Ok so bit of a long chapter here to make up for the crappy short one last time. I really am not too sure about this, i tried reading it out loud and it reads OK, but I just hope I've done it justice. Please tell me what you think, thanks again for the support...

Blaine thought back over the amazing year and a half he had spent with Kurt, both as friends and boyfriends. They had learnt from each other and grown together. But through his own stupidity he had pushed away the one person who could truly have helped him. This, now he came to think about it, was probably the reason he was so messed up.

Blaine sighed inwardly, he really was a mess and had broken the heart of the only person he had ever, and would ever truly love.

Kurt placed the plate of pancakes in front of him passing him syrup and cutlery before joining him at the breakfast bar. They ate in silence, a silence which they had always felt comfortable in, they hadn't needed to talk all the time, just being in each other's company had been enough.

"So, you work in a bar?" Blaine asked, breaking the silence. Kurt finished chewing and swallowed before speaking.

"Yeah, I came here with Rachel right after college to be on Broadway, she of course was successful straight away." He said a hint of jealousy in his voice. "I on the other hand...well, I've been here a year and I'm still at the bar. The market isn't as broad for a countertenor." Blaine bit the inside of his gum. That was very true.

"Sorry. Is there, is there nothing else you'd like to do?"

"Well recently I have been thinking I'd like to try my hand at costume design, I love fashion, and have always seemed to have a good eye for it." Blaine smirked at a particular memory of Kurt forcing Wes and David into Lady Gaga costumes for a Dalton social event shortly after he joined the school. "I'm saving up to go to college in the evenings, I want to study fashion design. If I can't be on Broadway I can at least make the people on it look spectacular!" Blaine smiled.

"That sounds like an awesome idea!" Kurt half nodded and popped another fork-full of pancakes into his mouth he chewed slowly before asking his next question.

"So what are you up to now? I'm surprised your name isn't all over billboards yourself, your music was always so beautiful, I thought you'd shine your light all over the world."

"I'm a junior reporter for the New York Times. No glamorous life for me I'm afraid." He chuckled darkly. "I get to sift through mountains of press releases trying to find a story, then have the tedious job of creating it and finding links and quotes and it's all just wonderful."

"Do you not play or sing at all anymore?" Kurt asked shocked.

Blaine looked at him, a battle raging between his eyes. Why couldn't he admit it? Why couldn't he piece together the puzzle that had been shattered all those years ago? He had half explained it to David yesterday, but that was only part of it, why couldn't he work out the rest? Sound it out loud?

"I can't." Blaine drained his orange juice in one, his throat feeling very dry all of a sudden. Speaking to David about these things was fine, he wasn't scared of him.

But of Kurt? He was terrified.

He couldn't explain why he was so scared of talking to Kurt, it had never been like that with them, even at the very beginning of their friendship they had always been one hundred percent honest with each other.

So why was it so difficult now? Was it because even after everything, Kurt was the one person he didn't want to let down, he had of course let him down a long time ago. But here he was now, his old friend, his one true love and soul mate, why was it so difficult for him to be honest?

"You can't what Blaine?" Kurt said, pushing gently. "You can't play anymore, or you can't talk about it?"

"Both." Kurt nodded.

"I know, and I respect how difficult this is for you, I always did."

"But I hurt you so much. And I'm still hurting you now; I can see it in your eyes."

"Blaine." Kurt whispered taking his hand. He rubbed the pad of his thumb along the join between Blaine's thumb and first finger. "The only reason I was hurting was because you wouldn't let me in, we were always so open and honest with each other and then literally over night that changed, and I couldn't understand it. I lost him too you know." Blaine grabbed the hand holding his with his other hand and gripped it tears stung his eyes as he clung to the tall man in front of him for dear life.

"I'm so sorry Kurt!" He gasped, sobbing now, thick tears running down his cheeks.

"Shh shh." Kurt said soothingly. He stood up not letting go of Blaine's hands, not that he could if he'd wanted to, the grip the smaller man had on him was too strong. Both literally and physically. He pulled Blaine up with him and walked around the breakfast bar until he was stood in front of the broken man. He pulled Blaine towards him using his free arm to wrap around him. At the closeness Blaine let go of Kurt's other hand and grabbed hold of Kurt's borrowed shirt burying his face in his chest as he sobbed harder, finally releasing the pain that he had bottled up for five long years.

Kurt wrapped his arms firmly around Blaine's shoulders and rubbed soothing circles on his back, head resting on the side of his head. He continued the comforting circles on Blaine's back and felt him start to relax after a while.

Once the sobbing had stopped Kurt walked them over to the sofa and sat down pulling Blaine gently down with him. He kept his arms firmly around Blaine's shoulders and Blaine in turn nuzzled into Kurt's chest.

"Sorry..." Blaine mumbled sitting up slightly after.

"It's ok; you've obviously been bottling this up for a long time."

"It's just...I have been such a mess, and I had no idea why. And then, seeing you again after all this time..."

"I know, shh shh." Kurt said pulling Blaine into him again as he heard his voice crack. "You lost your best friend Blaine. I can understand that, if I lost Mercedes or Rachel...Well I can't fathom it."

"There's more to it than that." Kurt nodded.

"You blamed yourself, Sean was looking for you that day, and Wes did what any other friend would have done, and that's the key point Blaine!" Kurt said. "If that gun had been pointing to David or Wes that day, you would have done the same thing! You didn't drag Wes in front of you to stop that bullet, you didn't dive behind him. He grabbed you and pulled you out of harms' way and got hit instead. It was not your fault."

"It was..."

"No it wasn't it was Sean's fault, he was sick, and is now isolated in his own private ward with padded walls because of it, but once again that is not your fault either!"

"I hurt you though." Blaine mumbled even quieter.

"Not intentionally!"

"Stop it Kurt! Stop making excuses for me!" Blaine said standing up and walking to the other side of the coffee table.

"You really want to know why I can't live with myself?" Blaine shouted. "It was my fault ok, it was my fault! Sean and Wes, and you, and everything was my fault!" He started pacing.

"If I hadn't been so frigging charming Sean would never have fallen for me. I wouldn't have had to turn him down so he wouldn't have ever turned into psycho crazy stalker person. He never would have bought that gun to school; Wes wouldn't have thrown himself in front of it to protect me and he would still be here now. I wouldn't have tried to push you away and hurt you and we would probably still be together." Kurt winced slightly. "The reason I did it was because I loved you so much and thought it was a blessing that you hadn't been there that day! Because I am almost positive it would have been you who stepped in front of that bullet!"

'He's right it would have' Kurt thought to himself.

"And if that happened I probably would have killed myself, seriously if I lost you that way...I never ever would have been able to even get up off the floor." Tears were rolling down his eyes. "I loved you so much, I couldn't stand to lose you."

"But you did!" Kurt said standing up now. "You pushed me away and you lost me, all I wanted to do was comfort you and make everything ok, and you pushed me away."

"Because I was so scared of you dying, I was so sure that something like that would happen again, I had nightmares about it every night, that it had been you who stepped in the way and been killed that day. And the same dream would play on a loop quite often more than once in the same night, and every time I closed my eyes it was all I saw! And then to have to look you in the eyes and see you alive and well and laughing whilst expecting Sean to turn up with another gun. It near enough drove me mad Kurt. And I knew if you were with me, it would be putting you at risk, I couldn't stand the thought of losing you completely and indefinitely through death, and even though I lost you, you were still alive and breathing. You were safe. I never stopped loving you; it was because I loved you so much, I didn't want to put you at risk!"

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" Kurt said incredulously.

"Without you Kurt I was shell of my old self. I should never have pushed you away. You complete me, without you I am nothing, and I should have known that pushing you away was ridiculous because you were the only one who ever made me feel good about myself, you were the only person who could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry." He was almost sobbing now.

"Blaine..." Kurt whispered and looked at the man in front of him with sad eyes.

"And I know I've blown it, I know you moved on and I lost the right to you years ago, but I should never have pushed you away! I wouldn't be the mess I am today if I hadn't and I hate myself for it, I hate myself for not seeing how much I needed you. And knowing that I hurt you through my own stupidity." He looked at Kurt for a moment staring at him as though he was the only glass of water in the desert. Desperation and sadness in his eyes, he walked purposely towards him, and without thinking; as though it was the most natural thing in the world placed his hands on either side of Kurt's face and pulled him down into a needy and passionate kiss. Shocked Kurt found himself responding to the kiss, his hands came up to Blaine's face, cupping it as he moved closer deepening the kiss, Blaine opened his mouth and let his tongue tease Kurt's upper lip. This however jolted Kurt's mind, he suddenly realised what he was doing and gently moved his hands to Blaine's pulling them from where they toying with his morning hair.

"No Blaine!" Kurt said gently. He pulled away from Blaine, letting go of his hands and letting them fall to his sides. Blaine looked confused and apologetic.

"I-I'm sorry Kurt...I just. I still love you, and seeing you again, I don't know maybe it's the universe saying to us that it's meant to be." Kurt shook his head and placed his hands on Blaine's shoulders.

"No Blaine." He repeated. "You're a mess, if this happens now, it would fall apart again. And I'm sorry but my heart cannot handle that, not again." Kurt said his pain creeping through his whole body at his words, his heart was screaming for him to stop talking, to grab the beautiful man in front of him and never let him go. But his head was saying it was the right thing. And for the first time in his life, he was listening to his head.