A/N: Nothing new to report really… Enjoy!
Sunlight filtered through the tree branches overhead, scattering light across Hawke's face. She wrinkled her nose in protest of the intrusion and shifted, her hands loosely gripping...feathers? She cracked an eye open as she remembered last night. Anders was still curled against her chest, one hand snaked under the folds of her robes and resting on her rib cage.
She paled and shifted, tugging on his hand. Anders groaned in his sleep, turning slightly and opening his eyes. After several disoriented blinks he started, ripping his hand out of her robes and sputtering apologies. "Oh, I'm so so sorry. So sorry. I would never intentionally do that. Well, I mean - I'm not saying I neverwould. I would never do that without your permis-"
"Anders!" she croaked, shushing him with a finger and trying to hide her embarrassment behind snippiness. "It's ok. Just get off of me."
"Right! Yes!" he scrambled off, nearly falling over in the process. He cleared his throat and rubbed his hands over his eyes still trying to shake the sleep from himself.
Hawke looked at him and rolled her eyes with a laugh that wasn't much more than a snort. She'd never seen him more flustered. The reaction that he gave was something more akin to what she'd expect from someone like Sebastian. "You sound like Merrill."
"What in the Maker's name makes you say that? Because I woke up with my hand in your clothes and am completely terrified of you singing off my eyebrows?" Anders questioned.
She couldn't help but laugh at his explanation. "I don't play with fire. You know that."
"Fine. I don't want to get pummeled me with a giant boulder. Better?"
"Fair enough," Hawke yawned and shifted. She was stiff from the position she had slept in, and the few possessions she had managed to salvage from her estate were currently pressed to her back in a small knapsack. Her clothing was stuck to her side, the blood from her healing wound flaking off and fluttering to the ground. "Yuck. I could stand a bath," she paused, "Oh, wait." She looked at Anders with a raised eyebrow that practically screamed 'Thanks for that.'
"There was a spring nearby, was there not? And the coast isn't too far off, though I don't know how much you would enjoy bathing in saltwater..." he said quickly, pointing in the direction of the spring that they had passed as they parted ways with the remaining members of their merry band. Hawke may not have remembered seeing it. She had been nearly unconscious as he had carried her from Kirkwall and said farewell to their companions.
Getting them to leave her had been a monumental task. He couldn't stand to have parted with her, and he wasn't particularly sure if he would have handed her over without a fight. He had hastily claimed that they were lovers and that he wouldn't leave her side. That certainly wiped the smile off that smug elf's face, he remembered with an inner grin. He had conveniently left that little lie out when he explained what had happened to Hawke later.
She had been furious with him for letting them leave the way they did. There was nothing he could have done differently, he had explained helplessly as her small, battle-weakened fists thumped on his shoulders as he carried her as far away from the city as he could. It was a lie. He could have given her to the elf and walked away. He could have saved her from himself and his downward spiral. It was just as she said: he was selfish. The worst part is that he felt no remorse for his decisions. He wondered that if Justice hadn't been in his mind if it would be different. He shook his head as he realized that he couldn't even tell what he would do. The spirit was so firmly woven within him that to ask himself such a question seemed ridiculous.
"Can you show me the way to the stream?" Hawke asked with a look that told him that she'd been talking to him for some time now.
"Of course!" he said, scrambling to his feet. "Of course, it's this way." He pointed off a bit to the southeast. "It's closer to the coast. Very pretty waterfall really. Runs right into the sea."
She picked up her staff and slid it into the strap on her back. "At least I was able to salvage a few things before we had to leave the city," she said solemnly, pulling a small vial of soap from her knapsack to show to Anders before tucking it away again and tossing the bag over her shoulder. "I don't have much, but there should be enough for both of us for a little bit."
Anders glanced at her as he held a few errant vines out of her way. "What else did you bring with you?" he asked curiously. She had held the pack to her chest as if she was afraid it would simply disappear from her hands if she set it down.
She looked embarrassed as she explained. "Just stupid stuff, really." At his quizzical look she elaborated, "A violin, for one... When I was very small, my father spent a fortune to get it for me. I had begged for days after I had seen it at the stall of a traveling merchant who had happened to wander through Loathering. Dad was afraid that I wouldn't learn the instrument and that it would be a waste of money. I swore that I would learn, so he bought it. And I did. And it was one of the only things that I had salvaged from Loathering. Now it is one of the only things that I managed to get from Kirkwall."
"I didn't know that you played an instrument," he gawked at her. "Why have you never mentioned it?"
"Because I haven't played for anyone other than my dad," she answered, pushing the hair out of her eyes. That wasn't entirely true. She had played for Fenris. On the nights she had taught the former slave to read, she would sometimes play softly for him as he read. Much had been left unspoken between them... She smiled sadly at her memories of him. She noticed her companion watching her and continued, "When I was first learning it sounded like a dying bird. It was awful."
Anders smiled at the ground warmly, his amber colored eyes full of mirth. She rarely saw that smile on his face and she couldn't help the happiness that it rose in her gut because of it. It was refreshing to see that some pieces of him were still untouched by the burdens of his life. She pondered what Anders had been like before his merging with Justice. She had heard that he was practically silly. She could barely imagine Anders acting that way now...
"I will play for you sometime," Hawke promised, "Only if you swear you won't laugh if I mess up."
"I wouldn't do that," Anders replied. "If the rest of you is any indication, I'm sure that you play beautifully."
Hawke blushed furiously at his praise. "Thank you."
"What else did you bring with you? From Kirkwall, I mean," Anders asked, recalling that her bag seemed to carry more than a single violin.
"Ordinary things. Food stuffs. Water skins. A few beauty supplies," she wiggled the vial in front of her, "And my father's pipe."
"A pipe?" Anders asked. "You smoke, too?"
"I do," she nodded, "Not often though... My father had carved the pipe himself. I always thought it was beautiful," she replied, picking at her fingers.
"You have a lot of good memories of him," Anders replied. "You are very lucky that your parents were able to keep you. I wish I had been able to stay with..." He trailed off and Hawke knew where his thoughts were headed. It wasn't a safe topic. Not with Justic in the picture.
"She must have been a great woman," Hawke placed her hand on his shoulder comfortingly.
He nodded. "She was beautiful. The reddest hair you've ever seen, and so long. It fell down her back in a tangled mess," he chuckled. "She refused to wear it up. Said it made her face look funny."
After a thoughtful pause he continued, "She was a good mother. When I first started to show signs... When the templars noticed... She had cried, begged them to leave me. They had to subdueher in order to take me." He scowled, and for a moment, Hawke swore she could see a bright blue flash in his amber eyes.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories," Hawke said quietly, tightening her grip on his shoulder.
"Oh, no. The memories of my mother are some of the happiest of my life," he continued, his voice growing tentative, "Save for some the memories I have of these past years... with you."
Hawke sputtered. This wasn't the first time today that Anders had her blushing.
Anders only chuckled under his breath in response. "I don't mean to anger you."
"I'm not angry." Hawke replied warily, "You just... confuse me." She didn't like where this conversation was going. She truthfully didn't know if she could handle a man with so much emotional baggage, and Anders was so flighty she couldn't even tell was he was after. Maker, how did her mind jump to the finish line?
"What's there to be confused about? You're a beautiful woman, Hawke. Surely I've made that clear enough," Anders replied simply. Sexuality wasn't confusing for Anders. It was straightforward. Or so it seemed.
"You've made that clear. But it doesn't make it less confusing," Hawke answered, directing her eyes at anything but the blonde to her left.
Forced silence hung heavily over the pair as Hawke all but slunk beside her companion. The unbelievably awkward nature of their brief conversation and its implications plagued her. Anders didn't even attempt to soothe her worries. Why would he need to? He had already made his desires clear.
The scenery couldn't pass them by quickly enough for Hawke's tastes. Thankfully it wasn't long before they were walking beside a painfully shallow stream that quickly grew waist deep. In the distance beyond a drop off she could see the sea. In the mid day sun, the water sparkled and danced happily around rocks, and layered just below the merry sounds of water tinkling she could hear the distinct sound of a waterfall just as Anders had told her.
Leaning down to skim the crystal clear water with her fingertips, she set her pack on some stones and pulled out her bathing supplies: the vial of soap, a small scrubbing cloth, and lavender oil. She was determined to make the vials last as long as possible. At least until they made it to the next town. The thought brought up an interesting question.
"Where do you want to go, Anders?" Hawke asked, turning to face her companion and paling. He had already shucked his boots, pulled off his overcoat and shirt, and was working on the laces of his trousers. She gawked at his surprisingly broad and muscled chest. She never would have guessed by looking at his robes that he was so...robust. There was a fine dusting of red-gold hair across his chest and stomach, growing more defined as it dipped to the waistband of his pants.
"Maker!" Hawke stammered, throwing her hand to shield her eyes, but not looking away. "Warn me next time, yes?" She scrambled to her feet and walked toward the tree line. "I'll let you go first."
"You could just join me," Anders said, throwing the thoroughly embarrassed woman a roguish smile and pulling the tie from his hair. His ruddy gold hair fell into his eyes and Hakwe nearly bit her lip to keep herself from swooning.
She held her hand out to cover his lower body from her sight and shook her head, her eyes wide. "I don't think that would be a wise choice."
"Oh, come on." His grin widened and she could not remember ever seeing him wear that smile. It was purely predatory. It... suited him. That smile nearly ended her, but as suddenly as the lust hit her gut, a shot of cold clarity ran up her spine. All she could think of was Fenris' warm arm wrapped protectively around her waist, the hazy blue of his lyrium tattoos barely visible in the red tinged twilight of her room.
She shook her head with a forced smile and made her way for the tree line and settled against the roots of a massive oak, pulling her staff out of it's straps to rest on it. She heard the unmistakable sound of laces untying and soon the splash of him entering the water. She sighed and picked at the bark of the tree, hoping to keep herself from peering around. She knew that to look at what lay on the other side would be a terrible mistake, but her curiosity was eating away at the pit of her stomach. He tried her self-control and he knew it, the bugger.
"You asked me where I wanted to go..." he said nonchalantly from the water.
"Yes, I did," she said shakily, pulling of a small chunk of the bark. Hadn't Merrill told her that the trees around Kirkwall were alive? Well, more so than trees normally are. The thought of the tree picking her up by the collar of her robes and tossing her over the waterfall made her fingers stop short before they tore off another piece.
"Where do you want to go?" he asked in return. She heard another set of splashes and she figured he was exiting the stream.
She breathed deeply, trying desperately to scour the images of his naked body from her mind. "The only thing that I'm concerned about at this point in time is getting help for you," she replied quietly, but loud enough for him to hear. There was a lack of noise for a bit and she called out in curiosity, "Anders?"
"I'm here. It's safe to come out now."
Using her staff for support she stood on shaky feet and rounded the tree. He was perched on a large rock in only his unlaced trousers. His hair was still dripping, the long strands hanging in his eyes. He looked completely distraught. She was shocked at how quickly his mood changed. "What's wrong?"
He shook his head. "Hawke," his voice cracked, "There is no 'helping' me. Whatever has happened has taken root so firmly..."
Her eyebrows furrowed. "Anders," she said quietly, "We will find a way."
She settled on her haunches next to the rock and placed her hand on his knee. "I had been researching ways to solve this... problem. Have you ever heard of the case of Connor Guerrin?"
"The Arl of Redcliffe's son? Of course. It's a famous tale," Anders responded. "My commander in the Wardens had actually been the one to help the child."
"Then you know it can be done!" Hawke grinned triumphantly. She had read the accounts, but was never sure of their validity. "He was possessed unwillinglyand she was still able to save him. Wait! You're commander was the-"
"Yes, she was the Hero of Ferelden. Is the Hero of Ferelden," he said, shying away from Hawke's widened eyes. "I never told you because this," he gestured, circling her face with his finger, "is what normally happens." He paused as she closed her still-gaping mouth then continued. "More importantly, what you said is kind of my point. Collin was an unwilling host. He made the transition difficult for the demon. I let Justice in. Iheld nothing back because I feared nothing."
"But don't you see? This means that there is hope for our cause." She raised her hands up to his cheeks and smiled. "I will help you and Justice. We can make this work."
Anders suddenly found himself unable to look at the hopeful gleam in her eyes. Trying to push the conversation forward, he continued, clearing his throat, "You are aware that she's now busy being the queen of Ferelden, yes?"
"Yes, but I'm sure she could spare some time for us. You know her after all"
He could already see the pieces coming together in her mind. She would ask him to come to Ferelden with her, to go to Denerim and see Elissa. Though Ferelden was better to its mages than Kirkwall and the Free Marches, he was still a wanted man there. He was still an apostate seven times over. There was little doubt in his mind that he'd be made Tranquil if he were to be captured again. And for Marian to be harboring a fugitive and to be an apostate to boot... His blood boiled at the thought of any harm coming to her.
"We cannot go to Ferelden," he said firmly. "We cannot."
She blinked, her eyes narrowing. "And why not?"
"I am an apostate, and, in case you've forgotten, so are you. They literallyknow me by name there," he said desperately, rubbing the space between his brows where a headache was starting to form
"Yes, and you are also a Grey Warden. They could not touch you even if they wanted to."
"It hasn't stopped them before," he grumbled helplessly.
"It will be different this time, I promise," she smiled sincerely.
"And what in the Maker's name is different about this time?" he asked, clearly becoming aggravated with the direction of the conversation.
"I am with you," she said seriously. Her fingers had curled around his jaw and she pressed her forehead against his. "I will let no one have you."
He clenched his jaw as his emotions flitted from irritation to disbelief to longing. He felt a stirring in his chest that he hadn't felt for the longest time. His stomach felt like it flipped and before he knew what he was doing he turned his head, pressing his lips to hers.
She made a sound of surprise, but didn't pull away. After a few short moments she responded to his advances in earnest. Her lips were clumsy, but Anders found it endearing. He pressed into her, probing her lips experimentally and driving his tongue into her mouth as she granted him entry. She dug her hands into his hair, weaving her trembling fingers through the strands. He immediately felt his body react to her touch, her lips. This kiss was probably the purest thing he'd ever shared with anyone in his life. Her touch told of her desire to give, not take. The sensation was unfamiliar.
Anders had an unhealthy relationship with relationships. He knew this. He was okay with this. He would rather have a string of one night stands with a slew of satisfied lovers in his wake than one long relationship that ends with two very unhappy people. Long term had never been part of the equation. But Hawke... He knew that she was not the kind to have a one night stand, or to sleep with someone and act like it never happened. To his knowledge, she had not even bedded anyone during her time in Kirkwall, though she and the elf had gotten close for a time.
Before he even knew what to think, she had pulled away as quickly as the kiss had begun. She held her trembling fingers to her bruised lips and watched him with glazed eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said hoarsely. "I didn't mean to cause offense."
She dropped her forehead to her hand and sighed. "You tie me up in knots!" she growled. It had been three long years since Fenris. The memory of his touch was fading, but the ache was still present.
"I'm really sorry," he repeated, holding his hands up in front of him.
"I will bathe and then we can make our way to Denerim, yes?"
Anders only nodded in response and headed for the tree line, grabbing his discarded clothing before he went. He didn't bother looking over his shoulder. He didn't want to tempt himself more than he already was. He brought his hand up to his lips to rub away the feeling of her. It didn't work.
A/N: Things are too complicated. Hopefully things will get simpler soon, yes? …Yes?