A/N: This is a flashback of her time in England for all of you that wanted to know what she was up to for 100 years. It's immediately after she speaks to Moira that she remembers this because of being called heartless. The next chapter will pick up from the end of chap 15. Enjoy and please review!

Disclaimer: Everything but Emmie and Sutton is AHAR's. The song is "All That I'm Living For" by Evanescence.

Fifty years before; Durham, England:

Now I know how Jager felt 50 years ago. How he fell so deeply in love with me that he changed me against my will. And also how that didn't get him what he wanted. I push away the thoughts of my past and watch Sutton exit the pub, looking around. I know he is waiting for me, but I can't seem to move; I'm mesmerized by his mortal beauty. His black hair that in the light has highlights of dark chocolate, his eyes that are so amber they almost look orange. I'm grateful that my fondness for him distracts me from my past, but at the same time I'm mentally kicking myself. I can't stay here, in Durham, forever.

And I could never change Sutton. He is too in love with life.

"Sutton?" I call, stepping out of the shadow of the building I'd been leaning on. The dirty streetlamp doesn't shed much light, so although I can see perfectly, Sutton squints his eyes. "Elyse," he says, a smile in his voice. His glances at my body for a brief moment—my long, black dress with the low-cut bodice and silver sash paired with tall black boots—and then focuses on my face. "You look great."

If vampires could blush, my face would be crimson. But instead, it stays perfectly pale as I walk over to the human. He's not like the others that I've met, either here or in America. His confidence leaves me staggering, but of course, I love that. When I get close enough he wraps his warm hand around my always-cold one; I slip my arm around his waist. He smells slightly of alcohol to my sensitive nose and I turn to look at him. "You were drinking," I state, not angry.

He shakes his head, the smile I love creeping onto his face. "No, actually," he says. "Some drunk spilled his beer on me."

I laugh and pull closer to him, ignoring the soft pull of the bloodlust; I didn't feed yet today. But now I can't; Sutton is with me, and he knows nothing. "Let's go somewhere," I tell him, pulling him away from the dim streetlights, into the trees on the side of the road. I want to find a park; at least someone would be there. I can't be alone with Sutton. It's too dangerous; I don't have the control Jager had with me, and even he slipped up.

And I cannot afford to make a mistake.

The cool England breeze rustles the dark trees above us, plays over our skin. I see Sutton shiver, but I feel nothing. "Aren't you cold?" he asks me, trying not to let his teeth chatter. All he's wearing is a worn leather jacket, so no wonder he is cold. I look down at myself and almost laugh; I am dressed as if it is late spring, when it is really nearly winter. So I feign a shiver, which the bloodlust helps to make real. "A little cold," I lie.

He wraps his leather-clad arms around me, and he smells so good…There's a song playing in my head, something I picked up from a human, somewhere.

"I can feel the night beginning

separate me from the living

understanding me

after all I've seen…"

"Come on," I whisper playfully, and drag him in the direction of the nearby park. I try not to be annoyed with his obvious human slowness; he is much more aware than others of his kind. The skirt of my dress swishes around my legs, the hem reaching out to touch Sutton's jeans, and he complies, following me obediently. Probably not the wisest thing to do.

We come to the park through the woods and find a bench right beside the cover of trees. No one is there, not even the regular constable, and I groan inwardly. This is not good; no one will see us, no one can check me to make sure I don't do anything I regret.

Sutton sits down on the bench and pulls me with him, setting me on his lap. "Okay," he admits, "maybe I had one beer. But that's all, I promise."

I giggle, the sound strange to me. But I am so fond of this human that the response doesn't surprise me. It only fills me with dread because I know I shouldn't be here, shouldn't be putting this beautiful young man in danger.

But I ignore these thoughts and lean forward to kiss his neck. He catches me halfway with his own lips, and the kiss sends long-dead shivers down my spine. I fight the urge to say something in his mind; he knows nothing about my kind, and I cannot ever let him know about us. About me. "You taste good." I whisper the words aloud instead, but far from being warned, Sutton only grins at me and kisses my bottom lip.

"You do, too, Elyse," he breathes. His mouth is sweet, giving me a hint of what he would really taste like—No! I scream to myself. Don't even think about that…

I tense slightly when the song returns to me, but I try my best to shove it out of my mind, try my best to ignore the warning the words are trying to speak.

"Piecing every thought together

find the words to make me better

if I only knew how to pull myself apart…"

I throw my entire self into his embrace, locking lips with him as if desperate to hold onto something fleeting. For that is what this is; I cannot keep it—cannot keep him—forever. I slip my cold hands underneath his jacket, wishing to be closer to him. Wishing I wasn't this dangerous, that I could love him without fear of hurting him, of changing him. But all of his body heat couldn't even begin to warm my icy skin. "You're beautiful," I tell him, and my voice is so quiet compared to the humming music in my head that I don't even know if he hears me.

But he does; I can tell in the way his body stiffens momentarily, and then in the way his mouth responds to mine. I squeeze my eyes shut, enjoying the moment, ignoring the screaming in my dead heart for blood. Soon the bloodlust will begin to hurt, and I know I must get away from him before something bad happens…

"All that I'm living for

all that I'm dying for

all that I can't ignore alone at night…"

The music builds in my head, blocking out even our gasping as we pull away from each other. His breath steams in the air between us and I remember to breathe like him. For a few moments, at least, I can pretend I am human. He barely even looks like he's caught his breath, but Sutton's orange eyes flash in the darkness and he pulls me to him again.

I move my mouth from his lips, down his jaw and to his neck without thinking. "All that I'm wanted for, although I wanted more," my mind wails. "Lock the last open door—my ghosts are gaining on me." No, no, don't do this. I'm begging myself as I'm kissing the beautiful skin on Sutton's neck, but now instinct has taken over and I can't stop.

I am not strong enough. I never was.

"I believe that dreams are sacred

take my darkest fears and play them

like a lullaby

like a reason why

like a play of my obsessions

make me understand the lesson

so I'll find myself

so I won't be lost again…"

I move my hands from inside his coat to cradle his head, the back of his neck, and with my eyes shut tight, kiss his lips one last time. My stomach is clenched, the sane part of my trying so hard to pull away. But I cannot…my fangs bite into his throat, rewarding me with the sweet taste of human blood. Without even realizing it, I've got a hold on his mind so he doesn't feel pain. But he tenses anyway because my body has relaxed way too much, far too quickly. I don't hear him when he kisses my ear and asks me if I'm tired, if I'm okay. The song in my head is drowning out even my own thoughts.

Sutton loses blood quickly, and I'm fighting the bloodlust, trying to shove myself away from him before it's too late. The smell of human blood floods my sensitive nose, makes me forget the much safer scent of leather, and I feel Sutton's body beginning to go limp under mine.

"…I could have run forver

but how far would I have come

without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for

All that I'm dying for

All that I can't ignore alone at night…"

His skin is cold under my lips by the time I can pull away without pain, without lust for more. He isn't dead yet, But his heart pumps frantically, all the while knowing it won't last. There isn't enough blood left in his veins. I kiss his blue lips, licking blood off of my own. I love you, Sutton, I tell him silently, and I know it's true. He moans in response when I release my grip on his mind, but that is all. I move away from him, reality beginning to hit.

I stare at him in horror as his body slides off the bench, slumps to the ground. "What have I done?" I whisper to myself, my eyes burning. I have never wanted to cry as badly as I do now. But vampires cannot cry, and I am frozen here, staring at the man I killed. At the man I loved.

This isn't what was supposed to happen. My golden hair blows across my face and this time I shiver in shock, in fear. My kind isn't supposed to feel fear, but I cannot believe what I have done. As I'm backing away from him, away from myself, I feel my compassion flee to the place my dead heart has gone. I bite down on my lip, licking away my own blood with a cherry-red tongue.

This isn't right. Not at all.

"…Should it hurt to love you?
should I feel like I do?

Should I lock the last open door?

My ghosts are gaining on me."

I turn around, and without another glance back at my darling Sutton, I disappear.