to make sure you're okay." John's brows furrowed as the boy shook his head slowly.

"Please… do not leave me…." Fearful tears filled Pertus's eyes as he stared imploringly at John.

John glanced at Carson, who raised both eyebrows at him and nodded slightly. John sighed and nodded back, before he reached behind him and snagged a stool. Pulling it up next to Pertus' bed, he slowly sat down. "I'm not going anywhere, Pertus." He tried to let go of Pertus' hand, but the boy's grip tightened, refusing to relinquish his hold.

Even while Carson examined the boy, and after he pronounced him exhausted but fine, Pertus never slackened his grip of John's hand. And John, suddenly contented, never tried to get away from the boy.

Before long, John found himself alone with Pertus, who was vainly fighting his exhaustion. More than once, the boy's eyes would close, only to spring open a moment later.

John smiled tolerantly. "It's okay, Pertus. Go to sleep, you're safe here." Keenly aware of the small hand gripping his, John thought for a moment. His expression turned reassuring. "I won't leave," he added.

Again, Pertus' eyelids drooped, before they snapped open once more. "Pr… promise?" he mumbled around a yawn.

"Promise."

John watched the boy's breathing turn deep and regular as Pertus finally surrendered to a deep sleep.

Gently pulling his hand from Pertus', John leaned back against a nearby column and put his feet up on the edge of the boy's bed. Shifting his weight, he felt the forgotten radio in his pants pocket dig into his thigh. Slowly, he pulled it out and stared blankly at it. Turning the radio over in his hands, his mind raced through painful memories of the destroyed world… the murdered people… Brianor and her child. He closed his eyes as his imagination took over. Korban had said Malfan had given the radio to him before returning to the village to search for his daughter and grandson, knowing full well that, with the radio, most of the Pallans had a chance to reach the gate, contact Atlantis… to get help.

John shook his head slowly. He'd told them he'd be there if they ever needed help, yet he hadn't been. He opened his eyes and set the radio on a nearby instrument table.

He crossed his arms over his chest as he stared down at the sleeping boy, his thoughts turning to Pertus' plight. Even in sleep, pain was etched on Pertus' face; a pain John could recognize instantly… he'd seen the same lines on his own face only that morning. Cynically, he shook his head. His own life was a mess right now, without having a frightened boy latch onto him. "Why me?" he muttered quietly.

"Because he trusts you, Major."

Startled, John turned his head towards a nearby bed, and looked directly into the wise expression of an older Athosian man. A thick bandage circled the man's head, but his eyes were bright and alert.

The man smiled and turned a sympathetic gaze towards the sleeping boy. "He has lost everything he knows. His family, his world. He needs something familiar, something to hold onto… something safe," the man's knowing gaze returned to John, "and he has picked you for that role, Major."

John's gaze narrowed. "Do I know you?"

The man smiled wider and shook his head. "I imagine not. When I heard Dr. Beckett call you Major, I assumed you were the Major Sheppard that Teyla has told me about." He touched his mouth briefly before sweeping his hand outward in greeting. "Kelin." Palm facing upward, he extended his arm towards John.

John pulled his feet off the bed and rolled his stool over to Kelin's bed. He grasped Kelin's forearm in greeting, as Teyla had shown him. "Major John Sheppard. But you already knew that." John's gaze narrowed as he sifted through his memories. "The Athosian hunter that was injured near the Ancient Outpost?"

Kelin nodded once. "Yes. Were it not for Teyla and your people, I certainly would have died."

Darkness crossed John's expression. He'd been excluded from that… left behind, not allowed to do anything... ."Just glad we could help." His voice was tinged with cynicism, and he noticed it wasn't lost on Kelin. John changed the subject. "How did you know about Pertus?"

Kelin smiled wisely. "Carolyn Lansing told me while Dr. Beckett was examining the boy."

John's gaze drifted back to Pertus. He shook his head and sighed. "Poor kid," he muttered.

"Yes," Kelin agreed. "He will need your help, Major, in the days to come."

John dropped his head, his thoughtful expression turning insecure as he unconsciously pursed his lips. He inhaled deeply and tried to appear confident next to a near stranger. "Yeah." His agreement was indifferent at best, and John could feel Kelin's penetrating gaze.

"You do not like children?" Kelin ventured.

"Me?" John's eyes widened in surprise. "No, I like kids. …I mean I'm not around them all the time, but when I am I like them… usually…." John sighed, his expression turning bemused as he arched an eyebrow at Kelin, before smiling. "I'm really not a babbling idiot."

Kelin laughed out loud and shook his head. "I believe you, Major, for Teyla would not have suffered you so well otherwise."

John grinned in response. "True."

Kelin's smile faded as his expression once more turned thoughtful. "Then what is it, Major? What about the boy brings you unease?"

John's smile disappeared. Uncomfortable with the Athosian's insightful gaze, he quickly looked away. His thoughts raced, but he hardly knew Kelin, and every word was squelched, ironically, by strength… the need to put on a strong face and stand as an unwavering leader. His gaze latched onto Pertus and he endured the long silence that followed Kelin's question.

After a long minute, Kelin's sigh broke the silence. "I am sorry, Major. It is not my place to pry into your affairs."

John swallowed hard and glanced at Kelin. While the older man's words had been acquiescent, his gaze was not. Perception burned in the brown depths of his eyes as he stared back hard at John. In many ways, Kelin reminded John of Malfan, and that realization stabbed him in the gut. He looked away. "It's okay." The hollow statement wasn't lost on Kelin, who nodded silently.

John chanced a glance at Kelin, who had settled back in his bed.

"Strength comes in many forms, Major. Strength of character, of self, and of friends, to name a few. True strength is to recognize and use all of them."

The sudden need for space smothered any words John had. He silently rolled his stool away from Kelin's bed and back to Pertus, never once looking back at Kelin's intuitive gaze.

-----------------------------

"Dr Weir?"

Elizabeth looked up from her desk and smiled at Carson and Kate Heightmeyer, who stood in her doorway. "Doctors, please, come in." She set down her data pad and leaned back in her chair, her smile ready for both of them. "How are the Pallan survivors?"

Carson sighed and smiled slightly. "For the most part good. Lots of minor injuries, exhaustion, some mild dehydration, but nothing serious. Most can be released now, with the rest being able to leave the infirmary in a day or so." His smile faded. "They can't exactly go back to Palla though. From what I've pieced together from different refugees, their world is pretty much destroyed. It'll be at least a season, probably two, before they could even consider returning and rebuilding."

Elizabeth sighed, before a slight smile turned up one side of her mouth. "I thought as much, so I talked with Halling. The Pallans are welcome to live with the Athosians on the mainland. After seeing some of the crops we traded for, Halling is very interested in learning some of their farming methods, and I'm sure there are things the Pallans can learn from the Athosians. It should work well for both of them. Halling believes Teyla will agree, but I'll confirm that with her once she's released from your care, Carson."

Carson nodded. "Aye. That should be soon. She's doing very well. And I can't see why she'd disagree with your idea. She and her father had a long history with the Pallans. Besides, they're farmers. The mainland is perfect."

"That's exactly what most of them need," Heightmeyer agreed. "The sooner they can return to some sort of normal life, the better." She sighed. "My only concern is the boy."

Elizabeth's gaze narrowed. "Pertus?"

"Yes," Heightmeyer answered. "He's very fragile, emotionally, right now. He saw his home destroyed and his parents taken by the Wraith right before his eyes."

"Hard enough for an adult to handle," Carson added. "Kids are resilient with trauma like this, but…." His voice trailed off.

"He needs some stability." Heightmeyer's expression turned thoughtful. "And that might not be so bad…." Her worsd tailed off as, preoccupied, she sat back in her chair.

Elizabeth watched the psychologist for a moment before speaking. "Doctor?"

Heightmeyer stood, pushed both hands into her pants' pockets, and slowly paced the office. "Like the other Pallans, Pertus needs to get back to what he knows as a normal life as quickly as possible, but he also needs some stability. He needs someone near him he can trust, and the knowledge that they're there for him." Heightmeyer stopped and faced Elizabeth. "He seems to have chosen Major Sheppard for that role."

"Aye," Carson agreed. "And in a day and a half, the Major has barely left the infirmary. Pertus made him promise he'd be there, and the Major has lived up to it."

Elizabeth sat back in her chair, her mind racing. "Just what are you two suggesting?"

Heightmeyer slowly walked back to her chair and sat down. She leaned forward and rested her arms on her knees as she stared intently at Elizabeth. "Before I did my work in couples therapy, I spent a lot of time counseling firefighters and paramedics who suffered through tragic events on the job. Some of the things they witnessed…" Heightmeyer's voice trailed off as she shook her head slightly.

Elizabeth nodded. "I read your file. You spent some time in New York after 9-11."

Heightmeyer nodded. "Yes, but most of my experience was a few years before that. What we found, in many cases, was the very nature of their jobs, and the closeness they felt to them, hindered their recovery."

Confused, Elizabeth glanced at Carson's intrigued expression before looking back to Heightmeyer. "I'm not sure I'm following you."

"They didn't have an outlet," Heightmeyer continued. "The very nature of the Major's job is stressful. Normally, he can handle that without too much trouble. He's proved that. But throw in his ordeal on the Wraith ship, which was, to say the least, traumatic and not normal, and his psyche is having a hard time managing that on top of the stress his position already gives him."

Elizabeth shook her head. "I relieved him from duty, though."

"Aye, but he was still here." Carson replied.

Heighmeyer nodded. "Carson is right. Even off duty, Major Sheppard is still here. Still on Atlantis, still, in many ways, in the loop, no matter how hard we try to take him out of it. The very fact that we were trying to protect him, shield him from what was going on, probably exacerbated his condition. He made his frustration and anger very plain to me in more than one session." She paused and stared intently at Elizabeth. "Major Sheppard needs time away from Atlantis. He needs to be completely removed from everything about Atlantis for a while."

"He needs a vacation," Carson added quietly.

Heightmeyer arched her brows. "Essentially, yes. He needs an outlet for his frustration, his anger and everything that is affecting him. He needs to work through it, and he can't when he's constantly reminded of his job at every turn. He needs to stop being Major Sheppard and just be John Sheppard for a while."

Elizabeth silently stood up and walked over to her bookcase, her mind racing. She carefully picked up one of her remaining Athosian vases and traced a finger over the deep blue surface. Her thoughts drifted back to the day John had smashed its counterpart… to the day he'd pulled a gun on her… to the day he'd almost killed Teyla. She set down the vase and faced Heightmeyer. "Do you think everything that's happened, that he's done, is related to this?"

"You mean the incident with Teyla?" Heightmeyer asked.

"And others, yes," Elizabeth nodded.

"Definitely." Heightmeyer's reply was confident. "He has no outlet, no way to get away. Sooner or later, he was going to take that out on someone. He had to. Teyla just happened to be that person. It could've been anyone, for any reason."

Elizabeth pursed her lips in worry. She glanced at Carson before looking back at Heightmeyer. "And you think this is the best thing for him?"

"I do." Heightmeyer sighed. "I'm not willing to relinquish him as a patient, but I don't think I can help him as long as he's here." She pointed down at the floor in emphasis. "If he goes, I want to make regular visits to the mainland to talk to him. But I'll want to check in with some of the Pallans, like Pertus, anyway."

"I'm not sure I like turning him loose on the mainland right now." Elizabeth shook her head in concern.

"We could ask the Athosians to keep an eye on him," Carson suggested quietly. "Kelin will be ready to be released by the time the Pallans are organized and ready to go to the Mainland. He's a levelheaded, sensible man, whom Teyla respects deeply. That's good enough for me. Maybe he would be willing to help keep an eye on the Major?"

Elizabeth sighed as she once again looked at Heightmeyer. "Are you sure he's the best thing for Pertus right now?"

Heightmeyer rubbed the bridge of her nose. "No, I'm not. But, we don't really have a say here. It would be far worse for Pertus for us to remove the stabilizing factor from his life, and that stabilizing factor, right now, is Major Sheppard." Heightmeyer smiled slightly. "Maybe Pertus is just the distraction the Major needs. Something for him to focus on besides Atlantis and being Major Sheppard."

Elizabeth stared at the imploring expressions of both Carson and Heightmeyer. "I'd be lying if I told you I felt good about this course of action. It seems to me that what John needs most is the support of the people that care about him."

Heightmeyer nodded slowly. "It's not an easy decision to make, Dr. Weir, but neither is a family's decision to place a loved one in drug rehab. Or to face an alcoholic with intervention. Sometimes the best thing for the ones we care about isn't the easiest." She fixed Elizabeth with an intuitive gaze. "Nor is it the easiest decision for our own interests."

A retort died on Elizabeth's lips as Heightmeyer's words sunk in. John's strength was an anchor for Elizabeth's leadership; it had been ever since they'd arrived in Pegasus. Somehow the thought of sending him away, even for a short time, left her feeling insecure. John might not have been that beacon of strength ever since his ordeal, but just the thought that he was there, on Atlantis, held its own level of comfort for her. Heightmeyer's words were a dose of reality that Elizabeth was loath to accept, but her strength of character would not let her do otherwise.

She turned the problem over and over in her head, before finally resigning herself to the doctor's advice. Elizabeth had once mused that she wasn't sure she was the one to help John, and now it seemed that her wayward thought was right.

Elizabeth gave a knowing gaze first to Heightmeyer, then to Carson, both of whom wordlessly returned the expression. Elizabeth nodded once. "I want to tell him."

"Of course," Heightmeyer agreed. "Just lay it out for him. He may not completely understand right now, but eventually he will."

Elizabeth nodded. "Carson? When you release Teyla, will you tell her I would like to talk to her?"

Carson smiled. "Aye. I'll probably let her go later today."

Elizabeth nodded silently as both doctors left her office. She walked around her desk and stared at the Stargate. Torn, she felt like she was abandoning John just when he needed her the most. Guilt swarmed through her, but Heightmeyer's words stifled it. Sometimes, doing the best thing for the ones you care about isn't always the easiest.

-----------------------

Slowly standing, John stretched hard and shook his stiff legs, before he walked across the infirmary, his eyes locked on the small cart that once served as a makeshift coffee bar. He sighed. It had been a couple months since they ran out of coffee, and while the strong Athosian tea Teyla had introduced the team to was robust, he still missed straight, black coffee. Some times the lack of coffee was worse than others, and after barely leaving Pertus' side in the last 24 hours, today was definitely one of them.

He poured himself a cup of hot Athosian tea and turned around. Leaning against a nearby column, he stared across the infirmary at the sleeping boy. He sighed. Why was he doing this anyway? Grimacing, he shook his head, as thoughts of the last two months raced through him. Unconsciously, his gaze drifted to Teyla's bed, and his brows lifted in surprise.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, fully clothed, Teyla was nodding, apparently at Carson's quiet instructions. As Carson walked away, Teyla met gazes with John, smiled and inclined her head slightly.

His fingers still wrapped around his hot mug of tea, John crossed the infirmary and smiled at her. "Carson released you?"

Teyla nodded. "Yes, I am to remain off duty for a few more days, but Dr. Beckett sees no reason why he cannot release me, as long as I do not exert myself."

John felt a wave of relief surge through him as his smile widened slightly. "That's great." His smile faded as his gaze settled on the small line of stitches that closely followed her hairline. He looked away, abruptly avoiding her sensitive gaze.

"Major, you must let go of what has happened."

His head still turned slightly away, John's eyes still found hers for a moment. He sighed. "Teyla, I…."

"Major," Teyla interrupted, "do not give it any further thought."

Unconvinced, John nodded once. One corner of his mouth turned up in a halfhearted smile. "Take it easy, Teyla, that's an order." He turned away.

"Major?"

Stopped by Teyla's words, he turned back, his brows arching slightly. "Yeah?"

She slid off her bed and walked over to him. "There is one thing you can do for me."

John nodded. "Name it." Uncertainty grew within him as she held onto the silence between them for a long moment.

Her expression sober, she locked gazes with him. "Allow those around you to help you, Major."

John unconsciously stepped back… away from her knowing request. Words escaped him as he nodded once, curtly. He turned away, his quick steps taking him back to Pertus' side. He heard Teyla leave the infirmary, but never once did he look back at her.

---------------------------------

"Dr. Weir?"

Elizabeth paused in the long hallway, and turned towards the voice that hailed her. She smiled, watching as Teyla wove through people and came up next to her. "Teyla. It's good to see you up and around."

Teyla returned the smile and nodded once. "Thank you. I am feeling much stronger. Dr. Beckett thinks I will be able to return to duty in a few days."

Elizabeth nodded. "That's good to hear." She started down the hallway towards the command deck, Teyla falling in next to her.

"Dr. Beckett said you wished to speak to me?" Teyla questioned.

Glancing sideways at her walking companion, Elizabeth nodded slightly. "Yes. I spoke with Halling today about the Pallans. From what we can piece together, and from what you saw on Palla, it seems their world is pretty much destroyed. They can't really go back there, so I asked Halling what he thought about them joining your people on the mainland." She glanced at Teyla, who nodded thoughtfully. "So," Elizabeth went on, "Halling thought your people could learn some farming techniques from the Pallans, and liked the idea, but wanted me to talk to you first."

Teyla smiled. "I believe it is an excellent idea. The Pallans are good people, hard workers and excellent farmers. Both our peoples will benefit from the relationship."

Elizabeth smiled, sighing lightly. "Good." Her expression turned pensive as she looked away from Teyla. Prolonging the silence between them, Elizabeth continued walking, keenly aware that Teyla was still with her. Her thoughts passed over John and his recovery. Guilt fleeted through her again as she pondered Heightmeyer's suggestion.

"Dr. Weir?" Teyla questioned after a long silent minute. "Was there something else you need from me?"

Elizabeth stopped, faced Teyla, and smiled slightly. "You know Kelin well."

Teyla arched an eyebrow. "Yes. I have known him since I was a girl." Teyla's observant gaze narrowed. "He is a good man."

Elizabeth nodded, her own thoughts stealing her voice. After a moment, she looked back at Teyla, meeting her questioning gaze with a reassuring smile. "I'm sorry. I'm being very cryptic, aren't I?"

Teyla smiled. "Is there something you need of Kelin, Dr. Weir?"

Elizabeth's eyes darted around the busy hallway before fixing on a set of large, double doors. "Come on," she smiled at Teyla. "I have a favor to ask, but not here." She crossed to the doors and stepped through them as they parted before her. Walking out onto the spacious, outdoor balcony, she crossed to the railing and stopped, taking a moment to let the soft ocean breeze caress her face. She turned and again smiled at Teyla.

Teyla returned the expression. "What is it you need, Dr. Weir?"

Elizabeth's smile faded as she looked out over the ocean. "Help with Major Sheppard," she replied quietly. "Drs Beckett and Heightmeyer came by my office this morning." She glanced sideways as Teyla silently stepped forward and also rested her hands on the railing.

Her expression thoughtful, Teyla nodded slowly. "I have given much thought to the Major lately. He is strong and proud… perhaps too proud. He has a hard time recognizing he needs help, or asking for it, even if he admits it."

Despite the situation, Elizabeth smiled. "Rodney say's he's stubborn."

To this, Teyla arched her eyebrows. "I do not believe that is the only reason, Dr. Weir, although Major Sheppard can be very… tenacious." Teyla leaned on her forearms and stared out over the ocean. "Lieutenant Ford has told me much about the Major's military history. It is… colorful to say the least."

Elizabeth chuckled slightly. "He's an unorthodox officer for sure, and it's got him into trouble more than once."

"Yes," Teyla nodded. "The Major is used to doing things on his own, handling things on his own, and not asking for help. It is… unfamiliar to him to need someone's help, especially with something so personal. In what I have seen, he is also a very private person, Dr. Weir. For all of his outgoing friendliness, he holds his privacy very dearly. We cannot expect him to come out and ask for help, but must guide him to see that he needs it."

Elizabeth's expression turned first thoughtful then filled with respect at Teyla's observant take on Major Sheppard. She thought about all the times she'd asked… almost begged John to get help, only to watch him instantly put up a defensive wall against her suggestion. "You're right," she agreed quietly.

Teyla smiled. "I assume this has something to do with your interest in Kelin?"

Elizabeth chuckled quietly before her smile faded. "Yes. Dr. Heightmeyer believes that the best thing for the Pallans right now is to get back into a sense of a normal life as soon as they can. Including Pertus." She looked away, hesitation filling her. "But, Pertus has latched onto Major Sheppard, and, right now, we're hesitant to break that bond. Besides a sense of normal life, Pertus needs a stable figure in his life, someone he feels safe and secure with." Shaking her head slightly, she continued. "He seems to have chosen Major Sheppard for that."

Teyla nodded. "I see." She slowly looked over at Elizabeth and their eyes met. "You wish to send Major Sheppard to the mainland with Pertus?"

"Only temporarily," Elizabeth quickly answered. "Dr. Heightmeyer thinks that John needs to get completely away from Atlantis and his position here, in order to sort his life out and work through his own problems." She swallowed against her apprehension, as Teyla's gaze deepened, her dark eyes searching. Elizabeth looked away.

"You do not agree."

Teyla's words were confident, not questioning, but Elizabeth shook her head anyway. "No, I do. John needs to get away from here, at least for a little while."

"Ah, I see."

Elizabeth turned and faced Teyla. "See what?" She cocked her head slightly.

Teyla stared evenly back at her. She was silent for a moment as she carefully chose her words. "We are both leaders of our people, Dr. Weir. The burden of leadership is often times a lonely weight to bear." Teyla's gaze returned to the ocean. "We cannot always do it alone." She sighed deeply. "Even people such as you and I need the support of those around us, at least sometimes." Her gaze never left the distant horizon. "Sending Major Sheppard to the mainland cannot be easy for you."

Elizabeth pursed her lips and glanced at Teyla. Her instant reaction was to deny Teyla's statement, but she paused. As a strong leader of her people, Teyla represented a kinship that Elizabeth had never realized… until now. That realization opened doors and crossed barriers she had long held onto. She sighed. "I never realized how much I relied on his support… until it wasn't there anymore." She shook her head at the irony. "And here I thought I was a strong leader."

Teyla slowly turned her head and stared at her. "A tree is stronger for the ground that supports it." She smiled at Elizabeth's questioning look. "It is something that my father told me." A hint of sadness crossed Teyla's expression, but she continued. "Major Sheppard is his own person, and he does not always agree with you, but he supports you, Dr. Weir, and you are stronger for it." Teyla inhaled deeply. "I believe it is natural for you to be… reluctant to give up that support."

Elizabeth tore her eyes from Teyla and turned away, blinking hard. She slowly walked across the balcony as her mind raced, trying to process everything Teyla had said. She was loath to give up his strength… his support, but Elizabeth also realized that, at this moment, he had neither to spare for her. And, beyond being his friend, Elizabeth suddenly felt she owed it to him. For everything he'd done for her, she owed him the chance, for once, to do what was best for him.

She sighed loudly and turned back to face Teyla, who was once again staring out at the ocean. She slowly walked back to stand next to her,. A wry, half smile pulled at one corner of Elizabeth's mouth. "Who's your support, Teyla?"

A small smile graced Teyla's face. "There are a few, but mostly Charin. She is as a grandmother to me." Teyla's smile widened slightly. "I have a feeling Major Sheppard will meet her soon enough."

Elizabeth nodded. "Carson mentioned her. 'Charming', I believe he called her." Elizabeth was quiet a moment, before she continued, her soft voice resigned. "I hope we're doing the right thing."

Teyla's smile was reassuring as she glanced at Elizabeth. "I believe that you are." Teyla again fixed her gaze on the ocean. "Long have my people lived as nomads, Dr. Weir. Our ancestors built great cities and explored the stars with the Ancients. But for all their technology, their lives were much more complicated than ours are now." Teyla pulled in a deep breath. "For all of its wonders, life on Atlantis is difficult, especially for one in a position of leadership, such as yourself… or Major Sheppard. Even I, as the leader of my people, feel the stresses of life here. Fighting the Wraith, struggling to understand the Ancestors… trying to do what is best for my people." Teyla dropped her head. "There are times, Dr. Weir, when I long for the simple ways of my people. My warm tent, my friends around me, the feel of fresh-tilled earth under my hands, the thrill of the hunt." Teyla smiled and glanced at Weir. "Even just a few days with my people refreshes me. Helps me see the simple joys of life… helps me find myself." Her smiled faded, replaced by a look of genuine sincerity. "I believe that Major Sheppard has lost who he is and, as long as he is here, on Atlantis, involved in his complicated and stressful life of being in command, he will never find himself."

Stunned, at Teyla's admission and her intuition, Elizabeth could only nod slightly. She leaned on her forearms, laced her fingers together and dropped her head, her thoughts racing. "I thought relieving him of duty would've helped that."

Teyla nodded thoughtfully. "Whether or not Major Sheppard is acting as a leader, he is one. It is not something he can stop doing. It is part of who Major Sheppard is, and, while it is a large part of him, it is not everything. He has not lost the Major part of himself, he has lost John."

Elizabeth sighed deeply, Heightmeyer's words echoing within her.

He needs to stop being Major Sheppard, and just be John Sheppard for a while...

Teyla must have seen the apprehension in Elizabeth's face, for all of a sudden, Elizabeth felt a warm grip on her forearm.

"Once he finds himself, Dr. Weir, he can be who we know he is again. But he cannot find himself here." The touch was brief, as Teyla backed a step away from Elizabeth. She smiled and held the silence for a moment, before continuing, "I will speak with Kelin. I am sure he would be willing to help monitor Major Sheppard. Kelin is… wise. The Major will not feel as though he is being… I believe the word is babysat?"

Elizabeth smiled and inhaled deeply. "Yes, that's the term. I doubt John would be agreeable if he thought we were mothering him."

Teyla smiled. "Yes, I agree." Her smile turned reflective. "Perhaps Kelin can help the Major. As I said, he is very wise." Teyla looked away. "When my father was taken, Kelin fostered me for a while. He was very… influential on me. Perhaps he can help the Major in the same way…" Teyla's voice trailed off as her gaze unfocused in thoughtfulness.

"Part of your strength?" Elizabeth asked quietly.

Teyla stared uncomprehending at Elizabeth for a moment before she nodded. "Yes, Kelin is."

Elizabeth suppressed a smile as an almost cunning look suddenly stole over Teyla's expression.

The Athosian woman pushed away from the railing. "I must speak with Kelin. Do not worry, Dr. Weir, we will watch out for the Major."

Elizabeth smiled and nodded once. "Thank you, Teyla." She let her gaze follow the vast ocean into the horizon as Teyla's footsteps retreated away.

"Dr. Weir?"

Elizabeth turned, Teyla's distant voice grabbing her attention. At the doorway, Teyla had stopped and was looking at her. "Yes?" Even from a distance, Elizabeth could see Teyla nod once.

"You have made the right choice."

More sure of herself, Elizabeth nodded silently and watched Teyla disappear through the doorway.

She once again let her gaze wander over the ocean. From deep within her, she pulled on a well of strength as she steeled herself to live with her decision… to accept what was best for John, and to allow him the chance to heal himself. Her gaze narrowed, strength flowing through her as she pushed away from the railing. Silently, Elizabeth returned inside Atlantis.

---------------------------

John looked up, hatefully glaring at Fred. "Leave him alone!" His gaze switched to the female, who hissed and slammed her palm into Cooper's chest. "NO!" John shouted. Panic gripped him as suddenly, in Cooper's place, Brianor appeared.

"John! Help me! Please!" Brianor's voice was filled with terror and pain.

"NO! Brianor!" John pulled vainly against the Wraith guard who held fast to him.

"John…," Brianor's voice trailed off as her eyes slid shut.

"Brianor!" John closed his eyes against the image and averted his head.

"John, help."

John's eyes snapped open as a deep familiar voice pled to him. He looked up, eyes widening. Where Brianor had been a moment before, his father now knelt. "Dad?" John watched as Fred circled Marcus Sheppard and stood in front of the kneeling man. Quicker than John could react, Fred grabbed his father and fed upon him.

"NO! Dad!" John's voice cracked in horror.

"John! Help!"

Never had John ever heard panic in his father's voice… until now. "Dad!"

"John!"

"Dad… Father!"

"Father!"

John's eyes snapped open, his feet flying off the edge of Pertus' bed as he bolted out of his chair. Disoriented, he blinked hard and looked around as he struggled to pull his mind back to reality.

"Father!"

John's gaze turned to the bed, and a weakly thrashing Pertus.

"Pertus?" John bent over the sleeping boy's bed. "Pertus, wake up."

"Father… Father NO!" Pertus' thrashing grew more intense, and John grabbed the boy's shoulders and shook him gently but insistently.

"Pertus! Wake up! Pertus!" John raised his voice slightly.

Abruptly, Pertus' eyes flew open. "Father!" he shouted. Confused, he looked around before staring straight into John's eyes.

His hands never leaving Pertus' shoulders, John lowered his voice. "Take it easy, it's okay."

Pertus hands flew out from under the blanket and grabbed John's shirt.

Surprised, John steadied himself as the boy pulled himself out of the bed and latched onto John, his small arms wrapping tightly around John's back. John gently returned the embrace.

"I saw them," Pertus' voice was muffled. "The light that took father and mother. It passed over them, and they disappeared."

Compassion softened John's expression. Discomfort weaseled its way into his thoughts, as his mind fumbled over what to do. In the end, he settled for returning the boy's embrace, and that seemed to suit Pertus just fine. "You're safe now, Pertus," John reassured. "No one is going to hurt you here." John glanced up as Carson suddenly appeared from behind the privacy shield, his expression anxious.

"Is everything okay?" Carson's gaze flicked from John to Pertus.

John nodded. "Pertus had a nightmare." John's own nightmare haunted him, but he pushed it away. He looked back down at the boy and forced a reassuring smile.

"Okay." Carson's response was reserved. "Let me know if ye need anything."

Once again, John glanced at Carson. "Thanks Doc." He smiled at the boy. "It's okay, Pertus, go back to sleep."

Fear began to flee from Pertus' eyes as drowsiness once again set in. "Do not leave me?" he questioned quietly.

John smiled. "Not a chance. Go to sleep, Pertus." He slowly lowered the boy back onto the bed and watched as Pertus' eyelids grew heavy, before finally shutting and staying closed.

For a long while, John stood there, watching the boy sleep. His own nightmare plagued him and he felt a kinship with Pertus because of it. He came to realize that he knew Pertus' pain, knew what the memories did to him, and knew what the young boy was feeling. Setting Pertus' hand gently on the bed, John backed away, but his feet didn't take him far. Grabbing the stool, John eased into it, his eyes never leaving Pertus' sleeping face.

---------------------------------

Teyla stopped in the doorway of the infirmary, her gaze unconsciously settling on the sleeping form of Pertus. Her eyes narrowed slightly at the absence of Major Sheppard, before she again stared at the sleeping boy. Sorrow gripped her heart for a moment, and she closed her eyes against it. She felt the pain she knew was in Pertus. Akin to him in many ways, she knew the sorrow of losing family to the Wraith. In her lifetime, she had seen, first her mother, then later her father taken. She keenly knew the difficult road ahead for Pertus and, deep inside her, her hatred for the Wraith intensified. Though well masked by careful and long practiced discipline, her spite for the Wraith still burned hotly. John and his people might feel hatred for the Wraith, but Teyla knew it could never be at the level she and the peoples of the Pegasus Galaxy had. To lose friends, teammates, acquaintances, was hard, but to lose family and loved ones over and over for centuries created a level of hate, anger and frustration she knew the expedition team had yet to reach. Silently, she prayed they never would.

Her thoughts lingered on John and she hesitated to include him in that category. Unlike the others, his experiences had brought the Major to a more intense loathing than any of the others. His recent problems dealing with it were a testament to that. Her thoughts coming full circle to the reason she was there in the first place, Teyla turned her attention back to the task at hand. Pushing away her dark feelings, she walked across the large room, smiling slightly at Carson as he noticed her approach.

"Teyla, love, how are you feeling?" his eyes scanned the stitches at her hairline.

Teyla nodded. "I am fine, thank you, Dr Beckett." She looked around. "I am surprised that Major Sheppard is not here. Where is he?"

"Ah, that one," Carson shook his head. "I sent him away for a shower and a hot meal." His brows quirked. "Threw him out of my infirmary is more like it. He didn't want to leave Pertus alone." His expression turned thoughtful. "At first, he was pretty uncomfortable with the boy, but lately?" Carson shrugged. He inhaled deeply. "What can I do for ye, lass?"

Teyla was inwardly pleased with her timing. Now she would not have to find a way to speak with Kelin without the Major hearing. "I have come to see Kelin. How is he?"

Carson shook his head, his expression admiring. "That one? His constitution and his recovery are amazing. He'll be ready to be released before too long."

Relief touched Teyla's face. "That is good to hear. Thank you, Dr Beckett." She nodded respectfully.

"My pleasure, love." Carson's grin widened, revealing his dimples.

Teyla turned, making her way to Kelin's bed. She passed Pertus and hesitated. She watched the sleeping boy for a moment, before continuing on. Smiling, she nodded at the Athosian elder. "Kelin."

Kelin's warm expression was genuine as he gestured to a low chair next to his bed. "Teyla. It warms my heart to see you well after your ordeal."

She sat down, a smile still lingering on her face. "And you, Kelin. We were very worried for a while."

Kelin arched an eyebrow, his look turning thoughtful. "It was not my time, yet."

Teyla inhaled deeply and nodded. She looked away, hesitation coming over her. She was not surprised when Kelin questioned her, for she never expected her hesitation to go unnoticed by him.

"Teyla? What troubles you?" Kelin asked gently.

Teyla sighed. "I… I must ask you a favor, Kelin, but it is a large one." She looked up, arching an eyebrow at Kelin's expression, which turned slightly amused.

"Teyla Emmagan, for you, no favor is too great." Kelin smiled fondly.

She found strength in Kelin's demeanor. "Have you met Major Sheppard yet?"

Kelin's gaze narrowed and turned reflective. "Yes. I can see why you respect him, but…" Kelin's voice trailed off.

Her brows furrowed. "Kelin?"

Kelin shook his head slightly. "He is greatly troubled."

"Yes," Teyla nodded, "he is. That is why I am here."

Kelin's eyes narrowed in a fatherly fashion. "Speak plainly, Teyla," he chastised lightly.

She blushed slightly before nodding. "Very well. I am sure you have noticed that Pertus has grown rather attached to Major Sheppard." At Kelin's affirmative nod, she went on, "Pertus is to go to the mainland with the other Pallans, and Dr. Heightmeyer not only wishes for Major Sheppard to continue to be there for Pertus, but she believes that it also could benefit the Major greatly." She paused for a moment, before continuing. "I am inclined to agree."

"I see." Kelin's nod was thoughtful. "And you wish for me to watch out for him, without him really knowing it?"

Teyla smiled warmly. "Yes, but there is more."

"More?" Kelin arched his brows at her.

She gently took Kelin's hand. "When my father was taken, I was… lost. Your guidance, your… wisdom, helped me find my path, Kelin. I would ask that you try to do the same for Major Sheppard." She couldn't make eye contact with him. Her request was great, and well she knew it.

"Teyla."

She heard his voice, felt his hand tighten in hers, but still she could not look at him.

"Teyla Emmagan, look at me."

Slowly looking up, she was relieved to see understanding, not offense, in Kelin's eyes.

"Major Sheppard must mean a great deal to you, to ask such a thing," Kelin observed.

She smiled in return. "It is not as you think, Kelin." She looked away, searching for the right words. "From the first time we met, the Major treated me as an equal, and with respect. He is a good man, and I would see him as himself again. I believe our people, our way of life… you… can help him."

Kelin patted her knuckles reassuringly. "I have only met him once, but I see in him what you say. He is an honorable man… and he is deeply troubled."

Relieved, she could only nod. She looked up at Kelin as his voice took on hard note.

"I will warn you, Teyla, I can only help him if he wishes to be helped," he stated plainly.

"I know this," Teyla responded, "but he will not ask for it." She arched an eyebrow as Kelin's gaze softened into a smile.

"Teyla. Just because he cannot ask does not mean he does not want to be helped." Wisdom gleamed in Kelin's eyes. "I can tell the difference."

Gratitude warmed her heart as she nodded slightly. "Thank you, Kelin."

Kelin's smile turned wry. "Do not thank me yet, I have not helped him. But, you are welcome." He sighed. "Has anyone informed the Major of this?"

"No," Teyla shook her head. "Dr. Weir is going to do so. I fear he has reached the point where he does not care."

Kelin arched an eyebrow. "Then we have a long, hard road ahead of us." He shifted slightly in his bed, before pulling his hand from hers and crossing his arms on his lap. "It would be best if I knew the whole story and how Major Sheppard has come to be as he is now."

She nodded. "I will tell you what I know, but no one knows everything. The Major has been somewhat reluctant to tell anyone all that happened to him."

Kelin's expression was unsurprised. "From what you have told me, I would not expect otherwise." He waved a hand at her. "Tell me what you know."

----------------------------

Somehow, Elizabeth found herself back in her office, although her feet must've found the path themselves, for her mind was clearly elsewhere. She stopped in front of her desk and picked up her laptop pad, scanning her calendar. As with practically all the other hours of her day, this hour was booked solid. I really should meet with these appointments… She sighed and shook her head. She was procrastinating over her conversation with John, and she knew it. Bolstered by her conversation with Teyla, she held tightly to her strength as she tapped her radio earpiece and made quick work of contacting her afternoon appointments to postpone them. Touching a few buttons on the screen, Elizabeth quickly cleared her calendar, before gently setting the pad on her desk. Sighing, she again activated her radio.

"Major Sheppard, this is Dr. Weir." Her gaze unconsciously fixed on the chair that sat empty in front of her. John's chair… A knot formed in her gut as she leaned back against her desk, waiting for his reply.

"This is Sheppard."

"Major, can you come up to my office, please?" She pursed her lips at the long pause that followed her request.

"Can it wait? I'm headed back to the infirmary."

She shook her head. "No, John, it's important." Another pause, and the knot in her stomach intensified.

"I'm on my way."

Pushing herself away from the desk, Elizabeth slowly walked around its end and stood in front of her chair for a moment. The knots in her stomach turned to nervous butterflies and she took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself. Not since the Balkan peace treaty she'd negotiated several years ago had she felt so nervous. Had the situation not been so serious, she would've chuckled at it. For all her diplomacy, all her experience dealing with begrudging diplomats and warring countries, one conversation with one Air Force Major set her gut into nervous knots. Sitting slowly, she folded her hands on her desk and waited.

---------------------------------

Quickly taking the steps up to the command deck, John's mind lingered on Pertus. Alone, frightened… John shook his head. All he wanted was to be there for the boy, but that single-minded emotion confused him. His own head was a mess right now… a realization that was only just starting to make any sense to him. How could he do anything… be anything to the boy right now? Yet John had seen the pain in Pertus' eyes, the longing… the fear, and through all the death he'd experienced, John felt an overwhelming urge to help the boy, however he could.

His mind stuck on Pertus, John barely noticed the resigned expression on Elizabeth's face. "You, uh, wanted to talk to me?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Have a seat, John."

"Okay," John entered the room and eased into a chair. Resting his elbows on the armrests, he laced his fingers together and stared evenly at her. "What's going on?"

Her smile was strained. "How's Pertus?"

John arched his brows, his forehead wrinkling in response. "With what he's been through, okay, I guess." He sighed. "Look, I should be back down there with him, so, whatever it is you need to talk to me about, lets talk about it." When she broke gazes with him, his eyes flicked to her folded hands, where he saw her knuckles whiten under her grip, apparently in response to his words. "Elizabeth?" He prompted, a note of worry working into his voice.

She pulled in a deep breath and looked up at him, her expression resolute. "Halling and the Athosians have agreed to the Pallans living on the mainland with them."

John nodded slowly. "That's good…." He let his voice trail off.

"As soon as they all have a clean bill of health, we're going to ferry them over to the Athosian settlement. That should be in the next day or so."

"I'll organize pilots." John leaned forward and started to stand, but his actions were halted by her raised hand.

"There's more, John."

He slowly settled back into his chair and sighed. "What is it you need to tell me that you don't want to tell me?"

Elizabeth pursed her lips. "Dr. Heightmeyer thinks Pertus should join his people on the mainland also."

His eyes widened, but his voice was quiet and resolute. "No."

Elizabeth shook her head once. "John…."

"He needs to be here with me," he interrupted.

"Yes. He does need to be with you." Elizabeth replied, her voice as muted as his.

Confused, he stared hard at her, his distracted mind trying to process what she was saying. He swallowed as realization struck. "I… I can't. I… have responsibilities here…" Suddenly feeling fatigued, he rubbed his brow. "I can't just leave."

"John, look at me."

Elizabeth's quiet voice held a strength he felt compelled to listen to. Lowering his hand, he met her gaze.

"John, you need time away from Atlantis. Heightmeyer sees it, Carson sees it, and even Teyla does. You need to sort things out, and you can't do that with your job, your rank… your incredible responsibility staring at you." She sighed. "Right now, Pertus needs you more than Atlantis does… and you need to get away from here."

He blinked and looked away. Atlantis, his job… the Wraith, it all sapped him… made him tired. But, deep inside, he keenly felt his strong sense of responsibility. "The Wraith…. Elizabeth, if there's some kind of crisis…."

"You're only 25 minutes away by Jumper, and easily reachable by radio," she interrupted. "I promise, if anything happens, we'll come get you."

He shook his head absently. "Elizabeth, I don't…" he swallowed, "I don't know if I'm… capable of being what Pertus needs right now." The admission was hard, but as he looked back at her, and saw the understanding in her eyes, he realized nothing he said surprised her. Her small smile reassured him.

"I think you're more capable than you realize, John. Just be there for him, be a constant in his life. He needs to go to the mainland with his people… and you need to go with him."

Still unsure, he watched as she stood, rounded her desk and leaned against it. She reached down, and gently grabbed one of his hands from its place on the chair's armrest. He looked up at her, mildly surprised at the personal contact. His gaze switched to her hand. Although his hand dwarfed hers, her squeeze was nonetheless firm.

"Take the time, John. Take all the time you need, but find yourself again. Find the John Sheppard we all know is in there. Help Pertus, focus on yourself, and let Atlantis take care of herself for a while."

He couldn't pull his gaze from her hand until, after a long moment, she broke the grip and leaned quietly against her desk, her hands folded lightly in her lap as she watched him intently.

He looked away from her, his gaze leaving her office and passing over the command center, the Gateroom… the Stargate. Fatigue plagued him as his sense of responsibility waned. Suddenly, he had no urge to do what he ought to: his job… his duty. He looked around and felt everything about Atlantis stifling him. He'd fought everything from dangerous Ancient technology to life-sucking Wraith from the moment he'd stepped through the Stargate, and he was tired of fighting it. The only glimmer of light that seemed to penetrate the fog of weariness in him was Pertus, although why, John had no clue. "I need to get away," he muttered quietly, his voice resigned. He looked up at Elizabeth, briefly noting the small hint of hesitation and fear that sparked in her eyes, before she buried it under a well-used, strong and reassuring expression.

"Yes, you do."

He swallowed. "The first of the Pallans leave for the mainland tomorrow?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes."

He leaned forward and slowly stood. He stared at her. "Pertus and I will be with them." Taking Elizabeth's silent nod as a cue, he turned and slowly walked from her office

----------------------------

Only a day later, he stood in the doorway of his quarters for a moment, looking around at the dark, modest décor. He blinked hard, fatigue haunting him. He shook his head at the irony. With how tired he felt these days, he was surprised good and constant sleep was something that eluded him. Even though Carson had provided him a bed in the infirmary so he could be close to Pertus, John made scant use of it.

He shifted the duffle on his shoulder and stepped out the doorway. A pang of disbelief sent a shot of pain through him. Even standing there, duffle on his shoulder, and ready to leave, part of him still couldn't accept the reality of his situation. Leaving Atlantis was something he'd never considered, and now faced with it, part of him still couldn't accept it. Tiredness called to him again. He just couldn't deal with it… a realization that was hard in coming, but stuck to him nonetheless.

Reaching out, he slapped the door crystal, watching as the doors slid shut. Turning, he strode down the hallway towards the Jumper Bay.

--------------------------

Elizabeth watched as the Jumper slowly ascended out of the bay. She swallowed hard against a lump in her throat, and the uncertainty that flooded her. She glanced at Rodney's neutral gaze.

"You did the right thing, Elizabeth," Rodney reaffirmed quietly.

She sighed. "I hope so, Rodney, for his sake."

----------------------------

John stood, light dust swirling around his feet, as he watched the Jumper slowly ascend and turn away from him. He felt numb, all the anger and hurt strangely silent within him. As the Jumper grew smaller on the horizon, he sighed, picked up his duffel and slung it over his shoulder. He looked down, arching an eyebrow at Pertus. "Well, here we are."

Pertus looked around, his expression taking on a note of sadness. "It reminds me of home," he said quietly.

John squeezed the boy's shoulder. "It should. It's your home now, Pertus. You're going to be happy here."

Pertus looked up at Sheppard and nodded, despite the uncertainty in his expression.

Fixing his gaze on the horizon, John found the barely visible Jumper and watched as it finally disappeared from his sight.

"Major?"

John looked to his left, and directly into the patient expression on Kelin's face.

"They are not far from you, Major, and you are always close in their hearts." Kelin's voice was quiet, as his gaze never wavered from John's.

"Yeah." John's unconvinced voice matched his mood as he turned and started across the field to the Athosian settlement, Pertus silently falling in next to him. John never took his gaze from the distant tents but, after a moment, he heard Kelin walking next to him, and felt his strong presence.

"I have arranged for a tent for you and Pertus," Kelin said quietly. "Halling agreed we should be sure you and the boy had a place to stay."

John nodded slowly. "That's good." No other words came to him as he focused on moving through the calf-high grass.

"Halling was happy to do so, Major," Kelin continued. "You have done much for our people. This gesture is small compared to that."

John's uncertain, glum mood lifted slightly. "I still appreciate it. Thanks Kelin."

Kelin's smile held a hint of tease. "We would not leave you out in the cold, my friend."

John chuckled slightly. "Well, that's good!" Abruptly, he sighed. "Kelin, I'll go nuts here inside a week unless I have something to do. Any ideas?"

Kelin's smile broadened. "How interesting you should ask, Major." Shifting the homespun bag on his shoulder, Kelin continued,. "I was going to ask you if you would assist me with the young people, and their instruction on becoming hunters and adults."

John arched his brow. "Kelin, if I can't kill it with a P-90 or a 9 mil, I don't know how to hunt it. I doubt I'd be any help to you."

Kelin chuckled. "Nonsense. You are a level-headed, capable man, Major, with much guidance to offer adolescents."

Still unconvinced, John shook his head as they continued walking. "Right now, I don't think I'm really right for mentoring." He stumbled slightly, surprised, as Kelin's strong grip on his arm forced him to stop. He met Kelin's intense gaze with a questioning one of his own.

"You underestimate your worth, Major. You have much to offer, and perhaps the children can give something back to you, if you only open your eyes and accept it." Kelin held John's gaze, and his arm, for another moment, before letting go and once again walking towards the tents.

John watched Kelin's retreating back for a minute before glancing down and flashing Pertus a reassuring smile. "Come on." He kept his tone light as he walked briskly to catch up with Kelin. When they reached Kelin, all seriousness was gone from the Athosian's face, replaced by a warm smile. Following the direction of Kelin's gaze, John felt a smile creep onto his own face as he saw Halling crossed the field towards them, Jinto following behind.

"Halling!" Kelin's deep voice held warmth as the two men grasped forearms with each other.

"Kelin, my friend," Halling smiled. "It is good to see you well." He nodded once at Kelin, before looking over at John. "Major. Welcome to the mainland." He nodded warmly and extended his hand.

"Thanks. Good to see you again, Halling," John grasped Halling's forearm in greeting.

"Major Sheppard!" Jinto grinned up at John, who smiled back.

"Hiya Jinto," John tousled the Athosian boy's hair briefly. "Where's Wex?"

Jinto made a face. "He is in trouble. He could not come out tonight."

John chuckled and looked up at Halling, who smiled.

"You must be Pertus," Halling looked down at the small boy and smiled warmly. "Do not be scared. We are friends." Halling placed his hand on Jinto's shoulder. This is my son, Jinto. Jinto? This is Pertus."

"Hi!" Jinto grinned at Pertus.

John looked down at Pertus' uncertain expression and squeezed the boy's shoulder warmly. "It's okay."

Pertus' smile was small at first, but it grew slightly at Jinto's warm expression. "Hi." Pertus' voice was tentative, but Jinto took the cue as any young boy would and decided he liked the Pallan boy.

"Come on, I'll show you your tent!" Jinto pulled playfully on Pertus' sleeve, encouraging the Pallan boy to come with him.

Pertus looked up at John and bit his lower lip nervously.

"Go on," John encouraged, "we won't be far behind."

Pertus nodded slightly.

"Come on!" Jinto started running across the field, but Pertus only walked along behind, his steps hesitant. After a moment, Jinto stopped, jogged back to Pertus, and walked along next to him as they both disappeared into the settlement.

John glanced at Kelin and Halling, who both watched after the boys silently.

After a moment Halling nodded. "He carries more pain than such a young boy should."

"Yes," Kelin agreed. "It will be a hard adjustment for him, but," Kelin smiled slightly, "Jinto and the other boys will help, I think."

All three men started walking, leaving the field and making their way into the settlement.

John inhaled deeply, feeling the tension begin to drain from his shoulders. He wasn't surprised. Before coming to Pegasus, one of his favorite ways to unwind was to get away and go camping. While this wasn't exactly a camping trip, the feel of the Athosian settlement, and the deep lungful of fresh air he took in, was close enough. Briefly, his feelings of betrayal darkened his mood, but at the same time he mulled over Kelin's words.

"You seem preoccupied, my friend," Kelin observed.

Startled, John still smiled. "I was just thinking about Pertus. It seems to me that what he needs right now, more than anything, are friends. He's already on his way with Jinto, so Wex can't be too far behind." John's smile widened slightly as both Athosian men chuckled in response.

"Yes, they do seem to be well attached to each other," Halling added.

"Perhaps then, he could join the other youngsters I am instructing?" Kelin offered, smiling as John nodded.

"My thoughts exactly!" John agreed.

"He will need you close by, if only for reassurance that you are there, Major. At least at first," Kelin offered quietly. He raised an expectant eyebrow at John.

John closed his eyes and shook his head in cynical amusement. "Hook, line and sinker," he muttered.

"What?" Kelin questioned, his confused expression matching Halling's.

John just sighed. "Never mind. When do we start?"

Pleased, Kelin smiled. "Early tomorrow."

As they walked through the Athosian settlement, John took the quiet time to look around and take in the hum of life that seemed to surround him. He could feel the energy of the people here … something that he'd felt from the Athosians the very first time he'd met them. It was a buzz… an energy for life that appealed to him. He'd felt the same thing from the Pallans….

John's thoughts derailed, and the small shoot of relaxation that had started to grow in him was utterly squashed. Tension surged through him, and he felt his muscles tighten in response. Silent, he clenched his jaw and fought the raw emotions that attacked his self-control. He glanced sideways at Kelin, who was staring hard at him.

As if he sensed the change in John's bearing, Kelin's wise eyes narrowed and bored into him. John abruptly looked away.

"Are you all right, Major?" Kelin asked quietly.

Against the bitter anger that plagued him, John still managed a tense smile. "Fine. Just tired." He bit off each word, before again falling silent.

"I see."

Kelin's voice was non-committal, and John glanced suspiciously at him, but Kelin had already looked away.

"Jinto!" Halling called loudly. After a moment, the Athosian boy appeared, Pertus right behind him. Halling smiled at Jinto. "It grows late, my son. Say goodnight. I will join you shortly."

Jinto nodded at each man, before smiling at Pertus. "See you tomorrow!"

John felt the darkness that shrouded him lighten a little at the Pallan boy's tentative smile and his quiet response. "Bye, Jinto."

Pertus fell in next to John they walked along with Kelin and Halling further into the settlement. Halling led them past a couple of tents to one set back from the others. At the doorway, he turned and smiled at John.

"I have arranged for you and the boy to use this tent as long as you would like, Major. It is yours."

John's smile was genuine. "Thanks Halling." Leading the way, John entered the spacious tent and looked around. Two sleeping pallets, both stacked high with furs, sat on opposite sides of the tent. The center area was dominated by a short table and benches, and was well lit by a firepot that hung low over the center of the table. Firepots in each of the corners added light to that cast by the one over the table, and gave the entire tent a welcoming, homey feeling. Keeping his smile, John turned and nodded at Halling. "This is really generous of you."

Halling smiled. "You have done much for my people, Major." His smile faded, replaced by a more serious expression. "Because of you, my son still has a father. That is a debt I can never repay." He waved around him. "This is small in comparison."

John felt a small flush creep up his cheeks and he nodded silently. Again, a small voice of reason whispered to him, and he had to fight to keep the surprise from his expression. You haven't lost everyone… you have made a difference….

Halling smiled down at Pertus, before looking back to John. "Take some time to settle in, Major. We will see you in the morning."

John nodded slightly and watched as Kelin and Halling left his tent. He stood there, for a moment, at a loss as to what to do. He looked around. Strangely quiet, the Athosian tent was starkly different than his living quarters on Atlantis….

His thoughts dwelt on Atlantis… the team… his life. He wondered what they were doing, what was happing… and what his absence would mean to them. He rubbed his brow, as once again he felt drained and tired. He glanced at Pertus, and did a double take as the boy stared expectantly at him. Pertus' expression was a cross between hesitation and fear, and John felt sympathy rise in him. Holding Pertus' gaze, John's mouth turned up in a half smile. He pushed away his thoughts of Atlantis, and focused on the here and now. He reached down and picked up his duffle bag. "What do you say we unpack?" He ruffled the boy's hair as Pertus nodded and smiled slightly.

---------------------------------

Not far from John's tent, Kelin stopped and looked back. He glanced at Halling, who joined him.

"It is as Teyla said," Halling ventured quietly. "He is very troubled."

Kelin considered Halling's words for a long moment before nodding slowly. "There is a struggle within him. He is fighting himself, although I doubt he realizes it." Kelin's own pain whispered to him, as it had for many years, but, with an ease only gained in years of practice, he turned away from it. Long ago, he'd accepted the burden of his misfortunes, and learned to endure them… to live with them, and in spite of them.

"Perhaps that is why Teyla came to you, my friend." Halling's voice was knowing as he glanced at Kelin.

Kelin smiled wisely. "Perhaps." His gaze fixed on the Major's tent, Kelin continued, "He has lost perspective. Through all the bad that has happened to him, he cannot see the good he has done… or the good he still can do."

"Will he?"

Kelin arched his brows at Halling's blunt but fair question. Living in the shadow of the Wraith, no Athosian had gone untouched by the horrors of a culling. Both he and Halling had known Athosians who had never been able to put their losses behind them… to go on living. Kelin looked away and sighed as he mulled over Halling's words, before once again looking back to the Major's tent. "If he faces his pain and allows the strength of those around him, to bolster him, perhaps… yes. In time, I believe he can find himself."

Halling nodded slightly. "He carries a great pain."

"Yes," Kelin agreed. "It is buried deep inside him. Until he lets it loose and faces it, it will continue to plague him."

"That alone could destroy him." Halling turned and faced Kelin. Concern shadowed Halling's expression. "We have seen it before."

Kelin stared at Halling for a moment, before again looking towards the settlement. "He has a great strength of spirit… and he will need it to prevail."

"Yes." Halling nodded. "the Major is a strong man."

"He is," Kelin agreed, "but there are many different kinds of strength, Halling. The Major must use all of them to once again be the man that he was once was."

Halling nodded silently, turned and walked away.

Kelin spent one more long moment staring at the Major's tent, before he followed his friend.

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When Kelin had told him 'early tomorrow', John didn't think it would be this early. He yawned, stretched, and cocked an eyebrow at Kelin's amused stare.

"It is not that early, Major."

John rubbed his eyes. Never one to sleep late, he nonetheless found this hour of the morning to be a bit much, even for him. "That's a matter of opinion," he muttered.

Kelin's amused look deepened into a smile. "Come. Halling has invited you and Pertus to take the morning meal with him."

John slowly rolled over, pulled his legs under himself and stood. He walked over to Pertus' bed and squeezed the boy's shoulder gently. "Pertus?"

Pertus slowly opened his eyes and inhaled deeply. "Major Sheppard?"

His voice was groggy, and John smiled in response. "Time to get up, Pertus." John stood up again and yawned.

"I am sorry to come into your home uninvited, Major, but you did not respond to my calls." Kelin sat down on one of the benches that surrounded the table. He turned away, giving John some privacy to change out of the pants he'd slept in.

John shrugged. "It's okay. I guess I was pretty tired to be sleeping that deeply." He frowned at his wrinkled pants and snagged a clean pair from his nearby duffle. He pulled his t-shirt over his head before he knelt and quickly laced his boots. "Kelin, I know you don't have showers around here but…," his voice trailed off.

Kelin chuckled. "You may bathe in the river later, John."

John winced silently at the thought of the cold, mountain water. "Sounds… invigorating."

Kelin's chuckled turned to a laugh. "It is cold, John."

John smiled, stood and grabbed his sidearm, the sound of the holstered gun sliding across a nearby chair causing Kelin to turn and watch him.

The older man's gaze settled on the gun. "That is not necessary, Major. We are only going to Halling's tent for a morning meal." he ventured quietly.

John froze, his gun belt halfway wrapped around his waist. The holstered 9 mil gently bumped against his thigh as he slowly looked at Kelin. He smiled cynically. "That's okay. I'd rather have it with me."

Kelin arched an eyebrow. "We do not go to meals with friends armed, Major. It is not our way."

John felt a slight flush creep up his neck. "Oh." He hastily laid the gun belt on his bed. "Sorry." His expression turned wary as he glanced at Kelin, but Kelin only smiled.

"Do not apologize. There was no way for you to know. You are a warrior among your people. It is natural for you to carry a weapon. Among our people, friendship is a relationship of trust more than anything else. And, to survive the Wraith, we must trust each other. With our health, our lives, our children. To take a meal with someone is a gesture of trust, as it is a gesture of friendship to offer it."

John nodded silently as he considered Kelin's words. He watched as Pertus pulled his homespun shirt over his head. "Makes sense," he agreed quietly.

Kelin's smile widened as he stood. "Come, my friend." He turned, exiting the tent, confident that John would follow.

John's brows knitted as he heard a faint rumbling sound. He glanced at Pertus, who looked away sheepishly. John smiled as he realized the sound was the boy's stomach. "Hungry?" he chuckled.

Pertus slowly looked back at John and smiled. Tentative at first, the smile grew into a toothy grin; the first one Sheppard had seen on the boy since before the destruction of Palla.

"I'll take that as a yes," John answered. He waved at the entrance to the tent, smiling as the boy quickly crossed to it, whipped aside the furs and ducked outside. Shaking his head, he followed behind.

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John absently nibbled on a hard roll as his gaze lingered on Pertus and the other boys. The young Pallan boy was still tentative, but seemed to be coming out of his shell more. John swallowed and smiled slightly as Jinto laughed loudly and shoved Pertus' shoulder at something the boy said. John grabbed his cup, inhaling the strong scent of stout, Athosian tea. He took a long sip and lowered the cup, his eyes instantly meeting those of Halling, who sat across the table from him.

Halling nodded briefly at John, who returned the gesture.

John finished his tea as people began to rise from the table, the meal finished. John stood, and looked around hesitantly, before Kelin seemed to materialize beside him. For a moment, the two men were silent as they watched Jinto, Pertus and Wex laugh and tease each other. Still unsure of himself, Pertus offered up a quiet comment John couldn't hear, but the laughter from Wex and Jinto was loud. John shook his head slightly, a gesture not lost on Kelin.

"Pertus seems to have found some friends." Kelin smiled.

"Yeah," John agreed, "he's a little timid though." He watched the boys intently.

"Give him time, Major. He has much to work through still," Kelin responded.

Something in the Athosian man's tone grabbed John's attention. He slowly looked over at Kelin, who, as usual, wore a very neutral expression. John's gaze narrowed. "Why do I get the feeling you're not just talking about Pertus?"

Kelin arched an eyebrow, a shadow of a smile passing over his mouth. "Perhaps."

"Major?"

Halling, who walked up behind him, drew John's attention from Kelin. "Halling," John nodded, "thanks for the meal."

Halling smiled. "It would please me if you and Pertus would take all your meals with us, Major."

John's brows arched at the generous offer. "Thanks, Halling but…" his voice trailed off.

Halling cocked his head in confusion. "Do you not wish to take meals with us?"

John's eyes widened. "No, it's not that. I… well…" he shrugged, " I think I need to do something to earn my keep around here…."

Halling glanced at Kelin, before slowly smiling at John. "You are to help Kelin with training the children, are you not?"

John nodded. "I guess so."

"Then you are doing your part, Major," Halling reasoned. Changing the subject, he went on. "I would ask that Pertus join myself, Jinto and the others who tend the crops, after the morning meals, if that is acceptable to you. We would like to involve all the Pallans in our farming as soon as possible, as I believe they have much to offer in the way of advice."

John's gaze narrowed in confusion as he glanced at Kelin. "I thought Pertus was to join the boys in instruction…?"

"He is," Kelin answered. "The children help with their families' crafts for the first half of the day, or apprentice to another craft. They are mine to instruct in the afternoons before the evening meal. Pertus may do both, as do the other children."

John nodded. "Makes sense."

"You are acting as the boy's guardian, Major, so I would ask this of you." Halling smiled.

John returned the grin. "Sure. It'd be good for him." He looked back to the group of boys. "Pertus?" His smile lingered as Pertus walked over to him. He knelt and looked the boy in the eye. "Pertus, I want you to go with Jinto and Halling. You and your people are going to help them tend fields in the mornings for a while okay? I'll see you at the midday meal, and in the afternoons."

A shadow of hesitation crossed Pertus' face as he nodded slowly.

John sighed and squeezed the boy's shoulder. "The Athosians want to learn how your people farm, Pertus. Besides, Jinto will be there."

"You can work with me!" Jinto appeared out of nowhere and grinned at Pertus.

Pertus bit his lower lip and glanced at Jinto, before looking back at John, who smiled reassuringly. Slowly, the boy nodded. "Okay."

"Okay," John agreed quietly. "Go on. Go with Jinto."

"Meet us in the north field, Jinto." Halling smiled down at his son.

"Yes, Father." Jinto grabbed Pertus' sleeve. "Come on!" He pulled Pertus along behind him.

"Well handled, Major. Your instincts with the boy are very good." Halling smiled at John as the two boys exited the tent.

John sighed. "Thanks. I can't stay here forever. He has to start spending time with other people besides me." His intense gaze on the doorway broke as he felt the keen silence surrounding him. He glanced first at Halling, then at Kelin. Both men's expressions were reserved. Suddenly uncomfortable, John inhaled deeply. He quickly crossed the tent and exited.

He stepped out into the early morning mist, and pulled in a deep, cleansing breath of the slightly chilly air. He felt conflicted, part of him savoring the relaxed, simple atmosphere of the Athosian settlement, the other part guilty for not being on Atlantis.

He buried his hands deep in his pockets and slowly walked down the pathway through the settlement. Guilt trailed him… followed his every step, and on its heels a great weariness at the thought of his duty, responsibilities, and even his life on Atlantis. Part of him was confused. He knew deep down that he loved Atlantis, was dedicated to the expedition and the team, and savored the challenge, even in the face of incredible peril. But now, each of those feelings was squashed under a thick layer of indifference. John sighed. All of a sudden, he just didn't have the energy… the desire for any of it… for anything.

Except Pertus. John's thoughts latched onto the boy and his plight. John could be there for Pertus. A task that should've been every bit as draining as anything Atlantis had to offer. But John found no weariness in caring for Pertus. His mind clung to that thought.

"Major?"

John sucked in a deep breath before he turned and watched Kelin make his way down the path. He nodded once in answer. "Kelin?"

The older man stopped next to John, his narrowed gaze traveling down, then back up John's body, noting his demeanor and tired expression. "Major. Are you all right?"

John found a small half smile. "Just tired."

After a silent moment, Kelin inhaled deeply. "Teyla has told me she has begun instructing you in the fighting ways of our people. I normally work my skills this time of morning, and would welcome a sparring partner." Kelin arched a brow at John. "If you feel well enough for it."

John looked away, his thoughts turning to Teyla, to fighting, to….

Spinning, John delivered the hardest blow he could….

Numb, he could only stare at her. A trail of blood worked its way down her cheek, and from where he was, he couldn't tell if she was alive. In the back of his mind, he noticed his stick slip from his deadened fingers and clatter to the floor. "God," he whispered.

"Major?"

John swallowed hard and pushed away his memories as he felt Kelin's hand settle on his shoulder.

"Do not brood on your troubles. Work them out. Speak of them, face them, and conquer them. But do not brood over them. That will only poison your spirit," Kelin offered quietly.

"I'm not brooding," John's contradiction was as weak as his quiet voice.

"Major." Kelin's voice was patient.

"It's…" John shook his head. "It's my problem, Kelin. I'll find a way to handle it myself."

"Perhaps," Kelin's voice was neutral, "but at many points in our lives, we all need a voice of experience to guide us."

John's gaze narrowed at the knowing look Kelin gave him, but still he said nothing.

"Come spar with me, Major," Kelin urged gently. "At the very least, you may practice your skills."

John sighed deeply. He felt stiff, tense, and the thought of a workout actually appealed to him. "Okay," he agreed quietly.

Kelin smiled. "Good. Come." He walked down the pathway.

John stared after him for a moment before trotting to catch up.