Sirius's Photo

'I do have some nice memories of Snape.' Began Sirius. He glanced up at Remus as he spoke and quickly pulled a face at the expression Remus wore.

'I didn't start hating him right from the start. I didn't go to Hogwarts, see him and just go over and pick a fight.' Sirius's voice was sulky.

'Sorry if I find it hard to believe you Sirius......but I remember you mouthing off about Severus during the welcome feast.' Remus was careful to place emphasis on his use of Severus's first name.

Sirius scowled and looked down at the tabletop, gripping his cup of tea tightly between his hands. Remus briefly mused about how so many of these conversations seemed to take place over tea that he sometimes felt like his brain was swimming in the liquid.

'I met him on the train.' Sirius began abruptly. Then he stopped. Remus watched as Sirius seemed to gather himself together. He heaved a big sigh before lifting his head and meeting Remus's gaze full on. Bright blue eyes piercing warm amber ones. Remus suppressed a shiver.

'The first people I spoke to on the train. Snape and.....' Sirius took a big breath. 'Snape and Lily. They were the first people I spoke to. The first children I spoke to.'

And Remus remembered the little that he knew about Sirius's childhood. A childhood spent in a series of large empty houses. The only contact with other children being his younger brother, a brother favoured by his parents, and occasional visits from pureblooded cousins such as Lucius Malfoy and Naccissa Black, pureblooded children that had quickly learnt not to act like children and to look down their noses at Sirius Black. So, yes Remus knew what it might mean for Sirius to talk about the first children he spoke to on the Hogwarts Express.

' Lily and Severus were friends. Best friends.' Said Sirius and Remus was surprised to hear the words coming out of his mouth. So fervently had Sirius always denied Lily's relationship with Severus. Even when James had married her and knew a little more of the truth of Lily's life before Hogwarts. Even when Sirius knew that Lily and James had considered inviting Severus to the wedding and then later to Harry's christening. He still wouldn't listen. The one time, the one thing where Sirius wouldn't listen to James was Severus Snape.

'Who did you sit with on the train?' Sirius suddenly asked. Remus didn't answer and Sirius suddenly lurched across the table and grabbed Remus's left hand in his right. Remus nearly pulled his hand back in shock. It had been so long since Sirius had touched him. Such a rare event since Azkaban.

Sirius's hand felt warm and rough and good.

'Who did you sit with on the train?' Sirius demanded. Remus swallowed drily.

'Peter.' He choked out. 'I sat with Peter.'

Sirius nodded solemnly. 'You sat with a traitor. I sat with Severus Snape.'

The conversation ended. Three weeks later Sirius shoves a photo under Remus's nose. A black and white photo, almost static. A platform, the Hogwarts Express in the background. In the foreground a young, small Lily Evans with parents and an equally small, and almost pretty looking Petunia Evans. There is little movement; Lily impatiently tucks a strand of red hair behind her ear; Petunia bites her lip and her eyes dart from side to side; Mr Evans's hand squeezes his wife's shoulder and Mrs Evans's smile broadens. Remus idly wonders who took the photo, and then in the background, off to the left he sees two small boys. Sirius Black and Severus Snape.

'They look alike don't they?' Sirius says gruffly. Remus wordlessly nods.

'Lily gave me the photo. I used to remember, in there that people used to take photos of things. Of each other. Hogwarts lake. Babies, shops and sunsets. I used to wish I had one photo just to look at. So I wouldn't forget what things, what people looked like. What people were like.'

Remus winced as Sirius started to slip back into the speech pattern he had adopted after he first escaped Azkaban. Short and clipped. Barking out lists of words. Barely formed sentences.

'Same height. Same robes. No house crests yet. Black hair. Mine messy. His straight. Pale skin. Solemn. Scared. Very scared.'

He snapped out of it quickly. Remus was grateful.

'It's a long trip to Hogwarts. All the way from London to Scotland. With all our magic you think it would be easy to make it quicker?' Sirius scratched his stubble festooned chin and grinned. 'But yes, I know all those children, safety. I know it isn't possible. I never was very good at magical theory.'

'You and the rest of the wizarding world.' Snorted Remus. 'It's magic, it works. Why ask why?'

Sirius looked back down at the photograph, fingers hovering over first Lily and then over himself and then Severus.

'He sat with Lily. They were friends and she was so beautiful and loud and nice. I thought she wouldn't be friends with anyone bad, anyone nasty. She was muggleborn, he was half-blood. '

'His was the first name that I knew at Hogwarts, well except for Cissy and Lucuis. But he was the first person I told my name to. He didn't seem shocked at the name Black or when I said I wanted to be as unlike a Black as possible. '

'But then later he's in Slytherin. I told that hat I wanted to be in Gyffindor and it listened. He must have told it he wanted to be in the snake pit.' Sirius practically hissed out the last part. If the subject wasn't so serious and the man in front of him wasn't so broken, Remus might have found Sirius's childish words comical.

'Oh Sirius.' Remus sighed. ' The name Black didn't mean anything to Severus. He didn't know that not wanting to be like a Black meant not being in Slytherin. He's an only child with a muggle father and few, if any wizard relatives if I remember rightly. The hat probably put him where it wanted to put him as it did with you. You just wanted to be where you were put.'

Then thinking back on what Albus had told him Remus added. 'He just wanted a home. Somewhere warm, with food and friends. Like you Sirius.'

Sirius's face took on a slightly pensive look. Remus held his breath.

Sirius's face grimaced, twisted and pouted.

And finally he whispered. 'I still hate him.'

Remus sighed.

Later when Sirius got drunk as he often did these days after talking about the past. He would blurt out how he used to like boys at Hogwarts as well as girls. And Remus would bite his tongue and pretend he didn't already know and pretend that he hadn't noticed that he wasn't the only Gryffindor boy who, in their 7th year had suddenly started sneaking glances at Severus Snape's pale elegant hands, suddenly found themselves wondering about Severus Snape's black eyes and who had occasionally wondered what Severus Snape would look like with washed hair and a smile.

Instead Remus hooked Sirius's arm over his shoulders and slung an arm around Sirius's skinny waist and hauled him up the stairs to bed. Instead of telling Sirius that he hadn't been alone at school Remus pushed him back onto the bed and shushed his mumbled apologies. Instead of telling Sirius that he was proud that he had shown him the photo and told him about being friends with Severus, if only for a train journey Remus pulled the blankets higher, tucked in an errant limb, pushed back a lock of tangled black hair and stared at a black and white photo and the faces of two scared little boys.

Remus wished he could keep Sirius's photo.

Written because I love Sirius very much, but I also find him endlessly exasperating.