Chapter 12: Recklessness

"I've been looking in the mirror for so long

That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.

Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.

Shards of me,

Too sharp to put back together.

Too small to matter,

But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces..."

Evanescence, "Breathe No More"

What if I don't go? I ask Jager silently. His command still rings in my mind, yet I haven't moved. My sane half is screaming at me to leave before I get myself into something I don't want, but I can't budge; I'm frozen.

I...can't deal with you right now, Elyse. Get out of my sight.

Maybe it's because he wants me gone so badly that I disobey him. It feels good to contradict him, the monster that killed me. "No," I whisper. Our lips are inches apart in the darkness.

I hear his humorless laugh in my mind, but I ignore the reaction of throwing walls up to block him out. Why are you so damn stubborn? he asks, but he doesn't want an answer.

Anger flares at his bluntness and I raise a hand to slap him. His eyes glance towards the movement, and before I can strike him, he catches my wrist. My eyes widen in fear for a moment; I am still frightened of the power he possesses, the power that seems to reach its peak when he's angry. But he doesn't hurt me. Quite the opposite, actually; he pulls my hand toward his face and caresses my palm with cool lips. I gasp; my skin tingles where he kissed it.

"Damn you," I growl, because I know I've finally given in.

"Too late."

He leans forward and presses his lips to mine, kissing me hungrily. I respond with a passion I didn't know I possessed. Is this what happens when I try to hate you? I demand silently, but my tone is teasing. His lips move down my jaw, to my neck, and I tense. Too close, too soon to bring back Emmie's memories. I clear my throat and he pulls away.

We've ruined the moment.

"Sorry," I whisper. I don't want him to stop, despite the memories his kissing is pulling to the surface. Emmie's naivety, her ignorance, is not a part of me anymore. I refuse to think further than the fact that I want his lips back on my skin, want his arms around me, his touch...

I push myself off the wall I was leaning on and press into Jager, letting my body mold to his perfect one. I correct myself mentally; my body is perfectly flawless, too. Are you sure? I don't know if he really asks this or if I imagine it, but with my face resting on his lifeless chest, I nod anyway. He kisses the top of my head and smiles. Moves his hands to engulf my small ones. Leads me through the darkness, even though I can see perfectly well, to his bed.

I am reckless in my kisses; I don't know if it is Jager's mind on mine or truly myself, but I throw myself into the moment as if I was the college whore again. Only with him, it is different. And I don't need liquor to get myself drunk; I'm already intoxicated by his smell, by the taste of his kisses, by the feel of his cold hands.

After it is over, we lay together, and our bodies are a perfect fit. His arm is wrapped around my waist and my nose is buried in his shoulder. I don't think either of us sleeps, but it doesn't matter.

I smile and slip into a world of dreams, a world where I don't belong.

-vVv-

When I wake, Jager is gone. Not a surprise, and I am immediately angry at him all over again.

Where are you? I ask, searching for the familiar presence of his mind. I don't need an answer; he is inside the nightclub. I force a smile on my face and will myself into the bar. "Hello, Jager," I greet him smoothly, as if I'm still angry with him. As if nothing happened between us.

But he has a different plan. I barely get the chance to see that he is chatting with Aubrey again before he pulls me to him and presses his lips to mine.

"A little obvious, isn't it?" I ask dryly when he lets me go.

He shrugs. "I found you a house," he tells me.

I raise an eyebrow questioningly.

"It's just outside New Mayhem, not too pricy. I already bought it." The eyebrow goes up further. "If you don't want it, that's fine. Another house won't hurt me," he finishes, as if he doesn't even see my appalled expression.

Aubrey is laughing. I've never seen someone laugh so humorlessly, so much, never mind that it is mocking laughter. And at me, nonetheless.

Because I don't feel like picking a fight with Jager right now, I turn to Aubrey with a smirk. "I'm glad you find me so amusing," I spit out, and then disappear before he can reply.

I open my eyes when I am in my old house, in front of the cracked mirror. Back to where all of this began. I reach out quickly with my mind and find the information I am looking for: no one is in the house. Then I look at my reflection and pretend not to notice how it isn't as vivid as when I was human.

The crack grates on my nerves now instead of comforting me. But still, I stand so the glass cuts my face in half; it is habit.

Jager irritates me to no end. How can I love him but completely despise him at once? Isn't it strange for two vampires to love each other? Can we even fall in love?

I brush that last thought aside; it is a ridiculous question. But still, I'm wondering as I'm fuming with anger. My thoughts turn to blaming myself. If Emmie hadn't been so stupid, if her mind hadn't been so deeply steeped in self-pity, then she wouldn't have bothered with Jager in the first place. She would still be alive, even though she hated herself. She would actually die, someday, damn it! I growl at the reflection in front of me. It's an inhumane sound, inhumane like the way I'm feeling.

"Why do I struggle against who I am, no matter what?" I demand aloud. "Can't I just accept this? It won't change. I don't even know if I want it to change. I—"

I break off ranting and exhale forcefully. Almost without thinking, I reach out with my power, with my anger, and shatter the glass of the mirror. It explodes into a million pieces and the shards rain down on me, but I can't tell if they cut me or not. It doesn't matter; I'll heal quickly anyway.

I brush the glass out of my hair and smile absently into the few bits of the mirror left in its place.

"They would have needed to replace it anyway."

A/N: Hmm not so sure about this. Tell me what you think! I'm planning on this chapter being the last you hear of Elyse hating being a vamp, so no more self pity! Yay! We'll think of something awesome to happen instead…

Please review and thanks to all!

Dusk